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Narcissistic Family Dynamic
March 3, 2015
5:35 pm
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Hope for you
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Is there anyone else you could go live with? Grandma, an aunt, a good friend's parents?  If it is that bad, perhaps moving out now.  Just something to think about.  And remember, if you change your response or reaction, the situation changes.  Mom will continue to push to make you angry but you don't have to react to her.  When the crap starts, immediately walk out of the house or go into the bathroom and lock the door and let it calm down.  Do not engage her even when she does the things that get you crazy angry. Go for a walk.  And your dad is caught up in the manipulation and does not see how she is, he is too busy trying to keep it all calm and her happy. That is why he gets so mad. If everyone would just tap dance right, mom won't go nuts and dad will have a better life -- this is how he thinks and has been conditioned to react to.  (It is not truth, she wants the control and attention.) Does she or your dad drink or use drugs? Al Anon family groups will help you understand that disease if this is the case and how to focus on yourself and control your reactions. Do you pray? Ask God to give you wisdom and strength to deal with growing up.  Wisdom and strength. Some day you are going to help other people, I just know it. Blessing to you.

March 3, 2015
5:24 pm
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F, be careful, be safe.  I am sorry and I am sending you lots of love and good vibes and hopefully some hope. Sometimes one has to move out and move on to get away from the crap. My husband's family is definitely a narcissistic family and the parents are still doing this nonsense at 85.  Be strong and spend the next years learning how to take care of yourself. Work two jobs and go to school if you have to to support yourself. Make good decisions and stay away from drugs, alcohol and casual sex (they may feel good temporarily but they often bring real pain later).  This is your time to grow up and make yourself a contented and healthy life. My husband is now staying away from his family as much as possible. The parents live 1 mile away but we have not seen them in 6 weeks! I  am boycotting family gatherings since his mom was high on codeine at her AA birthday marking 25 years sober.  But they don't know we are avoiding them, we just smile and nod and ask how they are doing and stay out of the crap pool as best we can. Learn as much as you can about the narcissistic family and read Dr. Phil's book Life Code. Take the next five years to improve yourself emotionally, get counseling, read one self help book a month, etc. You can do this. I did (my folks died last year).  Not easy but you will be glad you improved your own self when you hit 50, rather than being still tied emotionally to a crazy parent. You are strong and wise to have written what you did.  Hang in there, life will get better!

March 2, 2015
1:23 pm
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LH
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F. said
Is there anyone out there reading this forum right now? I don't even know where to start. A few weeks ago me and my sister found out that we have been mentally abused most of our lives by our narcistic mother. We believe she has NPD. That is due to the fact that she has been in therapy years ago (yes i remember going with her when i was just a small child), she had times where she walked out of the door screaming she would commit suicide, but never attempted. She just wanted attention. Then she always undermines everyone. Knowone is good in her eyes, not even the people that live in out street. My sister has always been someone with less confidence and she was always the black sheep. But things have changed. A month ago things exploded for the 50th time and since then i go No Contact with her.. At leas I am trying. She tries to win my attention, however i try to ignore her and sometimes she makes my blood boil that I snare at her. Makes things worse I know. She makes our lives a hell. She smeares and gets my dad involved. He actually abbused my sister a few times and i got a nice blue souvenir on my arm and a painful breastcage from the other day. I don't know how i can handle this. There is a nice view ahead of me. I will move out in 5 months from now, to go and study. There are so many stories to tel. I don't where i could start. Is there anyone out there i could share my experiences with and could provide me tips? I still live with them.. And it's hard...

I'm so sorry. Please stay safe.

This forum is a great place to go for support and practical advice: http://www.reddit.com/r/raised.....rcissists/ A lot of the members are or were still living with their narcissistic parents, so they know what you're going through.

March 2, 2015
12:14 pm
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F.
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Is there anyone out there reading this forum right now? I don't even know where to start. A few weeks ago me and my sister found out that we have been mentally abused most of our lives by our narcistic mother. We believe she has NPD. That is due to the fact that she has been in therapy years ago (yes i remember going with her when i was just a small child), she had times where she walked out of the door screaming she would commit suicide, but never attempted. She just wanted attention. Then she always undermines everyone. Knowone is good in her eyes, not even the people that live in out street. My sister has always been someone with less confidence and she was always the black sheep. But things have changed. A month ago things exploded for the 50th time and since then i go No Contact with her.. At leas I am trying. She tries to win my attention, however i try to ignore her and sometimes she makes my blood boil that I snare at her. Makes things worse I know. She makes our lives a hell. She smeares and gets my dad involved. He actually abbused my sister a few times and i got a nice blue souvenir on my arm and a painful breastcage from the other day. I don't know how i can handle this. There is a nice view ahead of me. I will move out in 5 months from now, to go and study. There are so many stories to tel. I don't where i could start. Is there anyone out there i could share my experiences with and could provide me tips? I still live with them.. And it's hard...

