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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
June 10, 2016
3:38 pm
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   I'm sorry for what you're going through with your daughters.  It sounds like you've had a tough number of years.  I can relate to being a doormat and being depressed!  I've experienced being used and pushed around a lot in my life.  And being around an addict takes a toll on you, especially if you were married that long.  No wonder you've had such a difficult time.  It's unfortunate that your daughters don't understand where you're coming from.  It's difficult when you've got issues to work out and your family doesn't want to stand behind you.  In the meantime, I hope you have other people in your life that you trust and can talk to.  Hopefully, one day your daughters will support you.  And if not, hopefully one day you'll be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren.

    Thanks Carolyn and Fred.  You've both helped me a lot with your words. Most of this has been brewing in my brain with no release for the last couple of months.

June 10, 2016
12:38 pm
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Fred
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Lord, am I glad you said that!  I truly believe that being a true adult is knowing when to throw in the towel.  Take your your new life, your new dreams, and your new healing heart, away from the table. Wipe your chin, and say,  you have had enough!  Enjoy your glorious Friday and weekend!

June 10, 2016
12:32 pm
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carolyn
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Inez, thank you for your reply and kind words.  I am happy to hear that you have a husband who is very supportive of you.  Unfortunately, since I did not deal with my issues before I married I ended up marrying someone who treated me much like my mother.  I was too young and did not realize I was trying to make things right.  My mother when she was alive would even blame me when I had trouble with my husband even though he was a functioning alcoholic.Because of staying in a bad marriage for 38 years until my husband passed away 11years ago, I didn't know I deserved better, both of my girls saw me be a doormat and depressed.  I didn't get stronger until the third time in therapy and by that time they were in college.  Now I am dealing with estrangement from both of them, they are in their 40s, as they are blaming me for their childhood and for me having a nervous breakdown even though my whole life was about taking care of them. Both of them are very successful and have beautiful children which I was a big part of and practically raised my granddaughter.  Having them take away my grandchildren is the most traumatic pain to endure especially when we had a close bond.  It is very sad that both of my girls are now behaving like their father and showing no compassion or emphathy.  I continue to just pray for them that one day they will focus on what is important and that is loving one another, forgiving and learning to be grateful for what is good in our lives.  Sorry for venting but it helps to have a place like this forum where most understand and we aren't judged.  We all have had enough of that. 

I'm sad though Inez that you were not successful in therapy with your mother.  At least you know you tried your best and you are one of those that have every right to not want a relationship with her if she chooses to not validate your feelings.   You do not need to suffer anymore.  Most of the estranged parents on this site have bent over backwards to works out issues with their children only to be rejected over and over.  I continue to love my children but I will not allow them to hurt me anymore.  Never would have thought that I would have to stand up to them at this time of my life.  I pray that they will not suffer one day from their children because they certainly are not setting a good example.  Sorry again for rambling on.  Take good care of yourself

June 10, 2016
12:20 pm
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Inez
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Hi Fred,

   I've already gone the counseling route a number of times with my parents.  At this point, I feel like I need to deal with these issues on my own without their input.  I just end up feeling worse about these issues when my parents get involved.  They are either different from me, emotionally not available for their own reasons, or just simply don't care.  I don't know.  But I know it's time for me to grow up and start taking care of my feelings by myself.  I definately agree with you that I need to be talking to a therapist right now.  And the website is really great.  I've been trying to find something like this for awhile.

June 10, 2016
9:28 am
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Fred
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Good morning Inez:

I agree with you. Sometimes the only thing we can do is to just simply get away.  Oftentimes the pain is so lasting that engaging with the people involved is not productive for your mental clarity and health.  However, if you can (like Carolyn suggested), get your parents to attend counseling sessions with you that may help you to move on.  Call the crisis mental health hotlines in your area. They will be able to give you numbers for affordable county programs. 

Take the time to read some of the posts that are archived on this forum.  We have all been mistreated, and all of us are trying to help other posters, so we can guide ourseleves.

Truthfully, its hard work, but we're hopeful warriors.  Find out how to protect your heart and brain. God will do the rest.

June 10, 2016
9:12 am
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   Thanks for your kind words.  It means a lot since I've been having difficulty most of my life trusting in myself and believing that I can make the right decisions.  This is a time in my life where I'm especially having difficulty with that.  I'm sorry for the pain that you've had to endure as well.  Unfortunately, it seems that parents sometimes just don't know how to adequately take care of their children.  I've been reading a lot of stories about children and adults that have been through their parents carelessness.  It's really sad.  I literally have decided to not have children, because I'm terrified that I'll hurt them in some way.  I have already been in therapy with my mother.  My mother has only ever been full of excuses about everything.  Not only was my mother emotionally cruel but physically abusive as well.  She has never apologized or said she was sorry that I was in pain.  It's just always been about her.  You are right.  My mother isn't going to change at this point.  Thankfully, my husband is very supportive and understanding.  I can talk about these issues with him without him judging me.  I usually don't, though.  I definately have problems opening up and talking about things.  Posting in this forum was difficult for me. lol.

