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Support Groups for Estranged Grandparents
April 13, 2016
11:34 pm
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Rita
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Hello everyone!

This is my first time on this site.  This is the first time I have discussed this problem with anyone besides my husband. A few people are aware of the situation but not many.  

My son and my future dil will not let me see my grandson he is 9 months old.  This started back when he was first born.  I was to babysit 5 days a week then it went to 2 days a week then not at all.

He was born in one hospital and had to be flown to a children's hospital because he was not breathing.  They had to give him cpr from the minute he was born till he got to the children hospital.  The mother was not able to go because of health reasons.  So my husband and I went with my son and stayed with him until the mother was able to be released so she could be with her child and future husband.  So we came home and would drive 2 hours every other day to spend the afternoon to help.  My son called one time and said his girlfriend was in the hospital by the childrens hospital.  So we go over to give them a breather.  Before we left my son got ahold of us and told us that if we did not want to come that would be fine.  Well as parents we went to help in any way.  

Her parents were there ..so we told them they could visit their daughter while we sat with the grandbaby and my son.  Later we went to lunch my son made a statement I will never forget.  She told my son to tell us not to come we were not needed her parents could handle it.  I said she doesnt want us here.  He told no I have to keep everyone happy!  K , her mom and you..I stated no you don't just tell me what to do...well my heart broke into because I knew what this meant.  I would not be allowed to see my grandson anymore.  When we would go back and see them at the hospital.  If we got there and the kids wasn't there, the nurses would ask if we was related to the mother.  When we would say no...they would go "ooohhh" then say nothing else. That told me a story I would be living till my death.  

Since the grandchild had problems at the beginning ...test were done ..he gave the results in a text.  Of course I was upset heartbroken once again.  Dont know the extint until he grows up.

I ask him if I could ask for Prayer at Church...he said they didnt want anyone to know...I told them I would not tell what the need would be..that was not my place.  He said I could not ask the church for prayer which he knows the Bible but does not follow it.  I could not believe it...I was in shock because he had no problem when the baby was born.  So in the conversation somewhere they got the idea I said I did not want the grandbaby to get better.  My son was yelling at me crying and cussing.  I told him I did not want to be talked to that way...we are all under stress please stop and he hung upon me.  

Sorry for the book:  getting to the point....did not know anything was wrong....back up (at the children hospital her grandmother told me that k did not like me so she will not let me see my grandson...i will have to fight....) 

So they come home we cant go over till they call us....oh yea they live in my late mothers house rent free.....so we wait for the phone call....

Then later on my son comes over and tells me I made k mad .... so i said let us go and I will talk to her...knowing what stress she is under.  Before we could go he had to call her and see if I could come over.  Once there it came out about the church thing and that I did not want the grandbaby to get better.   I told them I did not remember saying that but if I hurt their feelings I was sorry...we all agreed we would move on....k had a really hard time moving on..but thought she did.

Well then the next day I heard from my son that I did not apologize for the church incident..so I called k she did not answer so I left a message saying.  really the same thing again I was sorry if I hurt her feelings...so time goes on....

That is when she contacted me about doing 2 days a week of babysitting.  she had texted me then about a half hour later my son called me wanting to know why I had not got back with k..I said I did...why..cause she told him I would not talk to her in a timely manner.

So I ask him If me and him was ok and yes we were....so ok that would be fine I work around the other situations.   

Then family was coming down to visit for a day......so I let her know...well they couldnt make it because of her family.  I said ok..Then my sister in law got with her and decided to come down earlier to see the baby.

K told them they would meet at her house...then I find out she told them to meet at my house..we were not home...running errands and was meeting my sil later...well that set her off..and of course this is my fault...we were together the immediate family and I did tell her the next time she wanted to meet at my house I would appreciate a heads up...then she started lying about it...saying it was me and then it was my sil....I told her no and so then they start in with saying I made comments...which no one else thought was in bad taste...I just said I haven't seen you in awhile..that made them made...

So after that I could not see my grandson until I apologize for what was said while in the hospital again....I have three times....so my husband and I decided enough no more apologizing for the same thing over and over.

Now we have to decide if they should pay rent or not...oh yea they will not come to any family function if I am there....

Sorry for the book,,,but I do feel better...I do realize I am not alone..boy it sure does hurt!!!!!

