I Can Not Stand My Stepchildren!

Dear Dr. Coleman,

What do you do when you don’t like the kids of the man you married? I married a great guy 3 years ago, love of my life, but his kids drive me up the wall. They’re disrespectful to him (not to me yet, but I’m sure that’s coming), demanding, and spoiled. Worse, I just don’t like them as people. They’ll all be out of the home in about 5 years but that’s 5 years too long. How do I survive?

Dear Reader,

This is a common complaint that I get from stepparents. There is a lot to tease apart here:

  • Many stepmothers feel guilty that they don’t like their stepchildren. Most women are raised to feel like they’re going to love being a mother and therefore feel confused and self-critical when those feelings don’t spring eternal for their husband’s kids. Guilt and self-criticism are hard on oneself and hard on a marriage. Work to accept that you feel the way that you feel and that that doesn’t make you a bad person.
  • Sometimes stepchildren are difficult or unlikable as an expression of loyalty to the parent who isn’t in the home. Their guilt about being close to you may make them feel more conflicted about having you like them and of them liking you. Assume it will take some time for a relationship to develop. Maybe years. Don’t assume that it will go quickly.
  • While you don’t have to love them, you should try to find some common ground with them. Not only is this important for them, it is key to your having a life in a blended family.  So, see if you can find something, ANYTHING, that you might have in common. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy: a TV show, a musical artist, a love of a certain kind of food, an author–just some toehold of similarity and compatibility to build a relationship from.
  • Let your husband know what bothers you the most about their behavior. If they hog the television, talk on the cell phone during dinner, talk over each other all of the time, ask him to step in more. But don’t assume that he can change all of their behavior to accommodate you. If he can change even some of their behavior, that’s a good thing. However, if they behave in ways that are directly disrespectful to you, it’s better for you to set limits with them yourself in the same way that you would set limits with anyone else.
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  1. CanIChangeIt
    Posted May 23, 2015 at 8:44 pm | Permalink

    My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and are seriously discussing marriage. Fantastic relationship.. Already have a house, a puppy and we have his kids every other weekend. I adore his adopted son. 8 yrs old, loving, considerate.. And always gets the short end of the stick because his 12 yo sister (biological) runs the show. She is spoiled, selfish and orders the family around. Bad enough.. But the son they adopted because his ex couldnt have any more.. Is black when the entire family is white. She thought she was being a savior and now treats this angel as inferior. It drives me bonkers. He has rules and gets scolded while if the daughter is given anything resembling disipline or rules she will throw a toddler style tantrum and everyone caves because they are afraid of her. She has anxiety and selfish traits from her mother and we dont get them long enough to have a real impact. I have tried for years and am patient but also know she needs consistency which I feel like I am the only one to try. My boyfriend gets them so little he is afraid to upset the time he does have. The mother walked all over him with custody when he is a much better role model and provider. Now it feels like she still is through her daughter. I have made some progress but nights like tonight make me wonder if I can ever really connect with her and show her how to be a hard working, responsible and giving person. It was her dad’s bday and she threw a tantrum because she didnt like the pizza restaurant he wanted to try. Proceeded to make us an hour late so there was a 45 min wait and she complained about it. When I pointed out that if we left earlier there wouldnt be she refused to accept it was her fault at all. She then tried to order before everyobe else was ready and I stopped it. She got her food way before anyone else, ate it while we sat there and then complained she wanted to go and felylt sick when we just got our food. I tried to stay calm but when she got up and went outside while we were still eating I lost it. My boyfriend is so sweet he doesnt want to upset her but I cant watch that and not say anything!! How can I help without being the bad guy? Is marrying him a bad idea if this is going to be the rest of my life?

    • Tiffany
      Posted May 30, 2015 at 8:39 pm | Permalink

      This is a tough one. If you plan on marrying him then you WILL have to deal with this. She isn’t going anywhere and will be with you all quite a bit. If you really love him then go for it. Blended families can be very difficult, esp when the child/children re disrespectful. I’ve been there. I married a single dad with two kids and the mother wasn’t in their life at all. I was young at the time with no kids of my own and my husband is 12 years older. My hubby and I eventually had three kids of our own together and the whole marriage has been hard so far. My stepson was a problem child. He got in trouble constantly in school and at home, even touched our son inappropriately. Then I had to deal with my stepdaughter trashing me in her diary and being very standoffish. Then I had to hear how I treated our biological kids different from them. It was horrible! At times I felt like everyone was against me and I didn’t do anything wrong. I tried to love them and raise them like a biological mother would have and it’s like it was never good enough. Now, despite my stepson being a problem child, we were always close until he really started giving us hell. At this point in my life, 10 years later, I feel like I sacrificed 10 years raising them for nothing. They are 19 and 17 now and only one is still staying with us. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t! I’m not being negative or trying to discourage you at all. I’m just giving you a clear picture of what can happen. My hubby has corrected them and talked to them many times and this still persisted.

  2. kathee
    Posted May 14, 2015 at 2:01 am | Permalink

    I remember lying in my room when I was in high school and writing in a journal to my future husband. I’d write all sorts of notes and questions and things I’d wonder or ask this man when I eventually met him. I would wonder where he was and what he was doing and if he was thinking about me too. It has always been such a strong desire in my heart to find a wonderful man to marry, someone who would love me and cherish me and appreciate me for the person I am. I always thought I would get married right out of college, just like my parents, so when that plan didn’t work out, I started to get discouraged. A school mate snatched my future husband away from my arms just because she had spiritual powers, all hope was lost to me before i came across the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@gmail.com
    ) who i confided in, i told him my long story and he helped me regain back my lover with his prayers which is now my husband today. if you have any problem email the help doctor (prayerstosaverelationship@gmail.com

  3. Carrie
    Posted May 13, 2015 at 3:05 am | Permalink

    Am I glad I saw this post. I simply cannot stand my 24 year old stepdaughter. She is clingy, selfish, self absorbed, and overly obsessed with her father. She will still try to sit on his lap and cuddle, expects him to spend every free moment of his time with her, calls constantly, and says that she should be THE most important person to him. She lives in Tennessee currently which gave a bit of a buffer zone but she is now moving back to our area of residence and I don’t know if I can take it. She is very demanding of him and his time and will even follow him around. She is a liar and mouthy and thinks she can treat everyone around her like crap. I cannot even explain what kind of a repulsive personality she has. Upon first meeting her my mother said – “That girl would take a lot of patience”. She is very manipulative, deceitful, and loves the guilt trip. Anything to try and get her way. She has 4 small children and uses them to get her Dad to spend more time with her. We have been married for 11 years (since she was 10) and she refuses to acknowledge my place in his life insisting she is more important. On her last visit (about a week ago) she even asked if he would stay with her and sleep on a cold hard floor so he was with her. Mind you, she is 24 years old with 4 kids of her own!!!! One year on Thanksgiving (this was when she was 19) her Dad pulled me down on his lap and she went ballistic!! She said, and I quote, “Why can she sit on your lap and I can’t? You just want her on your lap cause she’s got bigger boobs”!! Seriously, how do you deal with that? My husband tells her to cut it out and nothing works. Anyone have any suggestions on how to survive this without losing my mind or divorcing my husband whom I love very much?

    • AVi
      Posted October 5, 2015 at 1:53 am | Permalink

      Wow that is a very challenging situation! And to be honest, my biggest fear. I have been married for 3+ years and been with my husband 6. At the time, my stepdaughter is going on 15. She has retained some of those same behaviors that I would’ve expected her to grow out of and I feel many times she does it out of manipulation. I’m worried that she will continue those behaviors into adulthood because to her, they’ve been very successful in our household. Based on my experiences during adolescence, I sort of felt that at this age she would be starting to mature and become more independent, developing her own sense of self in life. While some of that is true part of the time, I feel that many of her behaviors have gotten worse. One thing I have noticed, is that she refuses to leave the house when she is visiting on their weekends. While my stepson will go out and make friends in the neighborhood, she, who had a major problem with us moving here in the first place, which almost resulted in her father changing his mind about us getting a new home together, never wants to go out and make friends. At first I felt like maybe she was just feeling a little socially awkward in a new area, but as details about our life started to get back to her mother, which were often used to manipulate my husband, I started to feel like she was just staying in the house to be a spy. That sounds crazy even to me but I got to the point where I felt like I had no privacy in my own home. Using that example, I can say that one of the biggest problems I have with my husband is that he refuses to establish clear boundaries. I can recall so many instances in which I wish he would’ve taken a stand and made it clear that our relationship was important and a priority at that moment, but as calls from them on our honeymoon took priority over spending time together, I realized that my husband was one of those guys who feels guilty for not being around 24-7. This is my main advice to you. Sit down with your husband and make sure you are on the same page about your wants and needs. Make sure there is an established importance in the relationship, things that are exclusively yours as a couple. I feel like he was trying to do that maybe in his own way by pulling you into his lap. Maybe that was his way of clarifying to her that that’s your designated place and not hers, which obviously got her upset since she noticed the distinction. But to avoid reactions like that, your husband can also work to establish routines that are distinctly theirs, like maybe a Saturday morning brunch, just the 2 of them. You have to make sure you both acknowledge that your relationship is a priority. There will be times when you may not feel like that because stuff happens that may upset the usual routine, but if you both know your importance in the relationship, you’ll get through it because at the end of the day you’ll feel like a valued member of a team, not just a player on the bench. Remember, communication is key! Hope this helps, and good luck to you!

