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3 years and counting
May 22, 2013
2:41 pm

I am hoping that this forum isn't read all that often because really I just need to shoot this out into the universe and hope that it relieves some of my anxiety.  He is visiting tomorrow.

I need something but at this point I have no idea what it is anymore.  Three years ago I met my husband.  For a year, he had been separated from his wife and children.  They lived in a different state.  He was essentially in a rutt.  As a Marine with minimal free time, he was powerless to do anything about her drug abuse and general neglect of the children especially from so far away and having her around was going to get him kicked out of the Corps, meaning no more money and no more medical - the Corps is all he has, so he had sent her to her family to get help.  He sent every cent he had out to them in hopes that some of it would trickle down to the kids.  After a year of getting kicked out of her grandmothers house and moving back in to get kicked out again, she started couch surfing with a 2 and 4 year old and he started getting phone complaints that no one is watching the kids (she would just leave them with who ever was in what ever house she was at, no announcement or inquiry as to who in the house she was leaving the kids with, and wouldn't come back for days).  She was in rehab for the third time that year, her grandparents (80+ years old, one with Alzheimers)  reluctantly took the kids in but had a restraining order against the mother (just a generally unpleasant situation she had created out there, burned every bridge) so I finally told him to go get his kids.  I will help.  Three days later I was an instant mom of two, with zero kid care knowledge; however, I would say my parents did an excellent job with my brother and I so followed their foot steps.

When we met, both of us knew that we were going to be with each other for the rest of our lives.  At this time I really can't remember what that felt like except that his worry (appeared to me as dedication) about his children was a major plus from my perspective.  I was 35 (I was waiting for a father before becoming a mother) and he was 29.  So our first year, he was busy with the Corps and in his spare time he worked on the divorce and child custody.  I also worked full time from home and took care of the house and kids.  I made it abundantly clear, calmly as if I were talking to an adult, to him that he will have to pick up the slack once all this legal stuff is over.  The legal stuff he was dealing with was also dealing with her.  She called every night to scream at him and to demand money.  She had cancer twice and blood clots once and demanded $30 to $50 each time (the price of pain killers - her drug of choice - on the street). She came out to visit once and was in and out of clinics the whole time for a \"wrist problem\" and left her two kids waiting for her all day at the beach and never bothered calling to say she wasn't going to show up.  The next time she scheduled a trip out here she started doing the same thing and he told her don't even bother so she didn't.  Long story short, it was stressful for him but also stressful for me because I had to deal with him afterwards and her flagrant disregard for anyone was unbelievable to me, every interaction he had with her left me just baffled.  He got full physical custody of both boys and no alimony ever.

The kids were interesting too.  The oldest one was born addicted to methadone and the second was born addicted to heroin, crack, various pain killers, just everything out there really.  They were more like wild animals than children, the youngest one has had to have extensive speech therapy and has been attending \"developmental-type\" schools for the last two years.  He is 5 now and other than a lack of tongue control he reportedly is perfectly normal for his age.  It has been a long road to get to where we are and it has been really, really, really rough.  

How does this all tie in to my husband issue?  I swear if I liked to label stuff I would call myself suffering from PTSD at this time.  My responsibilities during the divorce was my profession (with 3 days notice I had to downsize my work load over time from 14 hr work days to zero, it took three years), all of the finances, the house work, the kids, and anything else that came up, all of it was my responsibility.  He went to work and worked on the divorce, that is it.  I was up at 5am and didn't sit down until 11pm sometimes past midnight.  I did this every single day for a year, weekends and holidays didn't exist.  The following year after the divorce, I instructed him to take some money and buy new clothes.  Splurge a little, you deserve it.  Well, that was the mistake I guess.  For the next year I slowly realized that he can't have extra money.  We had to get separate bank accounts because he would spend until it was gone.  

There is three things about his spending.  The first is garbage.  I have watched him tear into a box, ripping it into small pieces to get it open and drop every thing on the floor and then walk away.  Not a thought went to it ever again.  And it piles up and  piles up until I can't stand it anymore and I walk through the house with two 30 gallon trashbags, rinse and repeat.  

The second thing is broken down into three categories, frustration for me, repurchasing of like items, and \"I have a memory problem\". I have found that under the trash is all of the tools and items I have been looking for, he doesn't put anything back.  I spend more time looking for items I need to do a task than actually doing the task.  If he cant find it he will just buy another one, trash on floor, use the screw driver, leave it under pile of trash, buy a new one again next time, etc.  He has a shoddy memory (according to him) so if he forgets to take his deodorant to work, he buys another one.  He has 25 sticks of deodorant laying around the house and not a single one at work.  And bodywash, and luffas, and, and, and anything else he can think of.

