Dr. Coleman will be speaking to host Irene Bakchanyan on attitudes toward infidelity in the U.S. on Monday May 17.

Re: your book, When Parents Hurt: “Would love to hear more about why we have to not argue, not demand of our kids, not tell them our feelings. I am willing to do it, and it does help, but I would love to hear more about that whole way of thinking. Thanks again for writing the book.

Dear Reader,

I get asked this question a lot and it’s an important one. I recommend this to parents who have been estranged from their adult children because I think it’s critical that they keep the door open long enough so that one day they can have a more mutual relationship. But, if things have gotten so bad that there’s been an estrangement (or it’s on the verge of one), it means that you don’t have the luxury of a mutual relationship in the way that you might with a non-estranged adult child. With the non-estranged, there would be plenty of room for both of you to talk about your feelings and even have more open conflict because the whole basis for the relationship is not on the chopping block. With an estranged child, you have to create the conditions where some time, maybe years later down the line, there’s enough goodwill for your child to either see you more clearly or accept your perspective. If they’re estranged, they’re probably not yet ready to hear your perspective. It may make them turn away because it makes them feel too guilty; they may think that you’re defending yourself for something that they just want you (wrongly or rightly) to take responsibility for. They may feel (wrongly or rightly) like you’re blaming them for their feelings.

This isn’t fair, of course. I know that. But I’m a pragmatist when it comes to families. We have to start with where the 2 of you are right now, not from where it should be.

You can’t be demanding because you don’t have that much power. It’s a little like a marriage where one person has a foot out the door and is willing to divorce. The person who doesn’t want the marriage to end doesn’t have the same power to make demands as the one who is okay with it ending. I know this is very hard to do, but it’s a good thing to do, nonetheless.

I recently saw your appearance on ABC-TV where you stated that it is important for both parents, no matter what the circumstances leading to deciding to divorce, to tell the children it is a mutual decision. I can understand your reason for this yet I have this question. For me, choosing to divorce is a destruction of a child’s safe, protected, secure world of a stable family. I would like them to think that at least one of the most important people in their lives would not choose to do that to them but sought to preserve their world as they knew it. I do not want them to be angry at their father, I would seek to encourage their relationship as much as I am able. But somehow making it appear as if we are both willingly breaking up their home makes me feel they are left feeling that their security is not important enough to either one of their parents. I would really appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your question. This is a very common point of pain and confusion for parents.

Especially, if you don’t want your marriage to end or because  your spouse behaved in ways that were very painful to you and led to your wanting to end the marriage.

And you make a good point, why wouldn’t it feel better for children to feel like one of their parents wanted to keep the family together, rather than both of them agreeing to break it up? The reason is that children don’t really care that much about whose fault it is, or whether one parent wanted to keep the family together or behaved reasonably and the other didn’t. Children are much more interested in knowing the answers to the following questions when their parents are planning to divorce:

1. Is it my fault?
2. If you can fall out of love with each other, can you fall out of love with me?
3. If you don’t like my Mom or Dad’s behavior and want to leave them, will you leave me if you don’t like my behavior?
4. Do we have to move?
5. Do I get to go to the same school?
6. How often will I get to see the parent who’s moving out?
7. If Mom or Dad remarries or starts dating someone new, will they love that person more than me?
8. Am I being disloyal to Mom or Dad if I like their new spouse or significant other?
9. Will there be enough money for me to continue to do the things that give me pleasure?
10. If you hate my Mom or Dad, do I have to, too?
11. Do I have to take care of you now that Mom or Dad has gone?
12. Is it selfish of me to not want to take care of you and just think about myself?

The reason that explaining your innocence or dedication to the marriage in light of the other parent’s behavior is that it pitches you as the good guy and the other parent as the bad guy. “Well, what if that’s true?” you may rightly ask. “What if the marriage is ending because my spouse was a lying, cheating, terrible person and I was actually a dedicated parent and spouse?” Well, fair enough, but if that’s the case, your children will likely discover that for themselves when they’re older. And, if not, you can tell them that when they’re older. Much older. Old enough to have had time to grow and develop as individuals without being pulled into the almost inevitable loyalty conflict that even a good divorce brings.

Because, as much as you may dislike or even hate your spouse, your children probably still love him. And their love for him is the same as their love for themselves. It can’t be separated out. They have a right, a need to love, admire, and respect him because it helps them to love, admire, and respect themselves.

It’s a lot to swallow, I know. But, it’s a bit of what we signed up for when we became parents, however unknowing we were of what we would one day, be asked to do.

That said, sex addiction is a real disorder and those who suffer from it are in genuine need of both help and support. Sexual addiction is characterized by feeling out of control, engaging in self-destructive and self-sabotaging behavior, and using the behavior to cope with underlying feelings of anxiety and poor self-image. It may be harder to empathize with someone who looks like they have no reason to feel inadequate. However, many of the qualities that might drive someone to become famous or wealthy are the same that would cause them to act out; that is, a powerful desire to disprove ongoing feelings of shame and inadequacy.

6) Negatively compare your partner out loud to your previous spouse or partners.
7) Expect your sex life to be like it was when you were dating or when you were eighteen.
Ignore or insensitively handle your partner’s requests concerning what excites them.
9) Have your children sleep in the same bed as you or stay up so late that sex is guaranteed not to happen.
10) Don’t work on your communication and affection in the rest of your marriage.
11) Don’t prioritize your own needs because that way you’re guaranteed to be  too exhausted and stressed out to make love.

Did I miss anything?

Here are a few recommendations when you start to get upset:

* Breathe slowly and deeply.

* Pay attention to your self-talk. Don’t catastrophize or generalize. Assume that your spouse or partner has their own valid reasons for their feelings or behaviors, however inexpertly expressed.

* Use a soothing tone when you talk to yourself, much as you would when trying to calm a distressed child.

* Take a time-out so you can collect your thoughts and give your physiology time to settle. Studies show that once your heart rate goes even 10 beats per minute faster than usual your ability to think begins to decrease.

If you have a very difficult time regulating your emotions in relationships, find a therapist and work on it. Expecting a partner to always be able to soothe you can unfairly burden your relationship.

“Just six years after the enactment of Title IX (the law mandating that schools that receive federal money are required to have athletic programs for girls), the percentage of girls playing team sports had jumped sixfold, to 25 percent from about 4 percent.” One of the researchers, economist Betsey Stevenson “found that the changes set in motion by Title IX explained about 20 percent of the increase in women’s education and about 40 percent of the rise in employment for 25-to-34-year-old women.”

Why would this be the case?

I suspect it has to do with women’s persistent socialization toward being sensitive to other’s feelings and needs. In the past, women who stepped outside of that boundary were viewed as being tomboyish, aggressive, or “not very ladylike.” This appears to be changing. These days, women who are still heavily influenced by this belief system are hampered later down the line when they have to compete for educational or career advancement.  Young women who are able to see that competition, aggressiveness, and leadership are not only tolerable, but experiences to be enjoyed are better equipped to advocate for themselves not only in athletics, but in other important parts of their lives as well.

Shifting Roles During the Economic Downturn