  4. msve
    Posted April 29, 2015 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    How do u deal with a 46 yo man who is afraid to stand up to his 26 yo son and 24 yo daughter, I knew nothing of how they were until I married because he lived an hour away so I only saw him on weekends, his children constantly ask for money and they call 6 times a day, my husband bought his son a house and has to drive an hour to cut his grass, wtf. And the daughter calls cause she needs her cell phone bill paid or short on her car note payment, she lives at home with her mom, but will call an hour away jus to ask her dad for money… I have a 23 yo and if he gets anything from me he has to pay it back that’s what grown people do, but his kids jus take and take. When father’s day or bday comes they give him nothing, they are selfish overgrown brats that I can’t stand, but I realized my husband is the problem he raised these grown babies to be what they are my problem is he sees nothing wrong with there childish behavior, they want him all to themselves because he has always been a personal atm machine for them and now he is on a fixed income they still beg. They don’t care that we are married and things have changed but it’s still his fault for not setting boundaries with his kids, he moved into my home and his son thought he was moving in because he couldn’t find work, no sir he will not my husband name is not on my mortgage and never will be mainly because of his kids…… I’m seriously thinking of divorce becausee I’m to old for the drama of grown people who don’t wanna grow up and a spineless husband, only been married a year been with him a total of 4yrs…… To everyone things will never change with an enabling parent who sees nothing wrong his kids are grown so they were like this as small kids so if your not married to this type of parent dont do it your life will be a living HELL…..

  5. Ashley
    Posted April 27, 2015 at 4:24 pm | Permalink

    My step son is two and I have a five and two year old as well. I’m not the best mother, I get to my breaking point way too early but when my step son is around I’m at my breaking point as soon as I see his bratty face. He spits, kicks, hits, pushes, throws food, toys at my kids, at me, attacks my dogs, throws my dishes around my house, dumps his cup, smacks me and my kids the list goes on and on. His mom is a worthless unemployed uneducated whore who sleeps with guys with her kid in the bed, smokes around him, let’s him get away with everything and blames it all on us. He has never been put in time out,spanked,smacked or disciplined in any way. I am not allowed to discipline him or is have his ass smacked black and blue. My kids get out in time out for things his son does then he tells at me for talking bad about his son. I can not stand this kid. I loved kids, I loved being a mother and now I have the worst family in the world. My kids run and hide locking themselves in their room when he is around. I’m at my wits end and this kid is going too be the end of my relationship if his father does not start punishing him. Just today the kid smacked me and made my nose bleed asks his dad said well I didn’t see it so I can’t do anything about it. So I told him ok then I’ll smack his ass and he told me if I laid a hand on his kid it would be the last thing I do. I’m Fucking sick of it. He took his dinner plate today and threw it at my youngest son and his dad just picked up the plate and yelled at my son to sit down. He had him pinned on the floor hitting him with a toy and his dad yanked my kid up and pretty much threw him in my arms and picked up his son and asked him if he was ok. This is beyond me being one sided or picking favorites…I have spanked my kids for hurting his son but my kids literally run and hide from this kid. I would not be upset if I spanked him so hard he had a red mark for the rest of the day. The only time he ever got hit was when he tried to bite my sons nose off and his dad smacked his face too get him to let go. I try to set authority in my hair but his dad overrides it all. Now my kids and I leave if this breast is coming over because it’s not fair that my kids hide in their closet for safety. Something had got to give with this child from Hell. I’m so scared I will finally break and beat him like an adult if his dad doesn’t straighten him out and I don’t want to be that person. I won’t even let his dad leave him with me for five mins anymore. He can’t even go outside to smoke without his child because I can feel the urge to hit him coming on. I feel ashamed that I’ve gotten to this point but after over a year of this I’m fed up.

  6. ANM
    Posted April 17, 2015 at 4:37 am | Permalink

    From reading, everyone seems to become involved in preteen years and teenage years. Mine is much much earlier. I also feel I have so much more resentment..I am scared. I need help. I came into my boyfriends life, “D”, in august of 2010. just a few months pregnant with my first child with “B” whom I just separated from after leaving my home in Texas and moving with him to South Carolina for a year, he went to Afghanistan and I went back to Texas, pregnant, alone. I met D, hit it off, he had a son, 10 months old at the time. Even as an expectant mother at 20 years old at this current time in life, I didn’t like his child. I HAD NEVER had this issue before. All my friends just about had children. I had kept their children on many occasions and adored them. BUT I COULD NOT STAND THIS CHILD! WHY? how the hell can this happen? how can you not like a baby? what the hell was wrong with me? I pushed myself and pushed myself to try to be loving to him. I faked it well. His bio mother was 16 and worthless to say the least. she is 16 what do you expect..babies having babies. D had just turned 18 just fyi so nobody thinks anything crazy their. its me who is crazy not him. anyways things were not well by ANY means with the bio mom and me…could this play into why I began to mistreat the by now 20 month old? When I would look at this child..I could see his disgusting mother. The fucking mouthy dope heard whore she was and is still. it REPULSED me. At this time of D;s son being 20 months and MY child now being 3 months old. I LOVE MY SON. I cant see myself loving anything or anyone MORE than MY baby. he is perfect. so along with a newborn i am at home taking care of D’s son as he works as well. this child is so fucking annoying. even to look at. disgusts me. he doesnt speak. cant walk right…something is mentally fucking wrong with him!? could there be? he is his mothers child right? anyways…I allow myself to become overwhelmed and end up slapping his son in the face, hard, and bruising him. it was wild. i was almost watching myself do it..while i did it…i dont know it was WACK! after I felt the pain to my right hand…i looked at him, screaming in pain, and didnt care that he was in pain, but DID feel terrible that I allowed myself to get out of control like that. Thats where it all began. I began to do it more often….not as hard to prevent bruising but non the less, I had became abusive. Even though I felt relief as sick as it sounds from harming him…i felt much much guilt. i told D about this..and everything I was doing as well as my parents…they all blamed it on postpartum. Bullshit. I cant stand this fucking kid and it pleases me to cause him physical pain. I am a sick woman. CLEARLY. I question how can you do this? to a baby? a child who depends on you, is innocent and defenseless? how can you have absolutely no desire to harm your own child but you want to hurt his? Man the amount of things that have ran through my mind. Needless to say, the daycare eventually called CPS and d and his son and me and my son separated to protect our children. d protected me, as he knew everything that was going on. no criminal charges, nothing. a slap on the hand and a hell of a damn scare that i could have lost MY baby. I went to nursing school after this. refused to get therapy as i knew i needed but was too prideful. graduate nursing school and continued to SNEAK to see d. we NEVER actually stayed away from one another but I didn’t see his son for almost 2 years. D and I finally got back together in july 2014. my baby being 3 and his being 4. i was determined to do right by his son. i swore to myself i wouldn’t allow myself to get into that same mindset. it was great, at first…no emotional connection with his son still but i assumed that would grow but i didn’t feel the HATRED. it didn’t take long for it to come. just after 3 months, i began to abuse his child again. this time worse…only because he was bigger, heavier and it seemed as though it took more force to be “effective.” I dont want to actually hurt him…it is like I want to shake him and strangle some common sense into his fucking brain?!!!!!!!!!!! I just cant wrap my head around why he is so stupid?! he is horrible. he knows how to speak…i got him a speech therapist at 2 for a reason! he knows when he is hungry and knows how to ask yet he will starve himself before he asks?! theres one example. he wont speak. but CAN! its fucking ridiculous! I took him to a psychiatrist. as a nurse and a mother i Knew something was wrong mentally! had i fucked him for life? OMG what if i did?!!!!!!! sure enough..autism spectrum disorder…how vague though…so open to so many characteristics! omg now i am even more of sick fuck….not only do i abuse a child but a mentally disabled one?!!!!! I am sure to rot in hell. I definitely know he is fucked off in the head…but he isnt retarded. he chooses to be! oh and something else so sick is even when i choke the shit out of him he does nothing. he is so FLAT EFFECT. i can slap him in the face. push him on the ground. throw him into the wall. nothing. he doesn’t give a fuck. this almost frustrates me even more now. april 2015 as i am writing. i am 30 weeks pregnant with my daughter with d’s daughter. I couldn’t love my son more! he is a baby genius, clinically, and fills my heart with so much happiness and peace. in order to maintain these feelings my son gives me i have to put D’s son in his room all day to avoid upset. to look at him makes me want to punch him. even the thought of him in there at times makes me want to hurt him. NOT AN EXCUSE but want to mention, this abuse is not daily, every other day or even weekly. once or twice a month. due to the damage physically i have seen on his body that i have done to him, i am appalled. i lock him away to protect both of us. him and me. i have left bruises on his butt, lower back, under butt cheeks, from aiming poorly while spanking. i have choked him and left bruising. i have slammed his head into walls leaving bruising on his face. i have even ONCE picked him up and slammed him on ground before causing him to have a seizure. I am tired. I HATE HIM with everything i have. but i hate myself more, the monster i am. i was never this person. i love d so much. how could i hurt his baby like this?! i could a hurt a child like this in the first place? what the FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! I don’t know if anyone will admit to anything similar and I understand why. but i cant live like this anymore! his son doesn’t deserve to live like this! i hate feeling this way! what CAN I DO! GOD PLEASE HELP ME!

