My relationship with my mother has always been unhealthy for me. My father supports my mother 100%. I have had little contact with my mother, and so my father, at my choice in the past 5 years, and after tonight's conversation, when I decided to answer the phone to her call, I could see why.
My mother, who I have called mother since I was at least 10 years of age, tells me to tell me the same old same old. Except this time it said my eldest nephew acknowledge her favoritism over my autistic nephew, she says how couldn't you, his got a hard life, (all ways the hard life, but this time my nephew who every time I have seen him, his so happy). I see my eldest nephew just wishes he had her attention like the other, but he'll never get it. Fact is, that's just who my mother is. My brother got anything he wanted growing up, and still at 38 does. I recall I got a barbie doll and a pair shoes while my brother got a motor bike which was really expensive back in the day. I got a dog which I loved for 11 years for my birthday who was my best friend growing up, and as my brother saw that I had a dog, and my relationship with my dog, he wanted one, so my father gave him for no reason a grey hound which he sold for a lot of money and brought himself a horse and saddle etc. That's just little things, i guess I am lucky they even gave me something to love like I did my dog, I wished I could run away but I stayed as I couldn't figure out how to get my dog out of their.
Tonight, as my mother is talking, she is telling me as usual, how she has to get her will sorted, and how she is selling the block of land next to me, the block I own half of. My mother than went on to say how she is going to make sure the rest is in my name, it's sad in such a manner that she has concluded in her head that I don't even really own the share I paid for. I brought 1/2 share of 3 blocks of land 12 years ago. My mother tells me she is giving me those blocks, as though I don't even own any of it, and by those blocks she means 1/2 of one block. I have heard this same conversation for so many years before I stopped speaking to them. I stopped speaking when they accused me for the defacto's suicide urges after he was on drugs and alcohol. I was blamed being told it's me who is driving him to suicide. That was enough for me, oh but later on they went on to telling my defacto that I am "bi-polo". wow, that was not said in front of me, but that was what the defacto brings up at me, along with, "you don't even own this land". Hence I can't stand him, I sleep inside and he sleeps in a shed I brought. I wish he'd just go, but I am over arguing with him as it wasn't getting me anywhere. I guess there are stages I need to go though before I am ready to "SELL" and move where neither of them can find me.
As my mother continues to speak to me on the phone, she tells me how she is leaving their home to my brother and his boys. Nothing knew, I have been told this exact story for so many years. I just told her to do what she likes. I really didn't want to hear anymore of it. None of it is fair. I get a property she spent $7,000 on, which I will have to pay $80,000 to $150,000 according to the letter from council for infrastructure if I want to keep it, and my brother and his 3 kids 5,6 and 13, get the house, with 20 acres, the tractor, the barn, the stables, etc., etc., all whilst he can't help himself but get on drugs and cause drama and he is the one who has bipolar and is on anti psychotic drugs, robbed petrol station after injecting ice..... But its all good, they keep giving him their cars to drive, and his attitude hasn't changed, if something goes wrong, he will do as he has done before and destroy it, thinking they are better off than simply ringing a tow truck to get it picked up if it needs repair.
My entire childhood was all about my brother, he got taken to all the sports, while I wasn't allowed. He got designer labels as he wouldn't wear anything else, while I wasn't allowed clothing. I wore a tracksuit and I was ever so grateful when my two older female cousins would hand me down their clothing, they always dressed in beautiful new clothing. I recall one summer my mother took me to Manly Beach in ribbed stockings and a hand me down from my aunty which was a long sleeve dress with the embroidery at the top in a brown with cream. I was so hot and embarrassed, but apparently I wasn't allowed to show my legs as I had picked at myself. "I wonder why"! He was taken to all these sports and I was left out, because it was more important that my brother not turn out a drug addict then it was me. So what did they get, they got a drug addict son, that up until last week, they had no idea that is why he went to jail. I left out the needle injecting bit.
I have struggled with fertility issues of my own for 17 several years, with no Fallopian tubes the only way I can have a baby is IVF, but the implantation I have struggled with, and thus no children yet. They say, that fertility can be a fear of being like one's mother. I NEVER want to be anything like her.
I wasn't feeling very good before my mother rang, but I thought, I'll answer her regardless, than as she told me the same story of how she is basically leaving me out of the Will and giving everything to the boys and my brother...oh and selling the block of land I am actually living on, she wants me to feel good. So, as I say do what ever, my mother tells me "your cranky", I say nothing as I really didn't even want to be listening to this anymore, she goes "your always a cranky girl". I just thought, why did I answer the phone.....and I said "good bye mother" and hung up.
If my mother is not going to treat me equally in her will, than I don't want anything from her. When I finally get pregnant and have babies, I will not be sharing this with her, she didnt' want to be part of my life for the last 20 odd years, I don't need her part of my babies life. I have had enough. I just want to sell what I have and move to another country where I find a beautiful man, who has a lovely family and I become his wife.. and love his mum as though she was mine. As I have never had a mother that I wanted before. Than I think, there is this volunteer service, where you can see an old person and become part of their life one a fortnightly basis, well, when I have my kids, I want a mother figure to be there, and I want her to be part of my life, as though she was my mum, and my kids will be her grand kids. I just want to share cooking with her, and sewing, and gardening, and have her part of my life. I guess I want her to have no children. I don't care if she doesn't have a husband, as my father was never there for me, he was just an expansion of my mother, so I guess in a way, I want my new mum to be single. The thought of this makes me happy.
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