Thank you so much for your post.
I've been struggling for years with estrangement and found this site. Your post was very helpful and appreciated!
I was in therapy for years but it's been awhile and now my 31 year old son has mentally abused me to the point where I had to cut him off (4 1/2 years ago) for my own sanity...I am the scapegoat and his father (my ex...) is the hero though he was mentally abusive to me before the divorce. He also thinks he is white though he's half Asian (my side)....
Even 10 years of therapy doesn't prepare you for this.
I gave my life for him...he was 3 pounds 10 Oz and I almost died in the hospital weeks prenatal. I think my biggest mistake was I spoiled him with too much love...though I definitely was not a 'Smother.'
My therapist thought I was the best mom. I would discuss (& validate) my son's feelings with him whenever he needed but not force...was extremely respectful...apologize way too much (as my parents never apologized to us kids.)
Anyhow, my parents who were also very disrespected by him helped and supported me to break the cycle finally after 20 years of abuse. They encouraged me to disconnect and protect myself.
I blame myself for the disconnection but I know I had to stop his abuse and disrespect despite the pain. It had to stop.
Now he is depriving me of seeing my one year old grandchild but I need to make peace with that as I cannot tolerate his behavior until he decides to treat me with respect and love instead of contempt. I'm fairly sure he blames me more for the divorce.
Thanks for reading.
Felt alone until sporadically reading online websites/blogs/forums the last few years.
Christ and His word is my lifeline as is my parents and my beloved husband of 13 years.
- This was beautiful. Thank you it definitely helped me to read this tonight. I've been dealing with my twin estranged sons for 10 years. It is so heartbreaking & gets very lonely. They were products of divorce poison by my X & he did a permanent job on them. It's hard to believe that he could wipe out 18 years of them loving me by using manipulation and money.
I have been estranged now for 7 years. I have had the full breakdown, the trips to therapy, listening to every CD possible on human growth, mindfulness, kindness, been on Estrangement Forums, "warning" there is one estrangement forum, that actually estranged me at the worst time it possibly could have as "one" individual believed I wrote similar to another member they once had. That was both insane, cruel, and mind bending.
The one "good/bad" venture estrangement will do for you is if you will allow yourself force you to look, at who you were as a child, what happened to you, how loved were you, were you mothered and then go beyond your own birth and navigate through the relationships of aunts and cousins, uncles, your parents and their parents what were the relationships, and most likely this hidden silent epidemic you are believing is a recent breakdown in millenniums is truly the ongoing genetics of many families. In your children you will find those members of your family, who years ago were the black sheep, the scapegoat, and you will find the bullies and the perpetrators, and you will find your own childhood and what was lacking. It's a journey that is not for the person with a light heart, you need strength, courage, and time to work out all of what you will find in your past.
In calling this a good/bad venture ~ it will hurt you to the core, it will open old wounds that have never been dealt with and the people are gone, and those wounds even if they belonged to someone else, affected you, yet you can recognize them, acknowledge, and store the information flow as it builds to where you are in your estrangement. For those parents who will never reconnect I truly believe after doing this journey, it is to be one of the most valuable journeys one can make. Eventually you will find, the reasons (real) for your estrangement, and be able to figure out if you can stop it or not, if you can heal the family, or if you have to accept the fate of what it is.
When other family members who were products of the same background are involved in your estrangement, in which you were the scapegoat, they will continue with your children to make you the scapegoat and it does not end. When oral history is perceived and told by people of another person, who they don't even know, the scales will never be even.
When realization of where you are, it helps in making your decisions and reclaim your life and know that living forward is more important than living backwards.
There is nothing that will ever give closure, and is often why estranged parents in many ways feel a child lost to illness or accident at least has closure, as with estrangement there is never closure. Hard words to write, thought by many, written by few. It is impossible to close that chapter of life, especially for the mother who carried the children and bore them into this world, and in many cases became the sole parent. However, you can accept it, put it into perspective and live forward. What is important is realizing how it happened, what contributed to it, take responsibility for what you could have done differently, but forgive yourself, as there is no book to guide you through the course you have traveled.
Move forward, shift your thoughts to what you can do for you, realize life is short, become the best at what you want to be, be proud of who you are, never feel like a failure as estrangement is not a failure of parenting it is a psychological trauma that many people suffer for different reasons, there is no one reason and no one cure.
It may well be better looked at as the Skeletons in the Closet Cancer that has existed for centuries, hidden secrets, and genetics that come into play.
I do realize this is a different view, but it may well open the hearts and minds of those who are suffering to look beyond self, and to dig deep, and to know you did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at the time. If you did not purposefully physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse your child, the reasons of estrangement are beyond your control. One day they may see through the curtain of life that has been drawn and see the power that lies in the perpetrators, as keeping distance from them all, means they eventually have to find a new black sheep, and scapegoat and it may be the child that estranged themselves from you. Then it is time for homecoming, as you have never stopped loving your child, you have just learned how to live forward without them.
Written with love from a very long journey of life, where happiness now resides and believing one day the curtain of life will be drawn open again.
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