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For every estranged parent there is AN ADULT ESTRANGED CHILD!!
July 7, 2014
11:16 am
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LH
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Seeking said
I have spent the morning reading all these notes.  I can't keep the names all straight.  I grew up in a home with controlling parents and many times considered estrangement.  However, now that they are both gone, I am so glad that I chose to accept them as who they were.  That was beyond difficult.  I am sure some of you have dealt with much worse.  Now, my awesome, beautiful daughter has chosen the estrangement route.  I have sincerely apologized for my many mistakes, blunders, the hurt I caused, etc.  Oh how I hope that some day she will be willing to try again.  Sadly, I think that she is and has always been passive aggressive.  I believe in her, so it is my hope that we will one day be reconciled.  If not, I know what a wonderful person she is and will trust the good Lord to continue to hold her in His loving hands.

It's common for people who grew up with abusive parents to pick up some of their parents' bad traits. (The traits are called "fleas.") It's possible that you picked up some of your parents' controlling traits and don't recognize it because you're not nearly as controlling as your parents were. One hint that this might be true is your daughter's passive-aggressiveness. People become passive-aggressive when they're penalized for healthy assertion, or when their own parents model passive-aggressiveness for them.

If you'd like to be ready when your daughter contacts you again, do some self-examination and see what you might have unwillingly absorbed from your own parents' bad example.

July 3, 2014
7:33 am
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Seeking
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I have spent the morning reading all these notes.  I can't keep the names all straight.  I grew up in a home with controlling parents and many times considered estrangement.  However, now that they are both gone, I am so glad that I chose to accept them as who they were.  That was beyond difficult.  I am sure some of you have dealt with much worse.  Now, my awesome, beautiful daughter has chosen the estrangement route.  I have sincerely apologized for my many mistakes, blunders, the hurt I caused, etc.  Oh how I hope that some day she will be willing to try again.  Sadly, I think that she is and has always been passive aggressive.  I believe in her, so it is my hope that we will one day be reconciled.  If not, I know what a wonderful person she is and will trust the good Lord to continue to hold her in His loving hands.

May 25, 2014
12:39 pm
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Amotherinterrupted
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Dear sweet julieah-child, i pray that you find healing and love with everyone you reach out to in your family.

May 25, 2014
4:33 am
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Christina
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I am estranged from both my children and grandchildren.

My son for 15 years and my daughter 1 year.  I just do not know what to do next to try and mend things.  

My my daughter has 2 boys aged 7 & 9 and she will not allow me to see them.  I know as a mum I have made mistakes but do not understand her extreme behaviour.  We were always very close until a couple of years ago when she started seeing her brother more.

She has just returned every birthday  and Christmas present I have sent in the last year unwrapped.  What will my grandsons be thinking.  

I am stuck and don't know what else to do.  I feel so lonely

May 25, 2014
4:24 am
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Christina
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Narnia said

@Narnia

@Pkin32904

@Pkin32904

@Narnia

<...

Excuse all my errors.  Sleepy, not dumb!

May 19, 2014
1:48 pm
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julieah
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Just wanted to say this post means a lot to me. My mother never accepted me and it's family knowledge she hated me from birth.

Despite being aware my mother wanted to be rid of me I never gave up trying to win her over. I had so hoped that as adults we could nurture healthier relationships. What I overlooked was that mother never wanted our relationship to be better and was in no way sorry about our history.

Without telling the ugly story in detail I wanted to share that I tried to reach out to my mother and she not only shot me down, she told me she couldn't be around me any longer and disinherited me from the family trust my late father set up for his kids. She hasn't spoken to me in 5 years.

The reason I'm posting is that I've had a terrible time finding information on healing from family estrangement from the adult child's point of view. As pathetic as it is, I wanted any kind of relationship I could have with my mother, even abusive. She chose estrangement and when looking for information on the web I was starting to think NO mother ever rejected her child and that the only hurt party that mattered in family estrangement was the parent.

My mother IS NOT HURT. I'm the one grieving everyday about a mother who doesn't want to know me!

Just to complete the picture, neither of my siblings speak to me anymore even though they know mother is and has been unreasonable. I guess in their position it'd be uncomfortable to be around the sister who got kicked out of the family and who's part of the family trust will be in your bank account. BTW - I never counted on inheritance nor did I believe i'd be excluded.

I'm sure I made plenty of mistakes I could apologize for…. i just wish i'd been told what my offenses were before my siblings turned their backs on me.

I HAD NO IDEA JUST HOW BADLY FAMILY CAN BREAK YOUR HEART!  It feels like I'll NEVER recover!!!

Thank you for this post as I've been incredibly frustrated when seeking information and support!

June 30, 2012
9:00 pm
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Narnia
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@Narnia

@Pkin32904

@Pkin32904

@Narnia

<...

