Teleseminar Series on Parental Estrangement

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Hear what prior participants are saying:

“Thank you for the wonderful seminars; they really help and reinforce what I have been trying to do for years with my therapist.”

Teleseminar attendee

“You have identified and validated everything that I have been experiencing over the last 3 difficult years and I appreciate it more than you know.”

Teleseminar attendee

“I have so much respect and admiration for you and your work. Thank you so very much for the seminar last night. I will listen to the audio for additional support and review. I thought the class last night was incredibly helpful for me. I have a different prospective now. Powerful information.”

Teleseminar attendee

What do I get with my order?

Each seminar in the current series comes with a link to listen in over the internet or download as a podcast; a study guide, and a full transcript.

Can’t listen in at the time offered?

No problem. Because all of the seminars are recorded, you can listen to a recording at your leisure on your computer, or download it as an mp3 file for your iPod, iPhone, etc.

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All come with study guide, transcript, and audio download

THE FIVE MOST COMMON MISTAKES

OF ESTRANGED PARENTS:

Why They Happen and What to Do When They Occur

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Everything has been so very helpful and I do appreciate your knowledge, wisdom and expertise. I’m looking forward to applying all that you teach.”

Teleseminar attendee

You and your seminars are superb.

Teleseminar attendee

Your seminars are excellent and have really helped  us change  our mindset to think strategy not fairness.   My husband and I are totally committed to improving  the relationship with our son and his wife and we look forward to using the tools you have provided.   Thank you so much!

Teleseminar attendee

Many estrangements stem from a son- or daughter-in-law who is either controlling, troubled, or simply more powerful and manipulative than your adult child. In this scenario the adult child feels forced to choose between his/spouse and the parents of the adult child. On the other hand, sometimes well-meaning parents are critical of their SIL or DIL, or they criticize them to their adult child. This can either create a difficult dynamic, inflame an already problematic dynamic, or get used as ammunition from the SIL or DIL to fuel the estrangement.

In this teleseminar we’ll discuss several scenarios of estrangement resulting from the DIL or SIL and discuss strategies for how best to proceed: There are 3 types of estrangement resulting from a DIL/SIL:

1)    The troubled DIL or SIL: In this section we’ll discuss how to communicate with the DIL/SIL or communicate with your adult child in a way that lessens the impact of the DIL/SIL.

2)    Your adult child allies with the SIL or DIL as an expression of autonomy from you: For some adult children, marriage and parenting offer unique opportunities to express independence from the parent. In this case, estrangement or the threat thereof, has to be carefully managed in the context of understanding the adult child’s issues around autonomy. We’ll discuss how to communicate around these issues in a productive way.

3)    Repairing miscommunications to the DIL, SIL, or adult child. Some DILs or SILs are really hard to communicate with. And sometimes parents get off on the wrong foot by giving too much advice, offering criticism, or even help in a way that, rightly or wrongly is perceived as hurtful, controlling, or patronizing. We’ll look at how you can repair communication faux pas from the past and how to prevent them in the future.

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Estranged children place their parents in an impossible bind: Do I stay in contact and risk being perceived as needy, controlling or disrespectful of their wishes for no contact, or do I respect their withdrawal or expressed requests for no contact and risk their feeling neglected or rejected? Many parents misperceive their adult child’s communications. Deciding if or when to give up on an adult child is one of the most important and common questions that I get from parents It’s critical to know how to read the signs and to have an effective strategy for going forward.

In this teleseminar we’ll help you understand your adult child’s cues and develop a strategy for going forward either toward reconciliation or towards acceptance of an unsolvable problem. We’ll look at:

1)    When “no” doesn’t mean “no.”

2)    How to keep the door open

3)    How to accept their decision to cut themselves off in a way that maximizes the chance of a later reconciliation

4)    The difference between taking crumbs and signs of real progress

5)    Which communications should you ignore and which should you address?

6)    Answering the question: “Why do I have to be so perfect and they get to do whatever they want?” “Why aren’t my feelings more important in all of this?” Managing the “walking on eggshells” experience.

