TELESEMINAR SERIES FOR COUPLES AND PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN AND TEENS
TELESEMINARS FOR ESTRANGED PARENTS
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The tragedy of this seems to have some balances.
September 3, 2010
lostgirlsmom
Shamysmom,
We used to send things, gifts ,etc. I have thought about sending checks just to see if she would cash them. But I didn't want to be accused of trying to buy her (though to accuse would require some communication on her part, wouldn't it?). So we have not sent any. Lately I've sent gifts to charities and had the acknowledgements sent to her. There are so many things I would love to do for her or with her. But at this point, I guess it is what it is.
September 3, 2010
Shamysmom
Lostgirlsmom:
I know what you mean. I was obsessively equal. Like when it came to Christmas gifts, I had to be on the nickle with an equal amount I spent between them. It took hours to add up and if I bought something else for one, I had to go shopping and make it up with the others. I was that way with volunteering in their classrooms, extracurricular lessons, time allotted, everything. Of course now, with this estrangement, I stopped even giving to my daughter. After years went by and she never acknowledged anything, I decided to send her big checks. That way I knew if she was cashing them. Then she stopped cashing even them. I'm not about to have a bunch of $200.00 and $250.00 uncashed checks laying around, so, I just have more resources for the others, I guess. I'd prefer to give it to my daughter and grand-daughter but it's not my choice. So I'm moving on.
September 3, 2010
Shamysmom
I am sorry, ladies. I placed this reply in the wrong post. It belongs here. It was late. What can I say?
Michelle,
You seem very sweet. I wish you could teach my daughter your heart and your perspective. I'd give my right arm to give her your attitude. Many children don't know what they have. Many mothers don't know what they have. If I were your mom, I would appreciate your sensitivity toward her and how much you care. I'd die for that in my daughter. Wishing you the best and wishing you all the strength and faith in the world within yourself. I am so sorry. We can only imagine how that would hurt.
September 2, 2010
lostgirlsmom
Thanks Shamysmom! You are exactly right.
I didn't play favorites with the kids, at least not that I am aware of. They each had their own niches. My daughter wanted to travel- I took her to England, she went on a trip to Italy in High School, spent a year in Spain, she went to a small college on the East Coast. None of that would have made sense for my son who liked to do outdoor things like ski and climb, and went to a state university near home. I love them both very dearly and want the best worlds possible for each of them. Not the same worlds, but what is best for each of tehm as individuals.
Our son responded to my pain and frustration from not hearing from our daughter as he does most things- with a sense of humor. He really was kidding about "being the good one". Heaven knows there were certainly times when he wasn't! But you keep on loving them regardless. Both of them.
Michelle, I have reached out time and time again to my daughter. THERE IS NO RESPONSE. There was NEVER any explanation WHATSOVER about why my daughter quit answering my phone calls, my letters, my emails. She just stopped. I have NOT quit. I HAVE apoligized for everything I can think of. If she told me what else I have done or not done, I would apoligize for that, too. We tried to visit her- she lives 1500 miles away, so it's not around the block. She refused to come to the door. Her husband doesn't know why, or at maybe doesn't want to tell us. This isn't a little matter of us arguing or upsetting each other. This is a matter of a relationship completely disappearing. I am curious as to just what "work" you would suggest that I do?
Right now, yes, I would have to say my relationship with our son is much better than the one I have with my daughter. I am enjoying being with him. And his girlfriend as well. Funny how it works when someone actually answers the phone, calls you back or sometimes even just calls you! But the funny thing is, if I would have had to guess 10 years ago which child I would be closer to right now, I would have gotten it so wrong. My daughter and I used to be so close, or so I thought. Not that she would be my favorite, just thought she would be the closer of the two, that we would have more in common.
I wish I had answers for all of us.
