I have been estranged now for 7 years. I have had the full breakdown, the trips to therapy, listening to every CD possible on human growth, mindfulness, kindness, been on Estrangement Forums, "warning" there is one estrangement forum, that actually estranged me at the worst time it possibly could have as "one" individual believed I wrote similar to another member they once had. That was both insane, cruel, and mind bending.
The one "good/bad" venture estrangement will do for you is if you will allow yourself force you to look, at who you were as a child, what happened to you, how loved were you, were you mothered and then go beyond your own birth and navigate through the relationships of aunts and cousins, uncles, your parents and their parents what were the relationships, and most likely this hidden silent epidemic you are believing is a recent breakdown in millenniums is truly the ongoing genetics of many families. In your children you will find those members of your family, who years ago were the black sheep, the scapegoat, and you will find the bullies and the perpetrators, and you will find your own childhood and what was lacking. It's a journey that is not for the person with a light heart, you need strength, courage, and time to work out all of what you will find in your past.
In calling this a good/bad venture ~ it will hurt you to the core, it will open old wounds that have never been dealt with and the people are gone, and those wounds even if they belonged to someone else, affected you, yet you can recognize them, acknowledge, and store the information flow as it builds to where you are in your estrangement. For those parents who will never reconnect I truly believe after doing this journey, it is to be one of the most valuable journeys one can make. Eventually you will find, the reasons (real) for your estrangement, and be able to figure out if you can stop it or not, if you can heal the family, or if you have to accept the fate of what it is.
When other family members who were products of the same background are involved in your estrangement, in which you were the scapegoat, they will continue with your children to make you the scapegoat and it does not end. When oral history is perceived and told by people of another person, who they don't even know, the scales will never be even.
When realization of where you are, it helps in making your decisions and reclaim your life and know that living forward is more important than living backwards.
There is nothing that will ever give closure, and is often why estranged parents in many ways feel a child lost to illness or accident at least has closure, as with estrangement there is never closure. Hard words to write, thought by many, written by few. It is impossible to close that chapter of life, especially for the mother who carried the children and bore them into this world, and in many cases became the sole parent. However, you can accept it, put it into perspective and live forward. What is important is realizing how it happened, what contributed to it, take responsibility for what you could have done differently, but forgive yourself, as there is no book to guide you through the course you have traveled.
Move forward, shift your thoughts to what you can do for you, realize life is short, become the best at what you want to be, be proud of who you are, never feel like a failure as estrangement is not a failure of parenting it is a psychological trauma that many people suffer for different reasons, there is no one reason and no one cure.
It may well be better looked at as the Skeletons in the Closet Cancer that has existed for centuries, hidden secrets, and genetics that come into play.
I do realize this is a different view, but it may well open the hearts and minds of those who are suffering to look beyond self, and to dig deep, and to know you did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at the time. If you did not purposefully physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse your child, the reasons of estrangement are beyond your control. One day they may see through the curtain of life that has been drawn and see the power that lies in the perpetrators, as keeping distance from them all, means they eventually have to find a new black sheep, and scapegoat and it may be the child that estranged themselves from you. Then it is time for homecoming, as you have never stopped loving your child, you have just learned how to live forward without them.
Written with love from a very long journey of life, where happiness now resides and believing one day the curtain of life will be drawn open again.
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