Please address your fears of rejection. It sounds like you are loved by your parents and your hate stems from fear. blessings
Hello, I'm sorry for your pain and I'm sorry for the pain your mother is going through. It must be very hard for her which I'm sure you know.
To be truthful I think you need to reach out and seek professional help/counselling for everything that you feel. I don't think you'll feel any better until you do. Sorry.
I'm quite tired now, but found this page and wanted to post something, perhaps in hopes of starting a dialogue.
Though we had our ups and downs, my parents were always supportive of me growing up. There was no physical abuse, we were basically well off, financially, and they supported me in whatever it was I wanted to do. They encouraged me to read, write, get out and see the world, love, etcetera...
But now, at 43 years old, I find that in many ways I hate them and I hate myself, too. I am financially very stable, have a good job, and have had many great experiences. I have lived in many spots across the US and overseas, and have been fortunate in that I am always able to find work that is stable and financially lucrative. I'm considered to be good looking by many, am in shape, and have never had trouble finding dates. I am, by all outward appearances, 'successful' in all respects except that I never got married and never had any children. This is a fact that has eaten at me and bothered my increasingly as I get older. So much so that when I did go home (the last time was many, many years ago) I was depressed, angered and upset at the fact that my younger sister was married with a bright young child.
For some reason that I don't quite understand, I hate my parents. Since college, I have always lived far from them, and with each time I move I have gotten farther away from them (I seem to need to move every two or three years and can't seem to stay in one place... for some reason I get bored). I have not spoken to my mother in three or four years, and the one time she tried to call me on my father's phone I simply did not speak to her and left her 'hanging' on the line. I have recently started to speak to my father because he is suffering from some form of dementia in his age, as well as some health troubles, and I don't wish to torment him emotionally. When I talk to him on the phone, he often forgets things that I've told him, or repeats things he's already mentioned to me, and it hurts me... puts me in tears, actually, and I am filled with a mixture of fury and sadness. I want to scream at him about how I hate that he's forgotten things I've told him, but I know that's wrong, and so I maintain silence on my end and let him speak. I do not ever let on that I may be weeping, or furious, on my end and simply allow him to enjoy speaking to me.
My mother has attempted to reach out to me several times through emails and texts. She seems very sincere and very hurt, but for some reason I cannot return her attempts. I hate her and blame her for (me) not being married, I think, but I'm not sure.
My father asks when I will visit, and I often tell him 'soon,' but I know that I am frightened to go home and have no plans to do so. (My only plans for going anywhere are for trips and vacations that I take -- alone -- for fun.)
I have no girlfriend and have not had one in years. I always have a date, and am not short of women who would like me as their boyfriend, but I am never satisfied with them. I do not have casual sex anymore because it bores me. In fact, I have been having difficulties becoming sexually excited anymore, in general. I often date women but can't seem to get close to them... or maybe they can't get close to me. I don't know.
I am jealous of my sister because she seems to have a wonderful relationship with her husband, who I like very much, and a great daughter. I am depressed because I have always wanted a child and a wife. I want to celebrate holidays and take them out for dinner and bring them to family gatherings.
I haven't seem my family in so many years. I only occasionally talk to my father on the phone, and mostly we just go 'round and round' with the same generic conversations.
I hate myself. I'm so sorry to any family members, on either side of this problem, for the pain that they're feeling. I don't think my parents ever did anything in particular to cause this, but I also don't think I ever did anything to cause it, either.
I don't understand. I'm sorry.
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