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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
April 3, 2016
8:29 pm
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judith
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Karen said
I'm 26 years old and I've been out of contact with my abusive parents for 2 years now, after having lived with them on and off from 15-21. I know I've made growth in the past two years that would not have been possible with them in my life, and am much happier without their influence. However, I am still often struck with the pain in my chest that I am ultimately fundamentally unloved and alone. It makes me feel like an alien. I wonder what people who do have their parents love feel like. I imagine their baseline emotions must be very different than mine. I wonder what I look like to them. I have two brothers, the older of which is similarly out of contact with our parents, so I'm fortunate to have a sibling who has a shared experience, even if we were isolated from each other in that experience. I've long since accepted that my parents cannot love me and attempted to move on. 

Yes Karen - it's incredibly hard to realise we've been unloved and alone - and it's not surprising that it hurts when the reality of where you've come from hits you again - I too have felt like an alien - being loved allows one to automatically believe and know one is lovable of course - because why would it ever occur that you're not loved if you were regularly told you're loved?

Karen said
I'm 26 years old and I've been out of contact with my abusive parents for 2 years now, after having lived with them on and off from 15-21. I know I've made growth in the past two years that would not have been possible with them in my life, and am much happier without their influence. However, I am still often struck with the pain in my chest that I am ultimately fundamentally unloved and alone. It makes me feel like an alien. I wonder what people who do have their parents love feel like. I imagine their baseline emotions must be very different than mine. I wonder what I look like to them. I have two brothers, the older of which is similarly out of contact with our parents, so I'm fortunate to have a sibling who has a shared experience, even if we were isolated from each other in that experience. I've long since accepted that my parents cannot love me and attempted to move on. 

Karen said
I'm 26 years old and I've been out of contact with my abusive parents for 2 years now, after having lived with them on and off from 15-21. I know I've made growth in the past two years that would not have been possible with them in my life, and am much happier without their influence. However, I am still often struck with the pain in my chest that I am ultimately fundamentally unloved and alone. It makes me feel like an alien. I wonder what people who do have their parents love feel like. I imagine their baseline emotions must be very different than mine. I wonder what I look like to them. I have two brothers, the older of which is similarly out of contact with our parents, so I'm fortunate to have a sibling who has a shared experience, even if we were isolated from each other in that experience. I've long since accepted that my parents cannot love me and attempted to move on. 

Karen said
I'm 26 years old and I've been out of contact with my abusive parents for 2 years now, after having lived with them on and off from 15-21. I know I've made growth in the past two years that would not have been possible with them in my life, and am much happier without their influence. However, I am still often struck with the pain in my chest that I am ultimately fundamentally unloved and alone. It makes me feel like an alien. I wonder what people who do have their parents love feel like. I imagine their baseline emotions must be very different than mine. I wonder what I look like to them. I have two brothers, the older of which is similarly out of contact with our parents, so I'm fortunate to have a sibling who has a shared experience, even if we were isolated from each other in that experience. I've long since accepted that my parents cannot love me and attempted to move on. 

That's our loss those words that one should have been able to take for granted - every child deserves to be loved and protected and valued - and that is what we're left with - Inner Child work is the task we're faced with - raising our own 'inner child' in the way it should have been way back - I only wish when i was bringing up my own children that there'd been therapy and info about domestic violence and the unacceptability of all of that - I just had no idea that a) I had choices and b) that I wouldn't be struck down by God for wanting out of my marriage !

To think back that I actually feared being  punished for wanting a divorce just shows how incredibly naive and unworldly I was in those days - Its so good that you've got so much more information these days about all of that -we're all lovable  - yes I know the feeling especially around Mothers Day and Xmas and all those 'family' days when it feels like the whole world around is celebrating together but we're out here alone - I've felt like a child with it's nose pressed up against the windowpane watching everyone all together - And now that my grandmother,grandfather, mother, father  and the rest of the family(being an only child' are all dead and gone at my age i still feel like an orphan.   It's something that society pushes on us - though there are many who appear to the outside world to be oh so loving and caring but behind closed doors it's a different story.  I wonder if you've come across author Alice Miller a world renowned writer/psychotherapist who wrote The Drama of The Gifted Child,  &  Breaking Down the Walls of Silence  & For Your Own Good - she opened the prison gates for me - gave me permission to condemn my mother's monstrous behaviour and the way she defended my father's violence saying he was 'ill and couldn't help it'  which in turn gave the message that I should make allowances for violent adult relationships - I was left with the message that my body wasn't worth saving which in turn led to me walking into and remaining too long in abusive/violent relationships - that is the danger of children being hit and nobody standing up and condemning it.  ((Hugs)) lots of love xx  

April 3, 2016
7:41 pm
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judith
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carolyn said
Anonymouse, these forums are for supporting and showing understanding and compassion.  You may think you are helping but your approach is rather harsh and presumptuous.  We are all hurting and feel bad enough about ourselves;  we do not need to be preached to by a stranger but need encouraging words.

Well Carolyn I've only just this minute seen your reply to 'Anonymouse' I have to say it's rare for anyone to be standing up for me - that's so kind of you - I've just written my response because this is the first time I've even read their views - I thought it was a bit presumptuous to be speaking for the masses when clearly it was a very embittered post - I can't help thinking it was either because I'd condemned hitting children and reported it or my damning comments about closets and what they put me through!  Whatever!   I couldn't give a shit basically- it seems they're pretty unhappy - I can honestly say that I do find happiness in certain things - singing, music (having been a musician /singer/writer) and really adore the movies - Hope you're doing Ok - I don't think we EVER really fully recover from losing parental love - my mother died unaware of her whereabouts and having changed her number by my 18th birthday - her behaviour was absolutely monstrous - to tell your child that you wished they'd died instead of their father and that 'nobody would look at her' is truly monstrous - but clearly she was as sick as a parrot!!  Alice Miller the renowned therapist /author opened the prison gates for me - gave me permission to condemn my mother's behaviour - She said 'Honour they mother and father - WHAT no matter what they did ?  No Way!'  If we don't condemn our cruel childhoods we are at risk of repeating similar on our own children as she rightly explained - to remain in denial risks repeating history and a revolving door (((Hug)))x

April 3, 2016
7:17 pm
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Judith
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Anonymouse said

Judith said
I'm now pretty disillusioned regarding these forums -  they don't really seem to be visited much 

I too had a highly abusive mother who I'm sure had designs on me - the dumped me in a boarding 'school' run by a couple of violent perverted closet gay females

My mother it then occurred to me was also closet and perhaps sent me

to that place in order to convert  me!   It didn't

My mother died somewhere I was unaware of her address - but even before that I'd been denied her phone number since the age of 18 

The upset and grief and distress all of her behaviour - the way I was treated at the 'school'  two boys killed themselves one by jumping off Beachy Head the other climbing halfway down another cliff while his brother was on holiday, overdosed and took 3 days to die 

Another who died crashing his motorbike while high on drugs  - I overdosed at the age of 14 when my mother took up with a stepfather and I was then installed in that boarding 'school' left there for a Xmas and also during summer holidays for my birthday - How did I get through all of what has been done to me - my sons since I got off the appallingly prescribed Valium after 15yrs of being effectively in a straitjacket - during which time I was incapable and unable to reach back to the past and unravel the causes of my trauma and suicidal depression - have backed away from me and don't want to know

I've given more than 22yrs of faithful service and cooked, cleaned and debased myself repeatedly apologising for a lot of stuff that wasn't my fault in fact - in order to try and change the atmosphere -

They have the impression that strong emotions e.g. crying  are  just not acceptable -

My oldest son's wife is of the same mind and un believably chastised me in my own home for crying ' Oh don't start crying now you're only trying to delay us!'  

