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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
November 15, 2013
5:28 am
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Emms
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I'm 46 and recently became estranged from my 80 year old parents. While I feel slightly overwhelmed by the 'joint' decision, I realise i shouldve done it 30 years age. My mother is a monster who has never shown love, affection or protected me from life. She accepted that my father took my sister to bed every Sunday while her and I were at Church.When it came out she begged my father to stay. For the rest of their lives, they have protected each other from the harsh truths of themselves. As a child it was like my family walked through each other, like ghosts. I had no one to protect me from the harshness of being bullied. My mother had my stomach pumped when she found pills in my dress (I was 2yrs old) and didn't even hug me afterwards. Her words later were ' well you looked at me like you hated me' Well of course I would! I've asked for hugs all through my life, given them every chance to try but still they can't. I'll I ever hear is 'we sent you to private school' as if that makes them loving parents. What she forgets is she didn't brush my matted hair before school and that I stole money from the nuns to gain attention and have the security of money in my bedroom. My sister left home when I was 10 to marry an older man. They were okay that his attention was improper toward me and showing porn films to a young girl isn't the right way. But I needed my sister at that time and put up with him to be near her. She was the nearest thing to a parent I had, which makes it all the sad that she turned against me.

 

My sister  is 8 years older has had massive issues with me and in our adult life has destroyed my relationships, resented everything I've ever had and caused the estrangement between my own daughter and me because I became a grandmother before her! My daughter and I are fine now. I cut my sister out 6 years ago, I had to before she destroyed everything. My parents was last month. I have no other family except the one I created. I am seeing a therapist who is amazing and we are trying to unravel the disaster my life has become. While I am settled now, my 20's and 30's were off kilter. This includes two divorces which broke me and brought on anxiety and agoraphobia. I became very fast and loose and would take massive risks with my safety involving men.

 

For years I felt that I was the abnormal one because I was so upset by these events. They would say I was the difficult one with mental health problems etc. No one ever said sorry or tried to explain their actions. They were cold and evasive and blamed for rocking the boat. I don't what's changed in me but being bullied into being someone I'm not has to stop. So I visited my parents and came out with everything calmly and unemotionally as I could. And I was shown the door and disinherited.My inheritance was to be my compensation but thats gone now as I've dared to act up. Losing that amount (it's alot) hurts as much as anything else at the moment. i wonder why didn't I keep my mouth shut for another decade? But then I think 'to thine ownself be true, Emma'

November 14, 2013
9:45 pm
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Throwaway Mom
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elayne,

Your reply is uncalled for.  Obviously there are some parents confused as to where to post on this site, an honest mistake.  Dr. Coleman is the author of "When Parents Hurt" and has set up these forums to include a children's section.  It's not like these parents are way out of their ballpark, seeking a children's only board and posting on there.  To insinuate they don't know their boundries is insulting.  If you are not directly their child you should refrain from the sanctimonious condenscending remarks.  Some parents are here for more tragic reasons than crossing bounderies and to lament this bitterness and hateful tirade is like rubbing salt in their very justified wounds.  Untill you have had the destroying experience of having your child ripped from your life, please have the decency of not judging total strangers, a mere reminder as to what board they have crossed over to would have been sufficient.

November 14, 2013
8:33 pm
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elayne
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Yet another parent that thinks they are immune to boundaries...... This forum is for CHILDREN who are estranged, not parents. When estranged children like me cut you out of our lives what we are saying is that we DO NOT WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU. We do not want to hear about your opinions, ideas, pains or feelings of unfulfilled obligations. If we were interested in hearing about your feelings, we would contact you, not come to a place where other ESTRANGED CHILDREN are seeking support FOR ESTRANGING THEMSELVES. 

Do you go to strip clubs and cry about the nudity??

 

All you parents who post here, I feel for you, but you do realize that you are effectively bartenders whining about a downturn in your business at an AA meeting, right?

The last thing a recovering alcoholic needs is to hear about how many drinks you didn't sell last night.