Thanks for listening or reading

April 2, 2016
6:44 pm
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Belinda
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I am new to this group.I have been on an emotional roller coaster at the hands of my only living child (female),off and on for so many years,I have lost count. When she flips out,it's like I am on time out and she pulls my grandchildren away.They are not allowed to visit or even call me on the phone.This has happened so many times I have told myself I will just move on with my life, but in actuality it hurts me to the core.I feel at this time it is beginning to affect my health. I remarried and she does not care for my spouse.It's like if she does not like disapprove of a person or situation in my life then I am wrong,she is right and if I do not conform to her way of thinking I loose her therefore my grandchildren til she decides to let it go. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

March 5, 2016
7:36 pm
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Judith
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Hi 

I too am an estranged grandmother - the only grand daughter being the adopted child of my oldest son and his wife

Her mother has full control along with her husband having the child during holidays and after school each day etc 

I've only been invited to one shared 'Mother's Day' lunch which was two years ago only because I made the effort and asked my son could we meet

I'd doyourne years of spending that and Xmas and Easter you name without family -

i won't ring them anymore - last year after the one before i suggested perhaps we might meet at a more mutually convenient location - I had to take two trains and a car ride on my own - they on the other hand rode in together in my son's car from Sidcup to The Strand in City of London where he works at the bank - 

There wasn't even a place set for me when i arrived at the restaurant - I had said I was having panic attacks and wasn't sure if I'd manage it but I felt like the bad fairy!!

Last year my son made a feeble excuse that they were short of time and space and perhaps we'd meet the following weekend for lunch-

But I felt incredibly hurt knowing that the whole country was celebrating Mother's Day together on the day!

This time round fortunately I've been invited out by another Al-anon member to International Women's Day gathering on Mother's Day which at least will serve as some distraction!  I did at least buy myself a bunch of really nice flowers - and cooked myself a really nice roast beef this evening even though I was alone, with roast potatoes, parsnips, cauliflower carrots and yorkshire pudding etc and had a little red wine from an open bottle in the  pantry - while watching a good chat show hosted by Jonathan Ross - guests included Richard Gere, a female comediene and Barry Cordy the Motown mogul - it was a really good show and afterwards watched a police thriller series - so in all i had a good evening and must go to bed if I am to be up in time for the International Womens Day celebration - Thanks for all your stories and hope you manage to achieve a bit of peace of mind in one way or another - I know the pain can be intollerable ((Hugs to all)))

February 29, 2016
12:45 pm
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Tobi Dawn
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  I am an alienated parent and grandparent ,I need a support group I live in the Texas Panhandle please help !!!! 

February 29, 2016
9:18 am
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melanie lalita
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I am struggling with my situation. my mother died, unresolved stuff, and my children left home. WE CAME TO OZ AFTER I MET HUSBAND nz BUT ORIGIN England TO 13 YEARS OLD. My mother and step-father emigrated then and I lost contact and never really had much contact with relatives but granddad emigrated a year afer , having built home unit and we were close. I mention this because in my estrangement from daughter I remember how much my closeness to my grandad enriched my  life. I am questioning everything and stagnating and feeling lost now. Empty. I have won awards for my proze and spent time in bed after trauma I never told and ended up slotted into a space my mother opened by saying a distant relative was mentally unwell. Then I was Told two years on in a very controlled environment yes I knew you were raped . She ran away from phone when I told her school teacher had sex with me but years on he spent time in jail in Auckland but now can't reach my children,especially Zara, and I,m feeling less like getting up and more like giving up. PS. I was a STREAM ENGLISH AND ACTIVE AND BEGAN DANCING AT 3 AND GAVE UP AFTER RAPE AND SCHOOL TEACHER MR SPILLAINE AT 17 AND AFTER CAR CRASH AND GOT SLOTTED INTO A SPACE OF DEPRESSION AND MEDS B ECAUSE I NEVER SPOKE. PS I'M AGROPHOBIC AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE NOW AND DEEPLY DEPRESSED AND CAN;T SEE MY BEAUTIFULGRANDDAUGHTER OR FIX ANYTHING

December 13, 2015
1:55 pm
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Judy
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OMG! I completely understand the pain and trauma you are going through. This has happened with two of my four children and they use the grandchildren as weapons to hurt me. Both my son and daughter have alcohol issues and feel I don't do enough for them. Having been widowed 21 years ago, my family IS my heart, soul and reason for living.

With the holidays fast approaching, I dread the pain of not being able to see my grandkids.

May we find a way to bring our family values back and end this needless abuse for ourselves and little ones.