January 22, 2015
9:14 pm
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RSM
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Sacha said
Research Narcissist Family Dynamics - determine whether you were the scapegoat child or the golden child and then figure out the role that everyone in your family played.  This is how I discovered why my daughter cut me out of her life (temporarily) ...I had been raised by two narcissistic parents who had six children, I was one of the scapegoat children (there can be more than one) and although I am not a narcissist, I picked up narcissistic traits from my parents - just as any child picks up \"habits\" of their parents.  I can now see that I made some mistakes with my daughter...but I honestly didn't understand her anger initially.  And I got really mad at her for making such cruel accusations towards me when I was literally clueless as to what I had done wrong except be the best parent I knew how to be.   I did so much research looking for answers as to her utter hatred of me...and came across this site, as well as discovering articles about Narcissistic Family Dynamics.  My God,,,my entire life starting making sense.   My mother, father and several of my siblings were narcissists.  Both of my brothers have wives who are completely cut off from their families...I had never looked at it that way,,,until I realized that my one and only child, who I raised alone, was now in a relationship with a toxic narcissist.  His mother and brother were toxic as well.  Narcissists do not understand the art of compromise....its their way or no way.  My daughter could not understand why I thought it was unfair that every single holiday she had an excuse as to why it had to be with his family.  Long story short, after much patience and consistency in pointing out behaviors, my daughter and I have re-established our mother daughter relationship and she had admitted that she can see how my mother has treated me my entire life (which I thought was normal) and which is how I, in turn, raised my daughter.  We are slowly mending things.  When I tried to talk to my own mother about things she does that make me feel like crap, she started yelling and screaming (like she has done my entire 50 years on this earth) and told me I was crazy.  She doesn't care about her relationship with me (I guess I am replaceable since she has other children)...but whether I had one child or ten, I would care whether one of my children no longer wanted to speak to me or include me in their lives...and I would do everything in my power to correct it.  The very nature of a narcissist does not allow them to see anything or anyone beyond themselves.  I am 100% certain that most of the issues on this forum stem from situations where there is narcissism involved....on either the child's part or the parent's part...or both.  But always remember that it takes TWO people to have a good relationship....not one acting as though the other should be thankful to be in their perimeter.  I hope everyone reading these forums can be honest enough with themselves to know what role they are playing in the relationship and whether there is any room for improvement.

Wow!! Well said...

August 11, 2014
9:22 am
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RK
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I hope that my post will be welcomed as I'm the wife of and estranged adult child. I've been searching forums like this in order to help my husband and to make sure that our children are not caught up in a cycle of events.

My husband became estranged from his parents over 3 years ago after he disagreed with a decision his father had made (for the first time) with regard to his grandmother's care. Over the following year my husband tried to reconcile with his family but each time they said something more hurtful to him and began to blame me until the original subject of the estrangement became lost and in their eyes I had engineered the whole situation. In their words I "had this evil plan all along" and had "brainwashed" their son.

Both my inlaws seem to show narcissistic features. All their family and friends think they are lovely people so have stopped speaking to my husband. This doesn't bother him as we no longer live near them but my parents have become involved after my father in law grabbed my mother and verbally assaulted her whilst she was shopping in our hometown. They have created a fantasy story which makes themselves the victims and my family to be all that is wrong. They seem to have told so many people this that they believe their own lies and even repeated their story to my husband in their last phone call.

June 4, 2014
2:35 pm
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LH
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Sacha said
And, how quickly you forget that a month or so ago you were praising one of the comments that I made.

Yes, that comment wasn't dripping with sweet, wingnutty goodness.

Be a good troll and shamble off.

June 4, 2014
1:48 pm
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Kelly
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Ah, so your motivation for asking me to repeat painful incidents from my past is so that you could call me a liar and tell me it was my own fault.

Well, I'm very glad I chose not to play that vile, disgusting game with you.

So, let's review. From your posts on here you've made it clear that you think abused children are liars, bisexual people are perverts and you refuse to respect the religious beliefs of anyone who is not the same religion as you.