The last thing we need is some stranger selling stuff we won't even buy from our own parents.

Go find a support group for PARENTS. I see now why the traffic here has dried up, why, yet again, I will get no support because some parent thinks the rules of basic human behaviour don't apply to them.

November 5, 2013
10:39 pm
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Rosie
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I am searching for a solution to the anguish and guilt that overpowers me each time my adult son fails to answer my phone calls or ignores my texts. It is so consuming when you have tried everything to redeem your failings as a parent. Have three adult children. My middle child is now a married family man.So are his siblings. Since his mid teens he became distant and finally announced at 28 that he had never liked his mother and would never change his mind. As a child he often behaved negatively towards me to arouse my attention. Hence it often brought a negative reception.  I feel he felt under valued in comparison to his siblings. Whilst he  would appear needy he would not accept your affection. No matter what I did to reassure him of his worth he continued to isolate himself.I believe I often compromised him materially when I felt I could not reach him. He has cut all ties with his siblings as well. Whilst my other children assure me I was a reasonable and fair mother this young man begs to differ. He declines invitations to family gatherings then insinuates that we don`t include him. We are often taken to task for not visiting but refuses to accept our phone calls or texts when we attempt to arrange a visit. I have tried to appease him by travelling some distance to their home to babysit their four young children only to have them arrive home pitifully late. He suggests that I make more time for his nieces and nephews. Is this adult sibling rivalry ? I am always so careful to give of myself equally to each of my children.  No matter what we endeavour to do for our son it is considered not enough. As a young man of 19 and an apprentice in a nearby town I would ring weekly to check on his welfare.  Often a rude grunt was all he could manage when I did ring hence I decided that maybe I was being an over bearing mother.Some weeks lapsed and he complained to his sister that I never rang him anymore. Eager to earn his approval I  called him. A hideous reception and in my remorse I informed my daughter & her good friend that I was never to be prompted to do that again. That I was at a loss to understand this boy and at times I wished I had never had him. Harsh words I know. The good friend became my sons wife and I have been  made regret these  words ever since. No apology is enough. He is now 35 and still full of loathing and my guilt goes on.....

 

November 5, 2013
9:47 pm
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Rosie
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Jenny said
Anon

The reason parents like me come to this forum is that we are desperately trying to figure out what to do and how our estranged children feel in hopes of insight to mend things.  You are right in that I "hear" my son in every post because I feel enormous guilt for not being good enough that he wants me in his life.  Also, if there is a small chance to get just one family mended by showing both sides...well, to me it seems valuable.  There are many, many reason for estrangement, and much like divorce, some are justified and some are not.  Sometimes there is truly a "wrong", while other times, there is just miscommunication.  If there is hope, though, if someone could get my son to stop being angry, stop blaming, and consider my side and my feelings also, I would be grateful.  In addition, there is extreme pain, and people often are self-absorbed when they are in pain.  I will no longer post here, on this forum.  I did not intend to be disrespectful of anyone.  However, I truly do not understand or appreciate the verbal lashing.

 

November 4, 2013
7:37 pm
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mamazee
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It's been seventeen months since my eighth child was born and my mom basically decided to flamethrower  her way out of my life.  She had just gotten a divorce from my dad after 39 years of marriage (no cheating that i know of, just they couldn't stop fighting all the time - she says "mental cruelty").  Fine, they get divorced.  But she phones, and mocks me at five weeks after the divorce, asking "How long are you "only okay until noon?" " I had told her that i was being kind to myself because i was still feeling weepy.  So i had adjusted our schedule to get more done in the morning,  knowing I'd crash after lunch. I understand  that she feels guilty (she claims to be a Christian, and we were always told that divorce was unthinkable) - but she *asked* how i was doing.  I wasn't trying to make her feel bad.

Then, she came to my house after i asked three times that she not come, because we were obviously on such extremely different grief timelines.

Insert drama regarding my sister - which my mom basically caused.

