I just discovered this site and see your post is pretty old so you may not see my response but here it is. I know exactly how you feel. I cut ties with my mother in Jan of this year, it just became too much dealing with her attitude and controlling ways. There is only my brother and myself but I was always the one there for her but yet if my brother makes a call at midnight for 1 minute it was the best thing since sliced bread.
Anyway I had been holding it all in for a long time and it just came to a head in January. I am at peace with it but like you I have kids 19 & 9 who adore her and was use to seeing her every weekend because I would take her to the store, etc...
When I decided to cut ties I went as far as to move 2 hrs away to another state. I felt free as I always held back on plans because I felt like I had to take her into consideration and because between my brother and I everything fell on me I felt I couldn't move away.
When we moved in the beginning my kids would always ask when are we going to see grandma? I felt she was texting my son and communicating with him via facebook asking when are they coming over to get them to ask me. She continues to send them gifts and money and calls/texts them but we have not seen her in 10 months.
My husband is extremely supportive and pretty much follows my lead. If I don't bring it up neither does he. We try our best to have the kids involved in activities and have a closer relationship to my husbands family who lives 5 hrs away.
I have felt guilty because I don't want my kids growing up without family but I just couldn't take it anymore. I make it a point to never talk bad about my mother to them as I feel my issue with her and is between us. She has never mistreated my kids so I don't want to taint their thoughts/love for her because of my relationship.
Right now I feel it would not benefit my family to see her. I just feel if my husband take the kids to her house she will try and manipulate him and if I drop them off she would be trying to have a heart to heart and play victim and I don't want or need that drama. So for now my husband and I do not mention my mother or brother at all. My kids seem to do fine until my mother calls/texts or send a gift.
I am comfortable with my decision to sever all ties with my mother. She suffers with bi-polar and PTSD and alcoholism. She has always struggled but I refuse to be taken down with her. Following her 13th suicide attempt I decided this time as far as I'm concerned she finally succeeded. I have been entangled in her struggle for 47 years and enough is enough.
I was estranged from my father due in no small part to a misguided attempt at loyalty to her. He also struggled with depression and alcoholism before succumbing to it at 58 years old. I understand what a life altering decision is and of the repercussions, I have not made the decision to estrange my mother lightly.
I feel in order to end this horrible cycle I have to end all ties. The problem is I have 3 children ages 19, 17 & 13. I don't know how to address this subject with them. My oldest two have some idea of our struggles and no doubt so does my youngest son but nothing has been addressed directly. I'm afraid of handling this wrong. We have always had special occasions/family gatherings at my home and I don't know what to say about my Mums absence this Easter. I don't want to interfere with their relationship in any way other than to keep their Mother (me) mentally healthy and happy.
I am married and my husband supports my decision but like me is unsure how to address the kids.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to handle this I would welcome them.
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