1) Is My Marriage or Relationship Hurting My Children?

2) Five Steps to Fighting Fair: Learning How to Manage Marital or Couple Conflict

3) Why Children Can Change Marriage for the Worse: And What You Can Do to Protect Yours

4) The Worried Child: Helping Your Child Overcome Irrational Fears and Preoccupations

5) The Angry and Explosive Child: Balancing Love and Limits

6) Parenting Your Difficult Teenager: Drugs, Internet, Rebelliousness and Moodiness

7) The Worried Adult: Five Steps to Managing Worry, Preoccupation, and Fear

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IS MY MARRIAGE HURTING MY CHILDREN?

What You Need to Know

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Many parents worry that the conflict in their marriages or relationship negatively impacts their children’s developing sense of identity, security, and self-esteem. Other parents worry that the lack of romance or affection in their marriages is bad for their children. Both kinds of parents worry that their role modeling as a couple will negatively affect their children’s ability to make a healthy choice about their own romantic or marital partners when they grow up.

In this  teleseminar, we’ll examine the effect of conflict on children and answer some of the following questions?

• What is normal or healthy conflict?
• Is there an upside to arguing in front of the kids?
• What should I look for in my children to see if my marriage is hurting them?
• Is there a time when it’s better for the children to leave rather than stay?
• When is it better to stay even in the face of ongoing conflict or disappointment?
• What are the lasting effects of marital conflict on children?

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FIVE STEPS TO FIGHTING FAIR:

Learning How to Manage Conflict

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Thousands of marriages end each year, not because of a big problem or betrayal, but from the small, day-to-day hurts, resentments, and frustrations that accumulate over time. As a couple’s therapist for over 30 years, I have seen first-hand that people can get to a place in their marriages where there is a point of no return; where there is a hole too big in the middle of the marriage to make them want to change, even though their partner has suddenly become willing. Whether they divorce or not, most couples lead lives that are far less fulfilled and meaningful because their marriages are chronically burdened by resentment, fear, or by the inability to negotiate for more of what they want.

In this one-hour teleseminar, we’ll look at some of the most common fights that couples get into. We will also discuss research-based ways to manage conflict by addressing some of the following questions:

• What’s a healthy and productive way to complain?
• What is the difference between a good fight  and a bad fight?
• When should you not care as much about hurting your partner’s feelings?
• Why is a good sex life often the first thing to go away in marriage and the last thing to come back?
• How can learning conflict management improve your sex life?
• Where’s the line between assertiveness and aggressiveness?
• How to talk so your partner will listen and listen so your partner will talk

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WHY CHILDREN CHANGE MARRIAGE

FOR THE WORSE

What You Need to Do to Protect Yours!

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A large body of research now shows that having children lowers marital happiness and satisfaction for the majority of couples. This isn’t very surprising since having children typically leads to a decrease in time, money, sleep, and an increase in stress and worry.

However, there is a lot that couples can do to keep their marriages on track and to make the arrival of children an ongoing source of pleasure and connection rather than burden and distance. In addition, taking these steps are not only good for your marriage, they’re also good for the happiness of your children.

In this one-hour teleseminar we’ll look at some of the most common sources of tension for families with young children and address the following questions:

• What’s “fair” in terms of dividing housework and parenting?
• What are some common differences between men and women when it comes to parenting and housework?
• How should parents manage different ideas about what is good for children?
• How much time is “enough” time to spend with the kids vs. away from them?
• How much should individuals in a couple prioritize time with other friends or interests?
• How much time do couples need together to make a family healthy?

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THE WORRIED CHILD

Helping Your Child Overcome

Irrational Fears and Preoccupations

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Having worries or fears is a normal part of childhood. But when does it start to cross the line between normal worry and something that a parent should start addressing? Out-of-control worry and anxiety can cause children to avoid taking risks with friends or in the classroom. Over time, this avoidance can cause a negative feedback loop where avoidance leads to decreased self-esteem, confidence, and engagement in children’s lives and activities.

In this one-hour teleseminar we’ll address the following questions:

• Where is the line between normal worry and problematic worry?
• Nightmares, boogeymen, or avoiding sleep: what to do?
• Fears of death and dying
• Worry about dirt, cleanliness, germs, harming others
  • Social anxiety: fears of going to school, sleeping at friends, reading aloud in class, ordering in a restaurant, attending birthday parties, separating from the parent
    • When should I get a professional involved?

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THE ANGRY AND EXPLOSIVE CHILD:

Balancing Love and Limits

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Many parents feel burdened, worried, and frustrated by how much of their lives get spent managing the behavior of their aggressive children. Aggressive and out-of-control behavior in children can cast a dark spell over a household, robbing the other children or family members of time and attention that they deserve. In addition, couples commonly fight about the best way to deal with an aggressive child and this conflict can cause guilt or anxiety, not only in the aggressive child but in the other children in the household.

In this one-hour teleseminar we’ll address the following questions:

• What’s normal aggression in children?
• How do I anticipate and strategize around difficult situations with my child?
• How do I handle my child’s aggression with me or with his/her siblings?
• Is my child a bully and what can I do about that?
• The importance of positive opportunity
• How do I get my spouse/partner and I on the same page regarding strategies?
• Why your relationship with your child is so important (and how to keep him or her from ruining it!)