September 2, 2010
Michelle
Thanks, Shamysmom After sleeping on (and reading more posts with different situations) what I posted late last night, I did have some regrets as to what I posted, for lostgirlsmom. I think that we are all trying to understand those that we love and want to have a relationship with. You are right, we all are seeing the same similar problem, through different situations. We are all trying to understand and make sense of a difficult situation. I am venting on my side as a child. I know you are all parents. I am not good at verbalizing my feelings and I apologize for being insensentive. I wanted lostgirlsmom to understand that there may and I want to emphasize the word may be a lot of hurt on her daughters part. I am to the point where my mother really does alienate me, and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I really am tired of the drama, and the constant negativity. I have three beautiful children, and no I can't imagine a mother not loving each child no matter what. I always thought our family would get along so well and have great times together as we got older and had children of our own. I especially have needed my families love and support at this critical point in my life. I worry now, that my children and I won't get along, as they get older. I do have a wonderful mother-in-law who has been good to me and my children. It has helped to ease some of the pain. Right now, I don't have any real friends that are close. My one sibling that has always understood our families situation has started to turn on me as well (talk about a bunch of nasty, angry, selfish, dramatic, self-centered people). I constantly doubt my self-worth. I mean if your own family, doesn't love you and especially your own mother, how can anyone else. I have to constanly talk to myself, about my self worth. I am a good wife, and a very good mother, and a daughter of God. Those are the most important things. And not to get too religious, but Satan wants to destroy the most important thing that there is and that is our families. There are not necessarily earthly answers to our problems. The only person that can truly help us, is our Heavenly Father. I think we have to pray for courage and for peace, and to soften the hearts of those we love. Pray to know what we need to do. Thank you, Shamysmom for your words of encouragement. I really needed that! I truly do feel for many of the parents who have posted. The lady who tried to take her life, know that you are a good person, and that your Heavenly Father loves you. That is all that matters. I know it is difficult. I wish I could give everyone a hug and take your pain away. I appreciate this forum that I stumbled on. I think that it helps all of us to be able to express our frustrations, lend encouragement, and maybe offer solutions to each other.
September 2, 2010
Shamysmom
Well, Michelle….
I don't think that there is one person in here who hasn't "tried". I have often thought since my children grew, that parents don't play favorites, necessarily. We don't choose who we are closest to and who we are more distant from; our children choose for us.
Just because you see your situation in this competitive order, doesn't mean that the parents in here are playing the same game or falling for the same order. We love our children, all of them. We had no choice in being dumped by one of them out of 9 or all of them out of 3. Every one of us would have done anything to work it out but when we are completely cut off in the name of "Daddy said you're nuts so you are", or "I read a book and it's all your fault", or we just don't even have a clue because they just disappear, it isn't the same situation as yours. I understand your frustration with your parents but your parents aren't who we are. Lostgirlsmom didn't choose to have her daughter trash a relationship she thought was there all along and she didn't go to her son and say, "You're the good one." It was her son who came to her. And who can invalidate his feelings? But it wasn't lostgirlsmom who made this choice, it was her daughter.
You have a baby and though you are seeing things from the other end and projecting it into our situation, you have no idea. Babies would never do this. It's a different story when they grow up and you are the last person in the world they will respect because their friends mean more to them than you do, or their spouses carry a vendetta against the world, or they never had their father's affection and discover the best way to obtain it is to trash their mother…for whatever reason, even if it is our fault how are we supposed to know? They've left us all for dead.
I'm sorry for your situation with your parents. It sounds really hard and I don't think anyone can have a solution for you because we don't have one for ourselves. All you can do is believe in yourself and know that your truth, your worth is up to you; not your parents or your children when they grow. If you believe in yourself, and you can get passed the slanted opinion of others who only have their own agendas, at whatever cost to you, then you will survive with dignity.
