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After 26 years, I'm severing ties with my daughter
June 13, 2018
8:03 am
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Hello Dolly
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March 6, 2018
8:42 am
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DTok
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December 12, 2017
4:16 am
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Fred
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Hi Mimi:

I read your post, and you were up at 4am in the morning. Just like me, I worry about my kids too.

Now, the only experience I have with bi-polar folks on a personal level is with my Mama. It was hard and painful. Now, with your adult child, that's different. You love her deeply, and you prove that with your financial help. Maybe baby steps may help. Don't pay the cable. Perhaps that will give her a wake up call, stop conversations that are emotionally abusive.

My son is a selfish cad also. I tried warning shots to him, and it helped. You have to take different steps when you're dealing with a true psychiatric, documented disorder. And lastly consult with a medical practitioner. You're on your way to a practical change.

December 7, 2017
4:41 am
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mimi1973
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I have a 25 yrs old daughter who was diagnosed at 14 with bipolar so you already know it has been an extremely long journey for me and my family.  Her living in my home was toxic so I allowed her to move in to one of my rental homes and soon after she lost her job.  I receive no rent from her and I pay her electric, water, and cable.  She let a man live with her and he helps her with nothing.  I told her if he doesn't leave she will be evicted and she went off.  She cursed me out from a to z and told me she should be able to do what she wants with her life (remember Im paying all her bills).  I feel bad evicting her but I am just soooooo tiered of all the disrespect and ungratefulness.  No matter what I do, I am the enemy and she loves going on Facebook making me out to be the bad guy.  I am so emotionally drained, I just cant take it anymore.  My family is trying to make me feel bad about what I did but yet they are not willing to help her either. I keep hoping she and our relationship would get better but I just don't know.

February 16, 2016
2:07 pm
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fraisers mom
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My husband just cut ties with his 27 year old daughter who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she was a teen.  When she was 15 she was hanging around with a 21 year old guy who was a piece of shit.  She went from being a straight a student to cutting school and no matter what we did or said she would lie.  My husband wanted to get him arrested, but my daughter would not cooperate with police and every time she backed herself into a corner she would say she was going to hurt herself and then they would take her to the hospital.  All a form of manipulation.

Fast forward to now...she is married and was caught communicating with this guy from before Halloween up until recently.  Her husband bought the whole story about it was innocent..blah blah blah....but he dragged my husband into it and now my husband has disowned her.

September 18, 2015
2:36 pm
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Anne
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My son suffers from severe mental health issues and some developmental problems for which we have been seeking treatment since he was 3.  He is now 17 and will be 18 very soon.  That's the age of adulthood in Canada.  He is abusive verbally and physically, with his sister, myself and my husband.  We are all discouraged because police don't help and hospitals don't help and cutting ties is unthinkable for us.  Still, we are aware that he is getting worse. 

April 8, 2015
7:27 am
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Melissa
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Joy,

You are not alone. I feel your frustration. It may be that your daughter has mental health issues. It sounds like you are both at your wits' ends. From your description it sounds like she needs professional help. And you are trying to deal with it by yourself. But, can I ask, if she was involved in a car accident and needed an operation would you try operating on her yourself? No, I don't think so. Metal difficulties can be just as serious as physical ones, yet most of us try to deal with it on our own.  I know I tried to with my daughter, and for all my efforts the rewards were frustration and alienation. then I remembered, my background is in economics, not in psychology. No wonder I was getting nowhere. I didn't know what to do. 

M

April 6, 2015
7:20 am
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LH
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Oh Joy, that sounds awful. Especially if she's hitting you--I don't care what else is going on, you don't hit another person. Period. That's abuse. Normally I wouldn't advocate throwing a teenager out of the house, but in your case, that might be your best option.

Please look into domestic violence services for people in your area. Explain that your daughter hits you and that she used to call the police on your husband when he stopped her from hitting you. They should be able to give you some advice and help you find people who can keep you safe while you get your daughter out of your house.