June 10, 2016
7:54 am
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carolyn
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Dear Inez,  my heart goes out to you as I had a similar situation with my mother when I was in my teen years only it involved my brother.  She did not believe me when I went to her and made excuses by saying he was sleepwalking and didn't know what he was doing. It took me four years to work out a plan with my sisters that proved he knew what he was doing.  At that time my sisters went to my mother and my mother's response was "what will it do to his manhood."  My parents did talk to him but unfortunately it was just brushed under the rug and like the elephant in the room.  Therapy was never an option then.  Needless to say, I never had a close relationship with my mother. I am now 70 years old and while you never forget you learn how to not let others define who you are and to take your power back.  It took me many years going into therapy off and on and it took Dr. Coleman to help me realize that it was why I have difficulty trusting my own perceptions and believing that I deserve to protect myself from hurtful people.  That helped me to learn to stand up for myself.  What also helped me was to accept that my mother just did not have the ability or mentality to deal with such issues and I have learned to forgive her to release the hold it had on me.  From what I read from your post your mother sounds very insensitive and that may never change.  If you truly want a relationship with your mother I would suggest you ask her to go to counseling with you, maybe with a pastor since you say money is tight.  She needs to understand how you feel about her words and treatment of you.  You need to have your feelings validated and better it be said with a mediator.  If that is not possible, whatever you do do not feel guilty, you did nothing wrong and did not deserve what happened to you.  Speak kindly to yourself and treat yourself well.  Do not give your power away or let the treatment and behavior of others define who you are.  I also find that mindful meditation helps when I'm having a rough time.  I will pray for you and hope you will find joy and peace.  One question, do you have the support of your husband and is he understanding of your feelings?  My best to you.

June 10, 2016
12:19 am
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Inez
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Hi Fred,

   Thanks for replying.  I've been out of the house for quite some time.  I'm 36 and married.  However, I've had emotional problems most of my life that have made it difficult enough for me not to work.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and social anxiety disorder (though I think I have an extreme avoidant personality disorder).  I've been through therapy on and off since I was thirteen years old, but am unfortunately not in therapy now, because of financial issues.  I've dealt with these issues in therapy, but I constantly get knocked down by my parents when they do/say something and I realize once again that I just can't trust them.  I feel like I need to physically distance myself now.  I've felt no feelings of grief, because there's not much of an emotional connection with either of them.

June 9, 2016
11:12 pm
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Fred
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Hello Inez:

That sure is a sad story about parents. How old are you?   Is it time for you to leave home?  Is it time for you to have a job?  Are you getting therapy?  You have a plethora of emotional trangressions that need to be addressed, if youre ready.  It sounds like you are ready to "fix" you. Your cognitive reasoning is sound, and critical. Use that intelligence to seek help for your well being, if you are old enough to do so.  Crying has always helped me because the  symbolic tears served as a real "medicinal cleansing'. Take baby steps, it will get better for you. Pray and let God guide you to better days ahead.

June 9, 2016
9:30 pm
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Inez
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  I stopped talking to my mother in January over an argument about one of my brother's friends.  This person on more than one occasion invaded my privacy while I was in the shower.  He stood outside the window watching me and touching himself.  The first time I told her about this situation she literally said, "He must have liked what he saw."  End of conversation.  I couldn't believe that she'd said that to me, like it just didn't matter.  I over the years had brought up this situation, as always, trying to get the desired response of caring instead of indifference.  This last argument in January I told her that she should have defended me, even if I was an adult, and that she should be offended that someone should do that to anyone especially their own child.  She just said, "No.  He was always nice to me."  The message that I got was that I was like a stranger to her, and she didn't owe me any amount of caring.  I finally after a lifetime of being ignored just shut down.  This isn't the first time that I've gotten the message that my feelings and body don't matter.  I was molested as a child by more than one person.  I told her and my father of one of these situations when I was eight years old.  My mother's response was that i didn't know what i was talking about.  I remember I started crying and I told her that I would never trust her again.  She said she didn't care and left for work.  It was a horrible feeling!  I just went to my bedroom and cried.  I remember a switch went off in my brain towards my parents that day.  I just emotionally separated from them.  I realized I couldn't depend on them to care about me emotionally.  Of course, that didn't stop me from trying and trying anyway.  In the future, as an adult when I've talked about these situations with my parents, it's pretty much been the same kind of responses:  either I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm over-reacting. My parents took care of me the best that they could financially and materially, and I'm grateful for that, but I've reached a point where I just can't deal with the fact that they don't think my feelings or body matter.  The reason I haven't said much about my father is because he and I fell out a while ago, and I don't have as much feelings of guilt.  I think my father is narcissistic.  I'm not a psychologist, so I obviously don't know for sure.  I haven't really talked about this situation with anyone in depth.  I feel like I need to get it out.  I am also dealing with the guilt of the situation, because "you're just not supposed to stop talking to your parents."  It feels right, but what if I'm wrong.  I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or I am truly in the right for getting rid of people I feel don't love me the way that I need to be loved.

May 19, 2016
11:55 am
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onestepatatime
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Laurie, Your parents sound like narcissists and very toxic. The negative comments and constant criticism are the clues. They make it all about themselves, it sounds. The criticism is a means of control and manipulation. They want you to be what they want you to be, so that you serve them in whatever role they demand of you. The blackmail and telling you you are dead to them if you do ---, really show they don't love you as you deserve to be loved. I found Life Code by Dr Phil very helpful and also the forum called "raised by narcissists" on reddit. I think what we have to do is realize that our parents' behavior is not a reflection on us, we did not cause it nor can we cure it. Also, it is not personal to us, they'd be saying the same ugly, critical, manipulative words to any other child if you weren't their child and someone else was. It is not about you. You did nothing wrong. They have a personality disorder or mental illness.