December 2, 2015
9:20 am
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Teresa
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my heart is broken. After helping my son a couple of years ago with his divorce, helped him sell his house , let him and our grandson live with us. He meets this girl within a month gets engaged she very swiftly gets her name on his checking account . He takes my grandson to live with the girlfriend my grandson only met her 3 times. long story short my son has cut off all communication with us, he wont let me talk to our grandson with whom we had a very close loving relationship with, he also took my grandson out of counseling with no word to the counsel to let her know he was not going anymore. My grandson has gone through alot with a mean abusive mother who abandoned him twice. then is put in a situation where he knows no one . his father works out of state. So he dosen't even see his father on a regular basis. he only sees the girlfriend and who ever is at her house . the topper is she got engaged to my son and is still married the husband still lives in the house while my grandson lives there and his father works out of state. I went to a lawyer for grandparents rights to see my grandson the money i dont have because we gave it to our son to get him back on his feet. MY grandson misses us the 3 times i did talk to him he said he wanted to see us. 6 months have gone by , I cry everyday hoping for a miracle, with the hoildays coming it will be very hard. I dont understand how our son can do this.

November 17, 2015
1:29 am
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Teresa
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kristins said

I just came across this group. I'm a grama of three..2 are my sons who got divorced recently. I used to babsit the kids sometimes 7 days a week keeping overnites all the time ..pretty much helping raise them. Since my sons gotten divorced my ex daughter in law is using the kids as a weapon against my son and our family.. And mind you we are a very good loving family.  A very close family. She is kicking us where it hurts and she knows it.. I haven't seen them in almost 2 months and this is forever to me. I am very close and bonded to them. My one grandson calls me Ma he doesn't call me Grandma no matter how much we try.. Lol.  He calls his mom Mommy and me Ma.. I cry everyday and am very depressed I'm never depressed.   My entire Facebook is me with the Grandkids.. I have never said anything bad to my ex daughter in law but its getting very hard not to. If my son does something to make her mad she takes it out on me now because she knows it hurts him.. I just need to vent.  I don't know what to do..  I am honestly about to go get visitation papers .. This is really hard and I just don't understand how people can be so cruel..

Have just found this site.  In a similar situation for the past two years - also our son.  You tapped into exactly how we feel.  Cried and cried at first and still feel totally powerless to do anything to resolve the situation.Cannot understand why all this heartbreak and emotional turmoil is allowed to happen when the outcome is mental health problems and anxiety ridden children through no fault of their own.  Divorcing couples should be forced to have councelling, paid for by the State, to make them see the damage they do through using their children as weapons.  It is everywhere in our society.  I am amazed, when I open up to friends about our situation how many are also suffering through similar family breakdowns.  My best advice is to not give in.  Let your grandchildren know you are still there for them via whatever channel possible, even if you are not sure they receive cards or presents.  I always put our address and phone number in cards.  I also have a "treasure box" for my three grandchildren with their names on which I have filled with memories of our time together when they were younger.  Every holiday we have I put a keepsake in them to let them know we never forgot them.  I pray every day that their mother will soften her attitude but I know their young minds have been poisoned against their paternal family.

November 12, 2015
3:26 pm
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kristins
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I just came across this group. I'm a grama of three..2 are my sons who got divorced recently. I used to babsit the kids sometimes 7 days a week keeping overnites all the time ..pretty much helping raise them. Since my sons gotten divorced my ex daughter in law is using the kids as a weapon against my son and our family.. And mind you we are a very good loving family.  A very close family. She is kicking us where it hurts and she knows it.. I haven't seen them in almost 2 months and this is forever to me. I am very close and bonded to them. My one grandson calls me Ma he doesn't call me Grandma no matter how much we try.. Lol.  He calls his mom Mommy and me Ma.. I cry everyday and am very depressed I'm never depressed.   My entire Facebook is me with the Grandkids.. I have never said anything bad to my ex daughter in law but its getting very hard not to. If my son does something to make her mad she takes it out on me now because she knows it hurts him.. I just need to vent.  I don't know what to do..  I am honestly about to go get visitation papers .. This is really hard and I just don't understand how people can be so cruel..

November 2, 2015
4:00 pm
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CHERYL
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Just read Wendy's story.Broke my heart.Similiar to my story.Have not seen my daughter and grandson in almost 3 yrs.My son in a yr.They do not talk to us.Daughter has fought with me all her life.Ex has taught them both to disrespect me and the steomother does the same..They love and respect her.They would talk for awhile and then start putting me down.Always walking on egg shells.Everytime they don't like something.I get punished.Last almost 3 yrs,she hasn't let me see my 4 yr. old grandson.I cry every day.Life is empty.Iwalk outside and feel theirs nothing here. Just pain my heart is broken.I know HE'LL NEVER KNOW US.