At that point I'd endured a 2nd violent relationship that took 2yrs to kick him out of my own home - and had had my head battered against my hall wall and dragged the length of the house by my collar - trapped in my larder like an animal under the shelves having to grab a knife to defend myself 

On another occasion was locked out of my own home while he threw bowls of water at me from the kitchen window as I crouched like a stray cat on my own driveway.   At one point I'd sobbed down the phone to my son and his wife over what my neighbours were also doing (they including ex in-laws related to the father of my two children were running a hate campaign to try and drive me from the former matrimonial home- and it wasn't as though I'd taken it over without buying him out and providing him with his half - No it was to do with my having found out one of the ex's brothers had actually been in prison (I'd visited him unaware of the crime but taking it for granted he'd been thieving again) instead it was for sexually abusing ALL 3 of his baby daughters - the SHOCK and HORROR of being told and the worry that some of that family or indeed the ex had interfered with my sons -  It's the not knowing that now haunts me 

I got back from abroad to find my next door neighbour had YET AGAIN caused more damage to a clematis climbing on MY garage the outside wall stood on our boundary - the sloping roof facing her side where a lot of clematis had been growing has been totally ripped off and shoved over the top and bundled in a heap on the roof facing my side - before that it was my very large cherry tree that my youngest used to climb when he was about ten - it was clearly poisoned because a sapling grown beside this big tree was also stone dead - 

And before the cherry tree they'd slowly poisoned the virginia creeper that covered all of my garage and then once again while away that too was ripped off - she hates leaves in her garden!  But her behaviour resurrects other incidents - last year she called the Fire Brigade over a small bonfire burning garden rubbish - the Fireman who came into my back garden's immediate comment was 'Well this isn't going anywhere! - and 'It's blowing in the opposite direction!'

Before that her son in law had thrown a stone at my newly installed French windows and smashed one of the panes -  This was in retalliation for my taking matters into my own hands after years of obstruction and two blockages of our shared sewer under our shared manhole cover -

My garden being a foot lower than hers in the front garden the  caste iron heavy manhole cover had broken at the corner from my car passing over it - twice with blockages I was forced to pay for a plumber to clear the sewage - the 2nd time the plumber pointed out it was sand trickling through over time that had eventually reduced the sewer pipe opening- It was her son-in-law who'd made a bodge of the brick blockwork of her drive and front garden - placing some loose bricks over their half of the manhole cover under which he'd poured a thick layer of sand -and of course the sand due to the split in the manhole cover had gradually poured through over time  - So eventually in desperation I had someone come to install a new manhole cover and having it sited entirely on my side - Despite the neat job that was made of all of that and the replacing of the brick blockwork there was no thanks but smashing of my window - that occurred around 2011 -

Additionally I also had to put up with the humiliation of this woman screaming at me the day her son-in-law was carrying out the work on her brick blockwork driveway - I said that I wished they could've given me warning that it was going to be done in order to replace the damaged manhole cover where upon she yelled 'Look at you, look at yourself in the mirror what man would want you?'  I was so shocked all I could think of saying was ' Lilian when are you going to start behaving like  decent human being?' I could've said and perhaps should've 'Well your face will never launch a thousand ships that's for sure!!' 

Before that back in the 90s after getting shot of the 2nd violent man in  my house - those neighbours combined with the others living in the property adjoining  my semi detached home broke through my pantry window and removed my stereo separates plus the speakers -

They were all found bagged up in bin liners in the ex's aunt's driveway (living the other side of those neighbours in the adjoining house - she along with the ex inlaws have all that hidden agenda and of course this horrible creature in the unattached property whose late husband (not suprisingly topped himself back in 2003/4 by deliberately electrocuting himself while doing a job - it was only a couple of weeks before this I heard her yelling at him 'You know we can't stand the sight of each other!!'  In the newspaper following his suicide confirmed by an autopsy - she described their relationship as  'Soulmates'   

Soon after my divorce began he'd come onto my property under orders of course - because after a rare late supermarket shop around 9.30pm on a Friday night I'd forgotten to turn off my car radio - I heard a loud bang on my door  - opened it to have him sneer 'So what're you doing about this music then?'  As I stepped towards my car in my own driveway barely 3 ' from my doorstep he got there first wrenched the driver's door open then RAMMED it against my thigh - meanwhile her indoors who has to be obeyed was yelling ' You drove a whole family out - 

I'd rightly reported to social services hearing a blow inflicted through my party wall during domestic strife - and appeared from the sobbing toddler to have landed on her - it turned out the father was newly promoted to CID - I'm sure you can imagine what happened to me after that -  in fact the only decent policeman that attended the theft of my stereo separates he confirmed it wasn't me who'd driven out that family because they were already divorcing!  - that same night of this man's assault a boy came to my door saying he'd heard her shouting that I was 'having young boys in my house!'   so I told him he'd better make himself scarce as well - Having reported this police officer and due to the ex's cousin being high up in police transport division I was then subjectd to late night panda car visits intimidatingly suggesting my report to the social services was purely vindictive - which it wasn't 

This woman or rather 'creature' clearly needs help and obviously got bullied in childhood which has also turned her into an adult bully - but instead of dealing with her own unease and inability to cope with the partner's abrupt departure - distracts herself by trying to make my life as miserable as possible - but I've not responded to this last criminal act nor did I respond to her reporting my bonfire - But I think now I should erect CCTV to catch the culprit next time -  And if that wasn't all bad enough the next family that took over the adjoining property was soon 'befriended'  by the ex's aunt and soon I was being subjected to African parrots piercing screeching bird calls that turned into nearly 10yrs of intermittent psychological assault - the birds cages were stood right up against both bedroom party walls and would begin as early as 6am just before they went to work - I then allowed a Community Psychiatric Nurse start visiting purely to register to everyone that someone was actually stepping over my doorstep -I'd tried calling my eldest son only living about 1hour 20 mins away -- was sobbing down the phone but was cut off and then when I called back was constantly 'engaged' the phone operator confirmed the phone was left off the hook and I was so distraught and fearful after all that was being done to me they put me straight through to Samaritans -and Victim Support were of no help whatsoever - and of course police once you'v reported one of their lot you've nowhere to go!  Hence I got no support during a 3rd violent male's appearance here - desperately looking for some protection!   

Judith--

Your son estranged you because you are all drama, more drama, and yet more melodrama.  It's exhausting just to read, I can imagine your kids having to dealing with it.  

The problem is not your kids, your mother, your exes, your neighbors, the police, your boarding school.  The problem is you use drama the same way an addict uses drugs or alcohol--to avoid dealing with your own self.

please get therapy and understand the problems in your life are how you deal with decisions and your emotions.  

People cannot stand the amount of drama and blame and victimization you surround yourself with, and they wash their hands of you.  You are overwhelming.  

