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Contact or not?
December 19, 2015
5:02 am
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fred
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Look Dreamer, don't  dream anymore years away, wasting time with this shoulda, coulda, crap!  Be honest to your feelings, you want and need to know your story.  Sometimes the hurtful past can stalemate the future  and present opportunities. Don't  jump into the deep end of the pool just yet. Don't  let your child know that you're  looking for his grandfather and risk potential pain to your kid. Don't  inform your Mama, simply  because  you already sense some rejection or anger,  Dip  your toe in the shallow, less invasive  part of his Facebook pool, and see what  happens. Whatever happens  from  that  attempt, will most assuredly  stop  you from dreaming, and will hopefully stop you from playing the "shoulda, woulda, coulda", game.  If you think you are ready, and it sounds like you are.

December 19, 2015
4:43 am
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fred
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Damn Jim,  you're  doing  too much!   If you  know in your heart that you  were a good  Dad, then stop groveling for his love. However, if you have the slightest  notion that you were guilty  of anything toward your adult child, then apologize. Let him know that you are willing and want to make amends to him.  And thats it!   An apology only works if the offended party is READY to accept it. Sounds like your boy is still in the punitive stages of his past hurt towards you.  He cannot play this game towards you alone.  Just wait, if he wants a reconciliation, he will make sure that it happens on his conflicted time,  Just pray and wait, while your heart and he understands that you have left the door open.

December 17, 2015
1:26 pm
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onestepatatime
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I think that any parent who purposefully alienates the other parent from the children is not a good parent. (It is not purposeful alienation when the other parent has abused them or something bad, that would be protecting them.) All children naturally love both their parents and need both their parents.

Your mother has some real emotional or mental problems if she would be angry that you contact your father. Sounds like perhaps your mother is the one who is the real problem in your life. Check out the personality disorder of narcissism and see if this matches your mother.

I say this coming from having an exhusband who demands the adult children's time and energy and wants them to be angry at me and alienated from me. I was the one who raised them and nurtured them while he was drinking and drugging so go figure!

As far as FB, make sure your father actually uses his account, if you message him through FB and he never looks at it, you won't contact him that way. You could pay one of those search engines to get you information on where he lives, phone number, etc.

Go into this search with no expectations of any outcome. Just do it. Don't make it a catastrophy in your mind now  or put hope into it. Let it be what it turns out to be.

December 17, 2015
8:47 am
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LH
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If you don't think your father was abusive, then trying to contact him may not be a bad idea. Especially if you and your mother don't get along--why give up a potentially functional relationship with one parent for the sake of a bad relationship with the other parent?

But it all depends on what your father is like. Was he a good man who just didn't get along with your mother? Are there danger signs in the stories your mother told you? (Can you trust the stories your mother told you?)

December 16, 2015
11:16 am
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Jim
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Contact him.  I haven't spoken to my son for years and would give anything if he contacted me.  I have called him over 100 times and left voice mails, text messaged him over 300 times, sent cards, cookies and checks.  Instead I am met with stone cold silence.  His mother has lied to him about me and it hurts, he wont speak to me therefore I can not give him the truth so we are in a downward spiral.  Also why does it matter if your mother gets mad, you are a grown man, why do you have do what mommy wants.  Believe it or not your dad also has feelings and his are probably deeply hurt.  There is NOTHING more important to a man then his SON.  Contact Him !!! 

January 20, 2015
12:52 pm
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Dreamer
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Quick run down: parents got divorced when I was 4. Mom remarried two years later after which we moved (mom, stepdad, me). Never seen my biological father since. When I was in high school I had a classmate who tried to broker for his extended family (she knew them through her church and we had recently moved back to where I was born - I don't know if he was involved or not). I didn't take her up on it: it felt too weird and I couldn't imagine justifing it to mom (still can't). Am now in my fourties. This never bothered me terribly until I got pregnant with my first kid at 30. Spent some time online trying to locate him at the time, no luck.

Now I see my bio. father has a facebook account and I wonder if I should make the effort. I searched on a whim: he didn't turn up through a common connection I could contact first. Face to face is probably never gonna happen, too far away. 

Been reading some of the stuff here, and my basic motivation is curiosity. I don't feel really angry about the situation (it happened more often than not I think with divorces in the 70's), sometimes dissappointed, but God I would be completly devestated if he rejected me. And there is the fact that I could not tell mom about this. She would be mad, I think, and our relationship, while not estranged, is defintely not close either and I don't think it could handle this kind of tension. It kinda feels like Pandora's box. 

Thoughts, suggestions?

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