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I have read Imperfect Harmony backwards & forwards
February 4, 2010
1:07 am

I have read Imperfect Harmony backwards & forwards, for going on three years now. Most of the book is enormously helpful to me as I continue to stay married for the sake of the kids and for my own sake as their full-time parent. But in the chapter on sex I haven’t found the help I need and I have wanted so much to ask you about it. Sex is the one aspect of life with my husband that I find intolerable. I am highly erotic and responsive with other men but frigid with my husband. During periods when I abstain from affairs, sex with my husband is even worse. Sometimes I can give him a blow job or hand job without feeling too bad. But the very worst is when he touches me sexually or goes down on me. It is truly horrible to submit to these behaviors in the absence of desire. I never pretend to enjoy any of our sexual encounters but he persists anyway, and I comply to keep the peace and stability in our home. I am scared to tell my husband I will “do him” but he can’t “do me” because whenever we speak openly about our marriage, he goes into crisis mode; we can’t afford for him to stop working, eating, and sleeping. (This is a big reason we have never continued with marriage therapy, though we’ve tried it… also, he doesn’t believe in therapy). I’ve read every conceivable marriage book and all but yours have an underlying assumption that there is love between the partners. In my case this isn’t true (he says he loves and desires me but I don’t reciprocate), which may be why none of the advice on sex has helped me at all. Since your book comes so close to giving me everything I need to endure this marriage, I would really appreciate some additional support from you in this area.

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