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Now She is Withholding my Granddaughter....
December 19, 2016
3:21 am
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Sam Peterson
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Awaiting Moderation

August 28, 2016
11:26 pm
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Julie
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Summer said
So why are you arguing with your daughter?

At this point she is an adult and doesn't need you to meddle and offer unwanted advice on how she raises her kids and lives her life.

That is what one means when "crossing boundaries."

It means to understand that the aging parent needs to stop parenting the adult daughter and respect her decisions without belittling them.

Your adult daughter is communicating to you as an adult: "mom please stop arguing with me.  I know how to parent, I am an adult.  Please respect my boundaries.  You are going too far."

You are rejecting her clear, calm and mature approach to reconciling conflict.

As a last resort, since healthy communication is not working, your adult daughter is physically distancing from you.

Listen, your adult daughter would not be avoiding you if you were behaving as a mature individual who is considerate of her boundaries.

Feigning confusion as to the meaning of boundaries after she told you is manipulative.

Accusing her of withholding your grandchild when you do not respect your grandchild's parent is manipulative.

The truth of the matter is a grandmother does not have equal say in how a child is raised as the parent.

Apologize to your daughter.

Start respecting your daughter's boundaries.

Recognize the primary status of the mother as parent of grandchild and that your refusal to drop the arguing is causing a rift--one that may be permanent if you don't start humbling yourself and do more listening and less meddling.

It is good to remember that each situation is different.  I don't think it is fair or wise to judge when so little information is known.

August 28, 2016
11:16 pm
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Julie
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Summer said
So why are you arguing with your daughter?

At this point she is an adult and doesn't need you to meddle and offer unwanted advice on how she raises her kids and lives her life.

That is what one means when "crossing boundaries."

It means to understand that the aging parent needs to stop parenting the adult daughter and respect her decisions without belittling them.

Your adult daughter is communicating to you as an adult: "mom please stop arguing with me.  I know how to parent, I am an adult.  Please respect my boundaries.  You are going too far."

You are rejecting her clear, calm and mature approach to reconciling conflict.

As a last resort, since healthy communication is not working, your adult daughter is physically distancing from you.

Listen, your adult daughter would not be avoiding you if you were behaving as a mature individual who is considerate of her boundaries.

Feigning confusion as to the meaning of boundaries after she told you is manipulative.

Accusing her of withholding your grandchild when you do not respect your grandchild's parent is manipulative.

The truth of the matter is a grandmother does not have equal say in how a child is raised as the parent.

Apologize to your daughter.

Start respecting your daughter's boundaries.

Recognize the primary status of the mother as parent of grandchild and that your refusal to drop the arguing is causing a rift--one that may be permanent if you don't start humbling yourself and do more listening and less meddling.

August 4, 2016
12:11 pm
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Summer
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So why are you arguing with your daughter?

At this point she is an adult and doesn't need you to meddle and offer unwanted advice on how she raises her kids and lives her life.

That is what one means when "crossing boundaries."

It means to understand that the aging parent needs to stop parenting the adult daughter and respect her decisions without belittling them.

Your adult daughter is communicating to you as an adult: "mom please stop arguing with me.  I know how to parent, I am an adult.  Please respect my boundaries.  You are going too far."

You are rejecting her clear, calm and mature approach to reconciling conflict.

As a last resort, since healthy communication is not working, your adult daughter is physically distancing from you.

Listen, your adult daughter would not be avoiding you if you were behaving as a mature individual who is considerate of her boundaries.

Feigning confusion as to the meaning of boundaries after she told you is manipulative.

Accusing her of withholding your grandchild when you do not respect your grandchild's parent is manipulative.

The truth of the matter is a grandmother does not have equal say in how a child is raised as the parent.

Apologize to your daughter.

Start respecting your daughter's boundaries.

Recognize the primary status of the mother as parent of grandchild and that your refusal to drop the arguing is causing a rift--one that may be permanent if you don't start humbling yourself and do more listening and less meddling.

