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estranged from my 34 year old daughter... and her two children
July 27, 2016
4:45 pm
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Fred
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Good afternoon Kelly:

Look, I sent you a post long time ago, but when I tried to send it, it was just zonked.  Your daughter reminds me of my spoiled ass son.  Now, you are aware that your kid is spoiled, selfish, and jealous of the love your grandchildren have for you. You and your husband are great parents. From my experience, great parents are usually great grandparents. Don't wallow in the pain she is giving you. Yall both need to stand tall and proud with the validation you get from your son.  Your daughter will change when you do. I would still do what I feel and need to do for my grandchildren. But I would not dare to grovel and ask for the phone number. My grandmother used to say, " if you don't play the game  it turns into solitaire."  It's been some weeks since your post. I hope that your kid has woke up. But if she's  still playing this immature, obvious game with you, then let her play it by herself. You and your husband are great parents and grandparents. Own it! Make it be your new mantra!   I'm guilty of doing too much too! My son did not start to change until I did. It's a slow process, but I can see it.

June 28, 2016
5:54 pm
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Kelly
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My husband and I are cut off from our daughter.  There has been tension in varying amounts for about four years.  She had made lifestyle choices that were always considered unhealthy in our home.  She smokes, has more than two drinks each day, and weighs about 250 pounds.  We'd given her tuition, money for books, bought a condo for her to live in, given her a car and she chose to join a social sorority and stop attending classes.  That precipitated a consequence of her having to pay for her health care as she was no longer a student.  She blames that as a reason she couldn't "afford" to take further classes.  She said partying was something she needed to do while she was young

Now she is 34, has two children (now 2 and 4), married to an enlisted Navy man who is on his first of six months deployment.  He moved them to Virginia in January, 2015.  We were invited to visit in May of last year.  We were not invited to stay in their five bedroom house.  We got a hotel and rented a car so we could take the children places while the parents were at work... and on the two weekends so the parents could finish projects in their new home.  There was a list of rules we needed to follow and we did everything we were asked with smiles. 

She has two huge dogs, a German Shepherd and a Bull Mastiff, and she keeps a loaded handgun in her night stand next to her bed.  She showed it to me and said it was for safety.  When I didn't smile, she unloaded the chamber onto the bed and then asked me if I felt better.  I asked her if she'd consider a gun safe and she said that would defeat the purpose of having this weapon at her hands reach.

We'd arrived with gifts for the children, and exchanged Mother's Day gifts which was very nice.  We took all to dinner three times, to breakfast on Mother's Day, feted the kidos to parks, zoos, recreation area, and had a great time, loving every minute of that week with them.  We bought food for the home, made meals that they asked us to make, did laundry, had the kids fed and bathed before the parents came home.... all something the parents said they would like. Now... nothing.  No response to emails, texts, letters and she has changed her phone#.

Before their move, the children were cared for in our home... for months to a year... including weekend sleep-overs so the parents could "go out".  Our daughter had asked us if we were willing to do this.  We eagerly agreed and made a day-care room with toys, books, beds, scooters for outside, stroller, highchair... the works.  Some of my happiest memories will be those times with my g.children.  The children loved coming to our home and the delight they showed was clearly annoying to our daughter.  She said it "hurt" to see how happy her children were to run to my door.  I was enjoying being a good g.mother, I loved having those babies with me, and they loved me, too.  I was hoping my daughter would see that I was showing respect, love and being so generous out of love for... her. 

I am not angry.  I am hurt, feeling very confused about what I did or could have done that set this off or could make it better.  I am grieving the loss of my daughter and the g.children I love so very much.  We have a son who is four years older than his sister and he is very close with us.  He comes for a meal at least once a week.. or we are invited to his home.  He goes skiing with us, loves to go out with us on our boat, loves to come over to play a board game and always celebrates holidays with us.  He says I was and am a good mother and am not the cause of his sister's choice to cut us out of her life.  I fear she is very emotionally immature and that has to be something left undone by our parenting.  I fear, too, that she is emotionally unwell and may have some level of bi-polar or personality disorder. 

Any thoughts?  I'm too far in the cave to see my way, for sure.

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