Forum

Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_Feed Topic RSS sp_TopicIcon
How do you miss something that never was?
February 14, 2018
8:16 am
Avatar
Fred
Guest
Guests

Good morning Bonnie:

Just because it's an old post, does not mean that your pain has dissipated. Sometimes time only intensifies the problems that we haven't conquered.  However, you have tried and what more can you do?  Young folks shy away from counseling. Sometimes they enjoy the power that control brings to them. Sometimes they are just confused. A large percentage of the posts on this forum proves that our adult children still loves us. Perhaps one short final letter to present amends might help. Then you profess that you will wait, and will always love them. Profess that you miss your grandchildren, then pray Bonnie. Let her miss you. Enjoy your life and languish in the aura that you did your best. When my son was mistreating me, I released the reigns. I gave him time to figure out how to be a respectable son. I did not negotiate respect with him. The only idea that worked was me telling him, ENOUGH!  He became a better person when I stopped being abused emotionally from him. It wasn't a quick fix but it worked!   Live your life Bonnie. God will pull you through this temporary pain.  And remember that our children do not change, until we decide to be different than the parents that they still love, and once needed.

February 8, 2018
4:00 pm
Avatar
Bonnie
Guest
Guests

I know this is an old post but was wondering if you are still estranged and also want to know how you are doing.  I feel for you I have been estranged from my daughter and my grandchildren for 4 years and it still hurts so much.  I see little hope when I seem to be the only one that is trying. 

I will never understand anyone that can abandoned their own Mother.  This happened at the same time as my own Mother passing away.  I am sure it has something to do with my daughter being a trustee with my step father to my Mother's trust.  I kinda hope it is about money rather than she just hates me.

I feel so cheated; missing out on knowing my Grandchildren.  What have I done that would justify me not being allowed to see my Grandchildren.

I don't know what to tell people when asked about my children and grandchildren.  I figure that people must think I must have done something really bad if they don't want me in their life.  My fear is I will die and she won't know or care.  I can't fix something if I don't know what is wrong.  I have offered to pay for counseling but she isn't willing.  This hasn't taken a toll on my life and I feel so lost.

I hope that everything worked out for you and you have your family back.  God bless.

Bonnie

July 29, 2016
2:08 pm
Avatar
onestepatatime
Guest
Guests

Granna, I am thinking something very strange is going on at your son and DIL house. Are they using drugs? Abusing alcohol? They way they lied to you and would not look you in the eyes. One thing that truly helps is to not do FB, it hurts over and over to see what our estranged adult children are doing. And they put  things up there just to hurt us sometimes. Like how loving other grandma is with new baby - just look! isn't that cute! - they know you are looking so they write stuff. I usually agree with Fred but this time, I am going to disagree. Take some time before writing a heartfelt letter. I don't think they care about your feelings anyway. Try to figure out why they don't care, were hurtful things said by you, or is something bad is going on, drugs, alcohol, physical abuse???? Or just mental health issues? Good parents raise children who turn out to be bad people and bad parents raise kids who turn out to be good people. 

 

Now we don't know their side of the story, but if it is like you say and just out of the blue they changed and cut you off, well, it doesn't add up. The anger that son displayed when you said look me in the eyes is odd, very odd. People who are abusing substances or lying or both don't look people in the eyes. If you have been mean to them, angry and judgemental or critical, put yourself first always, then maybe a forgive me letter would help. If you have been just a good loving parent who always put your children's needs first, then I go with something wrong with these AC. And I am sorry, if its the latter, its a hard, painful road when our AC are living bad lives. You are not alone, though. Lots of us estranged parents in this world. And yes, we have to make a happy life somehow and move forward. Enjoy what we have been given rather than living in the sorrow of what has not been given.

July 29, 2016
12:27 pm
Avatar
Fred
Guest
Guests

Awww, Granna, that's a sad story. Over five years with a grandchild is hard to let go.  Something is going on and it kinda sounds like they may be to ashamed to own it. Lord  what do you do?  Sure doesn't sound like you want to let go. 