May 18, 2016
5:28 pm
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Laurie kidwell
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I don't know where to start. I always had a strange relationship with both parents. My father was emotionally unavailable to my mother and I became a serrogate spouse for my mother as a teenager. That became a real problem when I left home and then eventually got married. My mother acted like a jealous ex spouse. When I joined the military my parents were extremely against it and sabotaged my effort by contacting my references and asking them not to be a reference. In the beginning they asked my husband and I to move back in while I went to basic training and then when it was clear we were following through with it, kicked us out. We stayed with my  elderly grandmother (who was supportive) for two weeks until my mother threatened to stop providing her assistance. My husband was basically homeless and I got on the plane with a voice mail stating " if you get on that plane you are dead to me". I cried and then got on the plane for the hardest few months of my life. But in hindsight 10 years in the service and I never regretted the decision.

My father is both narcissistic and has antiquated views of women's roles that I do not share. He has made comments that he has no respect for my husband for allowing me to make certain choices he was against. When our son was diagnosed with autism and my husband stayed home to facilitate treatment we were criticized and belittled by my parents. We were never good enough. I talked to my father about getting my doctorate and he stated that I would not be able to compete because I did not have experience working with intelligent accomplished people. At the time I worked alongside doctors with prestigious educational and work backgrounds and I could not understand where the comment came from other than a previous statement that only people who could not make it in college or the real world joined the military.

My mother would often criticize and belittle decisions acting as if I needed their approval. Then when I would get angry she would act that I was being petty or imagining her slights. For instance, when I stated several people thought I should apply for a director position, she stated I could not handle that position or the stress. I did not plan on applying but was flattered that people thought of me and wanted to share. This is an example of common subtle put downs. 

So after years of this and more I began feeling cycles of anger and resentment towards my parents triggered by each slight. I would also feel self doubt and wonder if my husband and I were the problem. About a year and a half ago I decided to go no contact. I wanted my kids to still have the opportunity to speak and visit as long as it remained non toxic. Recently I have noticed their treatment of the kids has begun to exhibit similar traits and we began to make boundaries. 

After the period of no contact we had one last blowout last week where my father told me that my mother was dying (not to reconcile but as a weapon) and permanently cut us and the kids off. I was left feeling hurt, guilty, and angry. I realized then nothing would change and I need to move forward and heal. 

April 18, 2016
2:19 pm
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Judith
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freemybrain said
My opinion on the 'estranged ' issue to Dr Coleman 

Whit all my respect Dr Coleman,

Please let me state my opinion on this subject. Why not try get people set those (according to me sane and healthy) basics of parenthood already from scratch...?

I will see it as a true blessing never ever counted on, if my kids will like to hang out with me even the least as adults. I have always figured I am obliged to have to earn that lovely blessing and will never ever count on it.

I'll of course, as we all would, feel deep grief if I mess up. But if, I will promise to spend all time and money to take a deep look into my own inner flaws instead and work on them eager to become the adult parent they would like to have in their lives. Not focusing on what's wrong with them. There's wishes of how an adult parent shall be like, are my rule. Will always be. Within the frames of higher legality. I love my precious no narc kids dearly:)! Their genuine souls and inner wills are sanctuared for me. That's my parental rule of thumb! One will always have an obligation to stay being foremost a responsible mature unconditionally living parent to ones children. No difference just cause the kid turn adult. I answered Yes in eternal, to that role in my relation to my kids, as fast as they got out into this world, ever since. 

And I heard you talk about a culture raising narcissistic children. Here is my view on that in the perspective of parents estranged from their adult children.

I as a cert. and experienced child psychologist have understood narcissistic children with no narcissistic parents as such.  Them adult children would rarely rarely wish for No contact. No imo rather the very oposite, they would really strive to optimize their adult relations with their parents to be as tight and frequent as needed to achieve optimal narcissistic supply from their parents.  Narcs can't deal well with the oposite imo, the immense pain and deep existential grief it is to cut off a parent. Sorry Mr Coleman. All respect but that is my informed opinion. Thanx Mr for letting me vent it with you.  

Yes I wanted to free my  children despite the pain it caused me having no other family around - I worked hard on  myself to try and change any dysfunctional habits learned through receiving similar growing up - I did need to separate myself at times when the intense pain became intollerable on anniversaries of extreme cruelty such as my mother dumping me one Xmas - I was called to the head's study to be told ' Your mother's just rung to say she can't have you this xmas you'll have to stay here -   two of the worst  abusers you really couldn't imagine  - running their supposed 'school' for children conveniently labelled 'maladjusted'  Me and one other younger girl were sleeping in the 8 bedded dormitory - cold green linoleum, flimsy thin curtains and a lu kewarm radiator - under a massive bay window with draughty leaded panes looking out on a vastly snowing scene There was no escape  This ruined all subsequent Xmases forever after. 

Then again during summer holidays in the August being my birthday me and the other poor equally neglected bastards were due to see the first James Bond movie for my birthday treat - I came downstairs after putting on my makeup - Doctor Hilda Bullen psych saw my lipstick and instantly homed in for the kill - shrieking that I looked like a tart not surprisingly my hysterical terror was just what she wanted - sending me back up to the dormitory - I never forget the sound of footsteps of the others crunching up that long gravel drive on their way to see the film on my birthday treat without me - Those two incidents have coloured two of the most important anniversaries throughout my life! 

