Many parents worry about whether they’re hurting their kids by fighting in front of them. Join Dr. Coleman on View from the Bay as he discusses the Do’s and Don’ts!

After an affair, the first thing you must try to understand is how deeply you’ve hurt your partner.

Get up and intervene? Or get up and turn on the stereo. If I don’t intervene, they will likely inflict lasting bodily harm on each other and my medical insurance will go up. On the other hand, I may be able to finally see what it’s like to raise a singleton.
So, what’s a parent to do when things are getting aggressive?

BREAK IT UP: 
Step one, we gotta stop it. Even though they’re small, a young child can inflict serious harm on a sibling through bites, kicks, or shoves. So, we have to intervene right away to protect them from each other.

AGGRESSION IS NOT A SOLUTION: 
We also want to make it clear that the use of aggressive behaviors isn’t the way to solve problems. While this is obvious to most parents, it’s less obvious to children who are just learning how to deal with the wild horses of their emotions.

KEEP COOL: 
One of the most important, and sometimes difficult steps is to maintain your control when intervening. I’m the most likely to lose my temper when I feel stressed out, sleep deprived or I’m trying to relax. In other words, 99.9% of the time. It’s inevitable, during this time, that one of my twin boys will yell because his brother is experimenting with a new choke hold or determining if an appendage is double jointed. I used to start out with an educational approach such as, “No son,the arm doesn’t bend in that direction.” Now, however, I just hope my wife, Ellie, will intervene so I can finish my cereal.

“Honey, the kids are murdering each other again. Would you mind?” 
”I did it last time, dear.” She’ll say, taking out some low fat yogurt. 
”That was two days ago, I broke it up yesterday.” 
”I got it last night before they went to bed, remember?” 
Dang! Right she is. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get all the way through three paragraphs of the newspaper.

MODEL APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR: 
It’s important to maintain control of our OWN reactions, even if we have to fake it. The tried and true “count to 10″ before intervening works well. Or, as one of my kids told me, “YOU’RE the one who needs to take a time out!” It’s a natural protective response to want to aggressively intervene if someone hurts our kid-even when that someone is also our kid. However, if we hit the one who’s doing the hitting, we’re not showing how to respond to feeling upset. In addition, if kids fight (and most kids WILL fight), it’s in reaction to powerful feelings over which they have little to no control. If we hit them, we just add to the pot of painful feelings and increase the probability that an aggressive event will happen sooner.

ESTABLISH CLEAR LIMITS, DESCRIBE, and SEPARATE: 
I often use the three steps recommended by Siblings Without Rivalry authors, Faber and Mazlish for handling aggression with siblings. Let’s look at these using an example from my home, since I have no shortage to draw upon.
Last week, my son Daniel was furious with his twin brother, Max because he was playing with his prized rock. Now, to my feeble middle-aged eyes, it looks remarkably like the hundreds of other non-descript brown rocks we have scattered across our driveway, but, what do I know, I’m a psychologist. As a result, he grabbed Max by the shirt and spun him hard to the ground, yelling at him all the way. Using Faber and Mazlish’s structure, I intervened as follows: 
ESTABLISH CLEAR LIMITS: “Daniel, we don’t use our hands when we’re upset” 
DESCRIPTION: “I know you’re really mad that Max took your rock without asking.” 
SEPARATE: You need to get off Max now and I want you both to go to different rooms and cool off. I’ll tell you when it’s time to come out.” 
In this case my words were enough. However, sometimes it’s necessary to physically pick one off of the other or hold them each at arm’s length while you direct them away from each other.

PRAISE WHEN THEY’RE NOT FIGHTING: 
Children are more motivated to control their behavior when they know we are pleased by it.Thus, we should offer praise when our kids resolve conflicts without aggression, or when they play well together. Some examples are, “I really like how the two of you worked that out using your words! You’re getting really good at talking it out, huh? That’s great.” Or when they’re not fighting or arguing, “The two of you really play nicely, together. That’s great to see!”

AVOID SHAMING, GUILT TRIPPING, BLAMING, OR FAULT FINDING: 
We all do it, but we should strive to do it less. It’s easy to lose one’s temper with a child, especially if he or she consistently provokes a sibling to tears. The use of shame, guilt, or fault-finding may stop a child’s behavior in the short term, but can increase it in the long run by giving children negative ideas about who they are. If one child hits the other, focus your attention on the one who’s hurt, rather than punish or blame the aggressor. As Faber and Mazlish write, “We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their arguments or making a judgment, but to open the blocked channels of communication so they can go back to dealing with each other.”

WHY CAN’T THEY JUST GET ALONG? Kids fight for a lot of reasons. Let’s examine some of the most common: 
To express hurt, disappointment, fear or anger : It’s human nature to want someone or something on which to vent our frustrations. Like adults, children have to endure disappointments and hurts that are sometimes hard to contain. Part of maturation is the ability to channel those feelings into non-destructive behaviors. Most kids discover that it isn’t a brilliant move to take out aggressive feelings on their parents, and take it out on their sibling, instead. If they are aggressive with us, we should be as firm in the protection of ourselves as we are the other child. In addition, a lot of aggression gets directed at the sib because they often share toys, friends, bedrooms, and that most precious of resources, parental attention. 
Parental attention: All kids learn that if they can’t get parental attention for good behavior, they can always get it for bad behavior. 
Boredom: Many fights begin as play, then escalate to aggression when someone gets hurt or doesn’t want to continue. 
Other problems: While aggressive behavior is common in young children, you should consult your pediatrician if you’re concerned that it’s age inappropriate or if the aggression seems tied to other behavioral or psychological concerns of yours. For example, aggression in children can sometimes be a function of attention deficit disorder (with or without hyperactivity), childhood depression or oppositional defiant disorder. The frustration caused by a learning disorder may also increase aggression in children, as does feeling less valued than the other twin or other children in the home. 
In my Nov./Dec. 2000 TWINS article, Communicating with Your Twins, I advised against intervening for normal bickering. In those situations, we want our kids to learn to negotiate and solve problems without our involvement. However, if there’s aggression or name calling, we should always intervene quickly and clearly, for their sake, and to maintain the peace and quiet of the household. Did I say peace and quiet? Oh, I forgot. That’s what you get when they go to college.