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Estranged for not taking sides
September 20, 2014
9:09 am
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correction, the sentence below should read could be misconstrued, not good be misconstrued:

There's was nothing that you said about breast cancer having one of the best prognosises that good be misconstrued.  

September 20, 2014
9:07 am
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I don't have any expertise in the field, just what I've learned through therapy and self help.  So this is in no way a "professional" opinion.  Have you googled narcissistic mother or borderline mother?  Technically Narcissistic Personality is no longer a diagnosis of its own, it's been folded into antisocial I think.  

But a lot of your mother's behaviors seem narcissistic.  They often will either fake or exaggerate illness to get attention.  Or call attention to it at inappropriate times.  There's was nothing that you said about breast cancer having one of the best prognosises that good be misconstrued.  Your mother getting huffy about that being said to your brother, not even her directly, may indicate she was angry with you for taking some of her attention away.  My mother was well on the way to the 5 year survival mark when she made a drama/attention seeking comment at my brother's wedding, in front of a whole crowd of people about how she wonders when she's going to die from cancer.  And it's been 9 years since her surgery.

You took away the attention.  I believe this is what is known as "narcissistic injury", which can cause a narcissistic rage.  A common result of this is a smear campaign where the target becomes personna non grata.

I've been through this with my own family.  My dad and her split up when I was 12, so I still have his family and my stepmom.  Basically, when she decides you've been punished enough, she'll waltz in with some big news or random comment like nothing ever happened.  You won't get an apology.

I would be very careful about going back into contact.  I did a few times and I found that while being excluded from the family was painful, I eventually gained some peace and healing which was invariably shattered every time I let her back in.  The last round was it for me, I don't plan to speak with or see her ever again. 

Also, with narcissists or borderlines, there's no such thing as remaining neutral.  If you are not for them, you are against them

I found therapy helpful in coming to terms with the estrangement.

May 26, 2014
8:26 am
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carolyn
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Estrangeddaughter said
I am currently estranged from my mother, step father and youngest brother due to no fault of my own.  Relations between us began to be strained when they had a falling out with my other brother.  I refused to take sides as I felt it would be wrong to do so.  My mother took this as being my taking my brother's side.  In fact I took neither side as I felt from my perspective that both of them had done things wrong.  My mother had a cancer scare and I was planning on visiting her then.  However when I attempted to encourage my youngest brother that out of all the cancers breast cancer is the one with the best prognosis I received both an abusive email and an abusive message on my answer phone.  It was made clear to me that I was not welcome.    Since I last saw them my brother has got married to a woman from another country and they are expecting a child soon.  I found out about the marriage and the baby third hand.  I have invited my mother to meet up with me on the occasions that I have been in the area however she was on one occasion not prepared to travel a few miles to have a cup of coffee (I had travelled over 200 miles) to show she was prepared to reconcile.  On the other occasion she actually booked to be out of the country, I believe though I cannot prove that she did this after I messaged my estranged brother advising him of my plans and inviting him to meet up too.  My mother did not send my a Christmas card this year nor a birthday card.  I sent her both a Christmas card and a Mother's day card and texts.  None of these were acknowledged. 

I believe my mother no longer wants reconciliation due to the fact that my youngest brother will soon be a father and my sister in law (who I have never met) has become a replacement daughter for her. 

There is a lot of advise to estranged parents but I struggle to find anything for someone in my position.  I would love to be reconciled with my family.  I simply want my decisions to be respected.

Estranged daughter, my heart goes out to you for the pain you are going through.  Yes, your position is different than most of the estranged adult children.  In reading over your post, am I correct that your mother heard from your brother that you said "that out of all the cancers, breast cancer is one with the best prognosis."  Often when words are taken out of context, they are not related in the same manner spoken.  Could it be that your mother was offended and thought you were minimizing her cancer rather than putting your brother's concerns at rest and encouraging him.  Misunderstandings and lack of communication are often at the root of estrangements.  Have you tried calling or emailing your mother and letting her know how much you love her and miss her and that you want to make things right. Rather than assuming why the distance, calmly confront it.  I am sure that in your mother's heart she loves you dearly but may have a difficult time expressing her feelings.  I will pray for you and wish you all the best for peace and happiness.  

May 26, 2014
6:55 am
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Estrangeddaughter
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Unfortunately I am.  To the extent that people related to her by marriage were not even aware I existed.

May 25, 2014
1:08 pm
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Amotherinterrupted
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Dear Estranged for not taking sides,  

You are NOT replaceable!  Please know that no other person in this world or, not yet born, will ever replace you in your Mother's heart. Good luck to you.

May 22, 2014
12:12 pm
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Estrangeddaughter
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I am currently estranged from my mother, step father and youngest brother due to no fault of my own.  Relations between us began to be strained when they had a falling out with my other brother.  I refused to take sides as I felt it would be wrong to do so.  My mother took this as being my taking my brother's side.  In fact I took neither side as I felt from my perspective that both of them had done things wrong.  My mother had a cancer scare and I was planning on visiting her then.  However when I attempted to encourage my youngest brother that out of all the cancers breast cancer is the one with the best prognosis I received both an abusive email and an abusive message on my answer phone.  It was made clear to me that I was not welcome.    Since I last saw them my brother has got married to a woman from another country and they are expecting a child soon.  I found out about the marriage and the baby third hand.  I have invited my mother to meet up with me on the occasions that I have been in the area however she was on one occasion not prepared to travel a few miles to have a cup of coffee (I had travelled over 200 miles) to show she was prepared to reconcile.  On the other occasion she actually booked to be out of the country, I believe though I cannot prove that she did this after I messaged my estranged brother advising him of my plans and inviting him to meet up too.  My mother did not send my a Christmas card this year nor a birthday card.  I sent her both a Christmas card and a Mother's day card and texts.  None of these were acknowledged. 

I believe my mother no longer wants reconciliation due to the fact that my youngest brother will soon be a father and my sister in law (who I have never met) has become a replacement daughter for her. 

There is a lot of advise to estranged parents but I struggle to find anything for someone in my position.  I would love to be reconciled with my family.  I simply want my decisions to be respected.

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