This is not uncommon for people who did not get adequate nurturing and love as a child.  They spend their lives unconsciously setting up scenarios hoping to be rescued, loved and nurtured.  But they never will be, because almost nobody can deal with that constant level of hysterical drama. It drains people of their very souls.  

Your sons can't save you; but they can save themselves, and you can learn to save yourself and to give yourself all that was denied you in childhood and learn to have a happier life.  And when you do that, your sons will come back.

Well considering your reply Mr /Ms Anonymous - is 1 April could it be an April Fool?  Whatever, at least I have the courage to write my own name and be who I really am - not very brave to come forward with such a judgmental attitude - I wonder if you're in the UK or USA - I never expected my children to 'rescue' me in fact I did my damnedest to save my children and remained in a godawful marriage to ensure their godawful father wouldn't/couldn't hit them - I've done 'inner child therapy' and EMDR and Body psychotherapy developed by Gerda Boyesen from Wilhelm Reich's original idea of unloading trauma from the body's muscle and tissue - SOOH sorry my words have 'drained' your poor fragile uncompassionate little soul - I do feel really sorry for you ! Clearly you can't possibly have experienced much in life if my moderate blog has caused you to get your knickers in a twist  - I'm really sorry  latest blog appears to you to be nothing but 'drama' and 'melodrama' rather than real life -My sons are in fact NOT totally estranged in the way you think I mean - my youngest was driven out of this country thanks to his paedophile father communicating with his ex wife's mother who was also from a violent background - Both of my sons I felt in order to save them from my depression which I didn't realise at the time was caused by the criminally prescribed cocktails of Valium etc - I sent them to the naval boarding school just 10 miles away us having been ex naval  personnel - in fact my whole childhood family contributed much to this country - aside from fighting in WW1 and WW2 my late great grandfather was Paymaster General  and responsible for repatriating and the exchange of all British PoWs for which he also refused to be paid (unlike present parliamentarians)  He refused to carry on negotiating with the Turks etc having taken part in Peace Talks in Berne - He also refused to pick the most senior military personnel but said he'd PAY to get them ALL back and this is what he did - according to documentation of that time some 800,000 were brought back - my grandfather was a Belgian trenches survivor -  my father a Dutch/Italian served in Royal Dutch Army in WW2 and my mother in the WRNS - and I was a naval wife - I also witnessed lynchings and beatings of black South Africans between 1948-'51 when my nylon dress caught light sustaining 3rd degree over more than 55% - I survived against all expectations and indeed wasn't even expected to have children never mind get married!!!

Sadly at the age of 18 my self worth was almost non existent - but after the multitude of therapy I've done that is changed quite radically- the reason for my last blog was written in the lead up and around Mother's Day, the anniversary of my grandmother's death (my only childhood home I'd struggled to get back to without success) the way she died through serious medical negligence - Easter being the anniversary of being dumped by my wonderful mother in foster care rather than allowing me back to my grandmother after a brief hospital discharge from 2yrs of agonising burns treatment/ surgery - yes it was VERY tough but I got through it despite having NO family visits - other patients would lend me their overflow which I didn't appreciate - I'd prefer none to having strangers - I note that Mr/Ms Anonymous you appear to be speaking for 'people' who cannot stand the drama - I think it's wiser to be writing from your own point of view rather than second guess other 'people' who you simply don't even know - and more than likely don't even agree with your spiel - might I suggest you read some of world renowned author  Alice Miller's 'The Drama of the Gifted Child and For  Your Own Good and other well known books - she rightly stated that those who remain in denial about their own rotten childhood usually shoot down and attempt to gag those who dare to tell their truth - is it possible that my condemnation of closet gays has got up your nose as well - or the fact that I condemned and reported the hitting of a child ? The night I wrote that blog I was mourning the loss of many years that me and my sons could and should have been allowed free of the ghastly Valium - as they say it's better out than in - my son rang me just two days ago after I sent Easter presents for my grandchild and asked if we might meet either 16 May or 24 when they return from a holiday in the Isle of Wight - I can congratulate myself on the amount of therapy I've done and enormous amounts of self development - I've been going Co-Da which if you're a 'yank' you're sure to know about plus Al-Anon and Adult Child of the Alcoholic - is it possible you're a dry one?  Whatever sorry that you didn't have the guts to own your own condemnations - but there you go as well known source once said ' A life Unexamined is Not Worth The Living Of!!  The Truth Shall Set You Free and it did me- The night I wrote those words I was having an anxiety /panic attack and feared my future -  sometimes everything can seem like it's piling in one - Its rather strange that I should've come back to look on this site for the first time after weeks of not bothering - I'm sure I'm a bit psychic - As I've said before I never expected my sons to 'save' me they're struggling with their own lives - one is a senior manager at the Queen's bank in The Strand in London and his brother is teaching English as a foreign language in Russia who I am worried about but I guess he'll sort himself out when he's got over the breakup with the girl he went out there for - like me he was done over by someone he got involved with because like me he has a kind and soft heart - we learn by our mistakes - both of my sons were actually my heroes - my youngest would sit holding my hand while i cried trapped in that  benzodiazepine strait jacket I'd unknowingly and trustingly allowed a quack to inflict on me - which in turn covered up my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - How lucky for  me that my grandmother's geriatrician alerted me to her medical negligence and that I'd just begun dispensing prescriptions in a GP surgery where for the first time I got access to all the shocking drug data - warnings such as 'possible brain damage with long term use' and 'amnesia' which pushed me to self imposed 'cold turkey' withdrawal was agonising but I guess the pain from my accident prepared me - if I hadn't got myself off more than likely I would be dead  - It's a very long time since I ever rang my son sobbing down the phone the early 90s- that occurred shortly after I was nearly battered to death by the 2nd violent creature in my home - the father of my children tried to strangle me as I was kicking him out - and I'd no idea he had paedophilic tendencies according to a post mistress who complained he was 'obsessed with her little granddaughter' The police involvement was down to my ex's cousin also police and their efforts to discredit me before the fact that two of my ex's brothers were also paedophiles - which gave me the shock of my life fearing that my own children might have been touched by one of them - Not surprising when one remembers all of that around anniversary times that it briefly sends you off the deep end - In any case nobody's forced to read ALL of what I wrote - you can stop reading at any point - you response smacks of denial.

April 2, 2016
8:14 am
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carolyn
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Anonymouse, these forums are for supporting and showing understanding and compassion.  You may think you are helping but your approach is rather harsh and presumptuous.  We are all hurting and feel bad enough about ourselves;  we do not need to be preached to by a stranger but need encouraging words.

