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Mended rift too early & now regret it.
July 6, 2015
8:32 am
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Carolyn
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Dear Chrissy, my heart goes out to you for all your pain and suffering you are going through.  You are overwhelmed by your past which keeps you from moving forward.  One way I have been able to move beyond my past is to keep reminding myself that I can not let the treatment and behavior of others define who I am.  You can not change anyone but yourself.  When you dwell on what others have done to you you are letting them control you rather than you being in control.  We all have choices and when we decide to change our way of thinking to let go of the past and stay in the present and move forward we can find peace and happiness.  Not easy, it takes work.  One book I highly recommend, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, a practical guide to personal freedom.  Easy reading but filled with so much wisdom.  I also find Deepak Chopra's website, http://www.chopra.com, immensely helpful with numerous articles and suggestions and free meditation series.  I just finished one called The Healing Journey.  If you are of faith, I find strength in knowing that God loves me and is there for me.  Joyce Meyer's books and teachings have also been a godsend to me and have given me strength.  She has a great website, joycemeyer.org and a daily TV program that helps me start the day in a positive frame of mind.  I will keep you in my prayers and wish you all the best.  Namaste!

July 5, 2015
9:32 pm
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Kate
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Chrissy said
I put this in a wrong part of these message boards so I am putting it in the correct forum. Sorry it's so long, I had to get everything in.

 

I am single childless 46 year old female. I feel so damaged by chronic long term abuse from family, that I fear I may never make it in the world.
I regret mending a 7 yr rift with my family. I am the youngest of five, all born within five years.

Dad was the alpha male ruler of the house and we were all scared of him including mum.

Mum took her anger out on us kids, and the rest of the kids took their anger out on me. I had no one to take my anger out on, so, from being really small-toddler age, I explode and take my rage out on myself, and still do it to this day.

I have no access to therapy.

My family conned me into thinking I was a fool. I have had a life long reallly bad inferiority complex.
I was never allowed to show any objection to any of them.For example, they would take my things without asking and when I tried to object they told me to shut up and called me names.

Both parents were very authoritarian and violent, constantly putting me down, saying things, as if, to deliberately make me feel badabout myself with no regard for what it was doing to me. I grew up very young for my age, and consequently feel like a child in an adults body. I was 30 before I even knew I had instincts, let alone trust them. I could not tell what was my fault and what was not.

My confidence is shattered. I tried to confront my parents many times without success. I moved away and stopped cut ties with them for seven years.

I have suffered anxiety and depression and no professional has diagnosed me although I have profound problems in all areas of life, due to my emotional development being stunted.

I never knew what a real friend was until my thirties. My family never acted like friends.

From 2003 I emailed my parents cutting all ties. I sent a couple more emails in 2005-2006 telling them how I felt.
During this rift, I realized that my parents were the way they were because they must have suffered serious abuse themselves to be so damaged as to want to break thier children's spirit.

In 2009, I stopped taking the valium that I had been taking a few times a week, as per my doctors prescription. I did not know I was addicted as I wasn't taking them every day on instruction from my doctor. My doctor did not know I was addicted, but I went on a slow reduction program, and during that time, I suffered some disturbing psychiatric symptoms.
I became paranoid that I had committed a crime when I hadn't,  and fully believed this delusion at the time, even though my doctor and ex-therapist obviously saw that I felt this way due to severe anxiety.
In panic, one evening in early 2010, without thinking, I picked up the phone and called my family in tears, telling them all about the so called crime.
It was as if this paranoid obsession I had acquired had totally overshadowed the abuse.
I went and stayed with them for three weeks and spoke to my mum on the phone almost every day for a just over a year seeking reassurance about whether I had coommitted a crime or not. This paranoid obsession lasted about a year, until I gradually came to my senses.

Even though I only rang them in 2010 because I obviously was so unwell I wasn't thinking straight, I feel like I used them in the time from when I first went to stay with them, until the time I stopped phoning.

During our phone calls my mum seemed to play the victim and guilt trip me for cutting ties for seven years. I promised I would never do that again to her, but I also tried to tell her I did it for good reason.

My mum said, on the phone last year, she could have treated me better, but she was getting nagged. Probably meaning, my Dad was treating her awful like he always did, humiliating her.

In another phone call last year, she told me that they kept me little. I wondered why I felt stunted and not able to express the intelligence I know I have. I feel lost in the world and am very clumsy, awkwrd, and stammery when I am talking about a subject that is important to me.

In one of our last phone calls last year, my mum said to "move on from what she did to me" she also told me I would never get an apology from any of my family. It felt as if she knew that it was too late for me to change the damage done to me, so she could finally, remorselessly admit what she did, I felt like she rubbed it in to my face.

I did not want kids, because I never felt i could meet their emotional needs, however, really, I wish that I had been a mother, able to meet my kids needs, guide and nurture them.

What really breaks my heart is when I see people talking to their family with respect, because I never had that.

It takes me a while to realise the obvious, and, last year, I gradually felt less willing to speak to my mum on the phone.
I stopped calling her, avoided her calls which gradually faded to none, but I did not feel that I could tell them why I stopped calling them.

I regret mending the rift so soon. I was not rational at the time and am still recovering now.

I read the book Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward, and she advises to write a letter to my parents, describing how I felt, but not to expect them to come round to my way of thinking.
I know my family will not show remorse but am too nervous to write that letter. I carry no credibility in our family as they have always seen me as the weak one and have always treated me as inferior to them.

I know that insecurity makes them do this, but I cannot respond in a way I can respect myself for because my mind always goes blank when I need it most, to defend myself.

Same when dealing with any bully, my mind goes blank, just when I need it most, and I look more vulnerable.