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PARENTING YOUR DIFFICULT TEENAGER

Limits, Drugs, Internet,

Rebellion, and Moodiness

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Learning how to parent your teen is critical to the family’s well-being and to help him or her make the important transition to adulthood. Parenting teenagers was never easy; yet, today’s technology and changing attitudes around parenting provide many ways for teenagers to fly under the parental radar and create more distractions and worries for parents.

Join us for this one-hour teleseminar where we’ll address:

• How to set positive and effective limits
• Developing a healthy policy be around drugs and alcohol
• Determining how much time is too much time on the internet
• Handling moodiness: what are the best ways to respond to anger, aggression, withdrawal or depression?
• What to do about the unmotivated teen?

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THE WORRIED ADULT

5 Steps to Managing Anxiety,

Preoccupation, and Fear

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Ongoing worry can make life hard to live. Fears of getting together with friends, asserting yourself at work or at home, worries about money, health, or the future can ruin your ability to focus on the positive aspects of your life and interfere with your ability to make good choices for yourself.

Join us in this one-hour teleseminar where we’ll address the following topics:

• Where does all of this worry come from?
• How can I calm myself?
• How do I get better control over my thoughts and feelings?
• How can I learn how to start taking more risks?
• Why do I need so much reassurance

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Dr. Coleman was on the Today Show July 6th, talking about parental estrangement. Click here to view the segment.

What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?

Dear Reader,

This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:

• Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.

• Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.

• While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family.  So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.

• Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.

I recently saw your appearance on ABC-TV where you stated that it is important for both parents, no matter what the circumstances leading to deciding to divorce, to tell the children it is a mutual decision. I can understand your reason for this yet I have this question. For me, choosing to divorce is a destruction of a child’s safe, protected, secure world of a stable family. I would like them to think that at least one of the most important people in their lives would not choose to do that to them but sought to preserve their world as they knew it. I do not want them to be angry at their father, I would seek to encourage their relationship as much as I am able. But somehow making it appear as if we are both willingly breaking up their home makes me feel they are left feeling that their security is not important enough to either one of their parents. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question. This is a very common point of pain and confusion for parents.

Especially, if you don’t want your marriage to end or because  your spouse behaved in ways that were very painful to you and led to your wanting to end the marriage.

And you make a good point, why wouldn’t it feel better for children to feel like one of their parents wanted to keep the family together, rather than both of them agreeing to break it up? The reason is that children don’t really care that much about whose fault it is, or whether one parent wanted to keep the family together or behaved reasonably and the other didn’t. Children are much more interested in knowing the answers to the following questions when their parents are planning to divorce:

1. Is it my fault?
2. If you can fall out of love with each other, can you fall out of love with me?
3. If you don’t like my Mom or Dad’s behavior and want to leave them, will you leave me if you don’t like my behavior?
4. Do we have to move?
5. Do I get to go to the same school?
6. How often will I get to see the parent who’s moving out?
7. If Mom or Dad remarries or starts dating someone new, will they love that person more than me?
8. Am I being disloyal to Mom or Dad if I like their new spouse or significant other?
9. Will there be enough money for me to continue to do the things that give me pleasure?
10. If you hate my Mom or Dad, do I have to, too?
11. Do I have to take care of you now that Mom or Dad has gone?
12. Is it selfish of me to not want to take care of you and just think about myself?

The reason that explaining your innocence or dedication to the marriage in light of the other parent’s behavior is that it pitches you as the good guy and the other parent as the bad guy. “Well, what if that’s true?” you may rightly ask. “What if the marriage is ending because my spouse was a lying, cheating, terrible person and I was actually a dedicated parent and spouse?” Well, fair enough, but if that’s the case, your children will likely discover that for themselves when they’re older. And, if not, you can tell them that when they’re older. Much older. Old enough to have had time to grow and develop as individuals without being pulled into the almost inevitable loyalty conflict that even a good divorce brings.

Because, as much as you may dislike or even hate your spouse, your children probably still love him. And their love for him is the same as their love for themselves. It can’t be separated out. They have a right, a need to love, admire, and respect him because it helps them to love, admire, and respect themselves.

It’s a lot to swallow, I know. But, it’s a bit of what we signed up for when we became parents, however unknowing we were of what we would one day, be asked to do.

Many parents worry about whether they’re hurting their kids by fighting in front of them. Join Dr. Coleman on View from the Bay as he discusses the Do’s and Don’ts!

Join Dr. Coleman for an hour-long interview with Diane Rehm about parental estrangement. Why it seems to be on the rise, what parents can do about it, and what are some common causes.

What do you tell your kids when they find out that one of their parents has had an affair? How does the discover of an affair affect a child? Can families ever recover?

Listen to the recording of Dr. Coleman and psychotherapist Susan Berger, MFT on Childhood Matters Radio with host Rona Renner KISS 98.1FM San Francisco

With our divorce-happy culture, it is easy to give in to the belief that you have married the wrong person. Do not rush into a separation. Instead, go to personal counseling, go to couples counseling. Make an effort to save your marriage.