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Adult Childen Estranged from your parents, Please come forward!
April 30, 2018
6:56 pm
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Sad Daughter
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Does anyone know of any support groups in NYC for the adult children of estranged parents?  I have been estranged from my father almost my whole life.  Now, my mother is leaving me no choice but to cut off contact. I feel alone - I'm a 34 year old orphan.  I see support groups online for the parents, but what about the adult children?  It's very disappointing as it just goes along with their stories - neither parent at any point in my life has taken responsibility for their actions and how they've treated me and abused me.

April 19, 2018
10:59 am
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Josephine
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It has been 1 year & 4 months since my father estranged himself from my mother, my brother, myself, and my son.  I am 34 yrs old, my son is 7, my brother is 30, and my mom is 64.  They were married for 34 years.  We had a great childhood.  He was a great father.  He left the day after Christmas and we haven't heard or seen him since.  He left for another woman and never looked back.  One would think being older it would be easier, but it's not.  My son asks about him now and then.  My son is his one and only grandchild.  They had a good relationship together.  It's one thing to want to leave for another woman and divorce your wife, but it's another thing to divorce your entire family.  We were shocked, and still shocked to this day, at how he could just cut ties with us all.  I've been searching online for books and online articles to help and just happened to come across this one.  I think about him every day and miss him every day but I'm angry and hurt, especially for my son.  I can never forgive him for doing this to our family.

April 5, 2018
2:41 pm
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Hart
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Kate said
Today is the first time I researched any type of online support for being in an estranged family. It's Easter Sunday and I am a believer of Christ.  I want today to be a day of celebration, however it's being spent with tears in my eyes, looking for additional hope on the internet--scanning for any sort of life that knows how I feel about being estranged from my father.  It's my first Easter without him and it's eerily as upsetting as Christmas, Thanksgiving, and my birthday was.  It's as exhausting and excruciating as that random Thursday in January and the moments where the view of "what could have been" creep up into my mind during unreasonable times.  It takes energy to not think of him--to not wonder how he's doing, how he's spending his day, and if he thinks of me too.  However, it's harder for my mind to go to the latter because I worry so intensely that he actually isn't okay and that I've broken his heart by taking the leap of nurturing myself before him.  It's confusing because I long for him to be okay, but yet imagining that he's fine and able to function is difficult too.  

July 13, 2017 was the last time I saw him and sometime in the fall was when I sent the final letter saying I couldn't be a part of his unhealthiness any more.  Ambiguous loss consumes me at times, even though I know that I needed to let go of putting my IN him.  I needed to be able to have hope FOR him, but at a distance where it's emotionally safe because he is not emotionally safe.  I can talk to my friends and other family members who support me.  I can continue dialoging and processing with my therapist.  But I don't know anyone who's been through this.  So I suppose that's why I look to you guys, because deep down, I just need to know that we exist.  I need to know I'm not the only one.    

Hi Kate,

I'm in a similar situation with my mom. I, like you, am a Christian and have struggled with this awful decision to detach from my parent. It's an extremely difficult and complex process. I have not spoken to my mom in nearly a year.  We were always very close, so it has been terribly hard for me, but necessary. I feel your pain and hope we can find peace in knowing were making the right choice for our own health. 

April 1, 2018
12:55 pm
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Kate
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Today is the first time I researched any type of online support for being in an estranged family. It's Easter Sunday and I am a believer of Christ.  I want today to be a day of celebration, however it's being spent with tears in my eyes, looking for additional hope on the internet--scanning for any sort of life that knows how I feel about being estranged from my father.  It's my first Easter without him and it's eerily as upsetting as Christmas, Thanksgiving, and my birthday was.  It's as exhausting and excruciating as that random Thursday in January and the moments where the view of "what could have been" creep up into my mind during unreasonable times.  It takes energy to not think of him--to not wonder how he's doing, how he's spending his day, and if he thinks of me too.  However, it's harder for my mind to go to the latter because I worry so intensely that he actually isn't okay and that I've broken his heart by taking the leap of nurturing myself before him.  It's confusing because I long for him to be okay, but yet imagining that he's fine and able to function is difficult too.  

