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After 26 years, I'm severing ties with my daughter
December 31, 2013
10:14 am
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lisa
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Wow!

I am amazed how parents are a gluttony for punishment but their own kids.  I have made the mistake of in the past of tolerating my kids bad behavior and honestly at the end of the day, it was my choice to be a doormat and ignore my instincts to put them back in line with an example of how people should treat other people that resulted in the current estrangement of m two of my kids.

I read these posts and see so much of my past self in them.

However, I can see more clearly now I believe.

Despite the current "wisdom" to keep reaching out to your kids and listening to why we are deficient, we need to reclaim our lives.  How can you do this?

Say "no" to the abuse, whining and blame.  I feel from the majority of the posts that the parents here are loving parents.  You do not deserve this and are just going to encourage bad behavior if you do not push back.

You need to listen to your anger.  Gd gave you this for a reason and stop trying to be good.  Good is not taking abuse, it is encouraging abuse when your child is selfish and hateful.

Past generations of parents would NEVER put up with the crap we do as parents today.  

Say "NO!"  

I had to realize at the same time that I had used my kids for the comfort of a family I had never had as a kids.

Big mistake.

We are their parents not their friends.

And we have to start acting like this, despite our grief and longing for them.

Get your own life.  Pull back.  If they come, they come.  If they do not, then you cannot control it.  The only thing you can really give them when they are abusive and out of hand is the message that you won't tolerate their behavior thereby providing a good role model of how a person should act.

This may be all of what is left or, it may result in their turn around and coming back to you.  Begging, pleading, trying to reason with them is futile.  Either they respect you or they do not.

Every relationship has to have its basis in respect, this includes kids.

I allowed my 14 year old daughter who told me to get out of her life, who I had never abused in any way, to have her way.  

I sent her a birthday card a year and a half later and she responded with a "thank you."  I know this is not much but it is a start in new direction.

I believe that any chance I will have to have a relationship with her in the future is by commanding respect from her and letting her know through my inaction that I respect myself and reject her mistreatment of me.  You teach your kids how to treat you.  This is the first step and only step toward a possible reunion in my mind.

 

A basic rule might be if you would not allow another person to treat you in the way your kid treats you, you should not tolerate that type of behavior from your kids.  

 

December 28, 2013
7:36 am
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tired
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Sandi said
My heart goes out to you. I have not spoken to my daughter for 3 months. She became angry when I asked multiple times for the almost $600. back that she had borrowed, even though I had stressed multiple times that I hesitated to loan the money to her because it was my grocery money and I would need it back (most of the time, I never asked for payback of the hundreds of dollars she has asked to "borrow" or the bills I have paid for her). Her daughter (my granddaughter) said I shouldn't have "harrassed" her for the money back. I have read multiple postings that she puts on facebook and the untruths hurt so much. She even changed her phone number so I couldn't call her. Yesterday, I became so hysterical when I saw another of her cruel postings and could hardly breathe. I try to accept being cuttoff, but it hurts so much.  So, thank you, for your openness. It helps to know that I am not alone and that other parents are going through similar things. My prayers are with you.

It's a shame that she's decided to treat the loan as a gift.
Do yourself a favor and forget the money. It will only separate you and your daughter even more.You might be trying to teach your her to be responsible, but it's not worth the stress and heartache iis causing you. It's making you sick. Let it go.

When we loan money to family we very seldom get it back and most of the time it's not worth the rift and pain that it causes.
Take control of your life and don't allow others to upset you so.
Blessings and prayers are with you. May your heart be calm and your spirit at peace.

December 22, 2013
9:07 am
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Sandi
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My heart goes out to you. I have not spoken to my daughter for 3 months. She became angry when I asked multiple times for the almost $600. back that she had borrowed, even though I had stressed multiple times that I hesitated to loan the money to her because it was my grocery money and I would need it back (most of the time, I never asked for payback of the hundreds of dollars she has asked to "borrow" or the bills I have paid for her). Her daughter (my granddaughter) said I shouldn't have "harrassed" her for the money back. I have read multiple postings that she puts on facebook and the untruths hurt so much. She even changed her phone number so I couldn't call her. Yesterday, I became so hysterical when I saw another of her cruel postings and could hardly breathe. I try to accept being cuttoff, but it hurts so much.  So, thank you, for your openness. It helps to know that I am not alone and that other parents are going through similar things. My prayers are with you.

