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Sharon said:

I got a response to my Valentine's letter modeled according to Dr. C's recommnedations for both making amends, expressing love, trying to deflect her potential feelings of guilt, and trying to keep the door open for future when you feel you are coming to acceptance of the status quo. I am trying to simply be grateful for the response and still keep some hope alive for the future, but since it was nothing but critical of me, I have regressed emotionally. I know that she considers tears and emotionality on my part as manipulative ploys, and I resorted to the written word because I cannot avoid some tears in verbal discourse over this–even after two years.
As a quick paraphrased synopsis of her response, I was told that– my words are meaningless, superficial and insincere to her, I am pushing her and trying to manipulate her as usual, that I don't understand and haven't assumed enough responsibility for how my use of "guilt, shame, and obligation to get her to do what I wanted over the years" has impacted her. I have read and reread my letter (which I had, actually, had others review and advise me on) and other things I wrote her within the past year before I backed off on the contacts per Dr. C's book advice, and don't know how she can come away with those perceptions. I truly feel at times like the daughter I knew who was always compassionate, caring, and sensitive has been hijacked. Not sure where to go from here except away.

Sharon,
Trying to contact these grown up children is a game of Russian Roulette at best. Some stories give hope that a right letter or card or "gift" at the right time breaks a little of the ice. More times than not, the result is more vicious attacking of the parent who is already beaten down to the ground and is "desperate" in sending the olive branch in the first place. Or, the whole gesture is completely ignored and there is the continued silence, the no response at all.

I am of the opinion that it destroys a little more of the parent everytime an overture is performed and either of the negative results above occur. That's just my thoughts on it.

I got a response to my Valentine's letter modeled according to Dr. C's recommnedations for both making amends, expressing love, trying to deflect her potential feelings of guilt, and trying to keep the door open for future when you feel you are coming to acceptance of the status quo. I am trying to simply be grateful for the response and still keep some hope alive for the future, but since it was nothing but critical of me, I have regressed emotionally. I know that she considers tears and emotionality on my part as manipulative ploys, and I resorted to the written word because I cannot avoid some tears in verbal discourse over this–even after two years.
As a quick paraphrased synopsis of her response, I was told that– my words are meaningless, superficial and insincere to her, I am pushing her and trying to manipulate her as usual, that I don't understand and haven't assumed enough responsibility for how my use of "guilt, shame, and obligation to get her to do what I wanted over the years" has impacted her. I have read and reread my letter (which I had, actually, had others review and advise me on) and other things I wrote her within the past year before I backed off on the contacts per Dr. C's book advice, and don't know how she can come away with those perceptions. I truly feel at times like the daughter I knew who was always compassionate, caring, and sensitive has been hijacked. Not sure where to go from here except away.

Sharon said:

As with you, nearly all her criticism was directed at me; I don't think she really wants to lose her connection to her father, particularly because she has 3 sons who worship him. I have tried to follow Dr. C's advice on continuing to reach out, but limiting it to holidays since she is in the older age category. He recommends giving them a long time, but I finally had to send an "I accept your not wanting a relationship; the door is always open, and I will always love you" letter patterned after the one in his book on Valentine's Day just because I have to move on with life. I have received no response, and my coping skilss vary with the day. I just feel now, like I have truly done everything I can, and have to simply put her in God's hands and pray that something or someone will help open her heart. What else can I do?

Judith said:

Margaret:

Our 27 year old daughter accused my husband and me of a lifetime of abuse. Stupid us–we thought we had a happy family! After speaking with HER Child Psychologists, as much as they could divulge with HIPPA laws in place, she had never complained of one single episode of abuse (physical or emotional) other than when my husband gave her a well deserved "parenting" smack when she was 14.

Now, my husband and I are in therapy trying to cope with the restraining orders that our daughter sent out way, the humiliation, the hurt that she has inflicted on our entire family and the hateful things that she says and does to me (especially, me).

The therapy is not helping me "cope", so I need to ask you, how did you get to "that place" where at least you have civil visits around the holidays?

AND, Do you expect things to improve, where "civil" turns to something better?


I retired two years ago at age 59, on top of the world, happy that my 34 y/o daugher (married with 3 wonderful sons) and 31 y/o cognitively disabled son (happily settled in an adult family home setting) were happy and well set, and thinking life was great. After having had what I thought was a close relationship, out of the blue my daughter suddenly stopped talkiing to me and started treating me like I was just some inconvenience in her life. When I confronted her about it I got a tongue lashing of accusations and descriptors I didn’t even know the meaning of (what the heck was emotional blackmail!!), and an itemization of every parenting misstep I made since she was 5 years old. In my completely, shell-shocked state, I reacted defensively, and in all the wrong ways, and now two years later, even after counseling with her, and independently for myself, things are civil, at best, on our holiday only encounters. Our whole family has been devastated by this. I never claimed to be the perfect parent and have confessed and apologized for my real mistakes as well as those I didn’t even know about. Nevertheless, there are people(including some of her own friends) who would have given their right arms to have had the life, opportunities, and, yes, even the parenting, she had. I’ve been to more counselors, and read more books (some good like Chapman’s 5 Love Languages, and some that shouldn’t have been published, like Secunda’s When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends) than I care to think about. When Parent Hurts has truly been my salvation. Realizing I still have work to do, I know I am in a far better place today than I was last year at this time because of it. I carry it with me like a “Bible”, read passages before I go to sleep at night, and just wish there was more of it.