I tell myself to let go of the bitterness and pain but it clings to me stubbornly, like it has a will of its own and I get intrusive thoughts.
I want to let go of this pain, but telling myself I am letting go is just not cutting it.
I am lonely because I cannot connect with people, and I cannot trust people because the first six people I met in my life, (my family) all let me down.

The feelings of pain are really powerful and overwhelming, and they seem to 'stick' to me, even if I tell myself to let go and think of something else, or get busy, the pain is still there.

Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.

Hi Chrissy,

Not sure if this will get to you, but I want you to know that my story is very similar to yours. Get in touch if you want to: disneyland123@outlook.com

November 9, 2012
6:31 pm
Avatar
Chrissy
Guest
Guests

I put this in a wrong part of these message boards so I am putting it in the correct forum. Sorry it's so long, I had to get everything in.

 

I am single childless 46 year old female. I feel so damaged by chronic long term abuse from family, that I fear I may never make it in the world.
I regret mending a 7 yr rift with my family. I am the youngest of five, all born within five years.

Dad was the alpha male ruler of the house and we were all scared of him including mum.

Mum took her anger out on us kids, and the rest of the kids took their anger out on me. I had no one to take my anger out on, so, from being really small-toddler age, I explode and take my rage out on myself, and still do it to this day.

I have no access to therapy.

My family conned me into thinking I was a fool. I have had a life long reallly bad inferiority complex.
I was never allowed to show any objection to any of them.For example, they would take my things without asking and when I tried to object they told me to shut up and called me names.

Both parents were very authoritarian and violent, constantly putting me down, saying things, as if, to deliberately make me feel badabout myself with no regard for what it was doing to me. I grew up very young for my age, and consequently feel like a child in an adults body. I was 30 before I even knew I had instincts, let alone trust them. I could not tell what was my fault and what was not.

My confidence is shattered. I tried to confront my parents many times without success. I moved away and stopped cut ties with them for seven years.

I have suffered anxiety and depression and no professional has diagnosed me although I have profound problems in all areas of life, due to my emotional development being stunted.

I never knew what a real friend was until my thirties. My family never acted like friends.

From 2003 I emailed my parents cutting all ties. I sent a couple more emails in 2005-2006 telling them how I felt.
During this rift, I realized that my parents were the way they were because they must have suffered serious abuse themselves to be so damaged as to want to break thier children's spirit.

In 2009, I stopped taking the valium that I had been taking a few times a week, as per my doctors prescription. I did not know I was addicted as I wasn't taking them every day on instruction from my doctor. My doctor did not know I was addicted, but I went on a slow reduction program, and during that time, I suffered some disturbing psychiatric symptoms.
I became paranoid that I had committed a crime when I hadn't,  and fully believed this delusion at the time, even though my doctor and ex-therapist obviously saw that I felt this way due to severe anxiety.
In panic, one evening in early 2010, without thinking, I picked up the phone and called my family in tears, telling them all about the so called crime.
It was as if this paranoid obsession I had acquired had totally overshadowed the abuse.
I went and stayed with them for three weeks and spoke to my mum on the phone almost every day for a just over a year seeking reassurance about whether I had coommitted a crime or not. This paranoid obsession lasted about a year, until I gradually came to my senses.

Even though I only rang them in 2010 because I obviously was so unwell I wasn't thinking straight, I feel like I used them in the time from when I first went to stay with them, until the time I stopped phoning.

During our phone calls my mum seemed to play the victim and guilt trip me for cutting ties for seven years. I promised I would never do that again to her, but I also tried to tell her I did it for good reason.

My mum said, on the phone last year, she could have treated me better, but she was getting nagged. Probably meaning, my Dad was treating her awful like he always did, humiliating her.

In another phone call last year, she told me that they kept me little. I wondered why I felt stunted and not able to express the intelligence I know I have. I feel lost in the world and am very clumsy, awkwrd, and stammery when I am talking about a subject that is important to me.

In one of our last phone calls last year, my mum said to "move on from what she did to me" she also told me I would never get an apology from any of my family. It felt as if she knew that it was too late for me to change the damage done to me, so she could finally, remorselessly admit what she did, I felt like she rubbed it in to my face.

I did not want kids, because I never felt i could meet their emotional needs, however, really, I wish that I had been a mother, able to meet my kids needs, guide and nurture them.

What really breaks my heart is when I see people talking to their family with respect, because I never had that.

It takes me a while to realise the obvious, and, last year, I gradually felt less willing to speak to my mum on the phone.
I stopped calling her, avoided her calls which gradually faded to none, but I did not feel that I could tell them why I stopped calling them.

I regret mending the rift so soon. I was not rational at the time and am still recovering now.

I read the book Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward, and she advises to write a letter to my parents, describing how I felt, but not to expect them to come round to my way of thinking.
I know my family will not show remorse but am too nervous to write that letter. I carry no credibility in our family as they have always seen me as the weak one and have always treated me as inferior to them.

I know that insecurity makes them do this, but I cannot respond in a way I can respect myself for because my mind always goes blank when I need it most, to defend myself.

Same when dealing with any bully, my mind goes blank, just when I need it most, and I look more vulnerable.

I tell myself to let go of the bitterness and pain but it clings to me stubbornly, like it has a will of its own and I get intrusive thoughts.
I want to let go of this pain, but telling myself I am letting go is just not cutting it.
I am lonely because I cannot connect with people, and I cannot trust people because the first six people I met in my life, (my family) all let me down.

The feelings of pain are really powerful and overwhelming, and they seem to 'stick' to me, even if I tell myself to let go and think of something else, or get busy, the pain is still there.

Thank you for reading this, I really appreciate it.

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