Watch Dr. Coleman when he returns to ABC Television’s View from the Bay on Wed. May 12th to talk about the effect on marriage when women earn more than men.

Shifting Roles During the Economic Downturn

Dear Reader,
You have enough work on your hands with a two and a half-year old and one year old twins without taking on the responsibility of taking away the stress from your husband. Who’s taking care of you while you’re taking on so much?

I don’t think that you should become overly responsible so your husband doesn’t lose it. If “losing it” means occasionally yelling or raising his voice, that’s not great, but it may be unavoidable. It is hard on children when they’re exposed to regular ongoing fighting in a home. However, in the long run, your goal should be to get your husband to stop acting like the fourth child. If you dance too fast around his tantrums you’ll reinforce his behavior, not end it.

When the two of you are both calm, tell him that you’d like him to work on his temper. Tell him that you have been trying to do too much in order not to upset him but that you can’t keep it up because you’re going to have a nervous breakdown and he won’t like that very much. Ask him if there are changes that need to be made in both of your lives that will help him stay in better control of his temper. While you should be open and interested in these, don’t agree to tasks that will add to your already overburdened work load without trading off some of the other things you’re doing. If he starts yelling in front of the children, you can either remove the children from the room or clearly and forcefully tell him to knock it off! If he refuses couple’s therapy, go alone and tell him that you’re going to therapy because you’re concerned about the state of your marriage.

It’s okay if he feels like he’s a “prisoner in his own home” as he puts it. It’s not your job to prevent that. If you act or feel guilty, he’ll get the wrong idea that it’s your job to make that up to him. Many parents of twins feel like they’re prisoners in their own homes during the early years. And if you have a two and a half year old on top of it, well, that’s just more to add to the jailhouse party. If he says he feels imprisoned, just empathize. Say, sincerely, “I’m sorry, honey. It is hard isn’t it?” And leave it at that. Don’t act like you’re the one who put him in prison. It’s bad for you and it sends him the wrong message.

However, while we’re on the subject of empathy, how about expecting some empathy and understanding from him? When he complains to you or suggests that you’re not doing enough to make him happy, say that you’re more than willing to sit down and look at each of your “want lists.” Your list should have on it more help from him with all of the things that you’re doing for the family, more appreciation, and maybe less complaining out of him. Many mothers worry that their husbands aren’t bonding with their kids at this age. Dads are very different in this regard. We don’t tend to get as excited about our kids until we can actually do stuff with them. I wasn’t terribly excited about my boys at one either and now I can’t get enough of them. Kyle Pruett’s research shows that dads are more likely to show their involvement at this age by being providers sometimes more than in direct involvement. However, this would be a good thing to talk over in more detail with the therapist when you meet with him or her.

Sometimes fathers act less interested and involved with their children when they’re mad at their wives. Are there other things that your husband is upset about in the marriage? If you’re like many mothers, you may have had a decrease in sexual interest since the birth of your twins and he may be mad at you for that and displacing his anger or disappointment onto the children. Are there other gripes he has with you that you haven’t addressed or don’t know how to address? These are also good topics for therapy, whether he goes with you or you go alone.

So, while I wouldn’t necessarily worry about his low involvement, I do worry about how this affects you. He doesn’t have to be thrilled to be a dad right now, but he should help you when he’s home. You should point out to him that when he’s at work, you’re working extremely hard, not goofing around. In my practice, I find that mothers often need help being more assertive with their husbands in these areas. Since you’re not allowed to clock out at 5:00 on the parenting/household employment so he shouldn’t expect to clock out when he leaves his job either

1
Decide What You Want Before You Talk to Your Partner
Your ability to get what you want from your partner will be directly related to how much clarity you have about what you want him or her to change. Watch out for guilt here because guilt may prevent you from getting clear about what you want.

2
Approach Your Partner When You’re Feeling Calm
Research shows that conversations typically end the way that they begin. If you start out angry, it will likely end up with little resolved.

3
Ask Your Partner If This Is a Good Time to Talk
Just because you want to talk doesn’t mean that your partner is obligated to listen in that moment. However, if your partner doesn’t want to listen to you now, then he or she IS obligated to suggest a better time to talk.

4
Let Your Partner Know Whether the Topic is Serious or Not
Telling your partner the degree of seriousness of your topic allows him or her to get in the right frame of mind. I recommend that couples assign a number to the level of seriousness from 1-10. An example of a 1 is a request to put a coffee cup in the dishwasher before going to work. A 10 might be a talk about a desire to separate.

