Good morning Clarity:
Your last sentences are the most revealing in your post. " Has anything changed? If so what happened to change your mind?" Those are profound questions with many layers of quandary centered around the love and familial attachments that you have with your loved ones. It's hard huh? Pondering if you want to submit yourself to more pain from your family? The way you feel is common, analytical, and cognitively correct. Hearts that have been broken have a hard time rationalizing if they want to chance it, and try again, or is it better to just keep my heart safe?
The real deal is ask yourself honestly, what do you want?
I can only speak from my heart. My Pretty Mama was mean, and especially cruel to me. 8 cried a lot, tried to enjoy her company in miniscule dosages. She really never changed. I changed, and figured out a way to get the small crumbs of attention she gave me. I have never regretted the attempts that I made. Find what works for you. But be assured that the feelings of emptiness that you are feeling are common.
Then my Mama died. I was set free, sort of.
I'm not sure if i should tell my whole story here, but I will share part of my experiences.
In May I will have been estranged from my mother for 4 years and in March I will have been estranged from my entire family for 3 years. (With the exception of minimal contact with my step dad.)
My Mother and Grandmother both suffer from Bipolar disorder and the latter has been an alcoholic since before I was born. Because of this my early childhood and adolescence were full of physical and emotional abuse that I was gaslighted into forgetting or normalizing. Once I started college it was brought to my attention that the way I was treated was wrong. It took three years after the seed was planted for me to excuse myself from their abuse.
The first year I was only angry. Angry at what she had done to me. Angry at her dieses. Angry at everyone who told me i was in the wrong. Since then though I mourn for the family I've never gotten to have.
For years I had a partner and a group of friends that acted as a surrogate family, but last year I seperated from my partner and moved to a new city where I knew only one person. I quickly lost contact with most of the people I knew.
This last year has been hard for me. The social anxiety and depression I was diagnosed with as a child has gotten nearly as bad as its ever been. I almost feel like there is no point making conections with others, because they always end or are broken.
Has anyone else had estrangement affect them this way? Has anything changed? If so what happened to change your mind?
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