July 13, 2017 was the last time I saw him and sometime in the fall was when I sent the final letter saying I couldn't be a part of his unhealthiness any more.  Ambiguous loss consumes me at times, even though I know that I needed to let go of putting my IN him.  I needed to be able to have hope FOR him, but at a distance where it's emotionally safe because he is not emotionally safe.  I can talk to my friends and other family members who support me.  I can continue dialoging and processing with my therapist.  But I don't know anyone who's been through this.  So I suppose that's why I look to you guys, because deep down, I just need to know that we exist.  I need to know I'm not the only one.  

March 15, 2018
11:00 am
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Holly
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I have been estranged from my biological father my whole life.  My mom lied to me and my step dad and told us my biological father had died before I was born. She had told us a name and that his parents wanted nothing to do with me.  Growing up i always wondered about them and my father she had no pictures no nothing of his at all.  When i was about 14 I decided to try and find his parents and began asking more questions by the time I was 16 I realized that she was lying however I didn't know to what extent. When I was 18 she told me that he had not died and that my biological father could be one of two men. One was my half siblings uncle and of course she had a whole story for that one and then the other one was a man who was married and she had an affair with and she could tell me lots about him but couldn't remember his last name. I have longed for the answer to who my biological father is for so long and it has left its told of emotional scares.  I'm now 38 and my step dad, who was my world and a great father to me passed away 6 years ago and I miss him everyday.  My mom and I don't have the greatest relationship due to the fact of the father issue and that she dumped me off at every relative I have to run around the county with my step dad. Though I try so hard not to hold a grudge against her I struggle with it.  I recently found the last name of the man and wrote him a letter but got no response and I did a DNA test with the daughter of my siblings uncle and he is not my father so not I'm left with the Man who had an affair or another lie from her and I can't seem to move passed it.  I have made a good life for myself and have a loving husband who has stood behind me though everything and tries to understand but its hard because he had two loving parents and not all the lies from his mother. 

February 1, 2018
12:12 am
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Scapegoat
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My sister lost a lot of weight and began making passive-aggressive jabs at me, even though I have always been the smaller sister.  My mom joined her telling me how fat I was at 124 pounds.  When I reacted to that my mother told me I was crazy and needed therapy. My dad chimed in that I was vain and always wanted to be the center of attention; nothing could be further from the truth, I was always the quiet wall flower. They all agreed that I was over sensitive and mentally unstable.

My husband had told me for years that my family dynamic was not normal.  I knew that to some extent, my dad had rage issues and had hit me, my mom and my sister on many occasions.  I was so upset about their comments that I brought up this abuse.  My father was enraged and stopped speaking to me.  He put pressure on other family members  and I have been ostracized for nearly two years now.

I began to do research and talked to a couple of counselors.  They told me my family was toxic/dysfunctional and that I had been the family scapegoat for most of my life.  I don’t know if I would have ever come to this realization of my husband had not been there to say “why do you let them treat you that way?” I would beg him to just let it pass and keep the peace.

I went through some pretty serious mourning at first I have great nieces and nephews whom I will never see again.  Time heals all wounds as they say but I look back on my life now and see so many issues not only as a child but as an adult.  I lived my life based on fear that my father would hear something bad about me.  

I am pretty sure that both my dad and sister  have Narcissistic Personality disorder.  I am not sure what my mothers issue is, I know she stood by and let my father beat, kick and choke me on my tenth birthday because I had a poor grade in penmanship.  She did not protect me and that is just wrong.  

I don’t know how you learn “normal” at age 53 but I am definitely changing.  If they break their silence at some point and try to reconcile they will find me unwilling to come back.

