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Funny to see this subject today about this. Matter of fact, after putting off seeing to all of these things, my husband and I decided to do our legal due diligence and put our things in order. We just finished a revokable trust, will, health care directive and financial power of attorney. After agonizing over this decision for over 5 or more years, and after giving my girls money and helping them over and over again out of situations of their own making, and then being told I "owed" it to them anyway. Showing no gratitude or appreciation for any of the things I have given to them or done for them, I made the tough call. Especially when I think back to when I rescued my oldest daughter and her two sons from a disasterous move halfway across the country and putting them all up for over a year and supporting them, etc. This done to save her from an abusive relationship, at any rate I do recall one morning when she and I were having coffee together and she looked around my condo and stated to me in matter of fact terms "how much longer do u think you've got", I asked what she meant by that. She responded, "you know, how many years u think you've got left to live?". I got the message that she was licking her chops hoping I would hurry up and drop dead so she would have a nice little condo for herself and her boys.
After all that, I've been treated deplorably by both of them; left out of Thanksgiving celebrations, Xmas celebrations, nasty grams, being threatened by the youngest with burning me out of my home, and the list goes on. At any rate, my will leaves my things to my husband, and if he predeceases me, it goes to my stepdaughter, (his daughter) as she's been a much nicer person to me and has treated me with kindness and respect. She has 5 children and is a very devoted and wonderful mother. So that's it for me. Everything's been taken care of, witnessed, notarized and filed. I'm not agonizing over this anymore. It feels like a big relief off my mind. Why would I reward such abusive behavior towards myself? the answer is: I'm NOT.

This is well said, Debby. I think that's very true. I, too have gone years with her as an equal in my assets. It is just now that I am beginning to rethink it. It's going too far.

I have often cringed to think of what might happen to the things I treasure if I pass them to someone who gets sick just being in my presence. I think that's the bottom line.

My other children and I have kept some of my mother's things that anyone else would toss out as junk like her Snoopy collection and old books given to her by my grandfather. As a matter of fact, the ones I didn't have time to salvage were tossed out by an antagonist in the family. I also have things that mean a lot to me that belonged to my grandmothers on both sides, and some pretty incredible and valuable things my father generously gave to me in secrecy, and my grandfather. When I see the sentimental things my other children took with them when they got married, and put in a safe place in their homes, and I ponder on the things they asked for because of the good memories in childhood and our time together, I know that what I have would mean far more to them. My one daughter who estranged me doesn't want anything from me. She even said it out loud when I asked her.

I can't imagine taking anything away from the others to try to make amends beyond the grave. That's foolish. The efforts I've made to let her know how much I love her and care, have been mocked, scoffed at, and discarded in life. Why would it be any different in death? It's easy to imagine that my treasures would too. It wouldn't be fair to my dad or grandparents either.

I really honor your decision to give your assets to the animals. They are a metaphor of mercy in our lives, unappreciated and exploited. If I were in your place, I would do the same thing you are doing.

I have other children, though, who have shown exemplary love and respect and timeless appreciation for what we have all built together throughout their lifetimes. They treasure the things around my home and often talk about the good times they remember growing up in association with them. My son absolutely adores his grandfather. And non of the others have interrupted their relationship with my mom for any drama or hatred of me. We are all very, very close. Whatever I don't have time to give to them in life, I will leave to them in death.

I know exactly what is going where and why.

I just wanted to add that I completely understand anyone's decision to leave an estranged child out of the will. I have contemplated doing just that many, many times and may still decide to do that in the future depending on what else transpires. But for now, I'm making the decision to at least include my estranged daughter, although leaving a lot less money to her than to the other children.

How close to my own thoughts. I have so often identified with the parable. I often wonder whether our daughter, estranged for 3 years, has to wind up "eating pig slop" before she will return to our arms, or if it would make any difference if she did wind up "bottoming out". Would she even ask for help? I guess the parable isn't primarily about children finally realizing that they need their parents, but to help us to understand God's unconditional love.

Regardless, I haven't yet given up hope. Yes, my intentions are to eventually remove her from our wills, if we don't see changes. I just haven't moved that far yet. I'm not sure when that time will come. I would so much rather cook up that fatted calf…

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I have not left my estranged son anything in my will. It was a hard decision to make, but he is my oldest child, financially independent, money in the bank and the last time I sent him a cheque for a birthday present (when he was 18, 4 years ago – he didn't cash it and said he wanted nothing from me; ever). I have a younger child (20) who still lives at home and is not financially independent and would need my financial help to remain safe and secure in the world.

I did not do this without very careful thought and consideration. I do not want to try and "buy" my son's love after my death, nor do I want him to give my assets away out of some kind of pride-fest. I have had no control over his behaviour towards me, so I figured I could at least have some control over what happens to my assets (if I have any) after my death.

I have the kind of will that I can change once a year at no charge, so I can change it if ever I want to. At the moment I don't want to.

Interesting thread. I hope others respond too.

Post edited 1:55 pm – September 3, 2010 by Shamysmom

I'm just curious. What have all of you decided to do about your "estate" and assets regarding the children who have estranged you? I have a trust fund and a will for my heirs that is the sum total of everything I have saved, acquired, and my property.

My husband is so amazing, he wants no claim to any of it and insists it goes exclusively to my kids. That includes my life insurance. Has anyone included or excluded these adult children from their inheritance and as beneficiaries? I had the hardest time making a decision on this one, even though my daughter said she wanted no part of any of it.