    • Veronica
      Posted April 17, 2015 at 6:13 am | Permalink

      Oh my gosh!! That poor child!! Please do him and his father a favor and remove yourself from the situation!! You’re going to end up killing him. It breaks my heart to read this. I hurt for that poor baby. How sad. I can’t stand my fiances kids but I would never lay a finger on them. I will be cordial with them. I won’t even curse at them. You’re going to end up in jail and your kids will be without a mother. You’re ruining that poor child’s life as you know. You need help and he needs help. You really need to seek therapy and whatever kind of help you can get and that poor child should never be left alone with you. His life is going to be hard enough as it is, he doesn’t need you to make it worse. You know all these things. You’re perfectly sane, so why keep doing it? What if that was your baby? What if someone did that to your child? Is D stupid? How often are you alone with his son? It should be never. I’m glad you recognize you have an issue. Think about all the other innocent little children going through the same thing, if not worse around the world??!!! How would you feel if you learned of that happening to a friend’s child or someone else? What would you do and how would you feel? You should find love for this baby. You hate him because he’s from another woman and you can’t stand that. I get that but that isn’t going to change. I look at my fiances kids and see their mother and know the girls aren’t even his biologically and I hate it. I hate how they treat him. I hate their demeanor. I hate how needy and entitled they are. I hate how ghetto and messy they are and it all stems from their mother. I can’t stand it. But I would never hurt them. Never. I love him and I have to try to find love for them too because he loves them. It’s difficult but I want to be with him and find peace. You’re never going to be happy like that, you’re never going to find happiness. Don’t you want to be happy? How can you be affectionate with D or look him in the eyes knowing that you abuse his son? That’s not love. I’m not sure what it is but its not love. It’s control. Don’t take your hatred for his mother out on the poor child. I get it. But get help. It’s not fair to that little boy. Pray and love him as if he were your own. Love him. Pray to God!!! Believe in God. What is Jospeh beat Jesus knowing that he wasn’t his biological son???!!! No he loved him instead and anyway. You should do the same. Hell is nothing to be toyed with. Do it for your own peace of mind. You’re driving yourself crazy and you need to stop. What if you killed him or made him go brain dead? D would never forgive you or love you again. You’ll be alone forever. It’s just a helpless baby. Stop. Go away. Remove yourself from the situation. Your punishment could be severe. What if you ended up in prison and your kids ended up in the care of people who abuse them like you abuse D’s son? You don’t want that. They are all children of God and they all deserve a chance in this evil and cruel world. Just embrace and love him because you love his Dad. Stop. Go away. Leave. But don’t hurt him again. Give him a chance at life!! If you ended up in prison over this and the other inmates found out what you did, they could kill you and/or destroy you and what would that do to your kids? What do your kids really think of you deep down for doing that to another child??!!!!! Sad. Please please get help. Please stop. Please love that baby. They are all children of God. He’s a human being. He’s a life regardless of where he came from. Help him don’t hurt him. Give him a chance. He has a beating heart and feelings. He’s precious. He doesn’t know how to ask for things because he’s afraid of you. Just stop. Do him a favor and get out of his life or love him. Don’t ever be alone with him. You wouldn’t do that in front of D right? Then don’t do it at all??!!! What if he got you on hidden camera for the world to see??!!! Just stop.

      • ANM
        Posted April 17, 2015 at 7:05 am | Permalink

        No argument. You couldn’t be more right. D is stupid. I ask him the same thing, trust me, I tell him…what if the roles were switched?! If you did this to MY baby I would slit your throat. He for some reason, blames it on my pregnancies. I dont harm his son, other than when I am pregnant, NOT that thats an excuse. Beautifully put: Joseph loving Jesus anyways. I am not very religious, I lost my very very strong faith years ago. I mourn for it back. I hate that I hurt him, please do not get that mistaken. understand that everything you have said has been in my head multiple times…prison..losing my children…possibly losing control so badly i kill him! I cry now every time i smack him in the face or push him, i wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing i killed him. i want to help him, i seek help for him! i swear there is an answer for both ends and a solution i am searching for it so badly! I have been searching for therapist all morning. i want help. i want to fix what i have broken. in my heart and his DESPERATELY! I DESPISE the monster I have become and am. Reading what i wrote was soul shaking. seeing it…in black and white…i dont know how to explain that feeling. is there no return? will i ever have a normal relationship with him? can i fix this?

      • Ash
        Posted April 28, 2015 at 9:32 pm | Permalink

        OMG, somebody needs to report this i would have already done so myself but i’m in another country!
        That poor little boy… how dare you even speak bad of him you are by far 10,000 times worse than any horrible word you claim him or his mother to be. Both you and “D’ need to be locked up and all those children need to be placed anywhere besides with you!
        If anybody sees this in America call this number now!
        1-800-422-4453 Report it!

        • anm
          Posted April 29, 2015 at 1:50 pm | Permalink

          You have absolutely no idea what I deal with, as an individual and as a mother. This blog is designed for this. You have no information to REPORT. I get the therapy I need. I also get the help that the child in reference needs, from multiple doctors. I am PROACTIVE about treatment for both of us. HOW ABOUT YOU call the national child abuse hotline for someone who DOESNT care to seek help for their faults and who DOESNT care to do what is BEST!

          • Ash
            Posted April 29, 2015 at 3:47 pm | Permalink

            Are you KIDDING ME? Not once in this comment do you have anything even remotely kind to say about this poor little 4 year old AUTISTIC boy who isn’t even old enough to be in school.
            You say ”I definitely know he is fucked off in the head…but he isnt retarded. he chooses to be!” Let me tell you that this little boy DID NOT CHOOSE any of this. He was simply born, and ended up with a monster like you and a disorder that makes him more vulnerable and disconnected from other people.
            You are right I have no idea what you are going through as a person or mother, I do know what it is like to have a child with autism though, It’s tough, it is much much more work, extremely tiring and heartbreaking. Kids with autism need much more love and attention, much more support, and much more understanding than a normal child. It makes me sick to think that this little boy should have to spend one more minute in your care, a women who hates his guts and claims to want to ”shake and strangle some fucking common sense into him”, sometimes doing just that. You aren’t the victim your the monster, he is the victim. I don’t care what you have been through, and i personally don’t care if you go through a hell of a lot more, you would deserve it.
            You seem to think locking him in his room all day is a good thing, protecting him from yourself or whatever ( so yes i guess it’s preferable) but if somebody were to post about just that i would be disgusted also. That is no life for a child.
            I don’t care what help you are getting, no child should have to be stuck with their abuser… even if you were to never lay another hand on him he should not be with you.

      • Ash
        Posted April 28, 2015 at 9:33 pm | Permalink

        1-800-422-4453 Report it!