December 26, 2017
9:45 pm
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Renn
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My mom and I are in about a 7-year cycle of mini-estrangements and I’m at a loss at 30 years old. My mom had a crappy childhood in foster care and got pregnant with me at 18; she married my dad and they had a ok marriage/life until I was about 11. My parents got divorced, and it was basically my mom who left. Years later it was revealed she had an affair with our pastor, which was shocking and hurtful to say the least. Backtracking, when my parents began a painful and drawn out separation of 2 years, I found it very difficult to deal with. I  also began to butt heads with my mom who I felt was abandoning us. She has never taken accountability for anything she’s ever done wrong, and often manipulates me. She has done this over the years and when I don’t cow to her manipulation/control, she will stop talking to me for a period of time. I have gone to counselling for years and ended up with that role have reversed and I am now often parenting my mother, offering wisdom, and taking the higher road.

 

Recently, after about 7 years of a good relationship, she attempted to manipulate me over a minor conflict we had (I thought) resolved months earlier. When I confronted her on this, she lost it and denied anything; I then asked her to for incentive take accountability for her actions, and said that if she chose to not talk to me instead of dealing with it, that would be (as always) hurtful. She swore me up and down and told me to find a counselor; we did not speak until recently she asked for me to FaceTime with her infant grandchild. I asked if she wanted to reconcile which got a solid no. She has taken away any connections I have had with her now and paints herself as a victim to others, including my adult brother who has autism and has sided with her based on her story. I don’t really know what to do, I just know that at 30 my patience for her immaturity is spent. 

October 29, 2017
7:29 pm
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Iron Mommi
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unsure2 said
It has been so cathartic to find this forum. I am the oldest of 8 children. I have a fantastic job, and have been financially independent from my parents since I was 16. At 30 years old I feel like I've done a pretty fantastic job at being an adult and am ready to move forward to the next stage of my life - I have found someone I love and recently got engaged. Before getting engaged, my now fiance reached out to my parents, and gained my fathers blessing before proposing. However, since he reached out to my parents my mother ( a stepmother but the only mother I have ever known) has completely stopped talking to me. Worse, she has banned mention of me at home where my father and 6 younger siblings (ages 7-17) live. I am incredibly close to my family- I try to talk to all of my siblings every day, and go home 3 to 4 times a year. We recently lost my 8 year old sister to a chronic illness and throughout her life I was close to her, and supported my family as much as I could- hours on the phone supporting my mom, going home always to spend time with her and give my mom a reprieve from being a caretaker just to name a few examples. I've made every effort to be a supportive and loving daughter and sister. My fiance is a year older than me, and is incredible in every single way, and truly any parents dream. I feel immensely lucky to know him, and I would't bring him into my family or choose to start a family with him if I wasn't 100% certain that he would be a great brother-in-law to my siblings and son in law to my parents. He has gone above and beyond to make my family comfortable, including driving over 500 miles to meet my family for the first time, without me, before proposing. My mom's reason for writing him off however is that we do not share the same cultural background. As immigrants to this country, my parents fought very hard to maintain their cultural identity and pass it along to us kids. I've spent a lot of my time doing activist and cultural work to maintain that part of my heritage as it is important to me. I speak my family's home language and am the only one of my siblings to do so. I travel back to my parents hometown often, and my partner is nothing but supportive and understanding about the importance of my culture to my identity. We have already decided I would not change my last name, and we would send out children to a language immersion school so that they could speak my family's language as well. 