And the biggest thing, the third thing, he has no interest in anything but draining the bank account as fast as he can on booze.  EVERY SINGLE WORK NIGHT, he would drink at least a fifth of tequila, the guy has maybe 3-4 hours every evening before needing to go to bed and he would drink an entire fifth in that time.  On weekends, every day of the weekend mind you - that's two days in a row, he would start early and drink two fifths by the end of the night, twice he has actually walked to the store for a third (4 fifths total per weekend).  To make things worse, he doesn't pass out.  He is blacked out and runs around terrorizing the family.  Our monthly alcohol bill was $1,400 a month.  So here I am, after all this effort, stress, looking after two kids that aren't mine (look it just isn't the same when they aren't yours, you do your job anyway but it is considerably harder), I have this SOB literally steering our little boat right down the drain.  He would buy alcohol everyday from a liquor store, he didn't want to commit to a gallon or go somewhere that it was cheaper for some unknown reason.  He would wait until he spent his account to $0 and then start warning me that he needs more money for work stuff or his car registration or something important.  It took a year for me to figure this out through the fog of responsibility and stress I was, and still am, in.  His latest trickery has been transferring alcohol with working out and \"falling off the wagon\" every weekend.  So he gets the money from me for supplements and protein, the stuff he needs to stay sober, but makes sure he has enough for alcohol on weekends.  What ever he does, it consumes every penny.  So I started giving him an allowance and felt like an ass doing it.  I would be so pissed if someone told me they were going to give me an allowance, I am not a child.  It was a frugal allowance which resulted in him $30 and $50 bucking me to death all month, revisiting our budget multiple times a day every day.  Just a waste of my time and effort.  So, all this time his only responsibility has been to at least show up for work, make sure his body is physically there.  I have been dealing with everything else in the marriage for two years now, the house, the kids, the finances, my career, and I AM TIRED.  I used to worry about his organ damage but have accepted that I will be a widow a lot sooner than the typical couple.

He has tried counseling, AA meetings, cold turkey, hot turkey, every type of turkey out there and we have not progressed in any direction in two years.  I REALLY HATE HIM.  He disgusts me.  I resent the kids because he abandoned them on me, spends no time with them, generally ignores them, then forces me to protect them from him when he's blacked out.  I had to take his ass out with a shovel last year, left him laying in the dirt.  I don't let anything happen to those little boys, I keep an eye on their dad and send them up to my parents house to visit right up the street when \"something needs to be done\".  They have no idea whats going on.

Right now, hes soberish.  He drinks about once or twice a month (mind you that's not one or two days, that's binges that last all weekend and into the week with the hangover) which can turn into every day again easily.  Its just a matter of time.  Its a revolving door to no where and I want off.  I'll do something about it, I will work on it, Lets talk about it just not right now, etc.  I just feel lied to every time he says something like that.  The first year I tried to talk to him, the second year it eventually turned into yelling at him, now I am emotionally distancing myself from him and the boys in an attempt to, I don't know, protect myself from them, avoid hurting him myself, hopefully feel something again, or eventually leave.  My cracks are showing.  I have no one to talk to about this.  Counseling doesn't really work for me other than to blow off steam and I don't want to be in the habit of verbally raging at someone every week.  At this point when I talk about it it just ends up a long string of cuss words and grunts and growls of disgust and anger.  I can't even make words come out I get so pissed off.

I tell him I need a vacation.  So we go on one and apparently a vacation is he blacks out and I make sure the boys had a good time, more of the same as being at home.  We have gone on vacation twice, would have been considerably cheaper had we just stayed home.  I tell him I need a day off, I leave and come home to the house destroyed and hes blacked out running around making messes everywhere he goes.  I tell him to take the kids and get away from me for the day.  He does things like gets the car impounded, apparently when there is a sign in front of the parking spot and you can't read it very well its fine to park there, $450.  Mothers day, my birthday, and every holiday in a year is his to drink.  I have taken three days off in the last three years and regretted every one.  I don't leave him to his devices anymore, its like taking care of someone with a mental handicap or a 180 pound ferret.

He is thoughtless.  He isn't doing this on purpose, he just doesn't think about how his actions affect the people around him.  He has no idea what he is doing.  Not a clue.  It doesn't even cross his mind to think first, he doesn't think about thinking.  He is 100% reacting to his environment every second of everyday.  Its like there is no self awareness.  I am not even sure if he is capable of being self aware.  I think that gene was omitted some how.

I have no idea what I need to do to improve my living conditions.  Absolutely none.  I have tried everything.  You name it.  I tried it.  Now, I am just holding on, accepting that this garbage life is mine, accepting what I have been reduced to, and crying when I can.  I am one of those \"I am tougher than nails\" types so crying doesn't come easy for me.  I am emotionally bottled up, nothing I say or do changes anything.  Its just more of the same.  In his previous marriage he was the responsible one (although I can't imagine it), this time around he made sure that he wasn't going to be the responsible one, maybe his third marriage will be more even.  

I feel like I am married to his ex-wife.  Maybe I am in a way and this is his way of making things right in his head?  You know, fair?  I ask him this sort of stuff and his response is always \"I don't know and I have no time/energy to talk\".  He is gone for 6 glorious weeks right now and he promises that he will start making time to mend our marriage.  He says stuff like that all the time with no follow through.  And making time for it?  He has all sorts of time.  You mean be sober long enough to have a conversation that you will remember?  

We accomplish great things when he is sober.  I think about how happy we used to be and it really saddens me that this is all that's left.  I can't afford hope anymore and I can't dream about the future, its a nightmare.  I am entertaining the idea of paying all the bills and just giving him everything left over.  Either he starts to realize that he needs to do something about himself and for us or his liver will fail.  

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