April 1, 2016
6:46 pm
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Anonymouse
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Judith said
I'm now pretty disillusioned regarding these forums -  they don't really seem to be visited much 

I too had a highly abusive mother who I'm sure had designs on me - the dumped me in a boarding 'school' run by a couple of violent perverted closet gay females

My mother it then occurred to me was also closet and perhaps sent me

to that place in order to convert  me!   It didn't

My mother died somewhere I was unaware of her address - but even before that I'd been denied her phone number since the age of 18 

The upset and grief and distress all of her behaviour - the way I was treated at the 'school'  two boys killed themselves one by jumping off Beachy Head the other climbing halfway down another cliff while his brother was on holiday, overdosed and took 3 days to die 

Another who died crashing his motorbike while high on drugs  - I overdosed at the age of 14 when my mother took up with a stepfather and I was then installed in that boarding 'school' left there for a Xmas and also during summer holidays for my birthday - How did I get through all of what has been done to me - my sons since I got off the appallingly prescribed Valium after 15yrs of being effectively in a straitjacket - during which time I was incapable and unable to reach back to the past and unravel the causes of my trauma and suicidal depression - have backed away from me and don't want to know

I've given more than 22yrs of faithful service and cooked, cleaned and debased myself repeatedly apologising for a lot of stuff that wasn't my fault in fact - in order to try and change the atmosphere -

They have the impression that strong emotions e.g. crying  are  just not acceptable -

My oldest son's wife is of the same mind and un believably chastised me in my own home for crying ' Oh don't start crying now you're only trying to delay us!'  

At that point I'd endured a 2nd violent relationship that took 2yrs to kick him out of my own home - and had had my head battered against my hall wall and dragged the length of the house by my collar - trapped in my larder like an animal under the shelves having to grab a knife to defend myself 

On another occasion was locked out of my own home while he threw bowls of water at me from the kitchen window as I crouched like a stray cat on my own driveway.   At one point I'd sobbed down the phone to my son and his wife over what my neighbours were also doing (they including ex in-laws related to the father of my two children were running a hate campaign to try and drive me from the former matrimonial home- and it wasn't as though I'd taken it over without buying him out and providing him with his half - No it was to do with my having found out one of the ex's brothers had actually been in prison (I'd visited him unaware of the crime but taking it for granted he'd been thieving again) instead it was for sexually abusing ALL 3 of his baby daughters - the SHOCK and HORROR of being told and the worry that some of that family or indeed the ex had interfered with my sons -  It's the not knowing that now haunts me 

I got back from abroad to find my next door neighbour had YET AGAIN caused more damage to a clematis climbing on MY garage the outside wall stood on our boundary - the sloping roof facing her side where a lot of clematis had been growing has been totally ripped off and shoved over the top and bundled in a heap on the roof facing my side - before that it was my very large cherry tree that my youngest used to climb when he was about ten - it was clearly poisoned because a sapling grown beside this big tree was also stone dead - 

And before the cherry tree they'd slowly poisoned the virginia creeper that covered all of my garage and then once again while away that too was ripped off - she hates leaves in her garden!  But her behaviour resurrects other incidents - last year she called the Fire Brigade over a small bonfire burning garden rubbish - the Fireman who came into my back garden's immediate comment was 'Well this isn't going anywhere! - and 'It's blowing in the opposite direction!'

Before that her son in law had thrown a stone at my newly installed French windows and smashed one of the panes -  This was in retalliation for my taking matters into my own hands after years of obstruction and two blockages of our shared sewer under our shared manhole cover -

My garden being a foot lower than hers in the front garden the  caste iron heavy manhole cover had broken at the corner from my car passing over it - twice with blockages I was forced to pay for a plumber to clear the sewage - the 2nd time the plumber pointed out it was sand trickling through over time that had eventually reduced the sewer pipe opening- It was her son-in-law who'd made a bodge of the brick blockwork of her drive and front garden - placing some loose bricks over their half of the manhole cover under which he'd poured a thick layer of sand -and of course the sand due to the split in the manhole cover had gradually poured through over time  - So eventually in desperation I had someone come to install a new manhole cover and having it sited entirely on my side - Despite the neat job that was made of all of that and the replacing of the brick blockwork there was no thanks but smashing of my window - that occurred around 2011 -

Additionally I also had to put up with the humiliation of this woman screaming at me the day her son-in-law was carrying out the work on her brick blockwork driveway - I said that I wished they could've given me warning that it was going to be done in order to replace the damaged manhole cover where upon she yelled 'Look at you, look at yourself in the mirror what man would want you?'  I was so shocked all I could think of saying was ' Lilian when are you going to start behaving like  decent human being?' I could've said and perhaps should've 'Well your face will never launch a thousand ships that's for sure!!' 

Before that back in the 90s after getting shot of the 2nd violent man in  my house - those neighbours combined with the others living in the property adjoining  my semi detached home broke through my pantry window and removed my stereo separates plus the speakers -

They were all found bagged up in bin liners in the ex's aunt's driveway (living the other side of those neighbours in the adjoining house - she along with the ex inlaws have all that hidden agenda and of course this horrible creature in the unattached property whose late husband (not suprisingly topped himself back in 2003/4 by deliberately electrocuting himself while doing a job - it was only a couple of weeks before this I heard her yelling at him 'You know we can't stand the sight of each other!!'  In the newspaper following his suicide confirmed by an autopsy - she described their relationship as  'Soulmates'   

Soon after my divorce began he'd come onto my property under orders of course - because after a rare late supermarket shop around 9.30pm on a Friday night I'd forgotten to turn off my car radio - I heard a loud bang on my door  - opened it to have him sneer 'So what're you doing about this music then?'  As I stepped towards my car in my own driveway barely 3 ' from my doorstep he got there first wrenched the driver's door open then RAMMED it against my thigh - meanwhile her indoors who has to be obeyed was yelling ' You drove a whole family out - 

I'd rightly reported to social services hearing a blow inflicted through my party wall during domestic strife - and appeared from the sobbing toddler to have landed on her - it turned out the father was newly promoted to CID - I'm sure you can imagine what happened to me after that -  in fact the only decent policeman that attended the theft of my stereo separates he confirmed it wasn't me who'd driven out that family because they were already divorcing!  - that same night of this man's assault a boy came to my door saying he'd heard her shouting that I was 'having young boys in my house!'   so I told him he'd better make himself scarce as well - Having reported this police officer and due to the ex's cousin being high up in police transport division I was then subjectd to late night panda car visits intimidatingly suggesting my report to the social services was purely vindictive - which it wasn't 

This woman or rather 'creature' clearly needs help and obviously got bullied in childhood which has also turned her into an adult bully - but instead of dealing with her own unease and inability to cope with the partner's abrupt departure - distracts herself by trying to make my life as miserable as possible - but I've not responded to this last criminal act nor did I respond to her reporting my bonfire - But I think now I should erect CCTV to catch the culprit next time -  And if that wasn't all bad enough the next family that took over the adjoining property was soon 'befriended'  by the ex's aunt and soon I was being subjected to African parrots piercing screeching bird calls that turned into nearly 10yrs of intermittent psychological assault - the birds cages were stood right up against both bedroom party walls and would begin as early as 6am just before they went to work - I then allowed a Community Psychiatric Nurse start visiting purely to register to everyone that someone was actually stepping over my doorstep -I'd tried calling my eldest son only living about 1hour 20 mins away -- was sobbing down the phone but was cut off and then when I called back was constantly 'engaged' the phone operator confirmed the phone was left off the hook and I was so distraught and fearful after all that was being done to me they put me straight through to Samaritans -and Victim Support were of no help whatsoever - and of course police once you'v reported one of their lot you've nowhere to go!  Hence I got no support during a 3rd violent male's appearance here - desperately looking for some protection!   

Judith--

Your son estranged you because you are all drama, more drama, and yet more melodrama.  It's exhausting just to read, I can imagine your kids having to dealing with it.  