Despite all of this, my name has become a dirty word at my house. I wish I could be angry, but instead I am in so much pain thinking that I've hurt my mother. I also am incredibly saddened that she is bringing darkness to my siblings and to my father who is now emotionally pulling back from me. I have a 27 year old sister whom my parents cut out of their lives long ago as she was difficult to get along with. Knowing that I am now ending up in the same boat despite doing my best to balance being a good daughter, being a good role model for my siblings, and pursuing my own happiness, is devastating. I'm ready to throw in the towel and call off my engagement if it meant that my mother would feel better, would talk to me again, and would be easier on  my siblings and dad so I can continue my relationship with them. But to be honest, I'm not sure that would even do it. I have no idea what the next step is, but I have a feeling it will entail being separated from my family for a long while as she figures out what she needs. My mother has been a very strong person her entire life, but she has been deeply unhappy as long as I have known her for a number of reasons including the loss of a child and a husband (my father) who can be very emotionally unsupportive. I have always tried to make sure to be thoughtful of her feelings, supportive of her needs, and for much of my life have sought the kind of support a woman would normally receive from her mother from other mother figures in my life so as not to bother her or get in arguments with her. However, getting married was one of those things I so badly want to share with my family. I'm not sure now whether to continue to hope I can, or to give up. s

Just thought I would share...

 

https://ironmommi.wordpress.com/2017/10/29/the-shed-in-the-back/

September 28, 2016
7:49 am
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unsure2
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It has been so cathartic to find this forum. I am the oldest of 8 children. I have a fantastic job, and have been financially independent from my parents since I was 16. At 30 years old I feel like I've done a pretty fantastic job at being an adult and am ready to move forward to the next stage of my life - I have found someone I love and recently got engaged. Before getting engaged, my now fiance reached out to my parents, and gained my fathers blessing before proposing. However, since he reached out to my parents my mother ( a stepmother but the only mother I have ever known) has completely stopped talking to me. Worse, she has banned mention of me at home where my father and 6 younger siblings (ages 7-17) live. I am incredibly close to my family- I try to talk to all of my siblings every day, and go home 3 to 4 times a year. We recently lost my 8 year old sister to a chronic illness and throughout her life I was close to her, and supported my family as much as I could- hours on the phone supporting my mom, going home always to spend time with her and give my mom a reprieve from being a caretaker just to name a few examples. I've made every effort to be a supportive and loving daughter and sister. My fiance is a year older than me, and is incredible in every single way, and truly any parents dream. I feel immensely lucky to know him, and I would't bring him into my family or choose to start a family with him if I wasn't 100% certain that he would be a great brother-in-law to my siblings and son in law to my parents. He has gone above and beyond to make my family comfortable, including driving over 500 miles to meet my family for the first time, without me, before proposing. My mom's reason for writing him off however is that we do not share the same cultural background. As immigrants to this country, my parents fought very hard to maintain their cultural identity and pass it along to us kids. I've spent a lot of my time doing activist and cultural work to maintain that part of my heritage as it is important to me. I speak my family's home language and am the only one of my siblings to do so. I travel back to my parents hometown often, and my partner is nothing but supportive and understanding about the importance of my culture to my identity. We have already decided I would not change my last name, and we would send out children to a language immersion school so that they could speak my family's language as well. 

Despite all of this, my name has become a dirty word at my house. I wish I could be angry, but instead I am in so much pain thinking that I've hurt my mother. I also am incredibly saddened that she is bringing darkness to my siblings and to my father who is now emotionally pulling back from me. I have a 27 year old sister whom my parents cut out of their lives long ago as she was difficult to get along with. Knowing that I am now ending up in the same boat despite doing my best to balance being a good daughter, being a good role model for my siblings, and pursuing my own happiness, is devastating. I'm ready to throw in the towel and call off my engagement if it meant that my mother would feel better, would talk to me again, and would be easier on  my siblings and dad so I can continue my relationship with them. But to be honest, I'm not sure that would even do it. I have no idea what the next step is, but I have a feeling it will entail being separated from my family for a long while as she figures out what she needs. My mother has been a very strong person her entire life, but she has been deeply unhappy as long as I have known her for a number of reasons including the loss of a child and a husband (my father) who can be very emotionally unsupportive. I have always tried to make sure to be thoughtful of her feelings, supportive of her needs, and for much of my life have sought the kind of support a woman would normally receive from her mother from other mother figures in my life so as not to bother her or get in arguments with her. However, getting married was one of those things I so badly want to share with my family. I'm not sure now whether to continue to hope I can, or to give up. s