A few months later, i'm  on bedrest, and had to take anti anxiety meds as in the last week of  pregnancy, the physical pain (my torn pelvis) and the emotional pain (my sister and mom phoning me to scream at me) were overwhelming and i was having anxiety attacks 24/7 for two days.

Mom comes to my house the day before i am due, and  while my husband takes the children to church, starts to enumerate my faults.  I am crazy, i need drugs (took two doses total, in the last week of pregnancy).  The drugs will damage the baby but i don't care.  I am just jealous of my sister,who weighs under 90 lbs - eating disorder :(.  No.  She is red in the face, spitting with rage.

And i realize, this woman  has no  idea who i am.  Finally, she's trying to bait me by taunting me that i am fat (i am nine months pregnant and due the next day).  She has no idea who i am.  I don't have any weight issues.  I'm a healthy weight and have always been.  She is just trying to hurt me.

And this is not a new situation.  This is why i couldn't wait to move out the minute i graduated high school.  At the time, i thought "I never want to see these people again".  But then i had a baby, and felt that i could "give him  grandparents" and mediate their crazy.  And it worked for about a year.  Then my sister  was pregnant out of wedlock and their descent into "i can't control my incivility" began.

I spent 18 years waiting to grow up and get away.

Then i spent 17 years waiting for them to grow up.

I'm just done.  I don't need the drama.  I don't need any support from them.  I don't need their approval (which i will never get anyway).  And, watching my mom refuse to go help my sister who had a child in chemo (while i was pregnant) made me realize that deep down, i'd felt that family, if "push came to shove" would be a safe place.  They'd have my back if it REALLY got bad...  Well, i was wrong about that.  Because chemo is pretty bad, and she still couldn't focus on anything but her own "pain" (from her unhappiness with the marriage).

My dad went down and  helped my sister,moving in and driving and caring for the other children.  And my mom divorced him months later.  There's just no good reason to keep myself open to attacks from  her that are unrelated to anything I've done.  I could be an angel, and there will  not be a good relationship there,because my mom is deeply troubled.  I can't save her, and i just want to be free.  I have so much to be thankful for - a great husband, eight healthy, fun, smart children.  WHY should i keep letting my mom  ruin every Christmas ("i don't believe in Christmas!"), every summer vacation (because she has to make  everything into a fight with my dad in front of all the grandchildren),and then just randomly.  It  was taking me two weeks to recover from visiting her, and i had physical problems afterwards (my neck and  whole body would be cramped and stiff,  and i'd be weepy).  My sisters would get huge migraines after visiting her.

Basically, it's not kind  to my husband or children to allow her access to me.  They need a wife and a mom who can engage in their daily life,and not be preoccupied by depression and shame and wondering if there is something to all those cruel things she said.  And i'm not going to let her waste any more of my life.  Enough is enough.  I'm stepping out of prison.

October 12, 2013
12:11 pm
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Jules
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I discovered this forum by searching the internet.  It is curious that most online resources are for parents estranged from their adult children.  I very nearly joined that club,  and still could if I don't keep my side of the street clean. My current relationship with my son is actually very good.  I joined the 12-step groups Families Anonymous, CODA and NARANON.  My son joined various 12-step groups including Olganon after he spent two years at The Family Foundation School in Hancock NY. We endured many challenging years leading up to the agreement that he could no longer live at home as he completed high school.  My family of origin can be wonderfully helpful, especially in a material way. Most often dysfunction overshadows or negates their assistance.  I have seriously considered suicide.

I'm very thankful for the strength and courage I've read here.  I am inspired by people who consciously choose to be healthy, happy and detach, in as peaceful a manner they can, from the past.

I am again estranged from my parents.  The first time(s) were short periods lasting between a few weeks to a few months to a year. I cannot recall the precise conflicts that compelled my departures. The last significant rift was in response to the control my mother insists on having in my life and the passive aggressive toxicity of my father.  I made poor decisions as a young adult; rebelling against their control, hurting myself and others, while rejecting my parents. This round is slightly different. My parent's collective resentment has boiled over into other relationships and I feel cut-off from my three younger siblings.  I have been informed that my parents plan on suing me. I have yet to see written notification.  

