I recently saw your appearance on ABC-TV where you stated that it is important for both parents, no matter what the circumstances leading to deciding to divorce, to tell the children it is a mutual decision. I can understand your reason for this yet I have this question. For me, choosing to divorce is a destruction of a child’s safe, protected, secure world of a stable family. I would like them to think that at least one of the most important people in their lives would not choose to do that to them but sought to preserve their world as they knew it. I do not want them to be angry at their father, I would seek to encourage their relationship as much as I am able. But somehow making it appear as if we are both willingly breaking up their home makes me feel they are left feeling that their security is not important enough to either one of their parents. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question. This is a very common point of pain and confusion for parents.

Especially, if you don’t want your marriage to end or because  your spouse behaved in ways that were very painful to you and led to your wanting to end the marriage.

And you make a good point, why wouldn’t it feel better for children to feel like one of their parents wanted to keep the family together, rather than both of them agreeing to break it up? The reason is that children don’t really care that much about whose fault it is, or whether one parent wanted to keep the family together or behaved reasonably and the other didn’t. Children are much more interested in knowing the answers to the following questions when their parents are planning to divorce:

1. Is it my fault?
2. If you can fall out of love with each other, can you fall out of love with me?
3. If you don’t like my Mom or Dad’s behavior and want to leave them, will you leave me if you don’t like my behavior?
4. Do we have to move?
5. Do I get to go to the same school?
6. How often will I get to see the parent who’s moving out?
7. If Mom or Dad remarries or starts dating someone new, will they love that person more than me?
8. Am I being disloyal to Mom or Dad if I like their new spouse or significant other?
9. Will there be enough money for me to continue to do the things that give me pleasure?
10. If you hate my Mom or Dad, do I have to, too?
11. Do I have to take care of you now that Mom or Dad has gone?
12. Is it selfish of me to not want to take care of you and just think about myself?

The reason that explaining your innocence or dedication to the marriage in light of the other parent’s behavior is that it pitches you as the good guy and the other parent as the bad guy. “Well, what if that’s true?” you may rightly ask. “What if the marriage is ending because my spouse was a lying, cheating, terrible person and I was actually a dedicated parent and spouse?” Well, fair enough, but if that’s the case, your children will likely discover that for themselves when they’re older. And, if not, you can tell them that when they’re older. Much older. Old enough to have had time to grow and develop as individuals without being pulled into the almost inevitable loyalty conflict that even a good divorce brings.

Because, as much as you may dislike or even hate your spouse, your children probably still love him. And their love for him is the same as their love for themselves. It can’t be separated out. They have a right, a need to love, admire, and respect him because it helps them to love, admire, and respect themselves.

It’s a lot to swallow, I know. But, it’s a bit of what we signed up for when we became parents, however unknowing we were of what we would one day, be asked to do.

6) Negatively compare your partner out loud to your previous spouse or partners.
7) Expect your sex life to be like it was when you were dating or when you were eighteen.
Ignore or insensitively handle your partner’s requests concerning what excites them.
9) Have your children sleep in the same bed as you or stay up so late that sex is guaranteed not to happen.
10) Don’t work on your communication and affection in the rest of your marriage.
11) Don’t prioritize your own needs because that way you’re guaranteed to be  too exhausted and stressed out to make love.

Did I miss anything?

Here are a few recommendations when you start to get upset:

* Breathe slowly and deeply.

* Pay attention to your self-talk. Don’t catastrophize or generalize. Assume that your spouse or partner has their own valid reasons for their feelings or behaviors, however inexpertly expressed.

* Use a soothing tone when you talk to yourself, much as you would when trying to calm a distressed child.

* Take a time-out so you can collect your thoughts and give your physiology time to settle. Studies show that once your heart rate goes even 10 beats per minute faster than usual your ability to think begins to decrease.

If you have a very difficult time regulating your emotions in relationships, find a therapist and work on it. Expecting a partner to always be able to soothe you can unfairly burden your relationship.

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Many parents worry about whether they’re hurting their kids by fighting in front of them. Join Dr. Coleman on View from the Bay as he discusses the Do’s and Don’ts!

If your spouse is critical, verbally abusive, or an overall poor communicator, the first thing you need to do is get his or her attention.

There are several steps to keep in mind when fighting fair. It is important to explain your point of view to your partner in a calm and respectful way in order to keep the argument civilized.