I've been feeling so guilty ever since my 26 year old daughter texted me at Thanksgiving that she is "done with me for good". I know it is because of my two divorces and my remarriage 5 years ago. (To the most wonderful man in the world who is sweet and kind to me and has made me so happy.) She told me so in a scathing text that read: YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED 3 TIMES. YOU CHOOSE MEN OVER ME.
I won't go into any of my past marital history because it doesn't matter. No matter how bad I describe these marriages, she was the one who was hurt. I'll never forget her sad, tearful face the day I said goodbye to her father. I told her it was for the best even though it broke her heart. I should have stayed and taken it all for her sake. I never should have remarried. Now, the same pain and grief she endured is coming back to finish me off. Just deserts for being a selfish mom. Now my daughter: my only child has divorced me. I get to see what it feels like. And it hurts. Just like she will never heal from my mistakes and the hurt of a broken family, I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to her and live the rest of my life in pain missing her. Now we are both in pain. I have decided I can't live in the relationship I'm in now. There is no fullfillment knowing how my daughter feels. I have to divide my loyalty between husband and my daughter and it just feels wrong. There is no way out except to end this in divorce too. I have so much anger, bitterness and pain that even if I am alone and my daughter comes back to me because I am single again, I am too weak and broken to give her the love she deserves. I tried contacting a therapist to talk to through my employee assistance program but none of them can see me; they're either booked up or their hours are only during my work hours: a sign that I am meant to suffer this pain alone. I should have never become a parent, but I did. G-U-I-L-T-Y.
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