November 2, 2015
8:13 am
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Wendy
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I am so happy to have found this forum. As I read the comments tears came to my eyes, there is not pain as the loss of love from our children and grandchildren. I am also a widow it it very much feels like the same grief.

So grateful to know I am not alone, ty for this forum

October 27, 2015
11:15 am
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Broken Hearted Grand
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carolyn said
For those of us who are suffering not only from being estranged from our adult children but also having to bear the excruciating pain of not being able to be a part of our grandchildrens' lives.  I found a website: http://www.aga-fl.org Alienated Grandparents Anonymous with a wealth of informative and encouraging articles from Drs. and Counselors and a list of support groups in the USA.  Our grandchildren are suffering much like we are as they have no control over what is happening in their lives also.  While it is now considered by many Drs. and Counselors as \"elder abuse\" what we are going through with our estranged children it is also considered \"child abuse\" what is happening to the grandchildren.  They are the innocent ones and are having to bury their emotions why they no longer see their Grandma or Grandpa.  What is going on in these little ones' minds?  They at their young age should not have to suffer with those kinds of issues.  Older grandchildren should not have to stop communicating with their grandparents just to show loyalty to their parents and keep peace.  All of this is not normal or healthy for our grandchildren.  We as Grandparents need to be the Voice for our Grandchildren and help get the information out to the proper people.  This website is a non-profit group that is working towards helping both the Grandparents and Grandchildren.  While Estrangement with Adult Children is becoming epidemic along with that comes the unfortunate and sad epidemic of Estranged Grandparents and Grandchildren that is a snow-balling effect of a decision made by those out of our control.  I pray that we can find peace in helping our loving and innocent grandchildren.  May I also wish you all a Mother's Day where you will treat yourself well and be gentle to yourselves reminding yourself what a good Mother and Person you are and were.  Please forgive yourselves for any mistakes you have made as we are all human and imperfect.  Most of all, forgive and love those that have hurt us as that is what we would want from them also.  Take care.    

Thank you so much for this.  Our daughter has told us she never wants to hear from us again, and will not allow us access to two of our six grandchildren.  The only "light" is one of our other granddaughters in the same class at school, so she tells me how they are doing.  This Halloween is our first holiday without them, and I am just sick about it. I am making a record of all their holidays, putting aside birthday and holiday cards that we would have given them, so if they want to contact us after they are 18, I will have records that we didn't miss an occasion, that we thought of them all the time and missed them dearly while we waited for them to get out from under their mom's control.  Nobody is perfect, but I always felt like we were very supportive of our daughter, but she sees it differently.  Our other daughter and son are very loving and supportive, so that helps somewhat. Thank you for listening. 

January 31, 2015
7:40 pm
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p
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Jay Rossi said
Hello,

My name is Jay and I was reading all your comments and just sat here crying. How in this day and age, must we go through this after having given our children the best.

My daughter who is 45y/o has for reasons unknown to me, threw  her loving husband out of her home, sold her house, friendship with a no-good sort of man, told me to get out of her life or she will call the Police to take a AVO against me and her husband of 20 years.  This has all come to me as a great shock. My daughter was the most beautiful child I know, loving, beautiful, respectable, caring, perfect wife and mother and the most wonderful daughter. I had a call from her accusing me of being the cause of her life failure.

I left her abusive father after 30 years of marriage and remarried 16 years ago. She has despised my husband from the day she heard that I was getting married. She has threatened me over the years and kept the grandchildren from seeing me, unless I left him and came to live with her. She has started drinking a lot and became abusive with my partner. I could never have gone back to live with her, I had my own life to live. She started to put the children up against me especially the 18 year old. This child has grown up seeing her mothers' anger and now hates me as well as my husband. My children have always been the centre of my life. I have not seen them for 3 moths and all this has now left me empty. I cry everyday and feel like I have lost my children. She told me once the house is sold, I will never see her or the grandchildren again.

I have prayed so hard and cried to the Lord to intervene and help me. What do I do?

 

 

http://www.e-gparents.com

January 31, 2015
7:37 pm
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peggy
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Julie said
Thanks for the advice.  We have stopped contact as of this past weekend. 

We are tired of the abuse, the name calling, the cruelty, the double standards...for now, my hub and I will be focusing on our mental and physical health. 