The truth being both parents/ guardians and whoever else were the problem -  just like  teachers and both Heads were all as mad as hatters It took decades before I got to speak to an ex employee who suddenly enlightened me 'You do realise that both Dr Bullen and Trixie were closets!  The penny dropped with a resounding crash  - I could never understand why I was always being targeted for preferring the boys - I presume my lipstick signalled danger to Bullen and rage and who needed to punish me for daring to be normal.  How sick is that!  No wonder I got married to a seriously repressed. 

April 18, 2016
12:56 pm
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Judith
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carolyn said
Judith, I just finished reading your story and really do feel for you and the travesties you have been through.  I am sure it was very therapeutic for you to vent and put it on paper.  You seem highly intelligent and well versed.  Have you thought about publishing your story or writing a book?  Your story of how you persevered could bring hope to others.  Learning that I was worth standing up for and not letting others define me took over twenty years to learn and actually do but it is always a work in progress.  May you have peace and happiness in your life.  You deserve it.

Carolyn thank you so much for those kind and comforting words - As a matter of fact I've been writing my life story for a few years now - the Moroccan I naively befriended and tried to help when he begged for assistance being on his 'last appeal' to remain in the UK - my prime reason being he'd almost immediately told me when we met that he'd been sexually abused by an older boy in his own village - This of course 'got me'  I knew if he was sent back that there'd be no hope of his getting any therapy because male abuse on male is taboo out there - anyhow he soon got the better of me being an addict - he began demanding a massive sum of money saying if he was sent back he'd have no home and his family wouldn't want him with no business to support himself - before I knew it he was blaming me and calling me racist and his unpredictable behaviour put me into shock e.g. screaming in the car threats to pull the wheel over and take us both to hell on the M25 - he did the same again just an hour away from his forceful demands to marry despite my saying it was 'too late' I'd walked out of the first attempt in tears - he'd got under my skin using charm and manipulation - besides which my mother had died and I was in shock over that having no idea where she was since 1995 nor had her number since I was eighteen - anyway Ismail got his way second time round by yelling in my face in the pouring rain that he would pull the wheel over again we were just an hour away from this appointment at the Registry Office that he set up again via his mobile - I wasn't intending to keep it but take him to the drug and alcohol drop in appointment instead -  I was so scared for my life that I capitulated - that same night which seemed totally unreal and nothing like a 'wedding' he then started on me again - smacking a mug down on the diningroom table denting it - sweeping a tray of food right off the table egg yolk all up the curtains and my mother's portrait in her WRNS uniform (during WWII)  then while demanding this massive sum he went upstairs knowing that my life story was the most valuable thing in the house brought the manuscript down in a Marks & Spencer carrier bag then lay on the sofa saying if he didn't get the money he set fire to it and himself out in the garden ! I was now traumatised by this threat though never showed it - just sat at the diningroom table not moving a muscle - I had to then coax him up to bed then wait till he slept and come back down swap the manuscript with something that looked like it and hid it out in the garage in a binliner - waited up all night till the bank opened and rang to say I was coming in with him and wanted him arrested for blackmail.  I also rang the Police who said they wanted to ring me back but I told them not to in case he heard - he'd bought an axe and a mattock supposedly to cut down my unwanted magnolia tree bought for a 7th wedding anniversary (father of my children) I preferred not to remember!  The police arrested him in the bank but during my statement suggested I'd said it was blackmail to get him out the house - based on past prejudice after reporting one of their lot when through the party wall I overheard the sound of a blow during domestic strife -the toddler's sobs convinced me she'd been hit. I did was right and I'd do it again because I know I'd never have tolerated violence in adulthood for more than a day but I was conditioned to do so by parents hitting. Now I know better but it's one thing knowing it intellectually but physically is quite a different matter when one longs to love and be loved Thanks again so much -Take care  (((Hugs)))

April 18, 2016
11:00 am
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Judith
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Judith said

Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

Sadly Bob there are some people who become parents but are far too immature to manage it and unfortunately the statistics tell us that a child who finds themselves with a step parent is far more at risk of abuse than the natural parent - it was completely unacceptable of any parent to just stand there and fail to save their child from a step parent's shocking violence  that you've been put through - Unfortunately it may be that while a Judge can suggest that down the line you'll regret not speaking to your father - but he needs to come up with apologies and explanations for taking that woman's side against his own child - It sounds to me like he was jealous of your relationship with your natural mother - sounds like he is extremely immature and incapable of being the kind of loving gentle and protective  father all children deserve and need in this difficult world we live in - It's your father's responsibility to mend the relationship between you with abject apologies and not the other way round - He is the one who should've been there for you from day one and not created a living hell and dysfunctional home life - Your mother deserves a medal for trying so hard but sounds like your father made it impossible - as for putting a 'for sale' notice on the tepee your mother made for you - that is totally despicable just shows how immature and incapable he was - in short he sounds like an overgrown school kid who has never learned some compassion and humanity - your dad was not a proper father to you - not at all and it's not right that you should be holding on to misplaced guilt here - you deserved so much more than that - we need to learn to love ourselves no matter what - and when we are born into this world as innocent little beings we depend on the parent to protect and love us - how is it in the animal world most mothers of the young automatically love and protect - We never asked to be born into this difficult world and we all deserve love, protection and to be given the BEST example of how to love and know that we're loved - Your anger is justified your trust was totally betrayed and your stepmother should've been arrested for child abuse and your father for aiding and abetting.  As parents we are duty bound to protect defenceless children - the fact that I was never protected gave me the message that I wasn't worth it which in turn pushed me into similar adult relationships where I accepted violence wrongly believing it was all part of a so-called 'loving relationship'  Neither Physically or Mentally hurting your supposed 'nearest and dearest'  has got NOTHING to do a 'True, Healthy Loving Relationship - None at All  - you've been given ALL the wrong messages by adults who have treated you VERY badly If you father can't give his sincere apologies and raise his game and condemn the violence of that woman he's with then he needs treatment - whether it's alcohol, or drugs or merely a mental disorder you'll be fighting a losing battle unless these people get treatment.  Take care of yourself Bob you DESERVE the BEST after all of that - It's possible you've developed Post Traumatic Stress - I was determined my own sons would get a better childhood than I ever had and I wanted them to know that they were loved - Find kinder and more gentle friends to be with -Learning Mindfulness meditation can be a helpful tool and of course a good therapist - learn to respect yourself and your own safety and peace of mind - There are many 12 Step support groups around ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional families - Co-Da that teaches us to learn to lov

Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

e and respect oneself - Al-anon - Al-Ateen (for children/teenagers from dysfunctiona families  AA You will find many like yourself in those meetings - (((Hugs)))  

Hi Bob part of my message may have got cut off from my first one - the rest of it was 'Love and respect oneself -Al-anon or Alateen (for teenagers from alcoholic or dysfunctional families -Co-Da and of course AA - You will find many like yourself in those meetings (((Hugs)))

April 18, 2016
10:53 am
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Judith
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Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

Sadly Bob there are some people who become parents but are far too immature to manage it and unfortunately the statistics tell us that a child who finds themselves with a step parent is far more at risk of abuse than the natural parent - it was completely unacceptable of any parent to just stand there and fail to save their child from a step parent's shocking violence  that you've been put through - Unfortunately it may be that while a Judge can suggest that down the line you'll regret not speaking to your father - but he needs to come up with apologies and explanations for taking that woman's side against his own child - It sounds to me like he was jealous of your relationship with your natural mother - sounds like he is extremely immature and incapable of being the kind of loving gentle and protective  father all children deserve and need in this difficult world we live in - It's your father's responsibility to mend the relationship between you with abject apologies and not the other way round - He is the one who should've been there for you from day one and not created a living hell and dysfunctional home life - Your mother deserves a medal for trying so hard but sounds like your father made it impossible - as for putting a 'for sale' notice on the tepee your mother made for you - that is totally despicable just shows how immature and incapable he was - in short he sounds like an overgrown school kid who has never learned some compassion and humanity - your dad was not a proper father to you - not at all and it's not right that you should be holding on to misplaced guilt here - you deserved so much more than that - we need to learn to love ourselves no matter what - and when we are born into this world as innocent little beings we depend on the parent to protect and love us - how is it in the animal world most mothers of the young automatically love and protect - We never asked to be born into this difficult world and we all deserve love, protection and to be given the BEST example of how to love and know that we're loved - Your anger is justified your trust was totally betrayed and your stepmother should've been arrested for child abuse and your father for aiding and abetting.  As parents we are duty bound to protect defenceless children - the fact that I was never protected gave me the message that I wasn't worth it which in turn pushed me into similar adult relationships where I accepted violence wrongly believing it was all part of a so-called 'loving relationship'  Neither Physically or Mentally hurting your supposed 'nearest and dearest'  has got NOTHING to do a 'True, Healthy Loving Relationship - None at All  - you've been given ALL the wrong messages by adults who have treated you VERY badly If you father can't give his sincere apologies and raise his game and condemn the violence of that woman he's with then he needs treatment - whether it's alcohol, or drugs or merely a mental disorder you'll be fighting a losing battle unless these people get treatment.  Take care of yourself Bob you DESERVE the BEST after all of that - It's possible you've developed Post Traumatic Stress - I was determined my own sons would get a better childhood than I ever had and I wanted them to know that they were loved - Find kinder and more gentle friends to be with -Learning Mindfulness meditation can be a helpful tool and of course a good therapist - learn to respect yourself and your own safety and peace of mind - There are many 12 Step support groups around ACA (Adult Child of Alcoholic or Dysfunctional families - Co-Da that teaches us to learn to lov

Bob said
my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

e and respect oneself - Al-anon - Al-Ateen (for children/teenagers from dysfunctiona families  AA You will find many like yourself in those meetings - (((Hugs)))  

April 16, 2016
5:29 am
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fred
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Aww Bob, that's a sad story.  It sounds like you had no refuge from the emotional pain that was heaped upon you.  Your parents were aware of the pain that they put you through, but didn't seem to care. Both were in a mission to hurt each other, and you were "collateral damage."   They both should be ashamed of themselves, and that most assuredly includes your wicked stepmother.  Enough!   Quit going down memory lane alone!   Sometimes pain is just to raw to digest alone. In all fairness, your parents needed to act like adults, for your emotional health. Now hear you are in this angst, that needs to be assuaged.

Get in touch with your Dad, sounds like you need it Bob. Sounds like you all need to apologize and make amends to each other. Ask yourself, if you are ready for a possible rejection? Ask yourself if you are ready to accept your new siblings?  Ask yourself if you are ready to apologize?  It sounds like you have grown emotionally and ready for a reconciliation.  

Write a letter, and see what happens first.  I have a feeling that perhaps everybody involved may be tired of the immature alienation also. I've always been empowered with the integrity of a true apology.  Lots of folks don't know how great it is to just say, " I'm sorry". Try it, they may be ready.  Oh yeah, thank you for allowing me to read how my son may be feeling. I needed to see that side also. Sometimes emotional pain becomes to strong to look at from all sides.