I can't bring myself to care about your judgment of me because you're obviously not a good person. :)

June 4, 2014
11:21 am
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Sacha
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LH,

I am not trying to gain insight.   l know what the problem is.  TRUTH.  We are living in a time where lies have taken over.  Truth is sometimes hard to hear and society encourages everyone to be a victim.  I did have issues with my daughter when she was a teenager...that has been resolved.  I am trying to help others on here.  And, how quickly you forget that a month or so ago you were praising one of the comments that I made.  So, grow up and stop contributing to the problem...you are not helping others by going along with "stories" where 1) you have no way of verifying the truth and 2) you are only hearing one side. TRUTH has no agenda and, unfortunately, some people let their anger overpower their common sense and honesty about simple facts. 

So, for anyone who may be possibly reading this post, whether parent or child, and is having problems in any relationship, whether with a parent, child or friend, please take a deep breath and ask yourself the following question:   Do I believe this person is hurting me by their words or actions?  If yes, then ask yourself whether you truly believe this person is even aware of the effects or consequences that their actions are having on you?  Misunderstandings can almost always be worked out with open, honest communication, unless you are dealing with a narcissist.  If that is the case, I suggest that you exercise strong boundaries.  Good luck everyone and if you are not already trying this, please use the "do unto others" rule and treat people the way you would like to be treated.  Do a kindness for a stranger;  help others whenever  possible.  And always try to get the "lesson" when things don't go the way you would like them to.  There is usually a reason.

June 3, 2014
11:18 am
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LH
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Kelly said

Sacha said
Kelly,

Could you elaborate further on the abuse you experienced at the hands of your mother and father?

No. I'm tired of being asked to repeat it to make other people feel better about their own lives and choices. 

Amen.

Sacha, reading this forum will not help you understand why your children are estranged from you. Please go reread the letters they sent you. There's far more insight there than you'll ever get from replies to the kinds of posts you've made so far.

June 3, 2014
7:02 am
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Kelly
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Sacha said
Kelly,

Could you elaborate further on the abuse you experienced at the hands of your mother and father?

No. I'm tired of being asked to repeat it to make other people feel better about their own lives and choices. 

June 2, 2014
8:28 am
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Sacha
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Kelly,

Could you elaborate further on the abuse you experienced at the hands of your mother and father?

May 28, 2014
6:33 am
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Kelly
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Susie said
I am horrified at the number of adult children who decide that their parent, usually their mother, is narcissistic. Those of us who were raised in the 60's and 70's had no choice but to do everything we could to 'survive'. The stay-at-home mom is pretty much non-existent for anyone in the middle class segment if that even exists anymore. If mom is fortunate enough to be successful at a career and driven to give her kids something better, she is now self-centered and controlling instead of empathetic and nurturing. Of course, hand in hand with those characteristics are the emotional abuse bestowed on the children because the parents have disciplined them.

 

This is not a cop-out, it is admission that all of us have made plenty of mistakes in parenting, perhaps so many that they are unforgivable. The heartache for the parent is not knowing. And that is the way it will end.

 

 

 

I'm horrified at the number of parents who abuse their children and then demand that those same children love and respect them as adults.

Screw that. If you want to keep an abuser in your life, you're more than welcome to do so. I value myself more than that. I do not deserve to be treated like dirt because I was born. Thanks but no thanks. Step off with that nonsense.

Would you like to know why I think my mother is a narcissist? It's not because she had a job or because she was born in the 50s. It's because she literally cannot understand that her father is my grandfather. Yes, you read that right. She cannot comprehend that I have a relationship that she is not a part of. She cannot see my father as my father. He is only her husband. Everything in her life is me, me, me, mine, mine, mine. She is exactly like that Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland. It is bizarre and frightening. 

In our last conversation, she told me that I needed to be grateful to her for all the things I had done for her. That's not a typo. That's actually what she said to me. Her exact words, "All the things you have done for me, all the things you have done to help me, and you are not grateful to me for that?"

I'm not a professional so maybe she isn't a narcissist but something is very, very wrong with her. That should obvious to anyone. And I haven't even touched on all the physical and emotional abuse she put me through. The movie Mommie Dearest looks like a happy, feel good movie when compared to her insane behavior.