Honestly, your first post was very strong and heartfelt.  Maybe you could use that post and address it to your son and daughter in-law.  If they have told you not to send gifts or come to their home  I would honor that.  Perhaps  you could send an email, NOT FACEBOOK and maybe an e-card welcoming your new grandchild to the world.  And just pray and wait. What else can you do? Maybe that will soften their confused hearts. Let them know that you will wait.  Sometimes we have no choice, we have to respect their wishes and just wait for our kids to figure their confused lives out.  Your grandson is already missing you, and may become your strongest ally.

July 29, 2016
8:01 am
Avatar
Granna
Guest
Guests

A year ago April my son had a mental breakdown and crisis. He and his wife needed to work on them, neither trusted the other with their son, so we offered to have our grandson stay with us to keep him from being further exposed to adult things no 5 year old should have to be in the middle of. 

Ten days later, after witnessing affects in my son that I had never seen before, my son and daughter-in-law came over after they had picked up their son at school and taken him to her parents. My daughter-in-law did the talking, said she had been wrong, that it was all her fault and she was seeking help. Grandson was safe with my son, they were better, etc. The entire time my son refused to make eye contact, refused to say a word. I made the mistake of calmly asking why neither of them could look us in the face if everything was ok, and my son exploded in anger. Shouted that he couldn't stand looking at me, the sound of my voice, that I was trying to turn him into his father (my ex-husband), that he wanted nothing to do with me, etc. I held back the sobs as I gathered my grandsons things, handed them to my husband to give to my son, and that's the last time I saw him. April 2015.

I would get text messages from daughter-in-law in-frequently, and finally in late July 2015, she brought our grandson over for a 30 minute visit-told us she was divorcing our son, wasn't safe, and said we could come over to her parents home to see him any time. 

Over the next several months, after delivering gifts to their front porch like some kind of fairy godmother, I would text to check in on them. She would reply that she and my son were great, was going very well, effusive, even, in her comments on the two of them. When I would ask about my grandson, I received one word responses. When I asked to see my grandson, no response. 

I found out on FB that she was expecting only about 2 months ago, and then my sister congratulated me on the new grandson that she saw on FB. I've received no calls, no texts; in fact, last May when I texted to tell my son we would be dropping off my grandsons birthday gifts, I was informed that I, my husband, or anyone attempting to do so would be considered trespassing-even his two younger brothers. 

I've been completely cut out of my son and daughter-in-laws lives, and have been removed from my relationship with my grandson and banned from beginning a relationship with my new grandson. Am I still Granna when I am not allowed to have any contact with my grandsons?

That's my story in a nutshell. Beginning to realize that I have to find a way to move on with my life without feeling as though I am abandoning my child, his wife, and my grandsons. 

Nothing prepares you for this-nothing. 

July 29, 2016
12:29 am
Avatar
Fred
Guest
Guests

Hello Granna:

I'm wide awake, still basking in that inspirational speech from Hillary.  What happened between you and your son?  Sounds too painful for you to speak on.

Why does love have to hurt?

July 28, 2016
2:29 pm
Avatar
Granna
Guest
Guests

 My estranged son and his wife had their second son last Monday. I found out via a relative who saw the wonderful news online and congratulated me. I've missed out on my oldest grandsons last two birthdays because my son cut me out of his life. I've missed out on kindergarten graduation, losing his first teeth, so very much. I've missed out on my son and daughter-in-laws anniversaries, their anticipation waiting for this new addition to their family, so very much. 

Those missed birthdays are gone-never to be revisited. 

The kindergarten graduation is over, the pictures have been put into books. Pictures I'm not allowed to see.

The new grandson photos have been taken, and the baby book begun, but we will never have the pictures, Granddad and Granna, with our newest grandson. That moment is over. 

And because those moments are over, those moments have passed by, there are no memories on which to hold when I am struck with the devastating sadness over the estrangement with my son and his family.

Nothing to remember these wonderful moments except regrets for moments lost, over which I had no control.

How do you miss something that never was? How can you long for the life you were not able, not allowed to live?

Yet that is precisely where I exist, these long 15 months of estrangement, on the days I can't put on the "I'm fine" blinders and go about my life like there isn't a giant chasm where my heart used to be.

I exist on the razor thin line between what is and what should have been. 

Forum Timezone: America/Los_Angeles

Most Users Ever Online: 887

Currently Online:
15 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 1319

Members: 4

Moderators: 0

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 1

Forums: 8

Topics: 1230

Posts: 7036