Since you've decided to post on a thread for people estranged from their parents, I'll respond to the last few comments here.
When I see/hear someone say that their child has been a problem since they were a child (i.e. "she's been an issue since her pre-teens) I immediately know I'm dealing with a parent who will not take responsibility. Which is not to say that the adult children don't have their own responsibilities and growth and changes to be made. When you've been raised by an emotionally stunted parent (as some of you seem to me) you've got to step up and re-raise yourself as an adult with the correct life lessons this time.
Your adult child hasn't been a problem since they were a pre-teen. YOU'RE the problem. You can't blame a child that you were responsible for raising with love, respect, compassion and empathy, for not just learning that stuff on their own because you were incapable/chose not to grow yourself and give it to them.
It's absolutely no shock to me that parents here have estranged children. The comments they leave filled with ugly anger and resentment instead of love and compassion, seriously grosses me out.
Spend some time growing up emotionally, acknowledge what you wish you'd done differently as a parent, and THEN you can expect your adult child to do the same. But most of you sound like you haven't done the work you should have done decades ago and you're still here complaining that its someone else's problem to fix. It's your problem, actually. Accept it and grow. That's your job as a human.
Hello Vee and others,
Its just good to be hear and see what you are thinking, and the struggles of your thoughts.
Today makes one year since my 24 yr old daughter told my husband, son and I that she was 'taking a break from our family, and would let us know if she ever wanted to be in touch again'.
I felt overwhelmed w hurt at first, and the most horrible surges of rage. I felt so powerless, no information, no avenue for communication. But as the year has gone, I have looked at our history of how she came to me when she wanted something, then wanted space. She needed me, then when I provided what she wanted she scolded/rejected me and wouldn't talk to me for weeks and weeks. This cycle of pull me and and throw me out had been going on since she was a pre teen. We talked about it and she claimed she wanted to stop treating me poorly in this way. But she was not ever able to do it/choose to do it. When she moved to the West Coast w a friend last year, her communication was infrequent and unfriendly. The only time it was friendly was when she was short on her rent and wanted me to send money asap. After that I didn't hear from her for 3 months, then a brief text, and voila she is gone.
These last months I have faced that I don't like the person who would leave her father brother and me hanging here, knowing nothing. I just know that is has become crazy for me to wish for her - I actually no longer wish for her. For what? She has made it as clear as day that she does not love us or care how her actions effect us. She is not available for a conversation, any attempt at understanding or reconciliation, with or without a third party - so why would I pursue such a person? I have accepted that she does not want me. This is an essential truth I live with. It's ok. Its esp ok now that I have stopped wanting someone who doesn't want me.
Some family relationships go on all your life, others dont. If I fight this truth then I can never be free. Now I accept: my daughter killed the relationship between me and her because she wanted to. I am blessed with a loving son and loving husband and some loving friends. My daughter is gone, but now there is no 'hole' in my life where her destructive disconnection can fester.
It is a new life, as you said. The shock is the hardest part. But Live gave me an adventure when it gave me a daughter, and a new adventure when she chose to go away forever.
You know, Vee, we can't know if the stories we read on this forum are coming from the victim or the person who perpetuates the pain. Some people inflict a lot of pain, manipulation and control on others and claim they are the victim. There can be a lot of self centered "all about me" on this forum and in the whole world.
Hello Vee and Carolyn:
I agree with both of y'all, it is hard. The pain is there because we love our adult children. What we have done is figured out a way to minimize the hurtful interactions. What's wrong with that? Im up at 5:30 AM, for those same thoughts. GOD IS FIXING THIS, right now. My stratgey worked with my daughters, I will continue to wait for my son. Be strong and cry with no witnesses, it will get better.
I agree with you ,vee about learning to survive life differently. It finally gets to a point when it becomes the new "normal." Not what we had ever imagined but we finally have to accept. I will never give up hope but I have learned that it is out of my control. I find love in other places, volunteering, helping others, going to movies and spending time with people that I enjoy being with. I have strong faith and believe that all things happen for a reason. Hopefully there will be peace and harmony sooner rather than later. Take care.
I read these blogs and all I notice is that a lot of people seem so indignant and self righteous.
I have been without contact from my daughter for 3 years. I have tried to renew what is lost. I have not given up but I now realize that you can't force someone to love you. I think that if you love someone and they don't want you in their lives, then you let go. You don't stop loving them and you are gracious enough to allow them to contact you without smothering them.
I have been left out of a wedding, new house purchase and birth of a child.
More than anything, I am worried about my son who now straddles both of these worlds between two people he loves. I do not ask questions about my daughter. You don't move on, you learn to survive life differently.
It is a new and very painful life.
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