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Ex-Son-In-Law Narcissist Negatively Controls Visits
January 13, 2018
7:41 am
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onestepatatime
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Its a hard situation you are in but you can't ever assume again this man is going to be nice or reasonable or even helpful to you. Good for you for standing up to this bully, just know he is a bully and his goal is to win, whatever win means to him. He is not nice. He won't change but you can change how you act and think regarding him. You do have choices, for example, don't buy the kids nice clothes or more clothes, you can just wash a lot or go to a thrift store for used clothes. Maybe go to the thrift store a week ahead and purchase a few things in their sizes. You don't have to get them a haircut, just don't do it or cut their hair yourself. At some point you have to decide what is best for you. Or go ahead and purchase clothes and haircuts knowing this will happen and budget for the expense, just don't get mad about it, this is how this man is. The grandchildren need you it sounds like so you might decide to suck it up and appease the bully just to see the grandchildren but you don't have to purchase nice or expensive clothes or do haircuts for them unless you decide to. Not as someone being pushed around but as someone choosing to play the game for now. Don't allow him to bully you. Daughter can go to court and get her custody changed and let the court dictate she gets more visitation, of course that costs money for the attorney. Everyone is controlled by this man and counseling can be very helpful to you and your husband in learning to stand up to him, recognize his tactics, and decide how you want to handle his behavior going forward. You won't ever change him, you can only change how you think about dealing with him. Know he is not ever giving favors for anyone or ever doing the "right" thing that you think he should. Some people decide they won't be bullied anymore and if not seeing the grandchildren is the "punishment" they decide to live with that punishment. Others continue to appease the bully in hopes that eventually the grandkids will be old enough to have a relationship without the parent involved. 

January 4, 2018
8:13 pm
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Fred
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Good evening Gem:

Listen to your words, " a unecessary battle." Your win is your daughter and your grandchildren. People bully and be mean because they can. My daughter in laws, send my grandchildren in faded, old clothes. Who cares? I buy and send back all the clothes I want them to look good in. I agree with your daughter. You know his game, don't play it with him. My mama you to say, "if you don't play the game it turns into solitaire." Please you, your daughter, and her children.

January 3, 2018
2:09 am
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GEM
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Hi, I am, at the moment, having a disturbing, unnecessary battle with my ex-son-in-law concerning an upcoming 10-day visit with my 3 grandchildren, while he and his new girlfriend go to Sweden.  My daughter is disabled, so he has custody.  The kids love visiting (we live a state away).  My husband and I are so happy when they come.  When we get the grand children, it is always to benefit their dad.  During this visit, my husband and I wanted to break it up a couple days and take the kids to a hotel with a fun indoor water park.  I was going to make a reservation for their disabled mom on Amtrak to the city we are going to.  We were then all going to drive back to our home.  When the kids go back, we meet their dad halfway.  I politely asked him to take my daughter back with he and the kids (to save time, money, and stress).  He says definitely not - he is not her transporter.  It is the only favor I asked him.  He allows her to see the kids every other week for about 2 hours.  They all go to a restaurant and he makes my daughter pay for the meals.  He orders the most expensive item on the menu.  Now, he is saying, because of our request to let my daughter in the car, the boys will disappointed and maybe we can see them this summer.  I know he is blaming the visit cancellation on us and the grand children will be devastated.  He is punishing us for asking a small favor for taking the kids 10 days, so he can have a nice trip to Sweden (which we are happy he can take).  I usually give in to him, but this time I stuck to my guns and said that if he couldn't do this for us, it will be his decision that the grand kids don't come.  He is not allowing us to speak to the kids or answering his phone.  He is acting like a 32-year-old child.  He brings the kids to us without haircuts, not enough, or the right clothing and tells us they need a haircut.  It is very disturbing - what to do??  My daughter says to give in to him and now she is not happy with us?????

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