April 5, 2015
8:03 pm
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joy
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I really feel your pain, I am feeling frustration and hatred towards my only daughter (she is 19) she is the worst, she curses at me and hit me anytime she wants to... I feel ashamed... she has ADD and her father abandoned her, he does not want anything to do with her because one time when she was 10 she pulled one on her crap and that was it for him... she tells me she is gay, atheist that she is depressed that it is all my fault, I want to help her more than I want to kill her...but I really feel resentful towards her... she is an awful, I mean awful person, I have been paying for a therapist and psychiatrist for the last 3 years to no avail, my husband of 13 years told me good bye in November 2013 and does not want anything to do with me because he did not allow her to curse me or hit me, so she would call the police on him for no reason, the poor man got tired and left me, now she is free to abuse me at will... I want her out of my house for good, she does not work and like her misery. I tried everything, I mean everything, but the miserable young lady likes to make me miserable. 

April 2, 2015
12:54 pm
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LH
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midani said
Hi, today I was going about my business, doing all the things I normally do. Both my children called me and said very mean things to me. It was obvious to me that they had been talking to one another, running me down. I have been a single Mother all the time pretty much from the time they were born and met my companion in life a year ago. He and I have been through alot. The home I bought for my family, I left it after living with my family for one month. The horrible fighting between my children was more than i could take. I told both my kids tonight that I am completely done. I am giving up custody of my sophomore who has been very sick with bipolar for three years. My other daughter also has emotional problems too but will not see a counselor. I actually had to cancel my daughter's high school graduation party, things have been so bad that I cannot even go to her high school graduation. 

I almost killed myself tonight. it was all i could do to keep from pulling the trigger. How will my life go on? I know my children are mean to me but i also know that i have to walk away from both of them. I don't hope to teach them a lesson, I just have had enough. I am really and truly done. 

Hi Midani,

I'm sorry you're in such pain. Dealing with mentally ill people is never easy, and it sounds like you have more trouble than can fit on one plate.

You said one daughter is about to graduate from high school, and the other is a sophomore. High school sophomore, I take it, since you have custody of her? That would make your daughters about 15 and 18. Where do they live now? You said that you moved out of your home a month after you moved in because you couldn't take the kids' fighting. Are they in the house alone now?

Please, don't pull that trigger. Find a counselor as soon as you can, someone to help you through this dark time.

Your kids are young. Teenagers are horrors even when they're well-adjusted, and they change so much as they grow up... This estrangement may not be permanent. But look out for yourself, and get your own mental health back.

March 30, 2015
9:48 pm
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tempest_
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midani said:
...How will my life go on? ... I do not feel that I deserved what I got. I feel betrayed. ... I am hurting so bad right now.

Dear midani,

Encouragement from Charlotte:

…After 3 years of torturing myself, being suicidal, and barely being able to function due to extreme depression, I am beginning to realize that sometimes you love your children … but they just don’t care about you. After a while, you have to decide to allow these ungrateful beings to ruin what is left of your life, or find a way to create a new life. …This is not the life I envisioned when I was raising my children with all the love and devotion I knew how to give, but it is the life I have been handed.

No one is a perfect parent… If you were a good and loving parent, please give yourself some sympathy. Continue to love your child and express that to them … But, stop being the doormat that they are allowed to stomp on every time they want to. No one respects a doormat. You devoted a major portion of your life to them and they repay you by trying to destroy you. Don’t let them control the rest of your life while they merrily go on with theirs. Get on with your life. You lived before you had them and you can learn to live now. Choose to find a way to survive and finally thrive.

Take back your happiness.

March 30, 2015
7:46 pm
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midani
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Hi, today I was going about my business, doing all the things I normally do. Both my children called me and said very mean things to me. It was obvious to me that they had been talking to one another, running me down. I have been a single Mother all the time pretty much from the time they were born and met my companion in life a year ago. He and I have been through alot. The home I bought for my family, I left it after living with my family for one month. The horrible fighting between my children was more than i could take. I told both my kids tonight that I am completely done. I am giving up custody of my sophomore who has been very sick with bipolar for three years. My other daughter also has emotional problems too but will not see a counselor. I actually had to cancel my daughter's high school graduation party, things have been so bad that I cannot even go to her high school graduation. 

 

I almost killed myself tonight. it was all i could do to keep from pulling the trigger. How will my life go on? I know my children are mean to me but i also know that i have to walk away from both of them. I don't hope to teach them a lesson, I just have had enough. I am really and truly done. 

 

I deleted all their photos on facebook and blocked them. this sounds radical but it had to be done. I read everybody's postings and I also spoke to my elders in my family tonight after i had told the children to stop all contact. They felt that i had done the right thing. It is hard for me but it has been so very many years since I had any fun with either one of my children.  They were quite small when we last had any fun or any smiles. The teenage years have been horrific. I mean horrific. I do not feel that I deserved what I got. I feel betrayed. 

