Dr. Coleman was invited to give a talk to the faculty and students on Dual-Career Couples at Harvard. He discussed his clinical experience working with dual-career couples and also  what research tells us about how couples and their children can benefit from sharing financial and household responsibilities.

Dr. Coleman will be speaking to host Irene Bakchanyan on attitudes toward infidelity in the U.S. on Monday May 17.

6) Negatively compare your partner out loud to your previous spouse or partners.
7) Expect your sex life to be like it was when you were dating or when you were eighteen.
Ignore or insensitively handle your partner’s requests concerning what excites them.
9) Have your children sleep in the same bed as you or stay up so late that sex is guaranteed not to happen.
10) Don’t work on your communication and affection in the rest of your marriage.
11) Don’t prioritize your own needs because that way you’re guaranteed to be  too exhausted and stressed out to make love.

Did I miss anything?

Here are a few recommendations when you start to get upset:

* Breathe slowly and deeply.

* Pay attention to your self-talk. Don’t catastrophize or generalize. Assume that your spouse or partner has their own valid reasons for their feelings or behaviors, however inexpertly expressed.

* Use a soothing tone when you talk to yourself, much as you would when trying to calm a distressed child.

* Take a time-out so you can collect your thoughts and give your physiology time to settle. Studies show that once your heart rate goes even 10 beats per minute faster than usual your ability to think begins to decrease.

If you have a very difficult time regulating your emotions in relationships, find a therapist and work on it. Expecting a partner to always be able to soothe you can unfairly burden your relationship.

Our 21 yr old just announced she is getting married in 5 months (not pregnant) to her 2 yr companion and addict boyfriend.  We dislike him and his family-there is nothing positive to say about him. We have always had a good relationship with her (so I thought) until this guy came into the picture. Should we participate in the wedding? Should we try to pay for it? (we’ve been unemployed for 3 years now & husband is on disability). Should we ‘bless’ this union even though I get sick thinking about it?  I’d rather her continue to live with him than marry him – he is so low & has threatened us. She totally supports his actions – not ours.  Her perception has always been “off” and with her multiple disabilities, she will never see clearly.  We’ve been accused of being controlling, but we have her best interests in our hearts & she needs protecting b/c of her learning disabilities.  Please help!

Dear Reader,

It is very tough on parents when they a) don’t like their future daughter- or son-in-law and b) believe that their child is making a very serious mistake in marrying that person. From my perspective, it’s rarely productive to come out and say, “I don’t like your fiancé.”

She, for whatever reason loves him and if you say it in that way, you place her in a potential loyalty conflict between her love for him and her love for you. At 21, this is not a battle that you’re likely to win.

HOW DO I VOICE MY CONCERNS?

On the other hand, I believe that parents have the right to say, in a loving way, what their concerns are ONCE before their child of any age gets married. So, you might say something like the following: “It’s obvious that you really love him (here, dear reader, try to say something about what she might see in him as hard as that is. But continuing…) “You know that he has threatened us and so far, you have allied with him. Sometimes people ally with their spouses or fiancés because they don’t know how to defend themselves or defend their parents. On the other hand, maybe you’re allying with him because you’re more angry at us than we realized.” I would ask her which it is (it’s probably the former but she’ll probably say it’s the latter). If she says the latter I would hear her out, try to empathize with her complaints about you, and suggest a few meetings with a family therapist (with or without her betrothed) to bring more of these issues to the surface.

I would then say something like, “We want to support your marriage but you know that we can’t allow ourselves to be threatened by anyone. You have to understand that as much as we love and support you, if at any time we believe that our life or well-being are in danger, we’ll call the police in a heartbeat. I’m sure you understand that and I would expect you to do the same, if you were ever threatened by anyone.” I add the latter part because if he has threatened you, he will probably threaten her at some point.

You should go on to say:

“Also, he seems like he has some problems with drugs and alcohol. Am I right?” If she says no, then you can give a few examples of what leads you to believe he’s an addict. If she says yes then you can ask her how she believes his addictions will play out in the coming months or years. If you’re on good terms with your daughter and she’ll take your feedback, you could tell her that you believe that addictive problems and marriage don’t mix very well. That marriage requires a fair amount of selflessness, and that addictions, by their nature, are a self-centered enterprise.

So, he has threatened you, he’s an addict, and your daughter has learning disabilities and other issues which interfere with her judgment. I could see why you’d be concerned. Should you refuse to go to the wedding? I say, assuming that your safety isn’t an issue, that you should go. This is because we have much more influence over our adult children if they see us as allies rather than as adversaries, however impossible the bind they place us in. If you don’t go to the wedding, she may feel so unsupported or rejected by you that it may eradicate any wisdom you’ll have to offer later down the line, when this very fragile marriage begins to fall apart. And, rightly or wrongly she has already complained that you’re too controlling, so protesting this union by refusing to attend may cause her to misperceive your behavior as more evidence of that.

Should you pay for the wedding? Since you’re both unemployed and your husband is on disability I would say that you probably can’t afford to pay for it. In general, I don’t recommend that parents go into debt to pay for their children’s weddings if they will have a hard time paying them off. But, you should offer to help in any way that you can. If you have the means to pay for part of it without a lot of hardship, then I might do that. The main issue here is showing your daughter that you are her ally and that you support her even when you think she’s making a terrible mistake, as it clearly sounds like she is here.

What do other readers think?

Shifting Roles During the Economic Downturn

Many parents worry about whether they’re hurting their kids by fighting in front of them. Join Dr. Coleman on View from the Bay as he discusses the Do’s and Don’ts!

Join Dr. Coleman for an hour-long interview with Diane Rehm about parental estrangement. Why it seems to be on the rise, what parents can do about it, and what are some common causes.