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who gives first?
June 18, 2016
8:02 am
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phyllis
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phyllis said
Thank you for your input. I have reached out to her numerous times and apologized for anything I may have said that hurt her. She has never responded. The last time I had moved and told her if she ever needed me at any time in her life i would be there for her. I left my new address and number. 

Her mom has told her her entire life that my son, her father has never paid child support. In fact he paid through DHS and paid until she was 18 despite her quitting and getting pregnant. He paid for her Dental and braces. Paid for her many years of soccer and took her to out of state and local games. He did not get her when he had to work overtime to afford his own place to live. 

He actually over paid her support and was refunded a small amount. 

She bashes him to his new wife and family by Facebook, calls and mail. It breaks my heart for him and her. 

She claims that he was never there for her and only her step dad was and her mom. 

I had always thought her and I had a good relationship before all this break out when she turned 13. I bought her school clothes and supplies most every year. We went camping. I taught her to drive. To fish. I really love her. 

According to her i did nothing for her. 

I cannot agree with her since she is totally wrong and has been brain washed by a vengeful mother. 

BTW she is now 23 with a 3 or old boy. My great grandson. 

June 13, 2016
2:49 pm
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onestepatatime
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We all have to decide for ourselves whether or not a relationship is so toxic that we must avoid it, cut down contact, or go no contact. Many of us here are "nice people" who get manipulated and controlled and often taken advantage of by "not so nice people" (users, meanies, etc.). There is often nothing we can do to make it better. We have no power or control over these people. We can detach, we can let go, and we must do what is best for our own mental and emotional health. Some people just let it all go and don't obsess over the meanness or the slights. Others hurt so hard it causes depression. We are all different but the main thing to know is that the mentally  healthy thing to do is not allow people to abuse, use, or take advantage of us. Have boundaries and stick up for ourselves. This is not to say be mean back or argue with these people. Just take a step back and look at this as if it was a co-worker's adult child behaving the way your AC does. What would you say? Stand up for yourself, distance yourself or grovel? Often we can see it for others when we can't see it for ourselves. I don't believe most of us parents on here deserve the abuse -- but of course, some parents are not good parents, abuse and use and are self centered, and then the AC have to do what I suggest here. Hold on to your boundaries. Any person who tells you that you are wrong to have boundaries is not someone to trust or allow in your life. Be strong, be smart, apologize where necessary but do not be held hostage to people who do not mean good for you, who do not treat you well and with real love, who put themselves first always and forever.

June 13, 2016
1:50 pm
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phyllis
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Thank you for your input. I have reached out to her numerous times and apologized for anything I may have said that hurt her. She has never responded. The last time I had moved and told her if she ever needed me at any time in her life i would be there for her. I left my new address and number. 

Her mom has told her her entire life that my sin, her father has never paid child support. In fact he spud through DHS and paid until she was 18 despite her quitting and getting pregnant. He paid fir her Dental and braces. Paid for her many years of soccer and took her to out of state and local games. He dud not get her when he had to work overtime to afford his own place to live. 

He actually over paid her support and was refunded a small amount. 

She bashes him to his new wife and family by Facebook, calls and mail. It breaks my heart for him and her. 

She claims that he was never there for her and only her step dad was and her mom. 

I had always thought her and I had a good relationship before all this break out when she turned 13. I bought her school clothes and supplies most every year. We went camping. I thought her to drive. To fish. I really love her. 

According to her i did nothing for her. 

I cannot agree with her since she us totally wrong and has been brain washed by a vengeful mother. 

BoW she is now 23 with a 3 or old boy. My great grandson. 

June 12, 2016
3:10 pm
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Judith
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Does it really have to be who is 'right' - but more about the adult taking responsibility for giving a good example e.g. compassion and 'unconditional love'  which clearly if we'd been lucky enough to have received none of us would even be on here!!

Alice Miller the world renowned author /psychologist /psychotherapist rightly spoke about the real necessity to recognise the highly dysfunctional parenting we received and the need to recognise that we should condemn it as abuse - as one person once said ' A life unexamined is not worth the living of it'  Alice Miller warned us if we didn't thoroughly examine our treatment at the hands of our parents we were in great danger of repeating the same abuses on our own children -  I used to think that because I wasn't being violent as I'd experienced that shouting or failing to listen properly to my own that this too was another kind of abuse - If only I'd read her books 'Drama of the Gifted Child'  -'For Your Own Good' and various others - She also rightly spoke of the terrible damage that hitting a child can do to it's self worth and sense of self - I know from experience that had my mother protected me from my father's hitting and indeed her own violent behaviour I would NEVER have gravitated towards similar treatment in adulthood - I just wouldn't have acccepted that treatment because I'd have realised that I didn't deserve it because it wouldn't have felt familiar - As it was,  I found it all too familiar and therefore not extra ordinary!  I really thought I deserved it - but now I see I never did and nor did I deserve being hit as a child.  NO child deserves to be hit.   I could train a dog without hitting using positive 'strokes' and you're not able to reason with a dog - but by God you can certainly reason and take the time with a child to teach through praise and showing that child is worth protection by example!  If our children can't depend on receiving healthy examples that they're truly loved and worth protecting who on earth is left to show them and we're setting them up to go forward to accept similar betrayals of trust in adulthood!

June 12, 2016
2:39 pm
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phyllis
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If we all had a chance to change things we have done in the past I'm pretty sure we all would take that chance. Reality is we cannot change the past. All we can do is learn from the past.

 

I'm glad I never held my parents mistakes against them or i would have never had other experiences with them. Better experiences. Nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. 

 

God knows I have not been the best parent. I hope my kids are forgiving of my mistakes. I cannot promise I won't make more. 

 

I wish I could take back some if the things I have said that hurt my granddaughter. My intentions were not to hurt her. Not that I did not mean what I said but that it hurt her what I said. I blame it on that she was not honest with me about the things that were troubling her. I do know that a lot of the things she has been told in life are not true. I can never make her believe this unfortunately. I think she is being one sided about the situation. 

 

So in order for things to be SOMEWHAT okay for her I would have to take the entire blame and say she is totally right when she's not. I do not want any relationship based on lies. I see no solution to this. 

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