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Lost estranged child
April 6, 2015
5:36 pm
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onestepatatime
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Hanno, thank you for your post. It is horrifying. God loves you and you will find a way to have a better life and be a better parent to any children you may have. I am afraid your story is way too common. Stay strong and learn to have boundaries.  Continue to have boundaries with your parents and others.  Growing up in that dysfunction makes one think they have no value, but you have definite value.  Parents who disrespect their children teach the children to run scared and be filled with pain. Please do not let your pain control your life. Do not self medicate. I find much comfort in the reddit site "raised by narcissistics" -- I think you should google narcissists and traits of the narcissistic family. Someone on this forum wrote about this and it helped me tremendously. Helped me see people for how they really are and allowed me to more fully detach from them. When they do their narcissistic bullying, I see it for what it is and protect myself.  I hope the same for you and that you are able to continue on your positive path and perhaps help another hurting child some day. Many blessings to you.

April 6, 2015
5:23 pm
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Hanno, your courage and strength really stands out in your post.

Your experiences are absolutely horrifying and appalling which makes your courage in sharing this even more admirable.

I don't know you but I am proud of you. 

Sending you love and best wishes xxx

April 4, 2015
5:06 am
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Hanno
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I stopped talking to my parents last August. I sent a few text to my mom during Christmas only because it was the holidays. After reading a few of these I got the nerve to share my story. Sorry if it was long.

I'm 25, I'm still young, strong, good looking on the outside. On the inside I've felt like I've lost a war. I feel like I have little fight left in me. I recently stopped going to school and decided to work full time to save some money, pay off debts, and get my mental health on track. I'd been going to school part time working two jobs and doing everything on my own. I recently stopped talking to my parents because I could no longer deal with the dysfunction of our family. Lets go back to the beginning. 

I come from the bottom barrel of society. The inner city, and a family of just about every dysfunction. Abuse ran rampant in my family and sexual abuse did as well. So many children in my family have been sexually abused it's not even funny. So was I. The first abuse I encountered was sexual at the hands of my mother and uncle. Incest ran wild in our family and since we were Christian it was swept under the rug. My mom had me at 16, and when she had her other two kids I lived with my grand parents and my mom raised my two younger siblings in an apartment building across the street. My dad was one of the lights in my early life. I was safe and protected around him. No one touched me. I never knew he had gone through everything I did as child. In any event he left me. For 10 years. He left me to my next level of abuse which was physical from my step father. 

Before my step dad came into my life, my mother made me live with her and my siblings despite my protesting to my grandmother. We were never supervised, and as a three year old I often served as the guardian. Don't remember there being a lot of food either. My mom left my brother and sister un-attended in the bath tub while I watched them. My brother began to push my sister under the water several times. I hit him tried to get him to stop. He was 2, I was 3. My sister was year and a half. I ran to get my mom when my sister stopped moving under water to tell her what happened. The coroner ruled it as an accident. No one took my mom to jail because the laws were different at the time. They blamed my brother, and not one got him therapy. No one even asks me how I felt about it. I was 3 and watched my sister drown in front of me due to my mom's negligence. 

My mom fell into a deep depression and my brother and I never got baths. She worked a corner store job, and the owners nephew became my step dad. I never met him and one day he was living in our house with out even saying anything. One day as I watched Saturday morning cartoons he came into my room and hit me upside the head and turned my TV down. I guess I had it up to high. This abuse of my brother and I suffered lasted up until we were teenagers. Both my brother and I had different dads and both abandoned us. Things got worse. We were introduced to more degeneracy. My mom and step dad would make my brother and I fight each other. The winner would get a can of pop or a sip of pop. Then like animals made to go into the room to watch TV. If not for educational TV I wouldn't know where I'd be. My mom slept all day and when she was gone we would get hit by our dad. I was suffering from bed wetting because of the sexual abuse I endured earlier and was beat for it. My step dad even beat my brother because he accused my brother of making me wet the bed. This man had and still has no formal education, he had no money or job. The married a year later after first meeting.