So, maybe next time you feel the need to judge other people's situations when you know absolutely nothing about them you should just sit on your hands instead. :)

May 1, 2014
3:23 pm
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LH
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Susie, no one comes to believe their mother is narcissistic on such flimsy grounds. Before you criticize others, learn what they're talking about:

http://outofthefog.net/

http://www.daughtersofnarcissi.....thers.com/

April 30, 2014
5:20 pm
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Susie
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I am horrified at the number of adult children who decide that their parent, usually their mother, is narcissistic. Those of us who were raised in the 60's and 70's had no choice but to do everything we could to 'survive'. The stay-at-home mom is pretty much non-existent for anyone in the middle class segment if that even exists anymore. If mom is fortunate enough to be successful at a career and driven to give her kids something better, she is now self-centered and controlling instead of empathetic and nurturing. Of course, hand in hand with those characteristics are the emotional abuse bestowed on the children because the parents have disciplined them.

 

This is not a cop-out, it is admission that all of us have made plenty of mistakes in parenting, perhaps so many that they are unforgivable. The heartache for the parent is not knowing. And that is the way it will end.

 

 

 

March 18, 2014
11:14 am
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LH
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Sacha, your story is amazing. When you come from a dysfunctional family, it's easy to think, "I treat people better than my parents did, therefore I'm okay." It's SO hard to turn the magnifying glass back on yourself and realize that even though you're healthier than your parents, you're still not well.

Most people think acknowledging your own wrongs makes you weak, that somehow, magically, flaws don't exist unless you admit they're there. I say it makes you stronger. Thank you for being strong--for your daughter, and for yourself.

I hope you and your daughter continue to become closer and closer. They say it takes three generations to break the chain of abuse--congratulations on being the first, and hardest, two links.

 

I agree with you about the role of narcissism in estrangement. In other forums, former members come back every so often and say, "I've reconciled with my child, and the breakthrough came when I really looked at my role in the estrangement." The other members unanimously say, "That's fine for you, but I did nothing wrong except love my child too much." Then the thread turns into a litany of all the wrongs their kids did to them. The former member goes away shaking their head, the current members go on doing what they're doing, and they're all there a year later, still estranged.

Sometimes the problem really is with the adult child, and in that case, there's nothing the parents can do, because you can't change another person. But if the estrangement is fixable, then fixing it starts with taking an unflinching look at yourself.

March 13, 2014
6:26 pm
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Sacha
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Research Narcissist Family Dynamics - determine whether you were the scapegoat child or the golden child and then figure out the role that everyone in your family played.  This is how I discovered why my daughter cut me out of her life (temporarily) ...I had been raised by two narcissistic parents who had six children, I was one of the scapegoat children (there can be more than one) and although I am not a narcissist, I picked up narcissistic traits from my parents - just as any child picks up \"habits\" of their parents.  I can now see that I made some mistakes with my daughter...but I honestly didn't understand her anger initially.  And I got really mad at her for making such cruel accusations towards me when I was literally clueless as to what I had done wrong except be the best parent I knew how to be.   I did so much research looking for answers as to her utter hatred of me...and came across this site, as well as discovering articles about Narcissistic Family Dynamics.  My God,,,my entire life starting making sense.   My mother, father and several of my siblings were narcissists.  Both of my brothers have wives who are completely cut off from their families...I had never looked at it that way,,,until I realized that my one and only child, who I raised alone, was now in a relationship with a toxic narcissist.  His mother and brother were toxic as well.  Narcissists do not understand the art of compromise....its their way or no way.  My daughter could not understand why I thought it was unfair that every single holiday she had an excuse as to why it had to be with his family.  Long story short, after much patience and consistency in pointing out behaviors, my daughter and I have re-established our mother daughter relationship and she had admitted that she can see how my mother has treated me my entire life (which I thought was normal) and which is how I, in turn, raised my daughter.  We are slowly mending things.  When I tried to talk to my own mother about things she does that make me feel like crap, she started yelling and screaming (like she has done my entire 50 years on this earth) and told me I was crazy.  She doesn't care about her relationship with me (I guess I am replaceable since she has other children)...but whether I had one child or ten, I would care whether one of my children no longer wanted to speak to me or include me in their lives...and I would do everything in my power to correct it.  The very nature of a narcissist does not allow them to see anything or anyone beyond themselves.  I am 100% certain that most of the issues on this forum stem from situations where there is narcissism involved....on either the child's part or the parent's part...or both.  But always remember that it takes TWO people to have a good relationship....not one acting as though the other should be thankful to be in their perimeter.  I hope everyone reading these forums can be honest enough with themselves to know what role they are playing in the relationship and whether there is any room for improvement.

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