5
Begin the Conversation with Praise
Remember that your goal is to have a productive interaction. Part of having a productive interaction is letting your partner know that you’re raising your complaints to have a better relationship, not to hurt his or her feelings. An example might be, “I really appreciate how hard you’re working and how exhausted you are but I’m wondering if we could brainstorm how to get our sex life back on track? I really miss how close we used to be.”

Having children opens a whole new area of your relationship. Make sure to work as a team to raise the child and doing house work. If one partner is bearing most of the responisbilites, it can make for a very stressful atmosphere which can be negative for the baby as well as the couple’s relationship.

Whether you want to are not, you should really express your feelings about things that make you feel vulnerable. Sharing your feelings with your spouse will help them feel closer to you and find deeper connections within your relationship.

With our divorce-happy culture, it is easy to give in to the belief that you have married the wrong person. Do not rush into a separation. Instead, go to personal counseling, go to couples counseling. Make an effort to save your marriage.

1) Move From A “ME-CENTERED PERSPECTIVE” to a “WE-CENTERED PERSPSECTIVE: “Children take sacrifice and that means that what’s good for the family may not always feel good to the individuals in the short-run. Some people are too self-centered while others are too self-sacrificing. Identify which one you are and commit to change.
2) Prioritize the Marriage: Too many couples become so child-centered when they become parents that they let their marriages wither on the vine. Make sure you have at least one date night a week.
3) Gender Differences: The biggest predictor of male satisfacion in marriage is a decent sex life-for women, it’s emotional connection. When couples become parents, women, often due to exhaustion or resentment about doing more than their fair share, shut down sexually. Unfortunately, since that’s item numero uno for male satisfaction this often means that the guy withdraws and becomes even more unavailable. Men need to make sure that they’re stepping up to the plate with sharing the burdens and women need to make sure that they’re not neglecting their husbands for their children.
4) Learn how to  Communicate: If you or your partner don’t know how to complain or ask for what you need your marriage is in trouble. Get thee to a couple’s counselor or a workshop. Your marriage and your family’s well-being depend on it.
5) Appreciate, Appreciate, Appreciate: When couples become parents, there’s much less to go around. Tell your partner every day what you like about him or her. You attract far more bees with honey in marriage than criticism.

Top 5 Danger Signs

1. You Often Fantasize About Divorce

Fantasizing about divorce may provide a needed feeling of freedom. During a crisis or during a particularly bad time in a marriage, reminding yourself that you can always leave can be a reassuring thought. However, chronic fantasizing about divorce may indicate that you’re stuck in a dynamic from which you don’t know how to escape and need more help to solve.
2. The Frequency of Your Negative Experiences Far Outweighs the Number of Your Positive Experiences with Each Other

Marital researcher John Gottman found that in successful marriages, there are five positive exchanges for every negative. If the negative consistently outweigh the positive, then your marriage may be in trouble.
3. You Never Confide in Each Other

Confiding in your spouse and having your spouse confide in you is an important way to relieve stress, strengthen your bond, and maintain a healthy “us against the world” mentality. A lack of confiding may indicate that there’s an insufficient amount of trust in the marriage.
4. One or Both of You Engages in Ongoing Contempt, Criticism, Defensiveness or Stonewalling

Research shows that couples who frequently use these defenses are more at risk for divorce than couples who rarely use them. While conflict is unavoidable, couples need to learn healthy ways ot expressing their complaints.
5. You Engage in the Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic

In this dynamic, one person in the marriage constantly pursues the other for more closesness, confiding, or time while the other constantly avoids interaction. Over time, the pursuer gets more desperate, hurt, and angry and the distancer gets more sullen, shut down, and rejecting.

What to Do?

• Take responsibility for your part of the problem. This means learning how to communicate, being assertive, being generous, and owning your character flaws.
• If you’re often having a conversation in your head about divorce, you should let your partner in on it while there’s still time to save your marriage. Sometimes too much water can pass under the bridge.
• Make efforts to confide in your partner. Even if you’re frustrated with the state of your marriage, confiding is a demonstration of need and trust; this may help to get your relationship on a better footing.
• If you engage in the pursuer-distance dynamic, try switching your role: If you’ve been a pursuer, back off for the next two months and see if your partner comes to you. If you’re a distancer, try approaching your partner much more consistently.
• Be appreciative every day of the little things. Appreciation is the oil in the machinery. It makes all of the moving parts of a marriage operate with a lot less friction.
• Get into couple’s therapy. Don’t wait until your marriage gets past the point of no return.