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Guilt is the experience most common to estranged parents and nothing generates more parental guilt and self-recrimination than the criticism, blame, or rejection of an adult child. “Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? What should I have done differently? Why did I make the decisions that I did?”

Of all the feelings, guilt is your biggest enemy for the following reasons:

1)    It creates defensiveness in your communication which may cause your child to want to distance herself or himself from you

2)    It creates anger in you as a way to prove to yourself and others that you ‘re not a bad parent or person

3)    It creates depression and anxiety because of the self-criticism and self-hatred it can induce

In this teleseminar we’ll help you with the following issues:

1)    How to forgive yourself for your mistakes (real or imagined)

2)    How to manage your anger so that it doesn’t consume you or hurt your relationships

3)    When to talk to others about your estrangement and when not to

4)    How to move on and have a happy life despite having an estranged child

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There are few relationships where there’s an absolute right and wrong way to apologize. In most of your other relationships, it’s typically enough to have good intentions, offer an explanation for why you did something that was hurtful, and to say you ‘re sorry. However, as you may already know, there are many pitfalls in making amends to an adult child. Among other things, you may be accused of being insincere, your apology may get thrown back in your face, or you may be told that you ‘re not taking enough responsibility.

Many parents don’t believe that they have anything to apologize for, or any amends to make. This perception reflects a fundamental misunderstanding of what adult children need when they want their parents to make amends. Too many parents get caught up in the rightness or wrongness of their child’s accusations without trying to understand the underlying emotion that is being expressed.

In this teleseminar, we will address the most common pitfalls in making amends and show you how to do it effectively based on my years of experience working with adult children and estranged parents. We’ll discuss:

1)    Writing the letter of apology

2)    When to respond to the underlying emotion and when to respond to a specific accusation or complaint about you

3)    What to address and what to leave out in your amends

4)    Acknowledging the separate natures of family life—the idea that you can have multiple versions of family history in the same family as seen through different eyes

5)    Why making amends should be viewed as an act of strength, not an act of humiliation.

6)     Handling false memories and accusations

7)    Why pride may be your worst enemy

8)    When taking on more blame than is your due is the right thing to do

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Many parents complain that their adult children speak to them in ways that they would never have spoken with their own parents. They call them names, humiliate them, or scream at them. These painful, exasperating interactions can make reconciliation more difficult since too much time gets spent in either trying to defuse the situation or getting caught up in the emotions. In this teleseminar, we will discuss ways to manage these communications to maximize the possibility of a productive outcome.

We’ll look at:

1)    How to frame a healthy discussion: Complaints vs. criticism

2)    Knowing when to stay on the phone and when to get off

3)    How to set appropriate limits

4)    Managing your own feelings of rage, guilt, or sadness before, during, and after the interaction

5)    Learning how to understand what’s underneath all the anger

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WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE THINKING?

Understanding Estrangement from the Adult Child’s Perspective

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Many parents are completely baffled by their adult child’s estrangement. Parents who have invested a lot in their children with love, sacrifice, time, and money are shocked by how angry and hurtful their children are. “Why are they so unforgiving? So hostile? So contemptous? So unwilling to take into account everything I did for them?”

There are many reasons why children estrange themselves from their parents and that’s why a cookie cutter, one-size-fits-all approach is doomed to fail. It’s why pursuing some adult children is right for one and wrong for the next. It’s why listening without responding is good for one child, and standing up for yourself is the right thing to do with another. It’s rarely simple, as I’m sure you’re all too aware.

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“These teleseminars have done wonders for me. Your insight on estrangement is invaluable.”

Teleseminar attendee

“Thank you, Josh, for caring, and not forgetting those of us that are hurting and trying to heal. Bless you!”

Teleseminar attendee

“Whew! My mind was spinning after this one　so much info, and so much homework. Thanks again for your genuine interest and concern for EP’s.”

Teleseminar attendee

“I have found your teleseminars very helpful. It is evident that you are dedicated to help estranged parents find healing in their lives”

Teleseminar attendee

“I think the material you are presenting has been outstanding. You have really helped me to “get it.” I can see that without your help I would have been making things worse and worse sinking in that quicksand.”

Teleseminar attendee