April 16, 2016
12:52 am
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Bob
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my parents split up when I was about 6. I loved both my parents although neither were perfect they put me thru hell manipulating me against each other. My mom would do anything for me and my dad helped coach sports and we had a lot of good moments. He would do things like throw me down and stuff for not listening never hit me but my mom would involve the cops if had bruises making everything worse just to be cunty cuz she hated my dad. Then my mom made this Indian tepee for me and my friends to have sleepovers and it was for me to play in and my dad had it in the yard with a for sale sign so she took it and he called the cops on her got her arrested in front of me cuz he hated her. Their hate for each other was stronger than their love for me but despite all this shit I didn't have the worst life. One day when I was 11 I get off the bus to start a new week at my dads and he's not home cuz he's in Vegas and didn't tell my mom to keep me an extra week so finally the next week comes and he in the kitchen with his new girlfriend that I only met a few times and he tells me they got married. I was shocked and a kinda mad he didn't tell me he was gonna do the shit but other than that didn't fell strongly either way cuz I barely knew her. Turns out she's 38 years old never had kids never married and hated me almost right away cuz she's not used to 12 year old boys doing immature kid shit. She wouldn't allow my dad to play catch with me hardly or do anything with me even tho I was only there every other week she was jealous. He took her side always my baseball team went to Cooperstown New York for a tournament and to visit the hall of fame she made him stay home when we had this planned before they even met she made my dog live outside she called me a retard because I was in a lower math class. One night she had been drinking I called her a bitch and she beat the shit out of me punched and slapped me in the face several times while my dad watched and only stopped her after my face was really fucked up. I go to school tell what happened child services gets involved I only go over for visits after that then the abuse turned to intense psychological she told neighbors that soon I would be out of the family she would pick try to get me to blow up she found out I had an incident at my moms where I got arrested and would tell me I belong in a cage. One day I was on a swing set she told me to get off cuz if I fell and got a bruise my "crazy bitch of a mom" would call the cops I was so mad I started cussing her out then my dad came and I told him what he said and he backed her up said my mom was crazy that sent me into a seething rage I got a handful of sand threw it in her face then took off on my dad punching him in the chest and I ended up breaking my wrist on one of the punches. I didn't feel the pain until like 20 minutes later when I calmed down cuz I was so angry my vision was spotting and my fingertips and legs were tingling. I told my mom what happened and she told the cops my dad broke my wrist(later she swears she misunderstood me) I didn't intend to lie but at the time I saw it as a way out I hated my stepmom and also my dad at the time for basically choosing her over me. So I went with the lie and didn't talk to him ever again except for once in counseling when I was 15 once we got food when I was 16 and once when he gave me my dog cuz he was moving to Florida and his wife didn't want to take it with them when I was 18. I remember when I was 12 telling the judge I want zero relationship with him she warned me that I would wake up one day when I'm like 30 and regret not having that relationship at least in some capacity and at the time I didn't believe her now I'm 19 and about a week ago I broke down and cried for the first time harder than I have ever cried in my life it hurts worse than anything you could imagine I only think how he must feel. I take some comfort in the fact that he has 2 more kids now but it's killing me. I caution anyone in a similar position that justified or not losing a relationship with a parent will come back to hurt you somewhere down the line do everything you can to hold onto that relationship even if it's just talking every once in a while whatever just don't let that shit go you only get one.

April 10, 2016
1:11 pm
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carolyn
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Judith, I just finished reading your story and really do feel for you and the travesties you have been through.  I am sure it was very therapeutic for you to vent and put it on paper.  You seem highly intelligent and well versed.  Have you thought about publishing your story or writing a book?  Your story of how you persevered could bring hope to others.  Learning that I was worth standing up for and not letting others define me took over twenty years to learn and actually do but it is always a work in progress.  May you have peace and happiness in your life.  You deserve it.

April 9, 2016
6:25 pm
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Judith
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LH said
Judith, it might be useful to remember that despite all her wisdom, Alice Miller was a horrific mother to her own son, continuing her abuse of him until her death. Awareness of abusive behavior, even deep understanding of it, doesn't guarantee that a person won't act abusively.

It sounds like you've had a horrible life. I commend you for the work you've done on yourself to get through it.

But it also sounds like the chaos in your current life is unending. Like Anonymouse, I was exhausted after reading it. Your defensive response to Anonymouse's response, plus your multiple rapid-fire posts immediately afterward, suggest that something Anonymouse said struck a nerve.

Please, show this thread to your therapist. See what they say. It's possible that some of the keys you need to be released from your pain are locked away where you can't see them, but others can.