The problem is not your kids, your mother, your exes, your neighbors, the police, your boarding school.  The problem is you use drama the same way an addict uses drugs or alcohol--to avoid dealing with your own self.

please get therapy and understand the problems in your life are how you deal with decisions and your emotions.  

People cannot stand the amount of drama and blame and victimization you surround yourself with, and they wash their hands of you.  You are overwhelming.  

This is not uncommon for people who did not get adequate nurturing and love as a child.  They spend their lives unconsciously setting up scenarios hoping to be rescued, loved and nurtured.  But they never will be, because almost nobody can deal with that constant level of hysterical drama. It drains people of their very souls.  

Your sons can't save you; but they can save themselves, and you can learn to save yourself and to give yourself all that was denied you in childhood and learn to have a happier life.  And when you do that, your sons will come back.

April 1, 2016
12:25 pm
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Karen
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I'm 26 years old and I've been out of contact with my abusive parents for 2 years now, after having lived with them on and off from 15-21. I know I've made growth in the past two years that would not have been possible with them in my life, and am much happier without their influence. However, I am still often struck with the pain in my chest that I am ultimately fundamentally unloved and alone. It makes me feel like an alien. I wonder what people who do have their parents love feel like. I imagine their baseline emotions must be very different than mine. I wonder what I look like to them. I have two brothers, the older of which is similarly out of contact with our parents, so I'm fortunate to have a sibling who has a shared experience, even if we were isolated from each other in that experience. I've long since accepted that my parents cannot love me and attempted to move on. 

March 30, 2016
10:33 am
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LH
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fred said

LH:

Our philosophies, thresholds of help, continuity and integrity of marriage vows, tolerance of emotional abuse, assumptions about written quandaries, respect for Dr. Coleman's theories, true meaning of this forum, and most assuredly speed reading, are polar.  I've had enough. Thank you for "certified" wisdom. Have a glorious day, afternoon, and weekend.

You do realize that "this forum" is the adult children's side, yes?

Our reading comprehension skills are also polar.

In any case, your difficulty seeing others' points of view shines out bright and strong. I tell you that people nowadays often stay married after one partner transitions, and you say my stance on the "continuity and integrity of marriage vows" is opposite your own? So you're for breaking said vows?

And you advocate breaking those vows even when the people involved want to stay married, and don't feel the anguish you yourself would feel in their place?

After repeatedly having this pointed out to you, you're still unable to imagine any response to a partner's transition other than pain and betrayal. You still assert that the daughter feels what you would feel, despite anything in the description hinting at that, and despite her parting from her mother because her mother expressed disapproval of her husband. You really can't see that not everyone feels exactly the same as you... or if they feel differently, then they're wrong.

Can you see how this may have contributed to your estrangement from your son?

 

 

(Don't worry, I know the answer is "No.")

March 30, 2016
9:34 am
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fred
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LH said

fred said 

You seem to be confused, I stopped talking to my son. I will always love him, and miss him. However, I refuse to accept his immature, abusive behaviour. My oldest kid has two masters, and a doctorate in Leadership Education.  All her degrees are from Ivy League institutions. My middle kid is a Vice President at a major bank. My man/boy was raised exactly the same as my daughters.  He has a choice, grow the hell up or he is going to lose his wonderful, supportive Mama, and his wonderful , supportive sisters. I've had enough! Enjoy your day, and thank your advice.

What is his immature, abusive behavior?

LH:

Our philosophies, thresholds of help, continuity and integrity of marriage vows, tolerance of emotional abuse, assumptions about written quandaries, respect for Dr. Coleman's theories, true meaning of this forum, and most assuredly speed reading, are polar.  I've had enough. Thank you for "certified" wisdom. Have a glorious day, afternoon, and weekend.

March 30, 2016
8:27 am
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LH
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fred said 

You seem to be confused, I stopped talking to my son. I will always love him, and miss him. However, I refuse to accept his immature, abusive behaviour. My oldest kid has two masters, and a doctorate in Leadership Education.  All her degrees are from Ivy League institutions. My middle kid is a Vice President at a major bank. My man/boy was raised exactly the same as my daughters.  He has a choice, grow the hell up or he is going to lose his wonderful, supportive Mama, and his wonderful , supportive sisters. I've had enough! Enjoy your day, and thank your advice.

What is his immature, abusive behavior?

March 29, 2016
9:30 am
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fred
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LH said

fred said

Hello Freemybrain:

Nice to hear another educated, and experienced belief about our conflicted adult children. I go back and forth about cutting off contact with my adult son. And yes, I agree with some of your thoughts from a certified perspective.  However, when speaking specifically from my pain, i chose the no contact standpoint to give my ungrateful man/boy an opportunity to simply reflect, and for him to utilize some strong, estranged critical thinking.  I know my man/boy loves me, I know that I am a good parent, I also know that all the love and concern I've graced him with, has been to know avail. I choose to take another road. Maybe, hopefully, he will walk down a much more mentally healthy, adult avenue, and we can meet somewhere to stroll together with a newfound respect for each other.

Fred, this is the section for adult children, not for parents.

But in the spirit of helping you with your estrangement: Stop calling your son a "man/boy." Leaking contempt all over your relationship with him is the last thing that's going to make him want to talk to you again.

You seem to be confused, I stopped talking to my son. I will always love him, and miss him. However, I refuse to accept his immature, abusive behaviour. My oldest kid has two masters, and a doctorate in Leadership Education.  All her degrees are from Ivy League institutions. My middle kid is a Vice President at a major bank. My man/boy was raised exactly the same as my daughters.  He has a choice, grow the hell up or he is going to lose his wonderful, supportive Mama, and his wonderful , supportive sisters. I've had enough! Enjoy your day, and thank your advice.

March 28, 2016
10:19 am
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LH
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fred said

Hello Freemybrain:

Nice to hear another educated, and experienced belief about our conflicted adult children. I go back and forth about cutting off contact with my adult son. And yes, I agree with some of your thoughts from a certified perspective.  However, when speaking specifically from my pain, i chose the no contact standpoint to give my ungrateful man/boy an opportunity to simply reflect, and for him to utilize some strong, estranged critical thinking.  I know my man/boy loves me, I know that I am a good parent, I also know that all the love and concern I've graced him with, has been to know avail. I choose to take another road. Maybe, hopefully, he will walk down a much more mentally healthy, adult avenue, and we can meet somewhere to stroll together with a newfound respect for each other.

Fred, this is the section for adult children, not for parents.

But in the spirit of helping you with your estrangement: Stop calling your son a "man/boy." Leaking contempt all over your relationship with him is the last thing that's going to make him want to talk to you again.

March 24, 2016
2:39 am
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fred
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Hello Freemybrain:

Nice to hear another educated, and experienced belief about our conflicted adult children. I go back and forth about cutting off contact with my adult son. And yes, I agree with some of your thoughts from a certified perspective.  However, when speaking specifically from my pain, i chose the no contact standpoint to give my ungrateful man/boy an opportunity to simply reflect, and for him to utilize some strong, estranged critical thinking.  I know my man/boy loves me, I know that I am a good parent, I also know that all the love and concern I've graced him with, has been to know avail. I choose to take another road. Maybe, hopefully, he will walk down a much more mentally healthy, adult avenue, and we can meet somewhere to stroll together with a newfound respect for each other.