Sadly, she's our only daughter with our only granddaughter, and another grandchild due in July. She doesn't want us in her life. She's made that quite clear. 

http://www.e-gparents.com   we are trying

January 31, 2015
7:30 pm
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peggy
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Theresa said
 the above shared link: http://www.aga-fl.org#sthash.6.....Gxsbe.dpuf  is no longer available.  I would love to find more info, articles and support as an estranged grandparent and estranged parent from my adult children who have joined forces against me and their father.  My husband and I have been married for 40 years and our four children are ours.  We have had our ups and downs in our marital relationship as well as our family relationships over the years but never anticipated this kind of cruelty and lack of communication between ourselves and our children.  I feel like a hostage with my grandchildren being dangled over my head.   The holdiays hurt the worst as I cannot see my grandchildren and do not know if I am allowing the disfunction to continue if I go out and buy gifts for my grandchildren and hope they will be accepted or recieved or rejected by my children and not even given to my grandchildren.  It hurts everyday.  Any advice would be greatly appreciated!  God bless you for this site.  

 

http://www.e-gparents.com   we are trying
 

January 26, 2015
7:39 am
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Julie
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Today is a trigger day for me. Our only granddaughter turns 4 today, and I wish there was a way to stop FB from telling me what happened 2 years ago. It was the last birthday we celebrated with her. She was helping me make cookies for her birthday party. She was loving it, and it was a very special memory. 

I heard that children don't remember much from 2 ½ years earlier. So I believe that I'm the guardian of this small, special moment in time.

Today, I'm striving to keep busy and distracted to keep my heart from breaking and my head from telling a lot of self talk. 

I'm looking forward to spending some time with my spiritual counselor and being of service to those who bring positivity to my life...and help remind me to keep moving forward. 

January 25, 2015
7:22 pm
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Julie
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Thanks, Kathy.

Yes, we're going to keep working on us and stop their madness of gas lighting us. 

I read a quote about moms and children, that they're the first ones to hear our hearts from the inside, they listen to our hearts from the outside and at times they no longer hear the whispers of our hearts. 

Sending you good thoughts for healing and moving forward, too. That's all we can do. Hope never dies, though pieces of our hearts wither. 

January 25, 2015
6:53 pm
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Kathy
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It is so hard to have our adult children "dislike" us and refuse a relationship, yet, at some point we have to detach. For our own mental health and getting on with our lives. I am on the fence about what to do with my alienated kids. I just take it one day at a time. For about a year now, my focus has been to stop grieving and move forward.  I don't have any grandchildren yet but I expect to be in your shoes some day when they arrive.  I have learned you can be the best parent, loving, child centered, and healthy mentally yourself -- and still find yourself cast out of their lives.  Good wishes to you. PS: Dr Coleman's web cast on Tuesday is about the spouse of our child who alienates them from us. Worth listening to.

January 24, 2015
8:36 pm
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Julie
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Thanks for the advice.  We have stopped contact as of this past weekend. 

We are tired of the abuse, the name calling, the cruelty, the double standards...for now, my hub and I will be focusing on our mental and physical health. 

Sadly, she's our only daughter with our only granddaughter, and another grandchild due in July. She doesn't want us in her life. She's made that quite clear. 

January 22, 2015
3:43 pm
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Kathy
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I am sorry for your pain and understand how all this technology can make the hurt worse.  I had to get off facebook because I could not stand seeing what my alienated kids were up to, events they were with their father at, writing blurbs about how their father's girlfriend is "one of her best friends."  One  of mine is very self centered and feels I am the self centered one and not interested in her enough so now when we have our few conversations they are ALL about her and full of praise.  Can't even talk about the news!!!  I hated seeing photos of my friends with their kids and grandkids so I just closed my account.  If your daughter is sending photos on the phone or on the email, just don't look. Move the emails into a folder called "don't look" and wait till you are ready. Perhaps she is really being mean or perhaps she is trying to reach out to you in the only way she can.  If her husband is controlling, this may be all she can do.  When she is emailing photos or texting photos, answer in a positive loving way.  Keep the focus on HER.  Thank her.  Say nothing about yourself.  She may need to be more detached from you in order to grow up and mature herself.  I feel this is part of my self centered kid's issues.  If you get ugly texts after sending texts, then send small toys and books, things that don't need a size or require information from her.  Protect yourself and don't do the things that cause her to snap at you.  Not saying you are wrong, just change your behavior so you aren't putting yourself into these situations.  Keep the focus on anything you say to be all about her and praise her constantly.  Read Dr. Coleman's book. Let go and learn to detach and stop trying to push for a relationship at this time.  Give it time. You may be unwittingly forcing her to push back in a hateful way.  Gather your dignity and stop engaging if it brings only pain or hateful comments. If you are self centered, critical or obnoxiously in her life, then realize she may have a good reason to push you away.

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