I hope to work harder at refraining from dwelling on their behavior and from projecting into the future.  They may never file suit. They may always broadcast their condemnation of me to anyone who will listen. I can only work on my actions and reactions.  

 

Sadly, being reactive has been the hallmark of my life.  I am striving to actively choose healthy responses and for now detaching from them is the best choice I have in that regard.  As I do not expect them to ever change,  I need to be strong enough to withstand their verbal abuse if I am to ever be face to face with them again.  That is what drove my search and brought me here.

 

I feel that I need to return to describe more of the history leading up to the current rift at another time.  Right now I simply wanted to respond to Louise's request that we share how we cope with the loss.  

I am learning how to cope, primarily through the program of Codependents Anonymous.  I am fortunate to have a handful of exceptional, compassionate, emotionally healthy friends.  I am crying at night primarily over the loss of my relationships with my siblings, and my nieces and nephew.  I slip into unhealthy self pity when I mourn the years I have lost to my conflict with my parents.  That was then,  this is now.  I keep reminding myself to focus on what I am doing to get healthier today.  It has become an hourly challenge.  The distraction made driving to and from a conference for work especially challenging yesterday.  I am determined not to get myself so overwrought I become physically ill again.  I am determined not to taint every conversation I have with a review of the current "state of disunion".  I failed miserably in this effort often yesterday.  That was yesterday,  this is today.  I'll log on again as soon as I have time.  Thank you for this topic in this forum.  It has been helpful to me today.

October 6, 2013
8:08 am
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sunil
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I have been estranged from my parents for 30 yrs. I have no feelings whatsoever to my parents as I have emotionally convinced myself they died and have been replaced with identical looking dopplegangers. My father was violent, he used to batter me when I spoke back to him, bought something he didnt like, didnt do my homework, changed a TV channel without his permission. He has never apologised and believes he brought me up as a good father. I remember after one particular assault sitting in my bed writing the Poem "My father is a bastard, he's been one all his life". I will never forgive the freak or his wife for letting it happen. They contact me from time to time and ask what it is that they have done that makes me keep my distance from them, in their own eyes they were good parents who provided a roof over my head. I do mourn the loss of relationship, but fuck em they sow what they reap. I will not raise a hand to assist them nor shed a tear when they pass to the next life, they deserve nothing.

October 3, 2013
10:37 pm
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glenn
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Kato said

Jenny said
Anon

The reason parents like me come to this forum is that we are desperately trying to figure out what to do and how our estranged children feel in hopes of insight to mend things.  You are right in that I "hear" my son in every post because I feel enormous guilt for not being good enough that he wants me in his life.  Also, if there is a small chance to get just one family mended by showing both sides...well, to me it seems valuable.  There are many, many reason for estrangement, and much like divorce, some are justified and some are not.  Sometimes there is truly a "wrong", while other times, there is just miscommunication.  If there is hope, though, if someone could get my son to stop being angry, stop blaming, and consider my side and my feelings also, I would be grateful.  In addition, there is extreme pain, and people often are self-absorbed when they are in pain.  I will no longer post here, on this forum.  I did not intend to be disrespectful of anyone.  However, I truly do not understand or appreciate the verbal lashing.

Jenny, I, too, am an estranged parent of an adult child.  Like you, I have come to this site to understand what causes estrangement.  In my case, it happened shortly after my son met his wife.  Though she seems to be fueling this estrangement (perhaps due to her own control and/or insecurity issues).  I think part of the problem is that some estranged adult children came from emotionally, sexually, verbally and/or physically abusive homes.  These adults may feel defensive (as I have at times) when others seem to question or challenge the validity of their stories.  The abused adult child may have been asked, for example, if the abuse was really that bad.  In my case, people wonder if I did something truly bad to cause my son to be so angry at me all the time (and not necessarily understand the complexity of a daughter-in-law feeling threatened and needing to sever a relationship between her husband and his mother).  In other words, people like you and me need to find those adult children who were NOT abused, and have decided to alienate themselves from good and loving parents.  I think part of the problem is that in our current society the term "abuse" is bandied about too easily.  It then has the effect of reduced believability.  It must be difficult for those who were truly abused to feel like they have to convince people that their brand of abuse was serious.  And, of course, people like us may know that our children were never abused, yet because society over-uses the term perfectly good parents often find themselves having to defend against a belief that they must have abused their children first, before they can be heard. 