 

But, there are young women in my community who need me right now to be their mother and to help and look after them. They appreciate my kindness and concern. I told my companion that I would adopt some girls where i live and help them as one of them has no mother. i know this sounds strange but this is what I have to do if i am to survive. to not live is death. I can't tell you how many times my children have absolutely humiliated me and i mean humiliated me. i really mean humiliated me. I am hurting so bad right now from the pain and humiliation that I feel. 

 

i googled on parents having to cut ties with children. i know it is radical but in my case I had no choice. 

March 20, 2015
1:06 pm
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Athelas
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denice said:
...I am so surprised as I typed in what to do when a child severs ties with you all of the aching hearts came up.

Encouragement from Lillycache at http://www.wisewomenunite.com:

To the women that are still in grief and wondering if they can ever be happy again: I remember the days and months where nothing else occupied my thoughts … and the time I spent fluctuating between anger -- to the point of almost white hot hatred, to unbearable despair. I see now that all of that was necessary in order to get to a better place. Yes, there is a better place … and there are happy days, and plans to be made, and excitement to feel over them. I want to tell those hurting that there is no time frame. There is no right or wrong way to work through it. It will happen when it happens … and it WILL happen. Peace will come.

Gentle hugs.

March 20, 2015
11:43 am
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denice
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I am so surprised as I typed in what to do when a child severs ties with you all of the aching hearts came up.  My oldest daughter has just done this to me, do not try and mend do not try and build a bridge was her last text.  It makes me wonder if texting is part of the problem.  When you look at your loved one and see tears in their eyes would you keep saying such cruel things?  I have never treated my mother badly, now she is at the end of her life and most of my commitment is to her right now.  I remember the wonderful times we had and have always wanted the same thing with my daughters.  My son and my second daughter say it is not me but I cannot help but think that somewhere I have unknowingly offended her.  It is sad

I think that moving on and looking for the good in life is all you can do. 

March 7, 2015
3:34 pm
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whale_fall
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Ann said:
...I'm going to make it through this and I have faith that there is a silver lining in all of this and someday I just might understand it.

Ann,

Lillycache from http://www.wisewomenunite.com astutely observed: I think the hardest thing … is letting go of expectations. The way we have always “expected” our lives and families to be is usually much different than the reality of what they are. It hurts I know. We just “expected” our children to love us … the way we love them. We “expected” them to treat us with respect. We “expected” to be a valued part of an extended family. Well, guess what? That’s not how it is for most of us here. Dealing with how we want things to be and the reality of how they are is very difficult. BUT … once you do accept things as they are -- you begin to build a life for yourself. You begin to value and love yourself. You begin to take care of yourself and to enjoy being around people that love you and care for you -- AND enjoy being with you. My question is… if your kids make you sad, hurt your feelings, disrespect you… WHY do you want to be around them anyway? Just because they are your kids? They certainly aren’t enriching your life. It takes time to get to this place.

Gentle hugs.