July 26, 2016
12:50 pm
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Randy
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Good afternoon Fred,

Thank you for the reply, it was most reassuring to hear. I am also very glad to have found this page, most pages I have seen were for parents that feel abandoned by their adult children. I feel like there is a weight lifted being able to tell my story to someone who takes these things seriously. The only thing I could wish for is that my mother is able to pick herself back up. That might be asking to much though. However I don't know of it will ever really be safe to reconnect with my family in general. I will say that experiencing the Navy has given me a new plan in life after college which entails teaching English in Japan. I hope that in doing so I will be able to have a fresh restart. Again thank you very much for your reply! Have a wonderful day.

V/R,

Randy

July 26, 2016
11:37 am
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Fred
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Good morning Randy:

Well, that sure is a sad story of unrequited love that was merciless dished out to you.  Don't second guess your ability to stop the abuse. You have a long chronological diagram of your attempts to love and help your Mama. That's the epitomy of a good son, but your desire to help, hoping that she will be grateful, and love you back, is truly harmful to your psychological well being.  Be proud that you have pulled the plug on her abuse toward you.  There is nothing wrong with you protecting your brain, your heart, your emotional stability, and lastly your wallet. Every relationship has to have a certain degree of reciprocity to sustain its self.   This lopsided alliance you have with your Mama is selfish, non empathetic, and most assuredly parentified.  You have tried, produced, ran away,  and begged for love.  Now it's time for you to nurture yourself. I applaud you for not giving up too soon. That's proof that you love your Mother, however, from my experience, love is not enough.

When you hear from your abuser again, and you will be contacted. Stand tall, and say you have had enough!  At this point she will either change or go away. I pray that she changes  and decides to Love and need you too.

Pray and see what God has planned for you.

July 25, 2016
9:41 pm
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Randy
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I won't say that I have had the worst childhood ever, but it was not a very functional family in general. So I guess I will start off with this. My father died before I turned 2, and my mother pretty much raised me by herself. She did have a short falling, according to other family members, she smoked pot, and partied with cops eventually leading with me living with my grandparents on my moms side. I do not know anyone on my fathers side, and much of my childhood is very hazy with little memory. It was hard growing up without my father, and always feeling empty inside without really showing it. Until I graduated high school, my family has always had some sort of falling out with each other. There was no trust among any of the adults, as a kid I obviously never understood hardly anything. Fights, and arguments would break out at family gatherings, never failed, my aunts, and uncles would always warn me about how unrealistic, and irresponsible she was. After graduation, when I started working and earning my own living, my mother started asking me for money. Eventually asking for more and more each time. First was to help pay off an electric bill that was $3,000 for one whole month, then it was to help buy her a van which was $12,000. Afterwords around this time I had my apartment, and my own bills to pay for, she asked if I could help her with covering rent, of $855/month. Before really starting to help her at all I did try to refuse, which she did not take very well. She had threatened on multiple occasions, to commit suicide in the bathroom. Eventually I caved and started helping, mostly because I refused to allow my 3 brothers the possibility of living without a parent, after already dealing with an abusive father of their own. Eventually I quit my job, and joined the U.S. Navy since my mother had pretty much drained me of everything I had, so I could go to college. After about 2 years of being in the Navy and already limited contact with most people due to being in and out at sea, my mother had called me and started asking me for help again. This is when I cracked, and had to put my foot down, and refused because I had found that she was wasting what money she had on stuff she did not necessarily need, she went for the suicidal threats again. The added stress, and drama finally started taking a toll on me both mentally, and physically. My work ethic started dropping, and becoming sloppy. I talked with a couple of my superiors asking for help, and they came up with the conclusion of estranging myself. It has now been 3 years of no contact with anyone from the family except, and very rare circumstances, such as 2 of my brothers being jumped by gang members, and talking to a cousin who found his father in a bathtub after committing suicide on fathers day.I am currently going to college for philosophy, and I have been somewhat relieved since my estrangement. Aside from that I do not know if I made the right decision, I do not wish to have this kind of lifestyle around me in the future especially if I ever get married and have children of my own. I feel lonely, but also feel that I am doing the rational thing to achieve a better and healthier life for the future. Am I wrong for the decisions that I have made? I would talk to my friends, but I really don't feel that any of them would take how I really feel behind my everyday mask seriously.