Excuse all my errors.  Sleepy, not dumb!

June 30, 2012
8:59 pm
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Narnia
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@Pkin32904

@Pkin32904

@Narnia

Pkin,

   I'm so sorry to read your heartbreaking story. I really can feel your heartache. Often men like this reveal their true colors, and this one had done it three times before, so I hope your daughter will have her eyes opened.  Right now she's deaf, dumb, and blind, as mind is.  You have a good change he'll come around.  At least, I think so. In the meantime, we endure or try to. Love and comfort to you.

June 29, 2012
4:44 pm
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Pkin32904
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@Pkin32904

@Narnia

@one day at a time
I also have a 24 year old daughter who ...

Itoo have a Ed 24who was wonderful generous and kind until 18 mos ago then I knew she was changing but I thought she was busy jobs school found out she is with a horror ofa boyfriend 5 kids 3 marriages no job skills at all she said not to visit her and I haven't heard from her for 3 months we used to talk 3x's a day I lost my closest friend and my daughter she said I hope your not sick I don't have time to go to your funeral

June 29, 2012
4:34 pm
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Pkin32904
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@Narnia

@one day at a time
I also have a 32 year old daughter who estranged herself from me ...

June 26, 2012
8:32 am
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stuckinthemiddle
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Louise,

I am so sorry for the estrangement you are in. I am an estranged daughter-in-law, and my heart aches on behalf of my husband every day. It was his mother who decided to remove herself from our lives, when our children were 16, 11, and 9. She even said "My grandkids can contact me when they are adults"

The whole matter came to a head over an estate and borrowed money between my husband and his two brothers. It didn't even involve her, as she had been divorced from my husband's father for many years.

I did a very bad thing by calling her, drunk and angry (truth be told, I was angry at my husband for borrowing estate money from his alcoholic brother - which I knew nothing about until the other brother sued my husband)

So - I realize that I hurt her by calling her, but she actually blames my husband for everything.

It is very sad.

BTW, my kids - her granddaughters - are now 21, 16, and 14. What wasted time.

June 25, 2012
7:14 pm
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Narnia
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Elke said
I agree with you louise, ESTRANGEMENT IS THE LONELIEST PLACE ON EARTH.

Yes.

June 25, 2012
7:13 pm
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Narnia
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@one day at a time
I also have a 32 year old daughter who estranged herself from me three years ago. Quite frankly, I'm still ...

I was never abused.  My parents were great to me.  But I am in the same position that you are, estranged from my thirty-year old daughter. I think I was a good mother.  If I failed it was by being too involved.  She has had  a very accomplished and unusual life. But now because of relationship she is in, she doesn't act like the same person.  She used to be kind to everyone, really.  Now she is mocking and critical, as he is. I never knew anything could hurt this much.  Don't blame yourself or your past.  There are a lot of us out here, and I don't think we are to blame.  I have a friend here in the same situation, and we've found that others who are not in the situation just don't get it.  So we talk alot, keep busy together at night, and use a lot of distraction therapy.  It's been almost a year for me.  You are brave to endure three years. I hope this is not forever, and I hope it is not three years.  In my case, it's all about the boyfriend who wants to isolate her.  I know there is something in her that wants that, too, or she wouldn't be where she is. This is the greatest heartbreak I've ever known. I hope your situation has changed since it's been awhile since you've posted.

March 18, 2012
7:21 am
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one day at a time
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I also have a 32 year old daughter who estranged herself from me three years ago. Quite frankly, I'm still in shock. Even though I was raised in a very sick family with an alcoholic, abusive father, I gave my children everything I could. I, too, wanted them to have a wonderful childhood - the one I never had. But I now see that I needed help and education, because apparently, I've passed on family dysfunction without meaning to. It's all so sad. I just have to try to make it through one day at a time. What else can you do? And, other family members have placed blame on me....I've always been the "fix it" person in my family, so I'm the easy target. I'm hoping I can come to a point of acceptance that my daughter's decision to estrange herself belongs to her - and I must move on.

I'd like to find a support group. Every morning, I wake up with thoughts of my beloved daughter and I just ache that she has abandoned a relationship with me.

Helen Marie said:

Dear oldredhorse,

It sounds like you were raised in a dysfunctional family situation (abusive alcoholic parent) and, unfortunately, dysfunctional patterns get passed from generation to generation unless everyone undergoes extensive counseling and education re. the destructive family situation.

My daughter turned against me after she married and had a child. I was severely physically abused, left her abusive father, went for counselling and joined a support group - which helped me move on and raise her in as 'normal' a life as possible. I have now been with a supportive and caring man for over 20 years - one she wants no parts of. She now supports and defends her abusive alcoholic father, who also sexually abused her as a child. She told me she does not want her child to know anything about her past, and if I can't keep my mouth shut, I am not welcome near her or her family. She needs counselling, but refuses to get it. She can not even discuss her past with her husband. She has become very controlling in her marriage, and I sense her anger.