March 6, 2015
3:20 pm
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Ann
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I happened along this website just by typing, my 26 yr old daughter severed ties with me. Much to my surprise, there is a forum about difficult situations with families. Since this happened just recently, I am still fighting back the tears through the inner strength that I am slowly trying to build. I just went to visit my daughter, 2 grandkids and her husband of 5 yrs. Aside from the tension in the air, I thought I was doing well by playing with the children, cleaning, and just being the loving and fun nana that I have always been. Her husband is a control freak and he is spoiled by his parents who encouraged them to move to CT. from Fl. His parents bought them a condo close to where they live and they couldn't be happier. I'm happy for them but they have always looked down upon me for being a single mother who raised my daughter alone by choice. I visited last nov, for Thanksgiving and my grandsons Birthday. The day of Thanksgiving dinner, my daughter picked a fight with me and told me she would rather me not go to the Thanksgiving dinner at their families cousins house. It hurt so badly being all alone in CT. on Thanksgiving. After they left the house, I fell to my knees and cried so hard and was telling God that he must have a plan because I couldn't understand how this was happening. My mother had recently died in June so I felt really alone. I cried almost 4 hrs straight. I knew I was leaving the next day so it did become easier as the day went on. During this time, my daughter was texting me and telling me how bad she felt and that everyone was asking about me and she wanted to come back to pick me up. My eyes were so red and I felt so lost and stuck in her home. She told everyone that I felt ill and couldn't attend. We didn't say much and started chatting via phone daily on her way to and from work as if nothing happened. If I brought it up, she hung up and shut me out for days. She said I was difficult and she felt as if she didn't do anything to hurt me. In time, I forgave her and moved on and this recent visit went as planned, I babysat, cleaned and stayed positive even through her condescending ways, I dealt with it as best I could. She came home from work with a migraine and I offered to make her soup and as I was handing her the baby(9mo) she said, Get out of my face, I didn't come home to care for my child. I wanted so much to leave and run as fast as I could but I had no place to go so I continued doing laundry, and the next day, she was driving me to the airport and I asked if we could take a couple of pictures in the snow and she reluctantly did and her smile is fake in all the pics. We hugged and kissed, and said our goodbyes, On the plane, told her I missed them already and she replied the same and when I got home, I slept so good in my own bed and there was no stress either. A couple of days later, we spoke on the ph for a minute and my grandson said he didn't want to talk to me so I playfully said, fine, me neither. That was all it took for my daughter to hang up on me, and texted me a lengthy message saying she wanted to sever the ties. She thanked me for all of the gifts and help and told me that she will never understand me and I will never understand her so she wants to sever the ties between us. I texted back that people love one another unconditionally and that I didn't understand why she was pushing me away and of course I had to mention that it must be coming from her controlling husband who doesn't care for me and of course she said it was all her doing. She was done with me. I broke down again and cried for a couple of days and I am still trying to rise above this and I know in my heart that my daughter can be very cruel and not bat an eye, in fact, never feels remorse for anything she has ever done. I'm going to make it through this and I have faith that there is a silver lining in all of this and someday I just might understand it. This too shall pass.

November 30, 2014
6:06 pm
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Kathy
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I hope everyone was able to have a decent holiday apart from your children and the dreams we have/had of closeness with them.  I did see one of my children and it was bitter sweet. I realized we are not close because she doesn't want to be close and how she and her husband are arrogant, self satisfied people just involved with themselves.

The ironic thing is when we said goodbye, I  felt relief and that perhaps it is easier to not ever see the estranged children than to see them once every few years and long for them in pain and anguish in between. And once you do get to see them, their disdain or lack of love is GLARINGLY OBVIOUS.

We can't force our adult children to care, to love us, to be kind and respectful.  I feel ready to let this go and detach from my old role of "mother" and just be me, in the new definition I create.

November 26, 2014
6:35 pm
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Patti
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lisa said
Wow!

I am amazed how parents are a gluttony for punishment but their own kids.  I have made the mistake of in the past of tolerating my kids bad behavior and honestly at the end of the day, it was my choice to be a doormat and ignore my instincts to put them back in line with an example of how people should treat other people that resulted in the current estrangement of m two of my kids.

I read these posts and see so much of my past self in them.

However, I can see more clearly now I believe.

Despite the current "wisdom" to keep reaching out to your kids and listening to why we are deficient, we need to reclaim our lives.  How can you do this?

Say "no" to the abuse, whining and blame.  I feel from the majority of the posts that the parents here are loving parents.  You do not deserve this and are just going to encourage bad behavior if you do not push back.

You need to listen to your anger.  Gd gave you this for a reason and stop trying to be good.  Good is not taking abuse, it is encouraging abuse when your child is selfish and hateful.

Past generations of parents would NEVER put up with the crap we do as parents today.  

Say "NO!"  

I had to realize at the same time that I had used my kids for the comfort of a family I had never had as a kids.

Big mistake.

We are their parents not their friends.

And we have to start acting like this, despite our grief and longing for them.

Get your own life.  Pull back.  If they come, they come.  If they do not, then you cannot control it.  The only thing you can really give them when they are abusive and out of hand is the message that you won't tolerate their behavior thereby providing a good role model of how a person should act.

This may be all of what is left or, it may result in their turn around and coming back to you.  Begging, pleading, trying to reason with them is futile.  Either they respect you or they do not.

Every relationship has to have its basis in respect, this includes kids.

I allowed my 14 year old daughter who told me to get out of her life, who I had never abused in any way, to have her way.  

I sent her a birthday card a year and a half later and she responded with a "thank you."  I know this is not much but it is a start in new direction.

I believe that any chance I will have to have a relationship with her in the future is by commanding respect from her and letting her know through my inaction that I respect myself and reject her mistreatment of me.  You teach your kids how to treat you.  This is the first step and only step toward a possible reunion in my mind.