December 21, 2013
1:47 am
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tired
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Thank you Giba and Joy.
I was expecting parent bashing and disapproval. I'm glad you have shared the same and can understand.

December 20, 2013
9:16 am
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Joy
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It sounds like you did your best. People are not perfect and parenting is hard - sometimes we just don't know what to do. Your situation sounds like mine, and while it is heartbreaking, it is also a reminder that we have to take care of ourselves, too. Your monastery plan sounds wonderful! I hope it brings you some peace.

December 3, 2013
7:35 am
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Giba
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Dear Tired:

Having experienced a similar situation with my daughter, I can see that you were loving and tried to protect her and provide for her the best you could.  I would do exactly the same thing you're doing.  You're right.  It is painful and breaks your heart to hear them spew mistruths to you. You did the best you could.  I wish you peace in your life.

December 2, 2013
7:07 am
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Tired
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I have decided to cut ties with my 26 year old daughter. We used to be very close, until I asked her to move out at age 18 to a condo I had bought for her safety.

The reason? I had just remarried and the man I married was mentally unstable. He was a vicious, cruel man who terrorized me and my daughter to the point that I was in constant fear. The eight months I lived with him, 
I never knew if I would wake up the next morning, or if that night would be my last one. I ended in counseling sessions at a women's shelter. I felt that I needed to get my daughter out of the house and into a safe place.I have explained this situation to my daughter, but she only sees that I did not want her with me. By the way, I met him at my church where I had been going for 30 years. We knew each other for over a year, before we got married. He was the kindest and sweetest person you could possibly meet. So you never know...

At first my daughter was very happy to have her own place. I had enrolled her in college, paid her tuition and was paying all the bills. She decided to get a boy to move in and they had wild parties. I always had the HOA calling me to complain about the wild parties late at night. I told my daughter that I was going to cut her funds after the semester, because she was not serious about going to college. I had bought her a nice Lexus and at the beginning of the semester the car, electronics, the boy and she had disappeared from the condo. I traced her to a home where the boy was staying and talked to her. She told me it was her life and that she didn't want to come home. She told me that she was making a decision to be with her boyfriend. 

Although, she didn't want to talk to me or want me around, I stayed around, hoping for any crumbs of attention that she might give me. I spent all the holidays alone, because for her it was more important to spend them with other people. I spent many nights and days crying and wondering how I could make things right. I tried to talk to her about our relationship, but we would always end up with her screaming and me in tears. 

After enduring 2 years of her avoiding and ignoring me, I got a job overseas. I have been working abroad now for 5 years. When I go home,I always have jewelry or gifts for her. She would always accept the dinners and gifts. Then a year ago, she sent me a letter telling me that she wanted more of the furniture that was in the condo. The furniture I had bought for her and she had abandoned for 7 years. She told me that she would sue me if she did not get her stuff. I don't know what had gotten into her. I was abroad and made a special trip to let her get her furniture. 

I have already asked for forgiveness, many times, for asking her to move from the mansion to the condo, but it has fallen on deaf ears. I don't think she realizes how volatile and dangerous the situation was. I just wanted to protect her. She doesn't want to hear anything. 

Now she says that I did dreadful things when she was a baby; things that I have only heard or read about. She tells these things as if they had really happened. She retold the story that I had forced her to eat fish at a restaurant when she was little and that she had gotten food poisoning and had to be rushed to the hospital. It hurts me to hear such distorted reality.  

Lately, she has gotten very nasty with me and says that she doesn't want to hear from me. As horrible as this sounds... I feel the same way. In her last letter she told me that she's going to have the perfect family and that she's going to provide everything that her children want. In my defense, we weren't poor. She always got everything she wanted, a private education, full-time parent attention, the toy of the moment, from computers to private birthday parties. We were comfortable enough that one of us and a nanny was always home to look after her. 

I think it's better to just leave things alone. She doesn't want to talk and
I don't want to be abused. Someday, when she matures, perhaps she 
will call. If she does, I'll be there. However, at this time, the air is too toxic for both of us. It's gotten to the point that I react and have started to say things that will hurt her, because she has hurt me so much. I need time out. I don't want a fight. Don't laugh, but I have booked a monastery for 2 weeks, where I can meditate and refresh my mind and spirit. 

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