Wow - Kato, you sound just like my own mother.

I spent my whole life bowing to her demands.  The whole family revolved around her.  I got married in my 40s and she tried to then control my wife.  My wife stood up to her and this triggered a year of my mother trying to destroy my marriage.  She even threatened me that dreadful things would happen to me if I dared to spend christmas with my wife instead of her !!.

After multiple times insulting my wife and threatening me - I cut her off.  Now, after two years of no contact, I am happy, healthy, confident and nobody threatens me or demands of me.  She will of course maintain that ''my wife caused all this.'' because she refuses to take any responsibility for her own behaviour.

I will never, ever, communicate with this woman again.  Not even if my wife were to leave my life.  PS - My wife and I rarely speak of my parents but now call her Edna (Egg Donor Narcissistic Abuser).  My father is no better.  He is Sdne (Sperm Donor Narcissist Enabler).

I dont hear any parent on this site actually acknowledge anything they might have done to abuse their power when their offspring had none - and why that offspring just might have a good reason to remove them.

October 1, 2013
6:32 pm
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elayne
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I have now been estranged from my parents for 2 years. I felt and still feel I have no other choice. My parents were not abusive, evil or divorced. They were, however, completely uninterested in me. All my life they told me I was too sensitive, would be fine and to "get over it". This includes all normal childhood fears, traumas and illness. If I did not feel well, I would be fine and sent to school until the school nurse sent me to emergency. If I was afraid in the night or tortured at school, I would be fine and I should get over it. Any problem I had that I could not solve on my own, including being handed a 10$ bill to go buy a bra at age 10, and handing me a pamphlet when I got my period at age 12..."You can read can't you?" I would be teased mercilessly for months, literally months if not years. They would complain about one another to me for hours on end then in a moment of anger tell me I was just like my other parent. Unfortunately, I knew every detail of exactly what that meant. As time went by I felt less and less emotion for them until nothing was left. Then I ended it.

BUT what really never ceases to amaze me is all these parents that get on here and beg strangers to help them manipulate their child. "Please tell me how I can make my child contact/communicate/forgive me. Please help me make my children guilty enough, to distrust their own judgement enough to endure relationships they feel aren't healthy. Please help me convince my children they owe me xxx for investing time in them. Your genes will carry on,  that is what you get for your investment, not the satisfaction of a human lapdog. Would you have smothered them in their sleep had you known this would happen? 

AS AN estranged child, I DO NOT advise repeated attempts at  rejected contact. To us, it is harassment. We do not want to hear from you. We want time and space to heal. Send something from time to time if you must, but leave it to months between attampts and try to avoid holidays. If we feel you are attempting to manipulate us in any way, it will only renew our anger. I myself still feel a spike of blinding rage and subsequent weakness for days after merely seeing their phone number on my call display. I don't listen to the voice mails at all, nor open letters. I do this not only for my own mental health, but also for theirs because if I were to interact with them before I am ready, I would be nothing but abusive towards them. If you guys were/are/want to be such great parents, trust your kids and let them heal.