March 24, 2016
1:45 am
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liz
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HeartvsBrain said

I'm intrigued every time I find a new resource for information/support on the internet regarding cutting off family members.  I'm even more surprised when I so rarely hear others stories that sound like mine.  So I'll share it here on the off chance anyone else comes from a family of google diagnosed, "neglectful narcissists."

I spent most of my life until my twenties thinking like most people do, that my family was normal.  But I never thought I was normal.  I'd been trained well enough by my Family of Origin (FOO) that there was something wrong with me.  Sure, I'd get weird looks from people when I'd tell stories about my family, but it wasn't until I matured enough that I started to question why things were the way they were with my FOO.

No one else I knew had a mother and father who never called them and seemed to have no interest in them.  No one else had all the self care skills I did, because no one else I encountered had been left to figure out so much of life on their own from such a young age.  When I had a friendship end with devastating results in my late 20's I found myself in individual therapy and suddenly my eyes were opened.  For as much as I wasn't normal and had my issues, it became even more clear to me that I came by my badly learned lessons, honestly.

I worked hard, and continue to work hard on becoming the person I want to be instead of the person I was raised to be.  I have in many ways, re-invented myself, started life over again in my 30's and I continue to work on myself and towards my happy.

I accept my FOO is flawed and likely full of undiagnosed and untreated behavioral issues.  I can only change me and I can only control me.  But coming from a background where I was never told I was loved, I was never touched, never comforted, and never taught how to manage my emotions, I continue to struggle with my low self esteem because despite all that I've learned rationally, I still can't shake the fundamental belief that I am unlovable and no one will ever love me.  No matter how much I KNOW with my rational brain that I am a wonderful, empathic and kind person who is loved by many, I still can not convince my heart of it and a part of me fears I never will be able to believe it.  I also of course fear becoming a mother myself, despite also wanting it with my whole heart.

I know I have it so much better than so many and I would never try to compare my struggles with others struggles because I think I was lucky in many ways.  But having invested as much time and energy as I have in trying to become who I want to be as an adult, I am as ever disheartened by the lasting and likely permanent damage I endured being the kid I was in the FOO I was in.  A part of me wishes my parents had been physically abusive instead, because I think there are a lot more resources out there for that kind of damage.  There aren't a lot of resources out there for people who were never loved and who just can't seem to learn how to feel loved as adults.  

March 8, 2016
9:13 am
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Judith
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I'm now pretty disillusioned regarding these forums -  they don't really seem to be visited much 

I too had a highly abusive mother who I'm sure had designs on me - the dumped me in a boarding 'school' run by a couple of violent perverted closet gay females

My mother it then occurred to me was also closet and perhaps sent me

to that place in order to convert  me!   It didn't

My mother died somewhere I was unaware of her address - but even before that I'd been denied her phone number since the age of 18 

The upset and grief and distress all of her behaviour - the way I was treated at the 'school'  two boys killed themselves one by jumping off Beachy Head the other climbing halfway down another cliff while his brother was on holiday, overdosed and took 3 days to die 

Another who died crashing his motorbike while high on drugs  - I overdosed at the age of 14 when my mother took up with a stepfather and I was then installed in that boarding 'school' left there for a Xmas and also during summer holidays for my birthday - How did I get through all of what has been done to me - my sons since I got off the appallingly prescribed Valium after 15yrs of being effectively in a straitjacket - during which time I was incapable and unable to reach back to the past and unravel the causes of my trauma and suicidal depression - have backed away from me and don't want to know

I've given more than 22yrs of faithful service and cooked, cleaned and debased myself repeatedly apologising for a lot of stuff that wasn't my fault in fact - in order to try and change the atmosphere -

They have the impression that strong emotions e.g. crying  are  just not acceptable -

My oldest son's wife is of the same mind and un believably chastised me in my own home for crying ' Oh don't start crying now you're only trying to delay us!'  

At that point I'd endured a 2nd violent relationship that took 2yrs to kick him out of my own home - and had had my head battered against my hall wall and dragged the length of the house by my collar - trapped in my larder like an animal under the shelves having to grab a knife to defend myself 

On another occasion was locked out of my own home while he threw bowls of water at me from the kitchen window as I crouched like a stray cat on my own driveway.   At one point I'd sobbed down the phone to my son and his wife over what my neighbours were also doing (they including ex in-laws related to the father of my two children were running a hate campaign to try and drive me from the former matrimonial home- and it wasn't as though I'd taken it over without buying him out and providing him with his half - No it was to do with my having found out one of the ex's brothers had actually been in prison (I'd visited him unaware of the crime but taking it for granted he'd been thieving again) instead it was for sexually abusing ALL 3 of his baby daughters - the SHOCK and HORROR of being told and the worry that some of that family or indeed the ex had interfered with my sons -  It's the not knowing that now haunts me 

I got back from abroad to find my next door neighbour had YET AGAIN caused more damage to a clematis climbing on MY garage the outside wall stood on our boundary - the sloping roof facing her side where a lot of clematis had been growing has been totally ripped off and shoved over the top and bundled in a heap on the roof facing my side - before that it was my very large cherry tree that my youngest used to climb when he was about ten - it was clearly poisoned because a sapling grown beside this big tree was also stone dead - 

And before the cherry tree they'd slowly poisoned the virginia creeper that covered all of my garage and then once again while away that too was ripped off - she hates leaves in her garden!  But her behaviour resurrects other incidents - last year she called the Fire Brigade over a small bonfire burning garden rubbish - the Fireman who came into my back garden's immediate comment was 'Well this isn't going anywhere! - and 'It's blowing in the opposite direction!'

Before that her son in law had thrown a stone at my newly installed French windows and smashed one of the panes -  This was in retalliation for my taking matters into my own hands after years of obstruction and two blockages of our shared sewer under our shared manhole cover -

My garden being a foot lower than hers in the front garden the  caste iron heavy manhole cover had broken at the corner from my car passing over it - twice with blockages I was forced to pay for a plumber to clear the sewage - the 2nd time the plumber pointed out it was sand trickling through over time that had eventually reduced the sewer pipe opening- It was her son-in-law who'd made a bodge of the brick blockwork of her drive and front garden - placing some loose bricks over their half of the manhole cover under which he'd poured a thick layer of sand -and of course the sand due to the split in the manhole cover had gradually poured through over time  - So eventually in desperation I had someone come to install a new manhole cover and having it sited entirely on my side - Despite the neat job that was made of all of that and the replacing of the brick blockwork there was no thanks but smashing of my window - that occurred around 2011 -

Additionally I also had to put up with the humiliation of this woman screaming at me the day her son-in-law was carrying out the work on her brick blockwork driveway - I said that I wished they could've given me warning that it was going to be done in order to replace the damaged manhole cover where upon she yelled 'Look at you, look at yourself in the mirror what man would want you?'  I was so shocked all I could think of saying was ' Lilian when are you going to start behaving like  decent human being?' I could've said and perhaps should've 'Well your face will never launch a thousand ships that's for sure!!' 

