Forum

Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_Feed Topic RSS sp_TopicIcon
Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
April 3, 2012
10:17 am
Avatar
Elke
Guest
Guests

Leigh, AlAnon is not for someone who is addicted themselves, rather for a relative/family member of someone who is.

Elke

February 29, 2012
7:10 pm
Avatar
Leigh
Guest
Guests

Dear Helen Marie,

Thank you for your kind and supporting words. I feel, at times, that I am the only one of my kind. I do not hate my parents, I love them, but I do not care for the lifestyle they are choosing to live, and the lies they are trying to fill into others.
AlAnon, and forgive my judgement, but isn't that for an addiction (whatever that may be)? I do not drink (since my Brother was killed by a drunk), I do not smoke and I've never done any drug, of any form. ( I feel that surrounding myself with those who have would cause must misfortune to my coming this far in my journey.
I do need to seek out other options though, counceling is more then I can afford at this point, and none of my friends have any idea what I'm going through...which makes the relationships that much more tried and tested.
I find that reading other peoples' stories and hearing their jorneys makes for an interesting view on other peoples lives and gives me a small tid-bit of advice in my own problems with my parents.
I just find that the more I hear about from other family members, about the lies, white lies, twists, etc., that he is spreading is making me even that much more angry with them, and making me want to be in their life even less. and really, it's quite sad.

I'm so lonely.

February 25, 2012
1:51 pm
Avatar
Helen Marie
Guest
Guests

Leigh,
I empathize with you and your situation/constant feeling that you 'have' to be part of your parent's life. Children raised in very dysfunctional families are made to feel guilty if they want to improve their life and 'move on' - distancing themselves from abuse, etc. You need to understand that you are the 'healthy one' by wanting this. It's very hard to stay strong without support. If you can afford counselling, I would recommend it. I also recommend AlAnon.

As an adult, you need to live your life for you. I heard a quote recently which I'd like to share. "I'd rather be loathed for who I am, than loved for what I'm not."

Best wishes.

February 25, 2012
1:51 pm
Avatar
Helen Marie
Guest
Guests

Leigh,
I empathize with you and your situation/constant feeling that you 'have' to be part of your parent's life. Children raised in very dysfunctional families are made to feel guilty if they want to improve their life and 'move on' - distancing themselves from abuse, etc. You need to understand that you are the 'healthy one' by wanting this. It's very hard to stay strong without support. If you can afford counselling, I would recommend it. I also recommend AlAnon.

As an adult, you need to live your life for you. I heard a quote recently which I'd like to share. "I'd rather be loathed for who I am, than loved for what I'm not."

Best wishes.

February 25, 2012
1:16 pm
Avatar
Leigh
Guest
Guests

I've been estranged from my parents for nearly 6mths as of right now. The straw that broke the camels' back was when my 20yr old brother passed away about a year and a half ago. All of the pain, emotions and feelings from the last 25yrs of my growing up suddenly came into play in my life, and I wasn't happy with where my life was it. My 3 other siblings and myself suffered physical, verbal and emotional abuse growing up, from our Father. My mother spoke up very infrequently, and when she did, an all out argument insued between them. My father lies, maniuplates and twists things to his liking. My entire family is overly conservative christian (my grandfather being a preacher). My whole life I was raised and taught to be a certain way, and I then turned an adult, and it was no longer acceptable in my fathers eyes. Everything has always about him. The comment was made when i was in grade school that we couldn't be in sports because their (my parents) lives didn't revolve around ours and they weren't going to spend their lives chasing and running us all around town to different events their whole lives. They have discontinued being parents the day I turned 18. I was the oldest, so they were the hardest on me, rightfully so I guess. They allowed (and practically encouraged) my younger siblings to drink (the oldest being 14 at the time), smoke cigarettes, smoke pot, abuse pills, etc. They were told from many, many people what was going on at the time, and yet they refused to see what was happening right under their nose. Although I know there is never a problem with one aggressor, I feel like they really are most of the problem.
I did try over and over, trying to "mend" things with them. they are my parents afterall. many, many text messages, many phone calls, all my father trying to change my way of thinking, telling me he is positive i'll be a much better parent, but that my dogs don't count (which by the way, i've never claimed to be parents to my 4legged pets). it's always something with my parents, and with the death of my brother, things have only gotten worse- eveything is "woe is me"...and it's frankly, pathetic.

how can i get past this constant feeling that I HAVE to be a part of my parents' life? My ulta-conservative-christian family members are trying to push me into having their "one life, one set of parents" mentality...

help!

February 3, 2012
12:39 pm
Avatar
Marie
Guest
Guests

I have not had contact with my parents for 12 years. I have attempted to reconcile but they do not want anything to do with me. They have never met my children. My eldest daughter is now old enough to understand the situation on some level and is very sad that she has not yet met her grandparents. My concern is what this is currently doing to her emotionally and physically (she has been complaining of headaches and stomach aches) and how this will affect her in the future. Has anyone else experienced something similar? I know I need to do something to address the sadness and loss we feel as a family but I just don't know what that is yet...