September 1, 2010
Michelle
September 1, 2010
Michelle
I have a mother that is very similiar to you and your attitudes
about your "good children" and your "bad children" shame, shame on you for playing favorites with your children. You wonder why your estranged child will not have anything to do with you. You best described it yourself. You play favorites. My mother has done this my whole life. I especially began to
see it as I got married and began to have a family. She began to alienate herself very rapidly from me. It didn't matter how thoughtful, giving, caring etc. I was towards my parents and siblings, my mother and father both treated me like a child, they did not respect me or any of my ideas as an adult. I have 4 siblings. Two of us get the total shaft. My other sister continually tries to please. I have gone through the entire process and all of the stages, through self-help and my caring husband. I have given up, it will never work. Looking back now, my only brother, has always, been overlooked. The other two sisters, who happen to be the oldest and youngest (the youngest of whom was divorced young, with a child, and still lives with them) can do no wrong and they both have lavish attention paid to them and especially my niece who lives with them. These two sisters constantly talk themselves up to my mother and talk very negatively about myself and my other sibling. Of course they deny it. I have been accused of being jealous. I am not jealous, I have only tried to be a good member of the family. They look at me as trying to be a "troublemaker" I believe this is because they are jealous, because I have achieved alot in my life, and am a very active person, who is independent on my own. My children are completely overlooked. I have a new baby girl, which was so exciting to me. I took her to visit my parents. They didn't acknowledge or dote one ounce on her during her visit until it was time to leave. Then they wanted to take pictures. For what? A relationship, is more important
than a picture. What value does a picture have if there is no relationship. We have invited them to my sons sporting and other events, they make constant excuses about not attending. They scoff at anything that we do for our children and think that we over indulge them and their body language indicates that they are upset and jealous. My children don't even call her grandma, they refer to her as my grandma. My mom refuses to let me be a part of her life. I finally tried to visit about this one day with her. She got very upset and angry and asked who I was trying to have her be like. Over time, I have mourned the loss of my parents, they are nothing like I remembered them being, when I was a child. They were nurturing etc. The parents that I knew as a child, no longer exist. I feel very bad about my relationship. There are days I really need my mom, and her love and support. But I can't call her, she no longer exists. The trust has been broken in so many ways. I really don't see this ever being mended, because of the trust issue. Her love for me is so conditional, and based on how it makes her look, and it always, has been. I am not as pretty and popular and talented in ways that my sisters are that she feels brings her outward acclaim, from others. I have achieved so much more than these two though, in so many other ways. I will not let anyone take this away from me, especially my family and my parents. There is so much more, but this is my story in a small nutshell and yes the nuts don't fall far from the family tree (I still try to keep a sense of humor)! You have to or you'd be a nut too!
August 31, 2010
lostgirlsmom
It makes sense to me!
When our daughter started to ignore the family, our son started kidding around telling me, "Remember, Mom, I'm the good one." It was cute and funny until it sunk in that he was the ONLY one. He's been so loving and seems to go out of his way to "be the good one". He's also says that "It can't be you guys, 'cause look how good I turned out". I worry that he will feel too much pressure to be the good one, that he will be exhausted, so I try to give him LOTS of space. I think I go out of my way to go easy on him- probably too easy- so I don't lose him, too. But really, we have enjoyed our son so much.
My sister and brother and I have always shared the burden of being there for our parents, each of us taking turns listening and "being the good one". I wish our son had the sister he deserves. He once commented longingly about how nice his roommate's older sibling had treated his roommate, and how he wished his big sister cared.
Any way you look at this, it SUCKS! How can she not care about the way she has hurt us all?
August 31, 2010
shamysmom
Post edited 1:58 am – September 1, 2010 by shamysmom
I was just wondering if there's anyone out there who feels as though their relationship with other children is stronger because of this estrangement with one of them. I know some of you only have one child. My heart goes out to you many times over and I pray for you every single day. I also know that some of you have children who are estranged along with another sibling. I feel the same sorrow for what you are going through. How tragic and senseless is this.
I know some of you have more than one child who has estranged you but there are still other siblings. Do you feel like your relationships with others are stronger because of this, if for no other reason, we are putting that much more energy into those who are respectful and loving, after going through this with an adult child?
I can't help feeling that the relationship I have with my other children is so much stronger, more respectful, appreciated by all of us, and immortal because of what their sister has done. I believe in the balances in life and I honestly believe that this is no exception. All of us will find good in this down the line, our lives will balance out some way. The cruelty of this and the drama of our children will one day make sense to us.
I know that I love my estrange child as much as ever and that this love is unconditional. However, being blocked from investing in our relationship, just makes it less upfront than what is there for the others who allow me in every single day.
Does that make sense?