 LH Whilst I'm sure your suggestions to 'show this thread to a therapist' is well meant - not only am I an extremely independent adult  I am also master of my own fate and future well being -That night I wrote that first Blog came out of an anxiety attack - I think I'm still going through a late menopause - By the way therapists are all too often quite Co-Dependent  needing us more than we need them!!  No my current life may seem like it but it's definitely not unending chaos' I might have given that impression in the way some of it was written  -  But those events I've described have occurred over more than four decades 44yrs starting at the point when I went through my self imposed immediately withdrawal from three lots of drugs that I had no business being put on in the first place.  Which then prompted me to dispense with the father of my grown up sons now aged 50 and 47  -  I don't need a 1-2-1 therapist anymore - I freed myself from self doubt and chronic low self worth - I've no idea about Alice Miller's child rearing history -& not sure where the details came from - She did have enemies in the establishment- resigning from body of psychotherapists- She'd been in denial over the relationship with her own mother believing it was perfectly fine - Till she admitted when she began Stettbacher's 'Free Associative Painting' therapy - the truth of it suddenly hit her. But for me she opened the prison gates  She condemned flawed  religious dogma 'Spare the rod and spoil the child' and 'Honour They Mother & Father No Matter What They Do- ' Turn the Other Cheek' where does it say when enough is enough ? Senseless controlling proclamations that in turn caused children to believe the inflicted untold abuse was deserved. And as I did conditions them to walk straight into further abusive relationships in adulthood.  It was my grandmother's geriatrician who pointed out her drug problem needed urgent attention - I'd have missed and overlooked the need to research drug data and what the hell I'd naively trusted doctors had my 'best interest at heart' - Far from it judging from their unjust and prejudiced comments left in my notes - How strange that a supposed outwardly 'loving' spouse should denounce the drugbook (British National Formulary) the doctors' mini bible that I brought home to  showing him the shocking warnings of such side effects as 'possible brain damage from longterm use (15yrs) Addiction (anywhere between 4-14 days) and like walking into a labyrinth and forgetting my way out - 'Amnesia' (how convenient for a philanderer ) to have him exclaim 'You and your STUPID book of drugs - Diabetics have drugs for life so what's the harm?'

'But I'm not going to DIE if I come off am I!!'

But instinctively he knew the game was up once off and I'd no longer believe that I'd driven him to yet another infidelity.

Inner Child work & self esteem gradually changed all that.  To demonstrate how appallingly dangerous thee mind altering drugs are in frustrated relationships - within less than a month of going 'cold turkey' I suddenly saw the face that had taunted me and put  me down which the drugs had disallowed me to see for 22 years - and in a state of severe tranquilliser withdrawal, only 6-8 weeks from Ovarian cyst surgery, seeing both of my sons leave home to start work in the Queens bank in the Strand (I must have done something right!) and the miserable death of my grandmother I'm sure was finished off by an overdose  in the old peoples home to release her bed - witnessing public auctions of the contents of the house I'd never actually come to terms with leaving - entirely altering the direction of my whole life for the worst.  I chose to do various types of therapy over a number of years - as I mentioned Inner Child, Willhelm Reich's Biodynamic body work etc and EMDR etc and a great deal of self awareness - plus doing a short Person Centred Counselling Course - I've learned to be good to myself - value my own achievements and being a far better mother than I ever had myself.

I told my sons that I was so sorry they didn't get the childhood that they should have had. 

I told my youngest that I was very sorry for telling him 'grow up' especially since he was forced to grow up too soon and I recalled him sitting holding my hand like the little hero he was while I lay there trapped in a multicoloured benzodiazepine straitjacket - I didn't want to lose my children to boarding school - they were my only witnesses - on the other hand the cocktail of drugs made me feel so ill and I'm certain 

 I'm not prepared to hand my power over to yet another therapist who may or may not be appropriate or have worked on themself enough or as much as I have

I wrote  an autobiographical account of the last 44yrs since my divorce -because this time of year resurrected anniversaries of loss. Not events that have all happened in the present!  As people have described such events -  like peeling an onion - bit by bit one sheds just a little more of the pain and grief that presents itself - one is never entirely over feeling unloved by one's parent.  It comes and it goes.

I'm able to rest when I need to and most importantly I'm in control of my own life -I'm no longer answerable to anyone  -(except the normal everyday expectations of the taxman, utilities and governmental dues )  

Nobody's forced to read all of what I write in one gulp! For heavens sake!  I managed to get through it surely to god others can read it and survive!!  I survived and I'm hear to tell the tale.

I'm no longer monitored as happened in childhood - I prefer to choose for myself what I do each day - when I get up or when I go to bed - if I leave or choose not to leave the house.  Not having to explain whether I've failed or succeeded in some task or other.  Freedom for me has been my most joyous achievement - nobody rings me up and expects me to justify what I've done all day.  No spouse arrives at the end of the day wondering why dirty clothes might be lying at the bottom of the stairs - or why dinner isn't ready. 

My responses to Anonymouse weren't all about his response to me  - But far more about his the subtly  cold post to Lynne - being another from UK like me-knowing the US has a very differnt mindset in a number of areas - I used to fear the opinions of others but not anymore -But just because someone says it doesn't make it so - Having survived what I saw and experienced in South Africa during Apartied and the shocking violence and racism of my parents nothing could ever be as bad as that - so really nothing anyone says really bothers me that much -But I will stand up for myself because  I'm extremely self aware - I was once lied about relentlessly and therefore I will insist on the truth being told especially when it's about me - They say that 10% of the world will always love you no matter what - and another 10% will always hate you no matter what - and the other 80% doesn't give a shit!   Well 10% of the world is enough for me so I'm heading in that direction!!

I was the very best mother as I strived to be inasmuch as the medical profession in all it's deluded grandiosity allowed -I certainly ensured the father of my children did NOT lay a hand on them - I'd bake bread, hot cross buns at the crack of dawn on Good Fridays - Xmas puddings, cakes - always ensured my sons were well fed and had the best education that were available - kept going and remained at my post till the bitter end because I could never abandon them as my mother repeatedly abandoned me - ensured my children knew where home was and cooked nice meals for their boarding school friends who'd come home for the day  three times each term - I ensured they got all what I never had - with an alcoholic mother it was impossible ever to take anyone home!