February 19, 2016
2:30 pm
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Heartsick
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I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have only 1 adult daughter (34) and 2 granddaughters and a 3rd on the way. Whenever I don't agree with my daughter and she is upset with me, she withholds my grandchildren from me. I was divorced when she was 13 and her father was very manipulative trying to make her choose between me and him. I tried to explain she doesn't need to choose that she can have a mother that loves her, a father that loves her, his girlfriend that loves her and it's all ok .. When she was 14 she wanted to live with her father..because he had no rules or boundaries and tried to act more like a friend then a father.. I have always viewed the role of a mother with the responsibility to teach right from wrong, respect and accountability. I was heartbroken when she decided to live with him and years later she accused me of abandoning her..what? Never! Every time we tried counciling and the councilor agreed with me then I must have manipulated them. Then things would be ok for a while and without anything happening again revert back to when She was 13 ..And suddenly I was a horrible mother. I have been dealing with this for 21 years. I love my daughter with all my heart and know she needs help but I can't help her. I have always been there for her and ironically her father hasn't but crazy enough she makes it seem like he was father of the year! 3 weeks ago she started again saying she doesn't want to have a relationship with me because I don't respect boundaries and I am toxic ..I asked what boundary does she think I don't respect. She just says I don't want to talk to you . A week ago she told me to leave her alone and not to contact her again.  I haven't but it's really hard and really painful. I feel like she is emotionally blackmailing me by withholding my grandchildren. I have no idea what she is filling their heads with but my sister told me the 8 year old said she doesn't want to talk to gramma?? What the heck?? This situation is insane and makes me feel crazy. I have been crying so much. 

Heartsick

February 4, 2016
5:18 pm
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Carol
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If you are having difficulty because of estrangement, join our members at:

http://www.dailystrength.org/g.....scussions/

November 4, 2011
6:21 pm
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The mouirng mom
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Hi, sorry for what you’re going through. As Debby wisely said, you are always going to lose. Don’t feed the crocodile because at the end it will eat you. The only thing you can save here is yourself.
The most important person here is you, the happiness you pursue, is yours.
Let go and let God. The only thing we can control in life is ourselves. Adjust to your lose and move on.

February 26, 2011
2:03 pm
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em gomez
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Hello, my last post disappeared so I'm going to make this one short and see if it works. So sorry you are going thru such traumatic times. Yes, it is certainly traumatic!

you might check a great site : wisewomenunite.com

all the best to you

October 9, 2010
9:09 am
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Debby
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You cannot "chase" them, it doesn't work. As you said it best--it is a no win and no matter what you do, it is twisted against you. You just keep impaling yourself on your own sword. If the activity appears to "feed the frenzy"--then stop the activity.

shamysmom said:

My daughter's father and his current wife have been "psychologically" evaluating me and she has often been quoting them word for word. While my daughter continues to repeat their accusations of my "psychological disorders", she just had my first grandbaby and refuses to let me see either herself or her baby.

It is psychologically genius for the ex and his wife to do this because it puts me in a position where no matter what I do, even apologize with humility, it is seen as a character disorder. When I try to explain to my daughter how much I love her and want to have her in my life; that it is painful and I would do anything to work this all out, I am viewed as "manipulative" and narcisstic.

When I asked the ex for his support with our son's medical bills, his response was that I had an ulterior motive to ask for his share of the payment. It was to get him back for her estrangement. This makes me vindictive.

If she read this letter here, she would believe I was immersed in self pity with a sense of victimization.

Is anyone else experiencing this psychologically crippling situation that holds good parents hostage with emotional blackmail? Everything we do is "proof" of our disorder.

This daughter is my first. I had always thought that we were very close and I have tried endlessly to stay in touch but she demands that I leave her alone. I was a stay at home mom and her advocate for many years, 24/7.

Does anyone in here feel like they are living someone else's life because of this?

Yet, my relationship with my other children is very strong. Sometimes I feel as though it is stronger because of this one estrangement.

I don't know what to do. When I contact her, it is because I am a narcissist and have a false sense of entitlement. When I try to let go by doing as she wishes, I am said to be "borderline" and shifting between two extremes.

I have tried apologies, admitting my mistakes, notes to remind her that I love her and I will always be here, but the more I am not in her life, the more she avoids me. She has taken me aside and told me that she does not love me and that I am not a good person.

Counseling doesn't work. They just send me away because I have no "disorder" and I seem to be handling it in the only way anyone can. So I tried another counselor. In the eyes of my daughter and her father and his wife this, is indicative of my personality disorder because I have seen more than one counselor.