September 24, 2013
9:43 pm
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Jaclyn
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My name is Jaclyn and I am 24 years old. I have recently decided to remove my parents from my life. I understand that I am young and many will think I am making an impulsive decision. But please understand this decision came with a heavy heart. My choice to "break up" with my parents comes from a lifelong desire to be treated with respect and love by my parents--it never happened. I grew up with the "children are to be neither seen nor heard" form of parenting and was told I was "stupid" if I ever asked a childlike question such as "why is the sky blue?" or "what are pants made of?" I was told my questioning was "stupid question time" and my parents would laugh at me and not answer my questions. Later in life, having told my mother it hurt me, she told me she and my father were young when they had me and didn't know any better. Sidenote: My mother was 27 and my father was 30 when they had me--not young parents. My father, the person I truly want to get away from, constantly reminded me of my bodily imperfections. His version of beauty is Kate Upton. If you aren't her, you aren't beautiful. He even tells my mother that. I grew up thinking I was ugly and stupid and unworthy of love.My father never told me he loved me nor that he was proud, only that I was "not as pretty as you could be." I've never loved my father. I've tried, but I can't. Over the years, I've grown steadily indifferent to him to the point where he no longer matters to me. If he dies, I will be sad for my mother, but not for myself. 

Choosing to leave my parents was the best thing I could have ever done. I finally feel like an adult and want to get my life and career on track. I do NOT recommend "breaking up" with your parents as a first decision...it was, and is, very hard for me to do. However, a relationship with your parents should be like any relationship you have--it should have trust and love and mutual respect. Mine had none of those. I have no desire to look back or ever speak to my parents again and I do not feel ashamed or "entitled" as some have told me I'm acting. I agree with them, however, that I feel entitled. I am entitled to a relationship with my parents that promotes love and trust. I am entitled to WANT to be around my parents. I am entitled to LOVE MY LIFE. I did not with my parents. So, yes, to all of you who tell me I'm entitled--I am and I'm damned proud to be.

September 17, 2013
12:53 pm
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Jocelyn
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I am 2 weeks of being estranged from my mother. She is a textbook case of a toxic narcisstant parent. I decided that after she accused me of being high or drunk (in church of all places) I was done with her.  That was the last straw. She is emotionally abusive but i think that stems from her thinking everything revolves around her. She said that people were looking at her with pity in their eyes. I seriously doubt that. I went home with my boyfriend (I live on my own and I am 56 years old) After he left I called her, never dreaming I would hear the things she said. I finally decided, after years of the crap that she will never change and I need to protect myself from her and cutting her off was the way for me to go. I tell anyone who dares to tell me what I should do regarding my mother is to walk in my shes for almost 50 years and them come back and judge me.

September 5, 2013
11:18 pm
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pinktopaz84
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Well I'm a little reluctant to post because I don't want to be bombarded by parents that want to defend themselves over my individual story.  But I'll share anyway, in case it helps anyone and if anyone else can relate.  I'm also considering just sending the book by Dr. Coleman to my mother and hopefully she'll get a clue and get over herself.

I always had an okay relationship with my mother, she was a bit abusive growing up and put weird, overprotective ideas in my head (which made me a paranoid adult) but I understand that was out of love.  I recognize what my mother did for me, and yes, I even miss what she used to do for me...even just a plain ham sandwich doesn't taste like how my mom made it!

I don't want to go too much into detail.  But basically the problem started when she and my father started going through a divorce.  I briefly moved in with her so I could save money and pay off some bills. 

I feel that the parent-child dynamic between us changed.  I became the "parent" and she became the "child."  She would lie to me about why she needed money, so I'd give it to her.  She would try to play me against my dad a lot--saying inappropriate things. 

The final straw was when she kicked me because I was going to allow my father to visit while she was gone (he owns the home btw).  I was basically alienated by her side of the family (or at least it feels like it) and not acknowledged by her during the holidays.  I finally told her to never contact me again when she texted me, asking me to leave the key under the mat the next time I was in the area.  To me, that request was just to be cruel.  I had it and that was the last time I "spoke" to her.  That was 8-months ago.

I do miss her sometimes.  But I can't get over the fact that she was just wanting to take from me (she threatened to sue me for money even though I owed her nothing!) and what felt like her just wanting to punish me because I'm related to my father or because I have a better relationship with him than I do with her.

