I think you are dealing with a very difficult DIL and a son who is trying to appease two women who see their role as number one. I can understand your hurt. It makes no sense to me to keep putting oneself in a situation where someone abuses you verbally and causes emotional pain. You have a choice to step back and focus on yourself or keep inserting yourself into a toxic environment and getting the same old same old.
I would like to say that I am not sure a monthly overnight visit from my MIL would have pleased me or would please me now. I don't know if what you are doing means going to dinner once a month or you visiting and staying with them once a month. I think a frank talk with your son is in order where you ask him if this is too much and then listen. Don't argue or defend why you need or want this often of a visit. Just ask him for his opinion and how often he thinks they can handle such a visit. (I can remember my own MIL coming to help after our 4th baby and then not helping at all and wanting my husband's constant attention which made even him mad and he asked her to go home.)
Its a complicated thing and I am trying to both support you in making rational choices for yourself (limiting contact with someone who is this verbally abusive) and allowing your son to focus on his role of husband and minimize his role as son.
I get about married couples being focused and united, but I don't get that this only applies to my son's family and why the anger is just so explosive. I am a full time working single mom and happy that my son is happy. I'm very busy in my career , travel with friends, etc. But I also like to see my son & dil at least once every month or so. This upsets my DIL, she views me as competing with her. At first I thought she was kidding when she asked me if I had any hobbies instead of visiting them. Although we live close as opposed to her family, she keeps in close touch with them but doesn't want my son to have any ties to anyone in our family. That's not the problem, as many DIL are insecure, I can handle that, but what is most disturbing is the cursing: I was discussing one night w my son at their house about whether or not buy a pup from a breeder or pound. She interrupted screaming "get out, I hate you, you annoy me, this is my house you fn stupid c*nt.its me or her" I f* your son not you!" Get out". What do you say to that?? She has had similar tantums on my birthday at my home, really, any time I'm in conversation with my son. I've tried including her but she responds just as negatively "don't ask me I don't give sh" intitially, my son spoke up to her, but now it's gotten that every time I go there there's a reason to toss me before dinner.. again, she doesn't like what my son & I are saying.. the last weird outburst, I ventured to ask my son how much she had to drink, which in hindsight I might've said nothing, but I'm a normal human being, and I've tried all ways to deal with this, sometimes I just feel pretty hurt. Just like everyone else, my job can be stressful and this treatment at the end of the day it's hard to respond in an ideal way. I grew up in a family without any alcoholics, so I'm not sure if her crazy behavior is typical of drinking but my sister told me my in laws were both alcoholics. We lived in a different state, so I never knew. My ex never over drank but in a fairly recent partial conversation w my son( before my DIL again interrupted) he told me he thought his dad had always been one but hid it. I wanted to tell my son that When I look back, I realized that my ex was self medicating away from alcohol using pot.Im wondering now about my son & Dil, but not sure if there's any hope of helping them. Im sensitive to the screaming and cursing at me, it's not at what ive ever experienced in a family scenario ( in traffic, yes, but not familiar communication. Any advice ? I hate to lose contact with my son and sorry he has no further with his uncles, cousins, grandparents. I'm not talking weekly, but at least once in 5-10yrs. How can I help at all if this the result of alcohol? They both have great jobs.. well she does but it's #3 job this year. Is this normal for an alcoholic to spew such vitrol for attention?
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