Good morning Linda:
I've been out of town, crying thru our stupid election. I look at the date on your post, and I pray I'm not reopening some angst. But I empathetically need to respond.
Awww Linda, that's a sad and tearful story that you seem to be carrying alone. First of all, I offer you my condolences for your profound loss. But don't ever believe that you wasted 59 years of your new beginning. All of the parents on this forum are guilty of doing too damn much. We all love deeply, and this intensity that we have often leave us emotionally weak. This vulnerability that we exhibit during painful, transitional, life altering, truly heart breaking scenarios, makes the predators show up! Applaud yourself for the great attempts to forge on. Do not minimize that you are doing positive, admirable endeavors to stand tall. Finishing up your degree during several emotional onslaughts is unbelievably strong on your part. During your new growth directed toward sublime happiness, remember that your son's suffered also. Y'all long-term pain regarding their sibling, and your child was experienced by all the family members. Although, we know, you suffered the most. Your 59 years are not over, those years were not wasted. Who said that life was easy? Your decisions to move away, and sell your sad memory home are sound and very reasonable to me. It is time to make some new memories, time to cry with no witnesses, time to walk the new path that God is pushing you to travel on.
Remember that you are grieving many things; the loss of your child, the loss of long term caretaker, the loss of being 24/7 Mama, the loss of being saviour to grieving sons, the loss of being scapegoat, and most assuredly the lost of simply "waiting." You have managed to stand up, albeit you stand a little wobbly, but be assuaged that time will slowly allow you to grace yourself erectly. You are getting there Linda, and God knows you can do it.
I wish you peaceful, serene, moonlit shadowed nights, and lazy, wistful, sun draped mornings.
Finding myself a single mother of five children, one of whom was dying from Cystic Fibrosis, I chose to make many sacrifices to give to my children. We lived in poverty, but there was a home, food, and basic needs for them. I rarely had money to do anything special for them, but when I did, I worked A LOT to get it, and did without things I needed to get them.
Fast forward to today. My daughter died from Cystic Fibrosis, and I have four sons. All of these sons are grown now, and one of them is quite successful and has a lovely wife. The other three have lived with me off and on for years, always sponging my resources away, and sometimes bringing other people over to do the same. I had so much stress in my life, I finally moved out.
I sought the advice of an attorney, who was more concerned that I was being financially abused by my sons than writing up a rental contract for my house. When I told him exactly what my sons had done, he was HORRIFIED. I never looked at it the way he did, but the only value they seem to find in me are the resources I own. I can't even get them to help me when I need it, and I sure as hell do not trust them to make any financial decisions or health care decisions for me.
I am working diligently now to get my degree finished to move away from the town I live in. I am going to sell my home and disappear. I have thought about suicide. I have thought about running away, and I have felt shame and despair knowing that my sons do not value me. I have been threatened with "you are never going to see your grandchildren again" and I have been cursed and called all manner of names when I try to get them to act responsibly and do for themselves. I can't take it any more.
I am sick now, and I need help with a few things, but I know that I cannot count on any of them to help me. Even if one of them agreed to help, I would have to pay for their gas to get to me, or it would be a no-go.
This has been a very long process for me...in fact, this has been going on for years. I finally have the courage to cut ties with them and extricate myself from them, but it feels like I death. I need to mourn the loss of children whom I love and thought loved me. It feels like they have died, and my relationship with them is very strained. Even now, the only time I see them is when they want something from me. I'm going to say a permanent good-bye to them soon and start my life in a different part of the country. It is just sad that I have wasted 59 years, and I am almost too old.
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