September 4, 2013
9:13 am
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Kato
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Jenny said
Anon

The reason parents like me come to this forum is that we are desperately trying to figure out what to do and how our estranged children feel in hopes of insight to mend things.  You are right in that I "hear" my son in every post because I feel enormous guilt for not being good enough that he wants me in his life.  Also, if there is a small chance to get just one family mended by showing both sides...well, to me it seems valuable.  There are many, many reason for estrangement, and much like divorce, some are justified and some are not.  Sometimes there is truly a "wrong", while other times, there is just miscommunication.  If there is hope, though, if someone could get my son to stop being angry, stop blaming, and consider my side and my feelings also, I would be grateful.  In addition, there is extreme pain, and people often are self-absorbed when they are in pain.  I will no longer post here, on this forum.  I did not intend to be disrespectful of anyone.  However, I truly do not understand or appreciate the verbal lashing.

Jenny, I, too, am an estranged parent of an adult child.  Like you, I have come to this site to understand what causes estrangement.  In my case, it happened shortly after my son met his wife.  Though she seems to be fueling this estrangement (perhaps due to her own control and/or insecurity issues).  I think part of the problem is that some estranged adult children came from emotionally, sexually, verbally and/or physically abusive homes.  These adults may feel defensive (as I have at times) when others seem to question or challenge the validity of their stories.  The abused adult child may have been asked, for example, if the abuse was really that bad.  In my case, people wonder if I did something truly bad to cause my son to be so angry at me all the time (and not necessarily understand the complexity of a daughter-in-law feeling threatened and needing to sever a relationship between her husband and his mother).  In other words, people like you and me need to find those adult children who were NOT abused, and have decided to alienate themselves from good and loving parents.  I think part of the problem is that in our current society the term "abuse" is bandied about too easily.  It then has the effect of reduced believability.  It must be difficult for those who were truly abused to feel like they have to convince people that their brand of abuse was serious.  And, of course, people like us may know that our children were never abused, yet because society over-uses the term perfectly good parents often find themselves having to defend against a belief that they must have abused their children first, before they can be heard. 

September 4, 2013
8:54 am
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Kato
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DoctorD said
I could go on for hours about why I became estranged from my parents. Suffice it to say that it got to the point where every time I saw them, I wanted to kill myself.  My mother was diagnosed as a "malignant narcissist" and her whole life was spent getting the world to focus on her and how to get what she wanted.  I was very low on her list of priorities because I made her divert her attention from herself.   To add insult to injury, I had a very difficult time trying to explain to my friends why I needed to do that.  Some of them were supportive; others made me feel more guilty than I already was with comments like "you're going to regret it," blood is thicker than water," "family comes first," etc. etc.  Isn't it amazing how people are so quick to judge and and give you advice and be totally clueless as to what you went through.  At the height of my frustration with my "unsupportive" friends, I would say "you know what.......my parents were not your parents and maybe as my friend, you'll trust that I did what was best for me."

 

At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself and, if that means "divorcing" your parents, go right ahead and try like hell not to torture yourself with guilt.  If 50% marriages in this country end in divorce, why can't we divorce our parents for the same reason(s) as we divorced our spouses?  Staying in a doomed marriage is just as bad as staying "married" to your parents.  If your parents are toxic to you, get rid of them!!!  

"you know what.......my parents were not your parents and maybe as my friend, you'll trust that I did what was best for me."  I am not religious, Dr. D, but Amen.  I wish all friends could take this advice.  I am so exhausted and discouraged when I hear others give me advice based on who they are and not on who I am.  A little support for decisions we make and trust that even though we may be in pain, it doesn't follow that we made a poor decision.  It is very easy to make a good decision, that is painful and will result in sadness.  In some things no-win situations exist.  I hope people will read your post and take it to heart.