She refuses to go with me or schedule a mediator in any way.

My career as a teacher, the rest of my relationships with my children, a happy marriage that I established 6 years after my divorce, my relationship with my aging mother, and every other facet of my life tells me that I am not psychologically crippled.

But still, there is so much guilt and confusion. I have no choice but to let go, unless someone can give me something else to work with. The more she knows about me, the more they twist facts to validate their claims, no matter what it is. I can do no right. It's as if I have to leave her behind in order to not cause more damage.


September 25, 2010
9:11 am
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sottovoce
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If you are estranged you may want to join us at:

http://www.dailystrength.org/g.....iscussions

August 5, 2010
8:53 pm
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Carolyn
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Tom,

Maybe your Mother & Father abused you in life, but what you obviously don't understand is there is a large population of parents out there that were good parents with abusive children. You had abusive parents and I am sorry about that, but sometimes good parents have problemed children who marry partners that were emotionally abused by THEIR parents and they live vicariously through their problemed spouses and their parents. I have a daughter-in-law that is allot like Shamysmoms' daughter. No matter what I do or say she puts a spin on it where I look bad. It's obvious who really has the disorder. Everyone knows she grew up in a very unstable home. My son has some issues and she controls him completely. She works hard to make people think my son feels the way he does on his own without her influence but she is not fooling most. Smart people see right though her.
Yes, your statements are correct. I do think a shift in consciousness can occur for us abused parents. You begin to realize these adult children will never change. They difinitely have a personality disorder that will never bring love and peace into your life. The unconditional LOVE you once had for your child begins to slowly diminish. The big problem is they don't think there is anything wrong with them. They think it's just the parents. I can honestly say that we were not perfect parents, but better than most. I know we have made mistake's, but not the kind of mistakes the daughter-in-law wants my son to think we made.
I always wanted a loving son, but I didn't get one. I guess cutting my loses and letting him go like you say is what we should do. There is one thing I do know. What goes around comes around.
So I'm sending you the best of wishes Tom, because your time is coming.

August 5, 2010
7:23 pm
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Carolyn
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Tom said:

Shammy'smom:

There is a point where an abuser has made so many mistakes that their victims are unable to forgive them.

If you are telling the truth and are not in denial about your negative behaviors toward your daughter, then you still need to let go. I had to let go of my parents after many attempts to get along. I am no longer interested in reuniting. After trying and trying and seeing that they had not changed, and really do not want to change because they do not believe they have done anything wrong, decided to cut ties, forever. That includes not even going to their funerals, as my shrink advised.

Three psychiatrists diagnosed my parents with severe personality disorders, but they kept going to different psychiatrists until they found one that told them there was nothing wrong with them. That is what they wanted to here so they stay in treatment with him.

There is no desire in me to reunite with them at this point because their abuse is ongoing.

My mother gets along with one of my brother's and she holds this up as a shining example of her goodness as a parent, but the one brother who gets along with her is a user. He takes expensive gifts from her and never gives anything in return. My mother can not see this. He is her golden child, even though he is actually abusive toward her, in many subtle ways.

If your daughter is truly making up lies about you, as my mother did, then you are being abused by her and if you are being abused you need to let go because why would you want to remain in contact with her at all, at this point, if she is abusing you, as described? You would be best served by moving on.

Unfortunately, if you are telling the truth and your daughter is unfairly maligning you, you also need to let go of the thought of seeing your grandchildren. It is not possible for you to cut ties to your daughter and still reconnect in order to see your grandchildren.

I wish you luck in adjusting to your loss. I always wanted a mothering mother, but I did not get one. I had to realize that first before I could let go of her.

If it is any comfort to you, I can tell you that, based on my own experience, there is a time when there is a profound shift in consciousness. At that point a relationship with the abusive person is no longer desired. In fact, reconnecting with them may even cause a profound nausea.

If you get to that point, where the thought of interacting with the abuser makes you feel ill, then you will be able to heal and move on without a need to look back.

I am sending best wishes for you to understand your loss and adjust to it.


July 31, 2010
2:05 pm
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Tom
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Shammy'smom:

There is a point where an abuser has made so many mistakes that their victims are unable to forgive them.