Before that back in the 90s after getting shot of the 2nd violent man in  my house - those neighbours combined with the others living in the property adjoining  my semi detached home broke through my pantry window and removed my stereo separates plus the speakers -

They were all found bagged up in bin liners in the ex's aunt's driveway (living the other side of those neighbours in the adjoining house - she along with the ex inlaws have all that hidden agenda and of course this horrible creature in the unattached property whose late husband (not suprisingly topped himself back in 2003/4 by deliberately electrocuting himself while doing a job - it was only a couple of weeks before this I heard her yelling at him 'You know we can't stand the sight of each other!!'  In the newspaper following his suicide confirmed by an autopsy - she described their relationship as  'Soulmates'   

Soon after my divorce began he'd come onto my property under orders of course - because after a rare late supermarket shop around 9.30pm on a Friday night I'd forgotten to turn off my car radio - I heard a loud bang on my door  - opened it to have him sneer 'So what're you doing about this music then?'  As I stepped towards my car in my own driveway barely 3 ' from my doorstep he got there first wrenched the driver's door open then RAMMED it against my thigh - meanwhile her indoors who has to be obeyed was yelling ' You drove a whole family out - 

I'd rightly reported to social services hearing a blow inflicted through my party wall during domestic strife - and appeared from the sobbing toddler to have landed on her - it turned out the father was newly promoted to CID - I'm sure you can imagine what happened to me after that -  in fact the only decent policeman that attended the theft of my stereo separates he confirmed it wasn't me who'd driven out that family because they were already divorcing!  - that same night of this man's assault a boy came to my door saying he'd heard her shouting that I was 'having young boys in my house!'   so I told him he'd better make himself scarce as well - Having reported this police officer and due to the ex's cousin being high up in police transport division I was then subjectd to late night panda car visits intimidatingly suggesting my report to the social services was purely vindictive - which it wasn't 

This woman or rather 'creature' clearly needs help and obviously got bullied in childhood which has also turned her into an adult bully - but instead of dealing with her own unease and inability to cope with the partner's abrupt departure - distracts herself by trying to make my life as miserable as possible - but I've not responded to this last criminal act nor did I respond to her reporting my bonfire - But I think now I should erect CCTV to catch the culprit next time -  And if that wasn't all bad enough the next family that took over the adjoining property was soon 'befriended'  by the ex's aunt and soon I was being subjected to African parrots piercing screeching bird calls that turned into nearly 10yrs of intermittent psychological assault - the birds cages were stood right up against both bedroom party walls and would begin as early as 6am just before they went to work - I then allowed a Community Psychiatric Nurse start visiting purely to register to everyone that someone was actually stepping over my doorstep -I'd tried calling my eldest son only living about 1hour 20 mins away -- was sobbing down the phone but was cut off and then when I called back was constantly 'engaged' the phone operator confirmed the phone was left off the hook and I was so distraught and fearful after all that was being done to me they put me straight through to Samaritans -and Victim Support were of no help whatsoever - and of course police once you'v reported one of their lot you've nowhere to go!  Hence I got no support during a 3rd violent male's appearance here - desperately looking for some protection!   

March 7, 2016
2:32 am
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freemybrain
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My opinion on the 'estranged ' issue to Dr Coleman 

Whit all my respect Dr Coleman,

Please let me state my opinion on this subject. Why not try get people set those (according to me sane and healthy) basics of parenthood already from scratch...?

I will see it as a true blessing never ever counted on, if my kids will like to hang out with me even the least as adults. I have always figured I am obliged to have to earn that lovely blessing and will never ever count on it.

I'll of course, as we all would, feel deep grief if I mess up. But if, I will promise to spend all time and money to take a deep look into my own inner flaws instead and work on them eager to become the adult parent they would like to have in their lives. Not focusing on what's wrong with them. There's wishes of how an adult parent shall be like, are my rule. Will always be. Within the frames of higher legality. I love my precious no narc kids dearly:)! Their genuine souls and inner wills are sanctuared for me. That's my parental rule of thumb! One will always have an obligation to stay being foremost a responsible mature unconditionally living parent to ones children. No difference just cause the kid turn adult. I answered Yes in eternal, to that role in my relation to my kids, as fast as they got out into this world, ever since. 

And I heard you talk about a culture raising narcissistic children. Here is my view on that in the perspective of parents estranged from their adult children.

I as a cert. and experienced child psychologist have understood narcissistic children with no narcissistic parents as such.  Them adult children would rarely rarely wish for No contact. No imo rather the very oposite, they would really strive to optimize their adult relations with their parents to be as tight and frequent as needed to achieve optimal narcissistic supply from their parents.  Narcs can't deal well with the oposite imo, the immense pain and deep existential grief it is to cut off a parent. Sorry Mr Coleman. All respect but that is my informed opinion. Thanx Mr for letting me vent it with you.  

June 18, 2015
5:28 pm
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Kathy
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David, You might go ahead and try sending the e birthday card if you really want to. But do it without expecting anything back and know who you are dealing with in your folks. Just detach. Sounds like some weird stuff going on with your folks/parent. Some people want everything their way and do not have a concern or care about the other person's feelings. Some people have no conscience. It is narcissistic to come visit and want things to go according to your schedule, especially when there are children that need to be kept to their routine, have school, parents have work, etc. it is narcissistic to ask what is wrong and then bash the other person and refuse to dialog and communicate and come to a positive understanding between the parties. It is very manipulative and narcissistic to move and not tell your adult children. So you have to know that this is probably what is going on. Their intent is to make you beg for attention and forgiveness and they want their own way. Either that or you've been so horrible they are in hiding from you. You know in your heart which is correct. If you feel your folks are manipulative and narcissistic, then sending the e-card is telling them you care more than they care, which opens the door for more manipulation. Read up on narcissistic people traits and narcissistic family traits. If you find they are narcissists, it is no win for you. It will never be good with them, they can't change and they put themselves first always.

June 17, 2015
1:41 pm
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It's one of our parents' birthdays coming up soon.  This parent was very good, but then started to cause problems at the end of each trip.  Our family is busy and this parent is independantly-minded and didsn't want to fit to our daily plans.  So it caused some problems, but then time passed and the parent would come for another trip.  And mostly it was good.  Then the parent demanded to know why there were problems.  So we told them, and they were shocked and hurts.  I knew it would happen but they kept asking why problems.  And then we said this is why we don't always invite you over.  sometimes the problem is more than the good times.  sometimes you teach my kids things i dont want them to know.  sometimes we are very stressed out after you go home.  So this parent decided not to talk anymore.  no phone or email or anything.  then they moved and refused to say wheere they lived anymore.  we only found out they moved when the people that moved in said the parent did not live there anymore.  And I emailed and asked for the new address and did not get it.  So it's the parents birthday coming up soon and the only thing i have is to send an email birthday card.  I am going to do that, even though the parent sends all signs of wanting to be estranged.  if anybody thinks this is a bad idea, then please tell me. -David Elston

April 27, 2015
7:16 pm
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Amanda
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HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND BACK AFTER BREAK UP!!!
Here is my story,
My Name is Amanda Micheal i am from USA New Jersey, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr.Ojuku has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called Steven we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when i was unable to give him a child for 2years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email:(drojukuspellhome@gmail.com) then you won’t believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he cast a re-union spell on him and bring my lost husband back, and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Ojuku for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact him today on his mail: drojukuspellhome@gmail.com,” and he will also help you as well.”
kind regards
Good Luck…
March 31, 2015
10:45 am
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Seven
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HeartvsBrain said
I'm intrigued every time I find a new resource for information/support on the internet regarding cutting off family members.  I'm even more surprised when I so rarely hear others stories that sound like mine.  So I'll share it here on the off chance anyone else comes from a family of google diagnosed, "neglectful narcissists."