December 23, 2011
7:56 pm
Avatar
Helen Marie
Guest
Guests

Dear Mike,
I'm thinking of you and other children who had abusive parents, this holiday season and hope you are keeping your spirits up. Reading your story reminds me of my son. Always remember, you didn't deserve the life you were dealt as a child, and I give you so much credit for rising above the abuse and creating a life of your own, away from your dysfunctional family. I hope you meet a wonderful companion to share life with - someone who understands you and loves you - you sound like a very caring person. Please try to remember it was not your fault that your parents did not know how to love you or treat you. It's hard for me to understand why my daughter is abusive to me, like her father was. Yes, it's stressful, especially around the holidays - we all wish for that 'something' we don't have - a loving, caring family. May we all stay strong and get thru the holidays feeling appreciative of all that we do have - friends, good health, a job, etc. Merry Christmas to all.

December 12, 2011
8:34 pm
Avatar
Mike
Guest
Guests

Helen Marie,

U do feel sorry for your situation. I can't imagine losing your son to this type of tragedy. I think the abuse your daughter saw has effected her more than she thinks...my siblings were very mean to me also..in fact one of them told me I had victim's disease and life was not all that bad..of course this came from the favored child . I am sure your daughter is abusive because that is what she learned from her father and now thinks that it is ok..I hope you can find peace with all this...it's not an easy life...I am depressed 95% of the time so I feel for you

December 12, 2011
8:24 pm
Avatar
Helen
Guest
Guests

I was estranged from my father for 45 years after my parents divorced. Of course now, I feel guilty and wish I had behaved differently. Currently my youngest daughter has cut me out of her life. I hope my father did not suffer as I have. This is a miserable situation and one I can only hope will be solved between me and my daughter. Unfortunately, my father passed away before I saw him and could talk with him again.

December 12, 2011
12:15 pm
Avatar
Helen Marie
Guest
Guests

Dear Mike,
I feel so bad for you. You deserved a better childhood; unfortunately, you can't pick your parents. Some children are fortunate and have two parents that treat them well and love them – others aren't near as lucky. You were born into a very dysfunctional family. My alcoholic husband treated our son rotten, beat him, and he became very depressed. He ended up taking his life when he was 23. (Even with my love and support, he couldn't overcome his father's mistreatment.) I left my husband years ago. Our daughter was the favored one by her father. He showed favoratism from the time she was born. For the last 13 yrs., I am considered 'totally disabled' because my rotten ex beat me so badly, I am unable to work or drive, due to uncontrollable seizures. Almost a year ago my daughter told me she wants my money now, before I get older and possibly have to go into a home. She said to me, "It's my money – who else would you give it to but me – I'm all you have!"

Like you, I cut ties with her and haven't seen her since. She sees nothing wrong with what she said to me. It's hard to believe that she favors her abusive father. In fact, she has become just like him – very verbally and emotionally abusive and lacks empathy for anything her brother or I have endured by this man.

Mike, I give you alot of credit to have moved on and cut them out of your life. Your parents don't deserve your respect or deserve your love! They are the real losers. They lost you - a wonderful son!

December 12, 2011
6:45 am
Avatar
Mike
Guest
Guests

I have no problem telling my story now. For my whole life, deep down inside I always knew things were messed up in my family. My mother and father were very abusive and showed extreme favoritism toward one of my siblings. There was always excuses why I did not get things or why they treated me so different in a cruel and mean way.

Over time, I realized more and more how messed up my parents were..my mother was extremely emotionally abusive and my father enabled the abuse...so slowly I just withdrew from them, never called them back, never emailed them back and came to realize that I am way better off now..I have re built my self esteem, my self worth and my whole outlook on life. Granted, I will tell you this...I am very depressed given my lost childhood and some life experiences that I missed out on.

My father still makes excuses why he treated me like total crap...the man does not get it and I am not going to continue to allow them to abuse me..hence I do NOT talk to them because of the dysfunction and abuse.

I find it very interesting that many of these estranged parents blame the children and many do not thing they did anything wrong..I highly doubt that is true...they just wont admit it...like most parents.

Coping with the loss is difficult. The one thing I realize is that I want a son - father/mother relationship...I just want it with real parents...not the parents that I grew up with.

November 26, 2011
2:47 pm
Avatar
Louise
Guest
Guests

Please share your stories and how you cope with the loss.
There needs to be light shed on our side of the estrangements.
All of the focus is on the parents' side of story.
This suggests that we want to be estranged, not that we were left without any other choice.

Forum Timezone: America/Los_Angeles

Most Users Ever Online: 887

Currently Online:
10 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 1353

Members: 4

Moderators: 0

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 1

Forums: 8

Topics: 1329

Posts: 7165