If you are telling the truth and are not in denial about your negative behaviors toward your daughter, then you still need to let go. I had to let go of my parents after many attempts to get along. I am no longer interested in reuniting. After trying and trying and seeing that they had not changed, and really do not want to change because they do not believe they have done anything wrong, decided to cut ties, forever. That includes not even going to their funerals, as my shrink advised.

Three psychiatrists diagnosed my parents with severe personality disorders, but they kept going to different psychiatrists until they found one that told them there was nothing wrong with them. That is what they wanted to here so they stay in treatment with him.

There is no desire in me to reunite with them at this point because their abuse is ongoing.

My mother gets along with one of my brother's and she holds this up as a shining example of her goodness as a parent, but the one brother who gets along with her is a user. He takes expensive gifts from her and never gives anything in return. My mother can not see this. He is her golden child, even though he is actually abusive toward her, in many subtle ways.

If your daughter is truly making up lies about you, as my mother did, then you are being abused by her and if you are being abused you need to let go because why would you want to remain in contact with her at all, at this point, if she is abusing you, as described? You would be best served by moving on.

Unfortunately, if you are telling the truth and your daughter is unfairly maligning you, you also need to let go of the thought of seeing your grandchildren. It is not possible for you to cut ties to your daughter and still reconnect in order to see your grandchildren.

I wish you luck in adjusting to your loss. I always wanted a mothering mother, but I did not get one. I had to realize that first before I could let go of her.

If it is any comfort to you, I can tell you that, based on my own experience, there is a time when there is a profound shift in consciousness. At that point a relationship with the abusive person is no longer desired. In fact, reconnecting with them may even cause a profound nausea.

If you get to that point, where the thought of interacting with the abuser makes you feel ill, then you will be able to heal and move on without a need to look back.

I am sending best wishes for you to understand your loss and adjust to it.

July 26, 2010
7:48 pm
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shamysmom
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My daughter's father and his current wife have been "psychologically" evaluating me and she has often been quoting them word for word. While my daughter continues to repeat their accusations of my "psychological disorders", she just had my first grandbaby and refuses to let me see either herself or her baby.

It is psychologically genius for the ex and his wife to do this because it puts me in a position where no matter what I do, even apologize with humility, it is seen as a character disorder. When I try to explain to my daughter how much I love her and want to have her in my life; that it is painful and I would do anything to work this all out, I am viewed as "manipulative" and narcisstic.

When I asked the ex for his support with our son's medical bills, his response was that I had an ulterior motive to ask for his share of the payment. It was to get him back for her estrangement. This makes me vindictive.

If she read this letter here, she would believe I was immersed in self pity with a sense of victimization.

Is anyone else experiencing this psychologically crippling situation that holds good parents hostage with emotional blackmail? Everything we do is "proof" of our disorder.

This daughter is my first. I had always thought that we were very close and I have tried endlessly to stay in touch but she demands that I leave her alone. I was a stay at home mom and her advocate for many years, 24/7.

Does anyone in here feel like they are living someone else's life because of this?

Yet, my relationship with my other children is very strong. Sometimes I feel as though it is stronger because of this one estrangement.

I don't know what to do. When I contact her, it is because I am a narcissist and have a false sense of entitlement. When I try to let go by doing as she wishes, I am said to be "borderline" and shifting between two extremes.

I have tried apologies, admitting my mistakes, notes to remind her that I love her and I will always be here, but the more I am not in her life, the more she avoids me. She has taken me aside and told me that she does not love me and that I am not a good person.

Counseling doesn't work. They just send me away because I have no "disorder" and I seem to be handling it in the only way anyone can. So I tried another counselor. In the eyes of my daughter and her father and his wife this, is indicative of my personality disorder because I have seen more than one counselor.

She refuses to go with me or schedule a mediator in any way.

My career as a teacher, the rest of my relationships with my children, a happy marriage that I established 6 years after my divorce, my relationship with my aging mother, and every other facet of my life tells me that I am not psychologically crippled.

But still, there is so much guilt and confusion. I have no choice but to let go, unless someone can give me something else to work with. The more she knows about me, the more they twist facts to validate their claims, no matter what it is. I can do no right. It's as if I have to leave her behind in order to not cause more damage.

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