    • Ash
      Posted April 28, 2015 at 9:35 pm | Permalink


      • jones
        Posted May 6, 2015 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

        Has this been reported? Someone needs to save this little boy before she kills him

        • Anon Mom
          Posted June 30, 2015 at 9:02 pm | Permalink

          It has been reported and followed up with. She and the 5 year old are apart and getting the help they both need.

  7. MS
    Posted April 5, 2015 at 11:34 pm | Permalink

    I’m glad I saw this. I am currently in a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man who is a divorcee & has full custody of his two boys, ages 16 & 10. Their mother is a selfish piece of shit who does nothing postive in their lives. The oldest doesn’t like his mom & has little to no relationship w/ her, while the youngest sees his mom twice a month on the 2nd & 4th weekends. The youngest was really affected by the divorce. He is selfish, clingy, still baby talks, spoiled, & has a low self esteem. He hates being disciplined, since his mom left 5 years ago, & expects things to go his way. I feel so bad for saying and feeling these things because overall, we have a cool relationship compared to what I’ve read from others so far.

    BUT, his quirks, and personality traits bug the shit out of me. Hence forth creating problems for his dad and I. We plan on marrying soon, and he tells the kids I am a part of this family already. The youngest, is incredibly clingy to his dad, he’ll always sit in the middle of us, not let us walk together and hold hands, but not because he doesn’t like us together, in fact, he asks when we’re getting married. He still baby talks, to his dad and mom only, sometimes me, but I tell him to talk “like a big guy”. But because I am the ONLY one implementing discipline, I am the bad guy.

    I truly love my boyfriend, but I am so tired of arguing about why his child is obsessive, lazy, clingy, will ask the same question, different ways literally 6 times or more, etc… I don’t know what to do, sometimes I want to withdrawal, but I have reached a point where i am the mother figure in their lives. The oldest is in his own teenage world, I know he hates how consistant I am, and how strict I am, but he’s very respectful and like I said, both boys and I love eachother. But I feel like it’s piling up. My boyfriend is honestly trying to balance things more by being the one to nip things in the bud, but I know it’s hard because he doesn’t like scolding his kids at all, even if they deserve it. Even if he does scold, my BF makes both his sons laugh at the end. I don’t have that relationship with them the way he does, but it does suck that I don’t. I do consistenly try to build my relationship with them. But it all rounds back to his personality. I’m still trying to accept, that the youngest is just an a annoying kid, with out feeling guilty.

    • Allison
      Posted April 14, 2015 at 11:37 pm | Permalink

      I have a son and a child on the way by my boyfriend of four years and Ihe has four other childen by the same lady which is fine with me the only problem I have is we live ten minutes from them and they come over every weekend and I love that my man loves his kids and take care of them but she has him on child support and they are still in need as well as them coming over every weekend. I feel they need to be with thier mom too. He picks them up after school, and they don’t clean up after they self the oldest is 15 and the twins are 13 and the youngest is 8. I am a neat freak I told him before and it like after he told the kids a week later they were back to messy them. I feel the mother should teach them to clean up after themselves and he should cause them are his kids as well and I dont want that to be the reasons we leave we are a happy family not to forget he is Hispanic I am African American we come from two different places but our love is real its his kids I just cant stand due to having our house masturbation . I need help with a bit advice.

  8. Desperate Dan
    Posted April 2, 2015 at 2:13 pm | Permalink

    Oh my goodness. Such a strong resonance with many of the situations and emotions shared here. I guess I could expect no less from a site entitled ‘I can’t stand my stepchildren’ you’re not going to find too many success stories here.

    I have two grown sons myself, who are remarkably well adjusted given that their mother and I divorced when they were young and my access was limited given that she then moved them 500 miles away. But access I had, and so I’ve had some experience of parenting. It’s never been like this though.

    I love my woman, together we are amazing and after just over a year we moved in together. Things are not amazing however, when her children are involved. Girl and boy, both primary school age, I’d always got along great with her little girl, the boy has always been much more anti. Still, I have tried and had a few minor successes along the way. These are outweighed by the heart ache which comes with watching my fiancée fail to be consistent in disciplining them, and fail to support me when they are rude or when I have to step in to discipline them myself.

    This week I have been at my wits end. Their behaviour has been so awful. Reading this site though, has given me some insight into my situation, and I am thankful for that. Fiancées parents are alcoholics, and by that I mean proper piss heads who can’t even see that the best place for them would be in AA. The kids dad comes from a broken home, his mother was a junkie and did time in prison. I can see some sort of link here regarding these children not having the best start in life given the potential genetic mix available.

    Hence their behaviour. I can’t stand it when they come back from their dads and tell me things like ‘why don’t you go back to your own family’ – phrases she has obviously picked up from conversations over the weekend. Phrases like – ‘there’s a man is going to visit you at your work’ how would a four year old think to say something like that? I must add that this was after she had made the previous comment and she made this comment with intent. She knew something cruel was implied by this message, maybe not quite what. So now I have a situation where I’ve stashed a weapon at work in case the thugs do appear. As it happens, they have previous when it comes to assault. So now I ask myself “why am I even here” the best advice seems to be ‘run away!’ ‘Very fast’, yet I love this woman. I tried to talk to her about it but she can’t or won’t listen and now as a result I have withdrawn from them all. I hate being here like this. I’m questioning my own sanity, what the hell is so wrong with me that I cannot engage with these young souls?

    I’d been hoping that as the years passed and the kids got to know me all this would change. Going by the available evidence it won’t even change when they walk out the door as adults. How depressing. I know I have to leave her. This is such a terrible situation. How much I wanted to be a role model to them and watch them blossom through the years, but that’s all pie in the sky. Either it works or it doesn’t, and this is the latter of the two available options.

  9. Ali
    Posted April 2, 2015 at 9:53 am | Permalink

    Although I feel for you all in your situations, it sure is nice to know I am not the only one feeling this way. My husband has two daughters from his first marriage, ages 17 and 14 and 2 sons from a relationship after he was divorced, ages 9 and 7. All of his children live with us full time aside from the 17 year old (She stays occasionally). I love his girls, they are amazing, wonderful and just so sweet. The boys on the other hand I cannot stand whatsoever! I treat them all the same but it just doesn’t seem to matter. We also have my 10 year old son just over 50% of the time and my 6 year old daughter full time, so 5 kids here. My husband acts like his sons can do nothing wrong unless they are rude to him or don’t listen to him, then he gets upset. They are so picky when I cook but if we order pizza the oldest boy is such a pig he will eat it all so fast and have thirds and fourths sometimes before everyone even gets one piece. They don’t brush their teeth nor wear pajamas and they stink. I can smell piss, B.O. and rotten feet where ever they are and sometimes I can even still smell it in the room after they have left, it’s disgusting! They are so destructive and get into everything. And I mean break EVERYTHING they touch!! I gave our cats away because they were so mean to them. They wrestle all the time and have broken both their tablets I got them for Christmas within a week because they wrestle while playing on them. They only just started wiping their own asses this year and still sometimes ask their dad to help!! Sometimes they leave crap in the toilet and when I go to flush it I see no toilet paper, which means they don’t even wipe their ass all the time!! I have tried everything possible to make this situation work and keep myself happy but it is just impossible. They are gross, ignorant and just horrible kids and the only time I am happy is when I am away from them. They are in groups and counseling and I am in groups and counseling and it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Their dad had a girlfriend before me who left because in her words exactly “Cannot stand your kids!” I fully understand her now. I am 7 months pregnant and just don’t know what to do. I cannot stand them either and if I could do it all over again would have looked the other way when I met their dad!!