NObody's forced to read all I write - I write it for myself in the first place and if anybody cares to read then let them but I wouldn't want anyone to have a heart attack!!! Lol !!

I can assure you I still enjoy myself go to the movies cook myself nice meals - go out for a meal on my own - 

Like I said while writing the first blog - it was the anniversary of my grandmother's death (30yrs) The grandmother who'd had such high expectations of me - booked me into Art College, joined me up to play violin with Woodbridge Orchestra, and organised a RedCross concert where I was organised to sing and play in aid of the charity!  However she wasn't aware of the horrific time I'd had in the monstrous boarding 'school' run by a couple of closets - the violent female quack and her equally violent secretary, an ex mental nurse from the forties.  My grandmother had shared lessons with Princess Mary at Marlborough House because her brother was special equerry to Edward Prince of Wales (the King who abdicated) Granny was born in 1895 and youngest child of the Paymaster General during the First War.  Her elder sister married a soldier who returned wounded and appeared recovered then suddenly died of blood poisoning.   The brother Piers (Joey)Legh married a young mother of three, an American war widow Sarah Polk;  daughter of Judge Bradford of Woodstock Nashville Tennessee.  I only learned all of that after my grandmother died.  Her father was responsible for the repatriation and exchange of thousand of PoWs and initially expected to return the most senior combatants decided instead to pay to get them all back.  Some 800,000  according to war records.  I'm very proud of that fact and unlike today's politicians; refused to be paid for that job. His wife while accompanying her new husband's new job at the Paris Embassy in 1881 was the first portrait of an English lady painted by John Singer Sargent.  My mother seemed hellbent on disinheriting me at every turn.  Complaining that I ruined her life by being born it took till I was about forty to retaliate and tell her 'Well this was your mistake because I never asked to be born!!'  By the time I was 18 after years in exile and made to feel like I was the criminal when in fact my mother fitted the bill - I was finally allowed to go and live with my grandmother. It was the sixties and all I wanted was ' winkle pickers', miniskirts and Dusty Springfield eye makeup - she on the other hand insisted I should have brogues, camel hair coat and Elizabeth Arden and slapped my face.  Suddenly the place I'd always visualised as my one safe place disintegrated.  It was no different to what I experienced in London with my mother.   All I wanted was coffee bars, playing music on jukeboxes and the movies.  I didn't fit in a life of cocktail parties, young men with silver spoons hanging out of their mouths with their Oxbridge  accents - and the arrival of my two cousins soon convinced me - your mother's mad, your father's a jailbird  and you.....  well what they called me was so bad I blocked it out for years and was only reminded 30yrs later. 

I'm sorry that some would prefer to believe a person like myself having described a few life events  could not possibly have survived those abuses and still retains all of her marbles - the fact is I do - that's because I never denied what I went through or the pain - Alice Miller rightly warns those of us who prefer to remain in denial about the way we were treated in childhood are liable to replicate some or all of it on our own children.  The criminally prescribed Valium dulled my normal perceptions  through prejudice as proven in my notes - the monstrous Welsh psychiatrist who not only had a chip on his shoulder but a bleeding brick - was sticking up for the spouse - making me the sacrificial lamb - said of the discovered  first (known) infidelity 'Opened husband's letter from girlfriend 'Advised forget it or ignore it!'  I'd just been sterilised at just 24 and we'd moved from all the people I knew to a miserable town in Suffolk close to the ex's family - the mother-in-law who'd battered my face and head with my own Mason&Pearson hairbrush falsely accusing me of theft to distract from the prospective brother-in-law (later to sexually abuse all 3 of his baby girls) being carted off to borstal  -  February, March April are just hard anniversaries particularly this year my grandmother's miserable death exactly 30yrs ago 8 April - And Easter brings memories of my first discharge after 2yrs intensive surgery. Finding my grandmother's original letter in my hospital notes confirming I'd be going to live with her. But my mother had other ideas - and more importantly I served a purpose allowing her to claim additional income from the family trustees - But in one of their letters to her they pointed out 'There are some things that all  parents pay for their children!  She'd send them lists of every conceivable item - I recall the shame of reading aged around 14 her list included sanitary items! She did her best to annihilate me-that's what mothers who hate their daughters do - A well known fact that the mother/daughter relationship when it 's bad it's the worst. Like the queen bee needs to kill her competitors -'Better out than in!'  I share my truth and refuse to deny it -I'm emptying the brain of poisoning  repressed emotions and memories I'd been forced to withhold for my own safety - Like the body with an abscess that needs to be drained -I'm offloading and sharing my truth as a means of self validation - some call it "bearing witness" for the sake of those as yet not quite strong enough to do it for themselves.  For years nobody knew where I was or what was happening to me - now I'm making up for lost time as an only child! I am also  determined to disclose the truth and describe the pain on behalf of the ones who were also installed at the shocking so-called boarding 'school' by their criminal 'parent' figures - a place for the supposed 'maladjusted' which in fact was  run by the most maladjusted pair of violent harridans who drove some to suicide unable to escape - my mother criminally installed me for her own ends -  And for anyone else who finds themselves in such a place (((Hugs)))) to all you survivors - it's necessary to put yourself and your own well being and happiness first because sadly it's unlikely anybody else will.  

 

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