July 24, 2016
6:21 pm
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onestepatatime
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Charlie, how your parents are is no reflection on you. You have value and worth. They say the mean things they say not because of you being you. They say them because there is something wrong/broken inside of them. You deserved loving parents. You do not deserve the parenting that you got. It is very hard being ostracized, I am also ostracized by family members because I speak out against verbal abuse, manipulation and the narcissistic users. Yet the plus side is not having the crap and drama and negativity all the time, just some of it! LOL

 

The ostracization is to keep everyone in line. Human beings are hard wired brain wise to need other people. Long ago, people died when they were all alone, trying to find food, beat off animal attacks, etc. So our brains HATE being ostracized cause it still means death to our primitive brains. I believe it causes depression and anxiety do the brain thinking it needs these people to live. Have seen info from psychologists on this.

 

Your parents would have treated any other human being that was their child like they did you if you had not been their child. In other words, it isn't YOU. It is about them. If you were my child, and Sam was their child instead of Charlie, Sam would have gotten the manipulation, control, and verbal abuse that you got. Please look into narcissistic family dynamics and see if any of it fits. If you decide your parent(s) are narcissists, look into reddit raised by narcissists, an online forum that offers support and information for children of narcs. One thing I have to say is that you are fortunate in many ways to be doing this estrangement early. My husband was in his fifties before he figured out the negative and narc family dynamics that kept him ashamed, depressed, and lowered his self esteem.

 

And I am sorry, you certainly deserved better parenting and full on loving parenting. Wishing you a bright future, it is out there for you!

July 24, 2016
5:19 pm
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Charlie
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I have been estranged from my parents since 2013, so 3 years now. They were able to provide for me financially but emotionally they wanted me to pretend to have feelings that I did not have towards certain situations. My parents were the type to have us not talk to other family members they were not particularly fond of at a given moment which caused me to not have close relationships with extensive family members. My parents also ran a strict household, meaning I could not hang out with friends outside of school and because of so many restrictions in my house (not being able to watch TV during the week, not being able to have social media accounts online, not being able to have or use a phone, couldn't get a job while away at college, etc.) I did not like to bring my school friends around to the house at all. I was always the type of person to call out something I did not like or to make statements of my own opinion, none of which my parents appreciated and called me devil, demon, bastard, etc. for my own efforts. I never liked my mother ever since I was a child and that sentiment continued until the day I finally left my parents' house. She has never wanted to face the fact I never liked her. She has done many things that has really created a resentment that I have towards her. She has humiliated me in various public situations and never apologized for her behaviour but if I were to say one wrong word towards this lady at home I am now ostracized by the whole immediate family because my mother is petty like that. And not only am I ostracized my mother would ignore me for weeks on end until I apologized. It was because of her I finally left that house. I wanted to make my own decisions and live for myself and not have to be humiliated anytime I needed a dollar. I have forgiven my parents for all the shit they put me through, because I had been so angry for so long. These people only wanted me around to make themselves look good in front of their friends but never for once considering my feelings and always dismissing my feelings as small and not important. They wanted me to get good grades in school but didn't want to help me to do so. They would rather spend money than to actually engage in a meaningful conversation with me. Now that I don't want their money or for them to tell me what to do because of their money, they don't want to speak to me. I have not gotten pregnant since I left their house or have gotten into any illegal trouble. I work and I am putting myself through school and paying rent and other bills on my own. However, my parents still don't want to speak to me. I am ready to move on from this because I feel like this situation of wanting to speak to my immediate family and they don't want to, is inhibiting me to go in on doing more with my ambitions and dreams. I get depressed thinking about my immediate family going through life as if I never existed but I'm not going to grovel and beg them for their attention. I'm done doing that, I did that way too much growing up in my household only to be humiliated and not thanked for my efforts. I want to be able to have friends and perhaps get a boyfriend, but I don't know how to maintain relationships. I'm not good at reaching out to people on the phone. I'm more of a person that likes to see people physically, and I feel like the older we get the more people are set in their ways. It makes it harder to make new friends when everybody is living life through their own lenses and are not trying to reach out to you more than they want you to reach out to them. I feel like I need a therapist or at least a place where I can talk about this situation without judgement and to listen with understanding.