When our adult children refuse to acknowledge their harmful past, refuse counseling, and do not want us in their life unless we stay stuck in the dysfunctional pattern, all we can do is accept it, and go on with our life, in hopes that some day they will realize there is a better life waiting for them too.


March 13, 2012
11:26 am
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Helen Marie
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Dear oldredhorse,

It sounds like you were raised in a dysfunctional family situation (abusive alcoholic parent) and, unfortunately, dysfunctional patterns get passed from generation to generation unless everyone undergoes extensive counseling and education re. the destructive family situation.

My daughter turned against me after she married and had a child. I was severely physically abused, left her abusive father, went for counselling and joined a support group - which helped me move on and raise her in as 'normal' a life as possible. I have now been with a supportive and caring man for over 20 years - one she wants no parts of. She now supports and defends her abusive alcoholic father, who also sexually abused her as a child. She told me she does not want her child to know anything about her past, and if I can't keep my mouth shut, I am not welcome near her or her family. She needs counselling, but refuses to get it. She can not even discuss her past with her husband. She has become very controlling in her marriage, and I sense her anger.

When our adult children refuse to acknowledge their harmful past, refuse counseling, and do not want us in their life unless we stay stuck in the dysfunctional pattern, all we can do is accept it, and go on with our life, in hopes that some day they will realize there is a better life waiting for them too.

March 13, 2012
10:28 am
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oldredhorse
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I am both a child who cut out my father who was an abusive alcoholic (both verbally and physically) and a parent who has been cut out by an adult child who has ben given everything, incluing the proverbial pony that every child wants. I spent my entire life as a parent building for my two daughters the childhood I didn't get. I have one daughter who is a lovely kind, compassionate, intelligent art teacher and the other is about graduate with honors and a degree in biology this May. I do believe that she has cut me from her life because she wants me to hurt-- even if she hurts herself in the process.
By the way, I waited, out of respect for my mom, until after she'd died to cut my father loose. It was so incredibly freeing I never looked back.
I hope this isn't how my younger daughter feels about me, but maybe I'm being punished by the universe for cutting off my father. Who knows.

December 21, 2011
8:15 pm
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Raejen
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Low contact daughter -

Your statement, "My situation is that my father is severely personality disordered. He is self-absorbed, manipulative, shallow and deceitful in his emotions, cruel, lacks empathy and seeks attention constantly. He is a narcissist."

....describes my daughter to a "T". Along with many of your other descriptions of him.

What's hard as a mother is letting go of your child despite all of those horrible characteristics. Her estrangement from the family was just more manipulation, more cruelty and a way to garner attention.

December 21, 2011
5:11 pm
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LemonMom
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I just want to jump in for a second and say thanks to Louise and low contact for being forthright and honest about their feelings. I felt like maybe it gave me some insight. I wish I could read a post that my own ED would write so I could know where to start.
yes estrangement is a very lonely place for us all. I have hope though that it can be better someday. I am going to keep praying, reading and trying to understand.
May everyone here feel peace and love this holiday. We are all children of God and deserve it.

December 20, 2011
8:37 pm
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Barb
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Dear Louise,
I so appreciate your imput, my daughter told me she couldn't have a relationship with me and be a good wife and Mother. It came from a website about narcissitic mom's. As unbelievable as this sounds, I am in complete shock over that accusation, it seems I should be able to relate to some of it, but I honestly can't see me as narcissitic? Brief story, my 2 son's are speaking, one won't discuss anything about the situation and the other is in disbelief. She was so loved, not God's gift as a daughter, but I forgave so much unkindness. I beleive she tried but she just can't bring herself to even like me. Maybe sometimes we are bring a child into the world but maybe not meant to have them love us back? I did my very best to be a good Mother, I was always there for her and couldn't have loved her more, or been more patience, there were times she was so cruel I would literally go in my room and just cry. She has broken my heart, do you think she will regret it in her life, or is sorry for what she has done? I loved her husband like a son but he turned on me to agreeing with everything she has said, it will never be the same~

December 12, 2011
12:38 pm
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Helen Marie
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You say, "Estrangement is the loneliest place on earth." I agree, it's very painfull to acknowledge that the people closest to us, don't want to be near us or associate with us, BUT if the relationship lacks caring and love, or involves emotional, physical or verbal abuse - then I believe we're all better off a part.

Yes, our children should show us love and respect for raising them, IF WE were good parents. If they don't, let the spoiled brats go - they aren't worth it. However, IF WE were abusive, alcoholic, or treated them like crap - then they don't owe us their love and respect. Good for them for having the courage to move on.

That's my personal opinion - things work both ways!

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