After many years of sufferng from sheer sorrow at losing my child, I have finally made peace because i realized the following:
'My child’ is not mine. She is an adult. her life is her own.
I really believe that a parents love and need can be an unbearable burden to a young person who is attempting to live their life in this uncertain world.
Although I did the best I could as a mother it was under poor circumstance and I know my children suffered from lack of enough money, lack of my time (working, etc.) i loved them perhaps too much. Love can also be need and need; a burden. I think my children often tried to make up for what I didn't have.While raising them, i also helped my elderly parents. (i was a midlife child)
When they were married and on their own, that sort of cycle can be hard to break,and they may have too full of a plate to be as involved with us as we wish they were. Their lives are quite different than ours were.
Anyway,these realizations, got me off the treadmill and gave me a great deal of the right kind of love and empathy;the kind that lets go and wishes them well in our hearts. If they contact us,that’s great,and if they don't it doesn't even mean that they don't care. Live your own life.Let them go and live theirs,and allow them the choices that you , perhaps ,never had.
Dee, its no fun loving an addict, is it? The only thing you can do at this point that makes any sense is to get custody of that grand baby, if you can. I found Al Anon very helpful. Remember you are not alone and you are not the cause of the daughter's drug problems. You didn't cause it, you can't fix it, and you can't control it. I hope you find peace of mind and support of other parents dealing with substance abusing children at Al Anon. Your story is so typical, don't suffer in silence.
This is my first post. A am taking some comfort in knowing I am not alone. My 27 year old
daughter left home at 15 in a rage at us about too strict and too restricting life she could not bear. So she moved in with boyfriends that beat her and she couch surfed and did drugs and
drank and set her mind as though we are enemy nbr. 1. I chased her all around the city
for years, she would not come home and was furious and mean and would show hate and
anger that I would not financially support her in an apartment with her boyfriend that hated
me and also did crack cocaine. I was outraged back and angry but mostly confused and wanted her out of harms way. I ended up in very scary places trying to get her away from
scary drug people...I chased after her for five long years and finally she let me take her to a hospital because I knew she was going to die if I did not get her there...She was 5 months
pregnant. She came home, we got her counselling we got her health back out conditions
were that the addict could not be near us or the baby in our home. She seemed to let
us help her then baby was born thankfully not addicted to drugs...my daughter was so scared but happy we were there for her and she would be safe and would have a safe
home to raise the baby in.....we had a year of love and peace and sorting out many
of our family issues...it was I thought a new beginning. But after a year she moved
out wanted money to survive from us...demanded this was our job to do...we helped find
apartment, clothes, all baby things and clothes and money to set her up...all furniture.
The angry and distancing started again, throwing us out if we would see she dated
on line and living dangerously with very unsafe with parties with strangers for internet
and drugs an such.....we have been involved taking baby when police have been called and want to help to keep baby safe but our daughter resents our interference. SHE IS FURIOUS
BECAUSE WE WILL NOT SUPPORT HER AND THE BOYFRIEND AS THEY DO NOT WORK!
Help, our granddaughter 6 years old has been in 7 different places to live and 7 new schools
different babysitters! She is the last thing of importance to her mother. It kills us to watch!
I too have two estranged daughters for 3 years now since their estranged father died.
His family has been their to comfort them in a long grief now that they are reestablishing ties with my daughters too.
I’m the bad person for leaving him when they were very young. He was abusive to all three of us. It had to stop when he hit our 4 year old girl. Definitely bipolar and my 9 year old expressed it when we left him.
I am moving on to create peace with myself but I miss them so much.
You sound like a lovely woman with a brave heart. How sad for Joy not to have you in her life. It is reverse for me...my mother has 'removed' herself from my life (nearly 5 years ago) and sends money to my teenage children on their birthdays but has no contact with them...it makes my heart bleed.
Well said Scarlet, I think that when good parents finally realize that they need to step back and let our children think, is when they change. Our children change when we do. Miracles do happen.
Happy New Year to you and better times for us all.
I am so sorry. I could have written your story and in fact I did. I too found solace in yoga and working out until In was almost physically broken. Mentally broken I was for 6 long years. Out of the blue DEC 22, our daughter called to get clarification of the elephant in the room. We talk every day and we talk to our 8 and 6 yr. Old grand daughters. How did this happen, why the reconnect? Not to sure yet but we can only move forward and see where it goes. We are not willing to relive that nightmare so we tried on eggshells for now, not forever. I am sharing this only because I never seen the estrangement coming and never saw this reconciliation taking place either. Miracles are possible.
Yes! And Happy New Year to you!
As I read through everyone's situation, the bell rings true in my life. Estrangement is becoming the new buzz word and life style for the millennial generation. I feel for all those sharing their horrific grief and horror as they watch the child they poured their lives into, be ripped away from their lives. It's likened unto losing your life's career that is more precious than the very air you breathe. My heart breaks into pieces and my tears gather no comfort from the heart wrenching distraught and betrayal that I feel. If we can take comfort from this nightmare that may never end, we must dream and move on knowing that we have "done our best", with the best intentions, with love and loyalty that goes beyond any imaginable moment in our lives. Even as I write this, I shed tears streaming down my face. I miss her but dare not speak the words. So my advice is to go experience your life, take life by the reigns and move on. Have fun! Post lots of pictures on social media with your smiling face. Go to the Grand Canyon, ride through the desert, swim in Lake Tahoe! Plan an adventure and just fly free. Ironically, my daughter's name is Joy. Yes, I lost my Joy but then I have found new joy. As I wipe my last tear from my eye, it is now time to go to my yoga class. "Namaste" to you and a Happy New Year.
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