June 12, 2016
5:33 pm
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Inez
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Hi Judith,

   Thanks for saying everything that you said.  I've been wondering my whole life if my parents were really horrible or it was just me.  It's difficult to think of your parents not caring about you and being wrong about so many things.  And your right.  I've been banging my head against a brick wall, trying to get something from people that just can't give it to me for whatever reason.

June 12, 2016
1:45 pm
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Judith
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carolyn said
Thank you Inez and Fred for your understanding and support.  We are here for each other and it makes me feel good if I can help someone. Thankfully I have a big support group of family and friends who are always there for me but at the same time I don't like to wear on them especially when they are not going through it.  I find much joy in volunteering at my local libraries where my service is very much appreciated.  Hopefully my girls will see the light or at least my grandchildren when they are old enough to make their own choices.  Take care and peace to all.

Thank you so much Carolyn for your response a few weeks ago it was so good to have someone - just like you said - offering some caring support - I'm hoping my own sons will one day realise my efforts through my eldest's adopted child - the child's mother sadly was on heroin while carrying her - as I told my son 'she's going to be extremely sensitive - and now at ten years old she's already in therapy and getting very angry which both my son and his wife seemed unprepared for - they just dont understand the child's body despite being adopted around 18 months old -misses the siblings she was separated from - and feels different from other children - and is now focusing on the way she looks in a very negative way - I think she's probably suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome -I'm willing to bet the mother was drinking and drugging -unfortunately our children will turn their resentment on their 'nearest and dearest' when they find life is not a bowl of cherries and the perfect fantasy they were led to believe they deserved!   They at least have better chances to find some recovery - unlike generations from the 60s 70s and 80s had little access to decent therapy and domestic violences refuges.  ((Hug)) x

June 12, 2016
1:35 pm
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Judith
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Inez said
  I stopped talking to my mother in January over an argument about one of my brother's friends.  This person on more than one occasion invaded my privacy while I was in the shower.  He stood outside the window watching me and touching himself.  The first time I told her about this situation she literally said, "He must have liked what he saw."  End of conversation.  I couldn't believe that she'd said that to me, like it just didn't matter.  I over the years had brought up this situation, as always, trying to get the desired response of caring instead of indifference.  This last argument in January I told her that she should have defended me, even if I was an adult, and that she should be offended that someone should do that to anyone especially their own child.  She just said, "No.  He was always nice to me."  The message that I got was that I was like a stranger to her, and she didn't owe me any amount of caring.  I finally after a lifetime of being ignored just shut down.  This isn't the first time that I've gotten the message that my feelings and body don't matter.  I was molested as a child by more than one person.  I told her and my father of one of these situations when I was eight years old.  My mother's response was that i didn't know what i was talking about.  I remember I started crying and I told her that I would never trust her again.  She said she didn't care and left for work.  It was a horrible feeling!  I just went to my bedroom and cried.  I remember a switch went off in my brain towards my parents that day.  I just emotionally separated from them.  I realized I couldn't depend on them to care about me emotionally.  Of course, that didn't stop me from trying and trying anyway.  In the future, as an adult when I've talked about these situations with my parents, it's pretty much been the same kind of responses:  either I don't know what I'm talking about or I'm over-reacting. My parents took care of me the best that they could financially and materially, and I'm grateful for that, but I've reached a point where I just can't deal with the fact that they don't think my feelings or body matter.  The reason I haven't said much about my father is because he and I fell out a while ago, and I don't have as much feelings of guilt.  I think my father is narcissistic.  I'm not a psychologist, so I obviously don't know for sure.  I haven't really talked about this situation with anyone in depth.  I feel like I need to get it out.  I am also dealing with the guilt of the situation, because "you're just not supposed to stop talking to your parents."  It feels right, but what if I'm wrong.  I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or I am truly in the right for getting rid of people I feel don't love me the way that I need to be loved.