This didn't change our socio-economic status. We were still raised in poverty. There were times my mother did not hold down a job at all and my brother did poorly in school. No discipline in the home. My mom never cooked or cleaned as a house mom. My mom and step dad fought all the time and even got physical. I saw them fight in front of my face. My step dad in earlier year frequently cheated on my mom. One night I was 8 and one his mistresses called our house asking for him. I handed him the phone and he motioned to me to be quite about it. I never said anything about it to my mom. I was scared of him and scared of him leaving our family at the same time because my mom never had her life together. She wasted those earlier years sleeping instead of working and going back to school to finish her GED and go to college. 

Things got a little better as I got older, we moved to the suburbs but still poor. My brother never got therapy and they sent me to therapy because I kept a journal detailing my sexual abuse at the hand of my uncle and my revealing of my homosexuality. At this time my biological father entered my life again. He left because my mom lied to him about my deceased sister being his child. He did not approve of me being gay, and left two years after he found me again after we couldn't get along. He came back in 2010-2012, and contacted me this past August talking about my half siblings and my sister being pregnant and wanting us to all be a family. A few short years before that my mom had revealed to me that he may not be my real father. I told him this and told him to get a blood test. He has not since responded. 

I left my parents house when I left my freshman year of college. They never even bothered to show me or my brother how to drive a car. We were living in an two bedroom apartment. They moved out into a one bedroom claiming they lacked the money. My mom had just gotten a new job making 15 dollars an hour and my step dad made 40 grand a year. They never called on birthdays for the most part. I spent most of them alone and not with all my family. I eventually moved out the dorms and got my own apartment. My parents are so financially irresponsible they got hit with a 15 thousand dollar fine due to welfare fraud. They had five years to pay this off.  2013 they wanted me to co sign a loan for 10 grand. The fine was issued in 2009. They had only paid five grand in four years. Mind you they make 80K a year. 

I was denied. My credit was good, but as a struggling college student I obviously didn't make enough money. They paid it off barely in time before my mom would be arrested. They asked me for 200 dollars to keep their lights on. I had just moved. I called and text them to help me. I messaged my mother on facebook a week before I moved out. No help. And my landlord didn't mail my security deposit to my new place and sent it to theirs because they were listed as emergency contacts. They asked for my security deposit. I agreed. But never got back in contact with them to give them the money. I'm 60K in student loan debt and they were asking me for 200 dollars and my security deposit. I stopped all contact with them after that. 

I plan on getting back with my brother and niece only because he has suffered so much from their neglect as well. I was ready to forgive all the abuse and bad times. They checked out. They told they were done being parents and to figure it out. So I did. I figured I'm still young enough to turn my life around. I have a good job, some money saved up, and only a years worth of credits till I can finish my degree. I plan on going back next August when my debts are paid down and I have a car. My parents were supposed to look out for me. I gave up my teenage years working with my dad and his business. They never worked a normal schedule for my brother and I to do anything but go to school and come home. My brother now suffers from bi-polar schizophrenia. The death of our sister, the physical abuse (I suspect he was sexually abused as well. He told me stories but later recanted. Sexually abused children often do this), the neglect turned him that way. I have to get my life on track to help him and my niece. I don't want to speak to my parents for a long time. 

I sometimes feel bad because I come from a culture where family is all we have but I wanted out of the feminist incest cult. The men are cowards and the women have ruined our families. No one speaks in my family for the abused children. I shudder to think what degeneracy is happening to the new generation of youth. If only I had the power to stop it. I dream about my parents sometimes, and I don't know if what I'm doing is right. I have learned that man is about sticking with your gut. My gut says this is right. Sometimes the right thing hurts. This hurts but I need to save myself while I still have time. 

I often read that estrangement are bad and only acceptable in extreme cases of abuse. The sexual abuse from my mother and the physical abuse from my step dad and the abandonment of my real father alone is ground for all 3 being estranged from me I feel. I don't care what anyone says. I have now just been able to admit to myself my mom abused me. I remember it happening once for sure. I was young but she preformed oral sex on me. One of the worst things that ever happened to me. For that I'll never want a woman. 

Sorry for this long post but I hope you all read. This place gave me the strength to share. I will stay the course with this estrangement until my life is where I want it. Then if I want I'll let them back in with boundaries. But never again will we be as close. They gave up on me. I never stopped fighting for them or our family. I came back from college not ready to beat them down with what I learned but ready to save us. They pushed me away. You don't have to keep pushing me away. I can take a hint. 

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