  10. thinking separation
    Posted March 18, 2015 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    I have been married for 11 years this May and while I love my husband and we have so much fun together, I am dreading going back home. I am on vacation without him and am enjoying not thinking about all the family drama that happens with all of them. They are all in their 30’s and nothing has really changed, except now there are more grandkids and even more time that my husband wants to spend with them. :( I just don’t think I can do this anymore. :(

    • Vicky G
      Posted May 5, 2015 at 6:04 pm | Permalink

      My husband and I reunited after 40 years apart. We both have grown children, a female and a male, from other marriages. My son has had issues with me for too long a time, but he’s still my son and I love him. I love my husband’s daughter too and her toddler, but my husband wants me to pretty much forget about my son and “be happy” that his daughter and grandchild love me…as if it compensates for the loss of my relationship with my son. Husband’s daughter is sweet, but VERY needy, helpless, not able to do anything without financial or some other type of assistance from her dad and I. Again, I love her, but esp. now that the toddler (absentee father for the most part) is in our lives, husband’s daughter feels all the more entitled and seems to think we have money growing on trees. She can do no wrong, and my son is always a terrible person. This is hard for me to take, because I grieve badly over my son (not being able to have meaningful communication with me, though I try – without pressuring him. Husband tells me I’m “tribal” if I say anything about daughter and toddler taking so much $ from us, saying I should be grateful that they love me SO MUCH even though my son is terrible. Just in case someone like my husband is reading this, please realize that a natural mom or dad can’t help but love their own child no matter what, and that someone else’s kid or grandkid, though loveable, can’t replace the natural-born child in the natural parent’s heart. Stepparenting, I think, is even harder when older couples marry, who have grown kids from other marriages or relationships, because these grown kids and now their grandkids start expecting $$$ to come their way, or be given at their whims — seldom caring to think about the fact that these older couples/parents/stepparents may want to finally enjoy the few years and dollars they have left. Everyone is so entitled and self-centered, it seems. I have a history of child abuse so severe (from my mother and enabled by my ignoring father) that every counselor I’ve EVER told my story to has said this is the worst tale they’ve ever heard in all their careers. Yet God has led me to forgive my mother and father (now both deceased) since I was 20. So I know about abuse and how it feels to have nobody rescue you as a child. Abusers, no matter what your reason and no matter how much a kid irritates you, please consider leaving the marriage/relationship and spare the child, for the love of God. I too have felt far from Jesus (off and on, especially recently), but no one can ever snatch me from my Father’s hand, and He causes my heart to want Him no matter how bad a hand I’m dealt. Just my 25 cents’ worth.

  11. GioVanni
    Posted March 17, 2015 at 8:29 pm | Permalink

    Wow! I’m in the same position, but as a step father. I raised my own son as a single father, long before I got involved with this relationship. I have always loved children, but these kids of hers are unlike any and yet, so common; spoiled, lazy, and demanding. I tried to help her, but I always end up on the bad side of that help. I love her but I just cannot stand her kids. And it’s ashame because I have tried to be supportive and understanding, but I just feel so drained and frustrated. I know when they are lying to her and she just doesn’t get it. She finds an excuse for their actions too frequently! I sense my heart will end up losing the love I have for her; for the sake of maintaining my sanity and health! I feel for all of you and thank you for sharing your life’s too.

    • Alex Faleye
      Posted March 24, 2015 at 1:40 pm | Permalink

      I feel the same at the moment. I’ve lived with my girlfriend and her 2 teenage girls for just over a year and the older soon to be 15 year old drives me up the wall the way she swans around the house and the disrespect she has for her mother. She is always asking for money and doesn’t like doing any house work. She has a nasty attitude and is extremely lazy. I just want to tell her about herself but it’s not my place.

      I feel that I need to say something to my girlfriend because it’s driving me crazy and I dread coming home sometimes. This may push us apart as I would never expect her to choose me over her kids. This is a tough situation to be in and I feel like walking away to preserve my sanity and not be around kids that get on my last nerve. My girlfriend keeps hinting about marriage and having a child with her and we haven’t even been together 2 years. I don’t think I want 2 stepkids that I don’t particularly love and that get on my nerves. Any advice would be more than appreciated.

      • Vicky G
        Posted May 5, 2015 at 6:12 pm | Permalink

        I don’t know how old you are, and maybe it doesn’t matter. But one thing I HAVE learned is this: having a “new child” with someone you’re already losing respect for, and already with a lot of “kid baggage” does NOT make things better. I only wish I’d never felt the strong infatuation I felt with my son’s dad, because that infatuation blinded me to some red flags I chose, unfortunately, to ignore. The infatuation wore off, but then I had a child with him. Then, many years later, I married again as stated in my earlier post. I still love my husband, but if a person can remain single and be content, I think everyone is better off. Again, my 25 cents.

  12. Sally
    Posted March 17, 2015 at 10:27 am | Permalink

    I am SO glad to know I am not alone! I feel terrible as a person – as a mother of 5 – that I cannot stand my step son. I ask myself, “What kind of person has feelings of dislike toward a 10 year old”? There are many dynamics. His mother is now suddenly absent and lives in another state. He was not given guidance or support by her when he lived there prior to a year ago. He has ADHD, his dad makes excuses for him constantly, he is the only boy with my 3 youngest girls (my sonly son is 23), and he did NOT live with us when we started dating, and I was under the impression I would only have to tolerate him during visits (which was a stretch even then). I wish I could WILL myself to like him, to be nice to him, and even to bond with him; he needs a mother figure. But I cannot bring myself to do it. I feel very bad about it. His dad is really good with my 2 kids that live with us that aren’t his and our 4 year old daughter. I just never dated anyone with kids. I never wanted to. Plus I am the sole provider to now another person living in my house. I feel that he is being/been forced on me.

  13. Deanna Brose
    Posted March 9, 2015 at 8:16 am | Permalink

    I kind of have the same situation but am on the other side of the table. My husband and I love eachother unconditionally. When him and I met, my children from a previous marriage, got along beautifully. They clung on him. Always wanted to sit on his lap and cuddle with him. Now as the years go by, they are disrespectful to both of us, his parents and other people. They thrive to put a wedge between him and I. Everytime we fight, they ask if they should pack their stuff so we can go back to Michigan (where myself and my children are from). Like nothing bothers them that I am hurting from the fights they cause. He now doesn’t think he can handle being a parent anymore. It kills me to think of losing him. He told me this morning that he just can’t handle the disrespect from them and he is thinking he wants to walk away. What do I do? Anyone else on this side of the table? It seems to hurt no matter which side the person is on. Both of my kids have ADD/ADHD and absolutely hard to deal with anymore.

    • Vicky G
      Posted May 5, 2015 at 6:16 pm | Permalink

      ADD/ADHD is involved in my current situation, too. It certainly doesn’t help, as the helplessness and over-dependence on her dad and I drives me up the wall sometimes, though she is a sweet person overall. It is SO hard to stay married when kids from other marriages “turn” on you and your mate…I sympathize, that’s all. They need boundaries big time, from the sound of it. I’ve also heard that it’s very true that stepkids shouldn’t be disciplined by the “new” parent for at least 3 years, until they accept their natural parent’s new mate as a member of their family.