Hi Inez

What your mother said about the shower situation alone is quite disgusting and in itself I suggest repeated the abuse - I really have to question her true morals and sexual conduct - she's a total disgrace

All parents are duty bound to protect and defend the child's safety and in failing to do so I view as condoning and repeating the abuse particularly in one so young as you were - and your mother especially should be totally ashamed of herself - clearly your parents are quite unfit even to have had a child - it is quite understandable that you need to walk away from those who failed to protect and support you growing up - after all if we can't even depend on the first two people we're exposed to from birth - this in turn conditions us to unwittingly be drawn to the same dangerous abusive characters in adulthood - just as I did - giving them another chance and another chance repeatedly - we are literally separated from our own sense of self and reality and truth - you've given these people chances they never deserved to change - clearly they don't want to and have no intention of doing so - it's like you've been bashing your head against a brick wall in effect self harming - it's your turn to get a better safer and more caring future with caring and truthful people  who will respect you and your truth and the pain you've suffered - A type of method called  'Mindfulness' can be helpful preparation to learn about compassion towards self and your inner child - in order to recognise the love and care and validation of our loss - when we learn to acknowledge the truth of what we've been through it helps to open the door to recognising nicer trustworthy people whom  we've long deserved to be with from the start.  x ((Big Hug))   

June 10, 2016
4:24 pm
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carolyn
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Thank you Inez and Fred for your understanding and support.  We are here for each other and it makes me feel good if I can help someone. Thankfully I have a big support group of family and friends who are always there for me but at the same time I don't like to wear on them especially when they are not going through it.  I find much joy in volunteering at my local libraries where my service is very much appreciated.  Hopefully my girls will see the light or at least my grandchildren when they are old enough to make their own choices.  Take care and peace to all.

June 10, 2016
3:38 pm
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Inez
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Hi Carolyn,

   I'm sorry for what you're going through with your daughters.  It sounds like you've had a tough number of years.  I can relate to being a doormat and being depressed!  I've experienced being used and pushed around a lot in my life.  And being around an addict takes a toll on you, especially if you were married that long.  No wonder you've had such a difficult time.  It's unfortunate that your daughters don't understand where you're coming from.  It's difficult when you've got issues to work out and your family doesn't want to stand behind you.  In the meantime, I hope you have other people in your life that you trust and can talk to.  Hopefully, one day your daughters will support you.  And if not, hopefully one day you'll be able to have a relationship with your grandchildren.

    Thanks Carolyn and Fred.  You've both helped me a lot with your words. Most of this has been brewing in my brain with no release for the last couple of months.

June 10, 2016
12:38 pm
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Fred
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Lord, am I glad you said that!  I truly believe that being a true adult is knowing when to throw in the towel.  Take your your new life, your new dreams, and your new healing heart, away from the table. Wipe your chin, and say,  you have had enough!  Enjoy your glorious Friday and weekend!

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