I spent most of my life until my twenties thinking like most people do, that my family was normal.  But I never thought I was normal.  I'd been trained well enough by my Family of Origin (FOO) that there was something wrong with me.  Sure, I'd get weird looks from people when I'd tell stories about my family, but it wasn't until I matured enough that I started to question why things were the way they were with my FOO.

No one else I knew had a mother and father who never called them and seemed to have no interest in them.  No one else had all the self care skills I did, because no one else I encountered had been left to figure out so much of life on their own from such a young age.  When I had a friendship end with devastating results in my late 20's I found myself in individual therapy and suddenly my eyes were opened.  For as much as I wasn't normal and had my issues, it became even more clear to me that I came by my badly learned lessons, honestly.

I worked hard, and continue to work hard on becoming the person I want to be instead of the person I was raised to be.  I have in many ways, re-invented myself, started life over again in my 30's and I continue to work on myself and towards my happy.

I accept my FOO is flawed and likely full of undiagnosed and untreated behavioral issues.  I can only change me and I can only control me.  But coming from a background where I was never told I was loved, I was never touched, never comforted, and never taught how to manage my emotions, I continue to struggle with my low self esteem because despite all that I've learned rationally, I still can't shake the fundamental belief that I am unlovable and no one will ever love me.  No matter how much I KNOW with my rational brain that I am a wonderful, empathic and kind person who is loved by many, I still can not convince my heart of it and a part of me fears I never will be able to believe it.  I also of course fear becoming a mother myself, despite also wanting it with my whole heart.

I know I have it so much better than so many and I would never try to compare my struggles with others struggles because I think I was lucky in many ways.  But having invested as much time and energy as I have in trying to become who I want to be as an adult, I am as ever disheartened by the lasting and likely permanent damage I endured being the kid I was in the FOO I was in.  A part of me wishes my parents had been physically abusive instead, because I think there are a lot more resources out there for that kind of damage.  There aren't a lot of resources out there for people who were never loved and who just can't seem to learn how to feel loved as adults.  

I myself belong to this statistic. I have recently learned the definition of estrangement while randomly reading stuff on the Internet.

My story is that I am the oldest son out of four children. I remember as a child in elementary school, I verbally declared to both my parents that I am going to leave and abandon them. As a child, I had always remembered my parents forget me at school, making me sit at the table for hours on end until I finish my food, making me go to school while being physically ill, telling me that video games were poisonous, disciplined whenever I showed signs of jealousy towards my peers, always compared me to other children, forcing the Catholic religion upon me, and discouraging my possession of pornographic material. I had always felt that I was being neglected and grew up being independent and have and still currently being emotionally detached from them. I never talk to them on my own personal issues or tell them about any of the girlfriends I may have. Every time someone talks to me about how attached and obligated to their family, I just sit there, listen, and realize that I cannot understand them.

Now, that I am an adult, I understand that some of those things they did were not unreasonable. When I freshly graduated high school at the age of 17, I immediately joined the United States Marine Corps, in an attempt to leave my parents and be able to do the things I wanted. At first, I would visit home because everyone around me were always very happy whenever they did get to go home. Eventually, I realized I myself wasn't happy and stopped going home after my 2nd year enlisted. They would occasionally call me and phone calls were very short, about less than five minutes. Eventually, any contact just stopped.

In March 2011, after the tsunami hit Japan, I had to go back home from Japan to attend to my cousin's funeral. My parents encouraged me to wear my dress blues uniform and I realized all they wanted to do was to show me off to the other people. My parents tell me that they love me and are very proud of me and I just sit there and don't care about their opinions. I cut my vacation back home short and use the rest of my leave to enjoy myself and party back in Japan.

Contact with my family was still cut off until when my contract in the military was almost over. I wanted to stay in the military but I could not due to not being leadership material. My contract ends and I move back with my parents to attend college. The biggest issue that I had coming back to my parents is money. Although my family looks a lot better off financially compared to my childhood, my mother often takes money from my account to pay the auto insurance, the mortgage, property back in Asia, and additional education for my younger siblings. Also, while receiving military benefits, my father lies and attempts claim me as a disabled, Afghanistan PTSD deployed, military veteran while none of that was true or ever happened. He is unsuccessful.

Prior to leaving the military, I joined a society of online video gamers and in a way replaced that society over my family. I am always home on the computer talking to these people every single day and avoid most of our social family gatherings. Living with my parents, I am usually non-verbal and live day in and out between home in my room and college. My family knows I have a girlfriend but I never openly talk to them about her. The plan I have in store is to move away to my girlfriend's location once I graduate college. Whether the plan is successful or not I will move away from my parents because I have and always feel that they are a big hindrance to me in my progression in life.

I don't hate my parents with an ambiguous reason, but I have always grown up very detached to them. Placing them as last priority because they usually conflict with my own personal goals. I'm not sure about "neglectful narcissism" but I quote HeartvsBrain because I am that statistic whom grew up with good, unabusive childhood and became a independent person who I wanted to be vs what my parent's ideals on what I was raised to be.

March 25, 2015
2:16 pm
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Daisy
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Hi...

I am a 53 year old woman, who is estranged from my father.

My parents were married for 35 years, when my father's mistress called my mother to inform her of the affair. My father had apparently been carrying on this affair for some time and I guess this woman called to "expedite her agenda". I'm sure he was probably lying to her. as well. This happened in the 1990s. Simultaneously, my brother was battling a terminal illness and had moved back home to live with my mom, so she had a lot of anxiety and sadness. My mother had to sell her home, after my brother passed away and my father never obeyed the divorce decree. He sent her a few checks, which bounced. He rarely even came home to see his dying son. He turned out to be the complete opposite of what I thought he was. There is so much more that transpired, but you get the idea.

I have only seen my father a few times, since he left. The last time was 2 years ago. I agreed to meet him, because I did not want to have to deal with any unresolved feelings of guilt, down the road. The meeting was civil, but I felt so removed. I don't know him...He said he couldn't understand why I was being so cold.

The latest for me, is that I lost my beautiful mother in April 2014. A woman who always put her family first, a woman (though sometimes tough) who people loved and gravitated to, a woman who, although lived with tragedy, always had a smile on her face. I am crushed. Thank God for my husband and friends.

My father lives far away, so thankfully...I don't run into him. I know he is old and maybe not well. He is married to the woman I spoke of, so I know he has someone to take care of him. He has never apologized and continued to portray my mother as the devil.

I wrestle with the idea of writing (and actually mailing) a letter to him, explaining why I don't feel close to him, but then I say...why??

I cried that day after I saw him. I cried for everything that was lost. I cried to think of how sad it must be to be so skewed and narcissist. When I think of all those family (his side too) members and friends, who absolutely love my mom and those people who have "that look" on their faces, when my dad's name is mentioned...it kills me.

I try to live my life in a way, that when I am gone...people smile and don't cringe...to make my mom proud.

Thanks for letting me vent!

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