  14. VG
    Posted March 9, 2015 at 6:05 am | Permalink

    I’m so glad I’m not alone. My boyfriend/newly fiancé has 4 children. The 3 oldest are daughters 19, 18 & 16 and the youngest is a son 13. The daughters are not his biological daughters, he helped raise them since they were 5 & under. He was with their Mom for 12 years off and on or so. We’ve been together for almost two years. The 18 year old never comes around and she’s part of the reason my boyfriend and his ex broke up. The 19 year old has 2 kids, 2 different Dad’s. She lives with her Grandma and doesn’t have a job, car or home of her on (obviously). The ex relationship was super dysfunctional full of alcoholic parents and partying. Although my boyfriend is pretty strict, the kids were raised with little boundaries and structure as he was always drunk. They are accustomed to drama and a lack of enforced rules. Their Mom had the 19 year old at age 15. My boyfriend is about 4 years older than her and she was under 20 when they met. Anyway, he took on a huge responsibility with the Mom and the girls. He was very unhappy but never wanted to admit it. For some reason he gel obligated to these kids. It’s almost like he was guilted and tricked into it. In the beginning, I though he must be an amazing person for taking on this huge responsibility. His family didn’t seem to care for them much and the girls even told me that was the case in beginning. My boyfriend said he always saw the girls as his own and it seemed that he spent several years defending that position. I thought what a great guy! Until he started getting defensive with me over them for no reason. The whole thing is just really weird all driven by their Mom, I believe. She’s very passive aggressive. She’s an only child yet had 4 kids of her own starting at a very young age. She’s barely 33/34 and is a Grandmother but she doesn’t even take motherhood seriously at all. She expects everyone to help take care of her kids for her and give them guilt trips of they don’t. She acts like she’s a good mother but she’s very fake. She lies a lot and is very weird and manipulative. I can’t even describe it. Well her daughters act the same way. They didn’t at first but then it had all unfolded later. I have rules. I’m strict and have boundaries with my own daughter. I don’t hold them to any rules or expectations that I would with my own daughter yet I get accused of “hating” them or trying to “oust” them. He constantly hears from them and ther mother that I’m “trying to push them out”, I guess because I won’t give in to their every antic or whim and he’s stopped too. I’m an easy target and everyone blames me because they don’t come around as much anymore. Yet the son lives with us. Apparently, I’m “evil”. I’m trying to understand what I’m evil for? Because I have rules? Because they have to do chores when they come over? Because I’m not at the beckon call and their “Dad” isn’t anymore either? There is something very contrived and disingenuous about that whole relationship and I don’t underatand it all. Despite being teens, it goes beyond what would be expected of teens in a blended family. It’s hard to explain and its weird. They don’t respect my boyfriend as a Father but they expect him to act like a Father out of their convenience. I can tell when he’s talked to them because then he tells me things like I “kicked” them out of his life. Yes he doesn’t bend over backwards and kill himself doing everything they say anymore. He doesn’t drive them all over town, they don’t come over as often and he doesn’t ho broke to buy them whatever they want anymore. We don’t do that for my daughter either. To me, pretending like they are “his” kids is a flat out weird lie. You would have to experience it to understand what I mean otherwise I know I just sound like a cold hearted witch – and they love to make me out to be that way. We were all really close at first until I realized it was fake and all driven by their mother. She is very controlling and weird in a passive sort of way. She plays nice, especially with her ex, but it’s only to get her way or hustle. It’s really hard for me to explain and it’s all very trivial and exhausting. I can’t stand constantly being told that I’m trying to push people out when I’ve done things for ALL of them, including the girl who doesn’t ever come around. She decided that before my boyfriend and I ever got together. I’ve given them rides, bought them things they need and hung out with them. I’ve cooked for them and helped them with homework, taken them to appointments, etc. I’ve done more for them than a lot of people have, including their own Mom. I don’t say this to them but everyone knows it. The only thing is that they constantly make demands on their Dad and now me. The 19 year old with kids would expect us to cook for her. She would demand that he do this and that for her. She would stay at our place during the day with no job and she would barely lift a finger. She had no respect for herself or our household. None of them are blatantly bad or disrespectful. Let’s just say they know how to work it. The 19 year old would have her friends/boyfriend over while we were at work. Many things got broken and stolen. She’s lazy. Her daughter (under 1 at the time, 2 now) would always walk around snot nosed and dirty. She would have to be told to change the baby’s diaper. They were all kind of slobbish in their ways. My boyfriend said he worked all the time while the Mom and kids would stay home and he would come home to nothing but filth and stuff everywhere. I’m a neat freak. I love a clean home and so does he. It was a culture shock for them. I tried to help them and teach them. I told my boyfriend that he can’t do everything for them because then they’ll never know how to do anything for themselves. I said the 19 year old can get in and help cook and clean. The other kids too. So apparently giving them any level of reaponsibility and not putting up with filth makes me a horrible person who is “trying to push them out”. They don’t live with us anymore. They don’t come around a lot and that’s my fault apparently. The 16 year old is a flat out brat. She does things subtly just to antagonize people. She’ll stuff dirty socks in the couch on purpose just to annoy me and cause a fight between her Dad and I. I’ll ask her to pick them up and her Dad will get all defensive. I’m tired of getting accused of hating them. In the beginning, he would say “oh my slovenly ghetto kids” as if he were mocking me but I never said those things. He’s a great guy otgerwise but when it comes to them, it’s all really weird. I never said they were slovenly and I’ve mever said they were slobbish in front of him. It’s just a fact, they are. The 16 year old will get in and help when asked. That’s not a problem but she will act like a brat and demand things in the process. It’s like they use him and don’t know any better. They treat him how their Mom treated him and its not good. If he sticks up for himself, they text him when I’m not around (the mom does too) and tell him hes mean to them now “because of” me. I’m sick of it. Then he takes his guilt and anger out on me. We never fight. We have a LOT in common until it comes to those girls. Then we fight horribly. I’m not going to back down or give in like he does and it’s not like I torture them. I just have rules and boundaries and I don’t want my own daughter (11) to think certain behaviors are okay or getting pregnant at a young age and insisting everyone take care of you and your kids is okay. It’s not okay. Their Mom goes out and drinks a lot and she’s rarely there for them. She’s not the type of Mom to take them to the doctor or dentist or to get them things that they need. She didn’t have a job or a car for awhile. When my boyfriend stopped giving and doing everything for her, she despised me. He has his biological son full time. She sees him maybe once or twice a month which is fine because now that she has her own apartment, job and car, it’s a lawless household where teens run rampant. The Mom tried to act like a teen herself. It’s crazy. So when the son goes down there he shoplifts and is bad. He comes home with an attitude but then it goes away and he’s pretty good otherwise. I run a tight ship and he seems to really thrive in the structure. The girls, on the other hand, can’t stand it. Also, the girls and their Mom used to play with game with my boyfriend before I was ever in the picture that he’s “not allowed” to do certain things without them. He’s not allowed to eat at certain places without them or go to the mountains without them, etc. To me, it was weird and I wasn’t about to play that game too. They aren’t here 100% of the time so it’s impossible anyway. Of course I was the bad guy for that too. When we first got together the now 19/then 17 year old with a baby would tell him he “better not” do this or that or go to this or that party or babyshower because he didn’t go to her babyshower. They were serious too. It would just annoy me and still does. The 19 year old now has a boyfriend and a 2nd baby with him. She is somehow wrapped up on child protective services with the first baby and we have to get background checks (which is fine but…) in order to take the baby for a weekend as we used to when we first got together and, somehow though we had nothing to do with any of that at all, it’s all my fault that he hardly sees them and the baby anymore. I get blamed for it all. I didn’t get her wrapped up in child protective services. She did that to herself along with her ex and new boyfriend/both the kids Dad’s. It’s all just so strange and dysfunctional and I can’t understand why my boyfriend just goes along with it all and gets mad at anyone who doesn’t want to put up with it all or “judges” them. Weird. I can always tell when he’s talked to them because he’s in a bad mood. Even though we love each other and get along great otherwise, I kind of want to end this relationship. I’m to the point where I can’t stand those girls or the thought of them coming around due to all the drama and his anger. The 16 year old is “dating” my 17 year old nephew (my sister’s son) and they worked up with whole scam and manipulation for him to live with her at her Mom’s. It caused a lot of heartache and drama in the family and of course my boyfriend blamed my sister and I and took their side. Why? I lost all respect for them after that – my nephew and his daughter. It grosses me out. We don’t allow them to spend the night together at out house and neither down my sister so, of course, we are the band guys. My boyfriend has really done and said nothing about the whole thing and only comes back with his teenage logic and their Mother’s excuses. Apparently if my sister was a better Mother, none of this would be happening. Apparently, my nephew “would rather” live with his ex than my sister, because that’s what they say. It’s sickening and annoying. I don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I love each other very much. We have a great relationship otherwise. He just has some claws that are deeply sunken into him and I don’t know what to do. I feel I’ve tried and done my part and it’s all on his shoulders to make it all better. I don’t know. Those girls are spoiled brats. What can I do? I’ll admit, I am to the point where I don’t like it when they come around but they aren’t tiny innocent little helpless babies as my boyfriend seems to think.

    • Leo
      Posted March 20, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Permalink

      Run far and run fast while you still can.

  15. Emily
    Posted March 3, 2015 at 6:24 pm | Permalink

    I am so glad I am not alone. However, from reading the comments I don’t see much hope for myself. I wish I had read this before I got married! I have been feeling so bad that I cannot like, let alone love, my husband’s kid even after 5 years. I can’t stand the kid now 12, she is a lazy, spoiled, manipluative, disrespectful, spiteful little witch. She steals, destroys, and has driven wedges between me and other family members. She seems to thrive on causing drama and I am her number one target but she has also caused drama and misery for classmates too. (maybe eventally she will pick on the wrong one and get her butt kicked!)
    I have tried to like her, I really have. I try to be nice I keep thinking maybe she’ll come around. However, usally the more nice things I do for her the nastier she becomes. It seems like the only time she is decent is when I am hating her and then she becomes this demure innocent little waif and I look like the bad guy.
    It has taken me some time to realize that she is just a bad person plain and simple. She will probably be a evil little witch her whole life. I didn’t want to believe that, I wanted to believe that she is just a child and so on but bad adults are often bad when they were kids too.
    The other thing that took me so long to realize is the number one problem is her father, my husband. His lack of consistant parenting and always making excuses for her has given her the green light to be the witch that she is.
    I don’t see this getting any better for me. I was doing like others on here and counting down the days till she leaves but I don’t see it that way anymore. The witch is always going to cause me problems and if my husband dies before me she will cause me some BIG problems for sure. Now I think the smartest thing to do to preserve my assets & my child is to try to stay married until my child comes of age then divorce. If I can handle living in a prison until the witch leaves the house that is.

