Good morning Debbie:
Ive read your post over and over, and it's such a sad story. I can empathize with the pain of losing your daughter to such a sudden, and traumatic departure.
From my limited social work experience, I have witnessed that devasting deaths leave a path of pain to the survivors that cannot be explained. The loved ones left behind often change the events, the scenarios, the relationships, and their input into the tragedy. Your whole family suffered, and it sounds like this is how they are coping. Don't ask for time with your daughter. Perhaps writing her one short letter expressing any amends that you feel are necessary may be appropriate. Then state that when she wants to resume your mother/daughter friendship that you will happy to see her. Everyone already knows that you are strong due to your admirable sobriety. Now it's time to empathize for all your family members, and concentrate on you. Pray, give thanks, exercise your upper, and lower body slowly. I am familiar with your physical ailments, and stress is counter productive toward your future happiness. When my son was mistreating me, I let go and found another path to create some new memories on. He did not get better until I stopped trying to help, and be his friend. Look after yourself, pray, and just wait for the glorious new year that God is going to grace you with.
Sometimes our kids turn out to be not so nice people. We parents often expect the adult children to be our social life and helpers. We raised them to be more self centered and now they don't want to help us or they are at a busy time in life with their own kids. I am coming to think that we parents need to find helpers beyond our adult children. And we need to find a social life beyond our adult children. You have stayed sober for a long, long time, this is a wonderful thing. It sounds like you go to AA, how about making new friends through that organization and just putting effort there? I read a good book about moving forward, Done with the Crying and also Dr. Coleman's book which both helped me through the estrangement. I don't know why our adult children make up things about their childhood but this tells you something, your daughter believes what she wants to and you can't reason with her or make her see "the truth." When that happens, we have to step back and let go, in my opinion. One of my estranged daughters believes that her siblings have been given more money than me, and blames me but if this happened, it was her dad's doing, not mine, we were divorced. But I am blamed and the bad guy and this daughter appeases her dad constantly so that he is allowed to do parental alienation and cut me out. I wish you the best and all the good you can grab moving forward.
There is dysfunction in my family, I divorced the youngest dad after 3 years old marriage, I believe he had undiagnosed drug and alcohol issues. I admitted years ago I am an alcoholic and started AA in 1998. My eldest daughter died by suicide 11 years ago in 2007. My youngest daughter was 17 at the time. Neither of my children liked the man I was dating and married, if I had my eyes open I probably wouldn't have liked him much either, I as infatuated by him and his good looks.
My youngest daughter is 28 now. She is married, and still spend a good amount of her time with her father. I might see her 2 or 3 times a year. When I need help I can't count on her, when I want to talk to her, wish her a happy new year, b-day whatever she won't pick up the phone. If I try to message her on facebook, she ignores my messages. When I ask her "why", she says " listen, I am busy, I have a lot to do, I can't stop everythjing just to help you or answer your calls o your messages, when I have time I will but other than that I'm busy." wow, I suppose if my eyes were really open I would see that she is telling me to f off, leave me alone, I don't want you in my life etc.
when I did my 9th step with her, she seemed very put off, when I was finished the only thing she said was "well barb (step mother) isn't going anywhere for a long-long time I hadn't said a word about the step mother. I felt like she'd replaced me and no longer needed me or wanted me in her life. I've asked her to go to counseling, she refuses, I ask her to talk to me, she won't. What do I do, I don't know what to do. I already lost 1 daughter, in a lot of ways I feel like I have lost her too.
The most recent thing that happened was she went to an ENT, and now wears a hearing aid. She made a comment on facebook "that it reminds her of when she was little and wore a hearing aid for a little while." The thing is she never wore a hearing aide, her sister did, but not her. Her husband attacked me verbally, saying "you think you'd remember your child wearing a hearing aide." She had asthma, her sister wore a hearing aide and as speech and language delayed. I don't know where she got that from, anyway now her husband doesn't talk to me.
I hurt so much and I don't think she cares.
In my own life, I have felt so beat down, I have stayed sober 19 1/2 years now, I live on disability for COPD, Neuropathy, Rhematoid Arthritis, Gerd, Fibromyalgia and now I may need a hip replacement. (I find out next week). It really hurts I do not have her in my life.
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