 

A basic rule might be if you would not allow another person to treat you in the way your kid treats you, you should not tolerate that type of behavior from your kids.  

 

Lisa, you tell my story.  Tonight, the night before Thanksgiving I have not heard from my son.  It suddenly occurred to me tonight and I counted them, the  number of counselors and doctors I have talked to about how my son treats me for the past nearly 30 years.  He is abusive, over-reactive and over-reactionary to everything I say and do.  I have the evidence yet he last told me "I don't have this problem with anyone else."  To that I replied that is because he doesn't talk down to others the way he has me since I left his father when he was only 14, now he is 42.  I have talked about the abuse, how it made me feel, the lies and exaggerated reactions to normal disagreements that every mother and son may have.  I truly believe his partner of 10 years has something to do with it - and his family who is the most disfunctional family I have ever known besides my own....yes, that is correct.  But nothing makes sense to me when I go through boxes of mementos and cards my son has shared with me over decades, telling me how proud he is of me, how much he adores me and what a great and loving mother I have been through the years.  And bam, all of a sudden, nothing.  Either he is nuts or his partner and family are getting what I think they have wanted all along, my son to themselves....so Lisa, you are right.  In recent years, I have actually resisted strongly to his verbal and emotional abuse - but now he obviously thinks I am the cause.  He has NEVER taken personal responsibility for his own actions and abuse directed at me.  He never apologizes or admits he has anything to do with our disagreements.  EVERY single dr. and therapist I have ever talked to about these issues and the way my son jumps from 0 -100 on the anger scale in a flash says that my son has a very abnormal reaction to things that most people might say they disagree with or they don't like, but they do not slam phones down or send 10 page scathing emails to make me feel badly about myself and everything he thinks I have ever said or done wrong....which by the way are NORMAL things mothers might do...normal mothers anyway.  So like Lisa, I am actually trying to come to terms with the fact that my son makes me mentally and emotionally ill (and I have allowed it) and as hard as it is, I must come to terms with it and realize my life will be better without him in it....and then I remember little things.  Like the time I was feeding him a bottle (I held and rocked him EVERY SINGLE TIME I FED HIM AS A BABY!) and realized that overnight, his eyelashes had grown SO long!  Or the time I realized just how proud of him I was and am, of his military service - when I cried my heart out at Denver Stapleton Airport as I saw him above me on the walkway to his plane going off into the wild blue yonder - literally when he enlisted in the US Air Force...all those special times now are wiped out by how he has treated me in the past and recent.  It is like he has gone off his rocker or something...mentally and emotionally and I think his partner has something to do with that too.  Everyone who has met them believes it is a matter of time his partner cheats on him or gives my son up due to my son's health issues...my son will come back and based on the pain I feel and have felt for decades and now at the holidays, I don't think I will be available.  You don't treat a half-way decent mother like this!!!  And then expect her to be available when you need her at your beck and call.  It is hard though, to try to get a life exclusive of the life you had with a child...even though, looking back, you realize how much you sacrificed and yet, was subjected to so much abuse.  I wish every mother and father the best as they come to terms with the fact that their lives are better without their kids in it and that they are good people, in spite of what their abusive children say about them.  

November 26, 2014
11:19 am
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panay
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i am brokenhearted. my son of 38 yrs. of age has called me a bitch for the last time. i can't deal with him anymore. when i go to visit him and his family his wife is always feeling the need to bring up my past mistakes. i feel i don't need to talk to her about my past mistakes. so i told my son about how she always ask me what happened in my past? my son tells me i don't care. His daughter was in front of me when we were going through the garage door to get inside their house  she drops her book bag right in front of me. She knew i was right behind her. i told my son of this and his reply was shes only 12 yrs. old . i told him i dam near tripped and he said i was a bitch and to get out of here. So i told him his wish is my command and after packing my bags up to leave as i was leaving i didn't give a hug to him or his family and his wife tells me panay you are no longer welcomed here. 

November 21, 2014
11:46 am
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Sally
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Thank you for sharing this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My daughter does the same thing. She blames me for things I never did. This is the only f###ed up relationship in my life. She has a lot of them.

I can't do it anymore. I don't want to talk to her. I do not trust her. I think she lashes out and literally is trying to hurt me. No one else in my life does this. No one.

I am done. I feel kind of like someone died. I want out.

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