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Adult children using shame to control you
December 3, 2018
3:20 pm
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onestepatatime
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Michelle, it sounds like a very codependent relationship and perhaps it time for son to learn that the whole world doesn't revolve around him and for you to learn to love yourself and find value within yourself. I find it very sad that you would go without food and heat in order to purchase presents for someone else. If I could suggest that you work on fixing or improving you for the next six months to a year and leave son alone for a while. See if you come up with a new way of thinking and see if you can find self love and self value because you deserve more than just being a doormat. My husband gave and gave to our ES and took all the put-downs and criticisms as truth. Then he had good counseling and we read a bunch of books and realized that he had value and worth as a human. He started seeing the ES behavior for what it was -- manipulative and controlling and cruel. I wish the best for you and it starts within yourself. Will ES change? Probably not, he has had a lifetime of taking and not giving to you. But you can change within you to find inner strength and happiness. There is life after estrangement. A book I found helpful was Done with the Crying. 

November 9, 2018
2:30 pm
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Michelle
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I am experiencing this very issue. I raised my son (now 25) as a single parent and have done everything for him, even sitting up for two nights writing his university dissertation.

I suffer from depression and have often struggled to keep going through dark times, but have kept going.

I have always supported by son, when he came out as gay I was totally and genuinely there for him. I cannot work due to my illness but have always sacrificed to make sure he has the Christmas presents he really wants. By sacrifice I mean cutting down on food and heat. Now we have had a something out of nothing fall out. He was cheating on his partner - and I again supported him. In August, I apparently embarrassed him in front of his ‘new’ love interest and he has cut me off. He is back with his long-term partner and I can only assume he is worried that I might say something or maybe he is just punishing me. I have no family, my elderly cat just died and I live a long way from my special friends so I am spending Christmas alone. Part of me is relieved as the pressure of meeting gift expectations has been a huge annual burden. 

 

I generally deal with the situation quite well but, as Christmas looms, this estrangement is causing me a lot of grief.   

 

I had always deferred to him in my life decisions and made him my priority- so I am learning to live a new way. I’d just like to start a new kind of relationship with him - not go back to old bad habits. I reached out a month ago in writing but he has ignored me. Writing this has helped enormously- I am not in any way perfect and accept that I shoulder my portion of responsibility for this estrangement. I feel lost for what to do next. Friends say ‘it will work out in the end’ but this is a new experience and I have no benchmark to compare it to.

Does anybody have a similar experience to which they can relate?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

September 16, 2018
8:59 am
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Dina
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The silent epidemic of parental abuse causes us parents to suffer quietly. After all, we must have done something terribly wrong to deserve our children treatment. I found out that my shameless narcissistic adult children, who I raised on my own, put them through college, and now that they are “successful”,  want to inflict shame on me. It is  just a manipulative game they try to gain control. Shame is a feeling that chip at and corrode your self identity. when your adult Narcissistic child  use manipulative games with you, and hold you hostage conditioned to the relationship with you they do it to gain control on you. Why?  They think that they are entitled to your hard worked resources. Don’t let them feel that their lives are more valuable than yours. 

Join me to a week long of empowerment retreat from children abuse in Mexico by the beach November 1-7 . Limited to 8 people dinaf0888@gmail.com

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