  16. Ali Dale
    Posted February 19, 2015 at 10:55 am | Permalink

    Hi Everyone, im going through this hard Situation almost 5 years now.
    I have 2 Stepchildren. A (Girl-14) and a (Boy-12)…With different Mothers.
    I have a Son age of 6, he believes that my Husband is his Father,
    My Husband and I were together when he was 8months old.
    And since 2010 we had our own child (Boy-4)- Everything is very well with our common Child. We dont fight at all.
    All Kids are living with us.
    The Mothers of the Kids doesn’t care at all…
    I am the One who takes care of them almost 5 years now.
    They are both disrespectful, Lazy, they even look for reasons for me and my Husband to fight.
    My problem is that, whenever I say something to his Kids or asked them to do something, like to bring thier Plates in the Kitchen or tell them they should Stop whatever Stupid things they are doing, they dont listen at all.
    24/7 no rest, they try everytime to Piss me off.
    To the point that I have to complain to thier Father everything what I dislike about his Kids, and he is everytime trying to Protect them, like as if Its all my Fault.
    And now what happen is, when his Kids get scolded for whatever Stupid things they make, my Husband finds reason to scold my Son, like its making me feel that his trying to send a Silent message ” If my Kids are scolded by you,then so your Son too”… Like when he must be told 5 times to do something,then he shouts at him and make some terrible comments like “this Child has a very Big Problem”…
    And thats making me giving up. My Son is 6 and he just started to go to school get bullied everyday because he looks different and resulted Bulimia” correct me if Im wrong) and at this young Age he goes to a psychiatrist to refrain this Problem.
    And he is now even starting to tell me that your son has his Fathers Attitudes.
    He didnt even knew him at all, We separated when 1 was 16weeks preganant.
    I am starting to dislike his Kids because of thier Attitude towards me, and thier Fathers attitude towards me and my Son.
    What I did is Ignore his Kids, when they make Stupid things then I come to him and tell him whats going on and let him handle the Situation, because Im tired to be mis understood. And Now his complaining that I am Neglecting his Kids.
    I came to be the Snow Whites Stepmother again just because i let him Handle everything regarding his Kids.
    I just cant take it anymore.
    I need help.

    • Ali Dale
      Posted February 19, 2015 at 11:33 am | Permalink

      I dont have Real Friends to talk to that is why i seek help here.

      • Don't like skids
        Posted February 23, 2015 at 5:06 pm | Permalink

        Contact me. I have 2 skids – teen, one thank goodness doesnt live with us – – but the son who has ADHD and aspies is nasty annoying and lazy and my husband just doesnt discipline. Feeling resentment towards him also. I so hate these kids. If I would have known what I know now, I would had ran like hell…You dont see things til you live with them 27/7

        • AliDale
          Posted May 30, 2015 at 11:33 am | Permalink

          How are you?
          How is it going with your Step Kids…?
          I apologise for the late Reply…


  17. KatieP
    Posted November 29, 2014 at 2:20 pm | Permalink

    Thanks for this blog. I cannot even put into words how dysfunctional, narcissistic, greedy, nasty and delusional my stepchildren are. I love my husband dearly but in all honesty know that getting those spawn out of my life will feel like a millstone has been removed from my neck. The younger daughter (who is probably not even my hubby’s biological child, psycho ex had several affairs) is evil to him and to us. She only calls to either berate him or demand money. She is married, with a baby now, and almost 30. The other daughter (who is definitely hubby’s), is so dysfunctional, she married a man like her narcissistic, borderline mother and is now going through a horrible (and very expensive) divorce and custody case. The ex – by everyone’s definition (except – of course – the PAS victim daughters) – is plain evil. From the moment she conceived the first daughter, she went on a campaign to alienate my hubby from the kids. He stuck in there like Job, and almost died from doing so. He was literally almost dead from physical illness and stress when I met him. In the first six months, he had three surgeries just to get rid of what was wrong. His kids didn’t even come to visit. Truly, the situation is the worst I have ever seen. I’m almost ready to see a therapist. The alienation worked, however, and nothing my husband does is ever good enough, or right or anything. Not one holiday have they ever even visited him since I’ve known them but they feel no qualms about calling asking for pricey gifts! If you suggest that maybe they should treat their father better they rip your head off and start blaming him for everything under the sun. Believe me, this man has been a saint. We are really left with only one “healthy” choice and that is to walk away, but as an adopted person, I disagree with abandoning children, however, I am at a loss as to what to do. It’s not like these girls are young, they are 29 and 32. My husband has funded their lives, desperately tried to play a role in their lives, and still they act like being less than rude to him is an “insult” to their hellspawn mother. You can’t even tell anyone else this because it is so extreme they don’t believe it. My hubby feels bad, says I’m “not happy” and this has changed our relationship. I don’t know what to do, frankly. We are nearing retirement and I’m terrified of something happening to hubby and having those evil things come after me. Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

    • KatieP
      Posted November 29, 2014 at 2:40 pm | Permalink

      Another problem I have with all of this is that they are 29 and 32. Neither my hubby or I were dependent on our parents, nor as dysfunctional in the world, as they are at that age. It’s mind-boggling. Though we offered to pay for a townhouse, SFH or condo for the older daughter when she left her (remarkably similar to her mother) soon-to-be-ex-husband, the girl moved back in with her mother, then started posts on FB about how happy she was that “her mother was there for her” … this after we offered to get her a place where she could live cost-free! It’s as if there are some major cognitive deficits … I told my hubby once that if he hung the moon for them, they’d denigrate him for a loose thread on his astronaut suit. Sadly, this is not an exaggeration. Now, we are on our vacation (we get one week off a year), and the younger “daughter” claims that “mother would never leave” the other daughter during her time of need (though she’s over there living with her mother) and we just gave her almost $5K two weeks ago for legal fees. It’s like a sick joke, and it makes me feel sick, and I worry that it is harming my marriage…but when I got married I sold my house and gave up everything, now I just feel depressed.

      • KatieP
        Posted March 18, 2015 at 6:20 am | Permalink

        Thought I would write an update here, just for the record, and as a cautionary tale to others. Over Christmas, the skids ignored and neglected their father. The older one called to threaten him that he would not see his grandson at all if he didn’t give her more money. Hubby flew into such a rage at this, his face turned purple and I thought he would have a heart attack. When he got angry at the older skid, she threatened to have him killed! These two skids have Narcissistic Personality Disorder in spades, and quite simply are sociopaths like their malignantly narcissistic mother. Hubby refused the request for $9,500 and said he was not going to be bullied like that and if they wanted anything from him they had to be respectful and nice to him, his wife (me), and his family and friends (they refuse to talk with their paternal uncle, aunt, grandma, or cousins). Needless to say, that’s the last we have heard from them. Hubby thinks now we won’t hear from them until his ex dies, if ever. It is really sad and has caused him so much heartache words cannot describe. It’s a pall that kind of hangs over our lives. While he and I are doing okay, if you have not yet married would strongly caution you to ‘stay far away’ … this type of parental alienation is known as “pathogenic parenting” as it passes on the parent’s mental illness to the children. There is no question that all three (his ex, and the two girls) are mentally unsound. I even said to the younger girl that she should visit any one of the therapists or counselors in our area, and describe her behavior if she wanted outside input into whether or not she was “right” or “justified.” Not surprisingly, she was dead silent in response to that. It’s truly sick. But at least they are not pushing hubby over the edge any longer, and he has come to see that the mental illness of the ex has been passed to them. It is very sad. Certainly not for the faint of heart, and extremely difficult to work through as a married couple. These “adults” who alienate should be totally ashamed, but then sociopaths don’t feel shame, and blame everyone else. I wonder, if when the skids lives still suck 15 years from now, if they will still blame hubby, in spite of no contact, and the answer is most likely yes. There doesn’t seem to be any real cure for narcissistic personality disorder. The mental health of the family you are marrying into I think has a lot of influence on your happiness as a couple and ability to handle a “blended” family. Good luck to all.

  18. Mimi
    Posted October 20, 2014 at 9:00 pm | Permalink

    I’m so disgusted with my Stepson. He steals, lies, breaks things . I feel zero love fir him. I want him back with his bio mom. It is where he belongs. They are just alike, liars, and thieves. I have tried. To the point of complete exhaustion with him.
    He’s ADHD , which I am calling BS on. He is bipolar, and moody.
    I don’t know how to convince m husband to just let him go to his mother.
    This will save the rest of our family.