 

September 3, 2013
7:22 pm
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DoctorD
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I could go on for hours about why I became estranged from my parents. Suffice it to say that it got to the point where every time I saw them, I wanted to kill myself.  My mother was diagnosed as a "malignant narcissist" and her whole life was spent getting the world to focus on her and how to get what she wanted.  I was very low on her list of priorities because I made her divert her attention from herself.   To add insult to injury, I had a very difficult time trying to explain to my friends why I needed to do that.  Some of them were supportive; others made me feel more guilty than I already was with comments like "you're going to regret it," blood is thicker than water," "family comes first," etc. etc.  Isn't it amazing how people are so quick to judge and and give you advice and be totally clueless as to what you went through.  At the height of my frustration with my "unsupportive" friends, I would say "you know what.......my parents were not your parents and maybe as my friend, you'll trust that I did what was best for me."

 

At the end of the day, you need to take care of yourself and, if that means "divorcing" your parents, go right ahead and try like hell not to torture yourself with guilt.  If 50% marriages in this country end in divorce, why can't we divorce our parents for the same reason(s) as we divorced our spouses?  Staying in a doomed marriage is just as bad as staying "married" to your parents.  If your parents are toxic to you, get rid of them!!!  

May 11, 2013
2:18 pm
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ITGirl
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I couldn't agree more, these 'parents' negating the feelings  & stories of others who need support by posting on here. This is not the place to practise those narc behaviours.

Jenny,

This part of the forum is supposed to be for estranged children to find support. Would you like to know why estranged children come here, post once or twice and then leave to never come back?

It is because every single time an estranged child posts in this forum an estranged parents feels the need to come over and vomit up their entire story in some bizarre attempt to defend themselves from strangers on the Internet who were not addressing them in any way, shape or form.

Every time we post, you parents bury our stories and thoughts and feelings but regurgitating yet again how it is not your fault. It is rude and disrespectful and it is the reason why this place is not even slightly helpful for us.

May 4, 2013
11:09 am
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LH
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Jenny said
However, I truly do not understand or appreciate the verbal lashing.

This is exactly what Anon said below. We don't understand or appreciate the verbal lashing.

If there is hope, though, if someone could get my son to stop being angry, stop blaming, and consider my side and my feelings also, I would be grateful.

It's hard to be caught in a position where it seems like the only solution is for the other person to change. The truth is, no one can change anyone else. The only person anyone can change is themselves. Sometimes that means we can change ourselves and make the situation better; sometimes all we can do is change ourselves and leave the situation, or learn to see it differently.

This is cliched advice, but have you considered getting counseling? It sounds like you're very depressed and have gotten as much insight into your relationship with your son as you can on your own. A counselor would be able to help on both counts.

May 4, 2013
7:02 am
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Jenny
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Anon

The reason parents like me come to this forum is that we are desperately trying to figure out what to do and how our estranged children feel in hopes of insight to mend things.  You are right in that I "hear" my son in every post because I feel enormous guilt for not being good enough that he wants me in his life.  Also, if there is a small chance to get just one family mended by showing both sides...well, to me it seems valuable.  There are many, many reason for estrangement, and much like divorce, some are justified and some are not.  Sometimes there is truly a "wrong", while other times, there is just miscommunication.  If there is hope, though, if someone could get my son to stop being angry, stop blaming, and consider my side and my feelings also, I would be grateful.  In addition, there is extreme pain, and people often are self-absorbed when they are in pain.  I will no longer post here, on this forum.  I did not intend to be disrespectful of anyone.  However, I truly do not understand or appreciate the verbal lashing.

May 3, 2013
5:01 pm
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Anon
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Jenny,

This part of the forum is supposed to be for estranged children to find support. Would you like to know why estranged children come here, post once or twice and then leave to never come back?

It is because every single time an estranged child posts in this forum an estranged parents feels the need to come over and vomit up their entire story in some bizarre attempt to defend themselves from strangers on the Internet who were not addressing them in any way, shape or form.

Every time we post, you parents bury our stories and thoughts and feelings but regurgitating yet again how it is not your fault. It is rude and disrespectful and it is the reason why this place is not even slightly helpful for us.

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