    • Bj
      Posted November 12, 2014 at 12:04 pm | Permalink

      Omg I’m going threw the same thing I’ve tried and tried and get told I need to respect them or they won’t respect.. I can’t stand even being around them and there grown and we still argue because I don’t want them in our home

      • KatieP
        Posted November 29, 2014 at 3:00 pm | Permalink

        Well I have been just the opposite – tried to be kind, understanding and loving; rolled out the red carpet for the spawn, and all they do is crap all over the place. My hubby has seen his newest grandchild exactly three (short) times, and his “daughters” treat him like absolute garbage. I’ve never seen anything like it. They also said to him once, “We don’t have a problem with Katie, we have a problem with you” … not even having a darn clue how flabbergasted I am (and not in a good way) at their stomach-churning behavior. My hubby has wanted to walk from the scene time and again, he doesn’t even want me to mention it. I am beginning to think I need therapy.

    • Ginger
      Posted April 19, 2015 at 5:08 am | Permalink

      I too am in the same boat. I really dislike my husband’s son. (I don’t even call him my step son) He is 19 going on 20, and started living with his Dad and I in a different State from his Mom. He is a bum, and sucking off money from us. At this age, he’s gone back studying high school… He lived with his mom till 18 and his mum didn’t want him ruining her new marriage. Well, I told his father that he is now ruining our marriage!!!
      I have read all these posts and I am shocked with so many people in the same situation. I am glad I am not alone. I myself have a 9 year old from a previous marriage. My little angel loves my husband and get along so well until his horrid son came into our lives. I am so remorseful over all this, I also wish he would go away. Things were just beautiful when it was just three of us.

  19. Melissa
    Posted June 3, 2014 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    It is so nice to find a place to vent like this! I met, fell in love and married the man of my dreams or so I thought. Yes I knew he had 3 kids and had been divorced for 6 years at that time ages now 20, 16 (sons) and a daughter who is now 9. He’s the one who filed for divorce after finding out his ex had been sleeping with an old high school love whom she got pregnant by back then but had an abortion. This woman never held a job while they were married so he was busting his ass to give them everything they needed solely on his own. They tried counseling but she said the problems were his and his alone as he came from a “broken home” so she refused to go. When he finally left, the youngest was a year old. The counselor he was seeing at the time told him it would be “best” for the children if he could leave her the house so the kids could still retain their friends and stay at the same schools etc.

    This is what he did and he moved into a shed with no electricity or water so that his kids would not go without. He sacrificed so much!!! He had to pay out the nose in child support but he signed the house over to her and suggested she get a job since she hadn’t worked in 19+ years to help pay for utilities, food etc. She went on food stamps but never did get a job. She’s the very nosy type and never missed get together with friends to commiserate about her life. Since he left she has blamed him for leaving and takes no responsibility in the dissolution of their marriage.

    We met in 2012 and had a long distance relationship for 6 months before he proposed. I refused to move where he lived until we were married so we married one year ago in 2013. I felt so sorry for him and all that he had been thru and I knew I wanted to spend my life with him though I didn’t see the children when I came down but a few times. We got along ok I guess and in never really saw any red flags until just before the wedding when she called him about something and he was whispering in my hallway. I could hear the other person chewing him out on the line but not once did I think it was his ex because by this time, they had been divorced almost 8 years and in my mind I thought no way could it be her yelling at him but sadly it was. Apparently she still wore the pants even tho they were divorced. This pissed me off royally when I found out!!!! How could she? How could he let her still run his life? Apparently she was upset because he didn’t tell her he was getting remarried but the kids knew.

    I am a mother of two, a son 24 and three years ago my beautiful 17 year old daughter was killed in a tragic accident so I kno a little bit about kids you could say. I had left my husband in 2007 after years and years of abuse, verbally, physical and emotional. He was this way with all of us and I just could not take anymore!!! I was raising my daughter on my own as she had a dad who was too busy to spend time with her so I pretty much had her 100%. It was the best decision I ever made though even tho times were very hard. I am a good mom and I believe I raised my kids to work hard, respect everyone and treat others as they would like to be treated. It wasn’t easy but I did it by the grace of God.

    Back to the marriage, at first his kids treated me ok and I did all I could to try and get to know them as individuals which wasn’t always easy. They even seemed to like me too but soon enuf they stated saying things like……my mom does this better or I don’t like your cooking so they wouldn’t eat unless it was junk food. I’m the kind if person who loves to cook for others and that is how I show my love, thru my cooking but when this started I just gave up! Nothing I do is right in their eyes so I just shut down emotionally when it came to them after a while. I tried staying in my room but this only made my husband angry and he said some nasty remarks about me not liking them. Some of what he said is true, I don’t like them at times. They are entitled, spoiled, dirty little brats. When I say dirty I mean that literary!!!!!! Apparently hygiene is not taught in their moms house because every time they come over they need to bathe and brush their teeth especially the daughter!!!!! She littary smells with stinky feet and her hair is always a rats nest and greasy!!!!

    We just bought a new home and I try my best to keep it tidy and clean at all times but when they are here, the messes are everywhere!!! They don’t listen to me, make their beds or bathe unless dad tells them to!! I feel like a stranger in my own home when they are here and sometimes I look for excuses so I don’t have to spend anytime with them. I swear I’m not a mean person but all this instant parenting my husband expects me to do is causing some very real problems for us and we are already in counseling!!!! I don’t know where else to turn so if you have ANY answers I would greatly appreciate hearing them. The kids are here tues and thurs and every other weekend. I just want to take my dog and run away when they are here!!!! I love my husband with all my heart but I can’t stand his kids!!!!!! HELP

    • blue
      Posted June 13, 2014 at 11:34 am | Permalink

      I am lucky not to have to deal with my step-children. I just don’t care for them, and don’t ask about them, am I wrong?

      • Anne-Marie
        Posted March 5, 2015 at 11:11 am | Permalink

        No, you’re not wrong. I love my boyfriend but don’t have any feelings for or interest in his two spoiled-rotten adult daughters.

    • thinkthrice fts
      Posted October 3, 2014 at 6:39 pm | Permalink

      For those of you who think the nightmare will end at 18 you are sorely mistaken! Especially in states like New York and California. The fault lies with the biological parents and their nonparenting by GUILT! The stepkids are so coddled and spoiled that in most cases they will fail to launch.
      My oldest stepson who has been shunning his father for over six years turned 18 today. He has no plans for the future as mommykins told him he’d be a rock star. Kind of hard to do with no musical talent! He barely graduated high school, is a pot fiend and has a part time job making smoothies on a food truck. The worst part is that biodad has two younger ones that are even worse than the oldest! And to top it all off biodad OVERPAYS his child support to the point of being impoverished for the last ten years; completely relying on my salary and has NO problem with it!!! Mommykins is remarried and uses the child support for her fun money while I struggle
      Do yourself a favor and RUN!!!

  20. CE
    Posted May 22, 2014 at 11:10 am | Permalink

    This sounds all too familiar…. I have been with my boyfriend over 3years now and we get along great. There is one issue though. His grown ass daughters. I am nineteen years younger than him, and in the beginning his daughters and I got along just fine. It wasn’t until he moved in with me and they started to see stronger commitment between us. Then things started to get crazy. They have manipulated and created issues out of nowhere due to their jealousy and insecurities. I continued to be very nice and polite to them, but things just became harder. I’m 29, his oldest is 25 and youngest 22. I know age may be a factor in this, but for me it was a positive for common ground with them. They have lack of respect and maturity though unfortunately. I guess it boggles thier mind that thier dad could love someone slightly older than them. Not sure if that’s the real issue but I do think it plays a part in this scenario. The thing is, I also gave a 10 year old son, graduated college and have my own house and worked for everything I have. They started to even compete with me on these levels. I got pregnant and we now gave a for month year old son, plans to marry and moving soon into our own house. They straight up told him that they wish for us to split custody and not live together. I really think this roots back to their childhood due to their parents divorcing and they wish that for us, too. I think it’s extremely selfish, and displays disrespect to their father. He even recently found to the has stage three cancer and I’ve been very supportive along the way and felt like this could be the very thing to bring us all closer. Unfortunately, they have only created more drama since then. When they visit, I have given them each gifts, hospitality, and caring for them but seriously nothing is appreciated or good enough. I’ve decided to take the high road instead of the dead end that gets you nowhere. It us what it is. Just gotta move forward and live your life and choose to be happy. Not going to allow their negative influence affect me any longer. I’ve come to terms with this, and the fact that I don’t need to go out of my way to please them. I can be civil, but I refuse to be pushed around and that’s his decision to be disrespected. I’m removing myself from situation and he is the one to have a bond with them, not me. I’m blessed to have two sons and can only hope one day they will grow up.

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