GOODNIGHT MY ANGEL
"Okay, now make him look sad," I said.
Kendra contorted the stuffed animal's face to the appropriate expression, and then whimpered a little for added effect. This made me laugh.
It was bedtime. I was tucking my daughter in. We were lying side-by-side, our heads sharing the same pillow.
My wife and I had not yet fully separated. I was still spending my evenings at our home, but I was sleeping at a little apartment I had rented. There were no lawyers yet. We were considering counseling. But soon the violent episode between Andrew and his mother would take place, and the days of utter chaos would begin.
"Okay, just one more and then I have to go… now I want you to make him look surprised." Kendra raised the animal's paws up in the air, perked up his ears, and then spastically shook his whole body back and forth. I laughed again.
"That was perfect! Okay, now it's time for you to go to bed."
"But you have to stay in my room until I fall asleep."
"No cutie, I'm sorry. I can't do that. I have to go."
"But then I won't be able to sleep."
"I'm sorry honey, but it's time for me to go." I started heading out. I didn't want her to see me getting choked up.
"I love you Dad," Kendra said softly as I left her room. "I love you too Kendra," I replied.
As I walked down the hall I passed the master bedroom. The door was partially open, and I could see the dim shadows cast by my wife's reading lamp. I'm sure she was listening to everything.
"I love you Dad," Kendra said loudly as I headed down the steps. "I love you too Kendra. I'll see you tomorrow night." Had I only known the storm that was coming, I would have savored her words even more. After that night I would not hear them again.
I opened the front door. "I love you Dad!" Kendra shouted to me one last time. "Goodnight Kendra! I love you very much! Go to sleep now, okay?"
I stepped out into the cold and closed the door behind me.
The problem with Parental Alienation is not that it causes the pain of a divorce. Obviously the pain is already there. It's inherent. The problem with Parental Alienation is how that pain is then used as a weapon. Parental Alienation infects the wounds of a divorce and it causes them to fester. It interrupts the natural healing process. It leaves ugly scars, and the scars it leaves last for a lifetime.
It is terrible what you went though. The video is powerful in showing the pathology. Nice job. I bet she denied it was her!
I have a friend who is going through something similar. His ex contested the divorce and used the kids as hostages to get him to stop the divorce. He is American living in Italy and the Italian courts eventually took custody away fom his ex after she was deemed psychologically unstable by the court appointed psychologist and determined to be a risk to the mental health of the children. Unfortunately she was give 6 days a month unsupervised visitation. When she had all four together she abducted them from Italy to Russia, violating a court decree. She is a criminal in Italy.
Once she got to Russia she abandoned the children into orphanages/institutions for five months until he found them. Then she moved them, again and again. They have been shuffled from multiple apartments and have changed schools four or five times in the year and a half since the abduction.
She has gone out to Russian newspapers claiming violence as her reason for kidnapping the children and for refusing to let the father see them. The Russian courts have just found her guilty of defamation for these false accusations. This is good news, but she is brainwashing the children to believe the false accusations. She tells them their father doesn't want them. She eliminated their email and Facebook accounts so he can't contact them, then says your father doesn't look for you.
It must be mental illness for a mother to harm her children so, just to get back at the father.
Thanks for the comments. Yes, telling my story is cathartic. In addition, my hope is to have something good come out of my terrible situation. I hope others will read my story and learn from my mistakes.
That video was awfully good in demonstating how someone with BPD acts when they are "in a mood".
Your website/story contains the all too common, and similiar, painful events and outcomes of a family under the influences of PA. There are other, more manipulative and less covert, methods that the perpetrator can cause the same effect on the vicitms. I wish examples of that were known as well, and I am beginning to think making a website may be cathartic form of self-healing. Did you find that to be true?
With the insight you have into the condition, and continuted openness and patience, when your children are in their teens (or adulthood) they will really want you in their lives. They will need you then unlike you can imagine now and they will see who the real parent is. That's when the real healing can begin. Stay the course, my friend.
I thought the page with tips was especially important.
This is a sick, sick woman. And to relate to "religion" with this kind of language and outburst only makes her more ill. I cannot believe any court in the land would allow this degree of disturbed person to have custody.
Shame on the courts…………they committed child abuse.
My heart goes out to you.
Yeah, Kika, I agree. I do my best to set boundaries, while at the same time I try to keep a pretty thick skin so as not to overreact. Where to draw the line is a daily challenge for me.
Just so we are clear I do not condone that negative behavior male or female
I also refuse to accept that kind of behavior from young adults male or female
I made the decision this year that if my daughter does not return to me and the entire family without love,compassion and forgiveness
and if she even exhibits any hint of negative behavior then my choice is to let her go.
There has been some healing, at least with my two younger children, thanks to the help of a good counselor. Kika refers to "the wife/ Mother's frustrations whereby she resorts to a verbal assault." And Kika expresses skepticism that that alone would cause parental alienation. I think she is right to a certain extent. Screaming swear words at your spouse in and of itself probably would not cause it. There is a whole lot more to the psychology behind it, with borderline personality traits often playing a key role. Alienating parents are psychologically unable to "share" the affections of their children with the now-completely-vilified ex-spouse. It is this black-and-white thinking, combined with the emotional volatility, and manipulative techniques with the children that can result in a loving relationship being destroyed. Kika is right to suggest I'm not a perfect parent. But the bottom line is that I'm at least as good a father to my children now as I have always been. Previously I enjoyed a close, loving relationship with all three of my children. Those relationships were destroyed through the brainwashing techniques of my ex.
But getting back to Kika's statement wherein she suggests my ex's verbal assaults (and physical assaults, as indicated in the video), are brought about by her frustrations with me, I would ask her to imagine the gender roles reversed. If the audio were of a man screaming at his wife, using the most coarse and denigrating language, and then repeatedly punching his wife, would you excuse that man's behavior? Would you say he's just acting out the frustrations caused by his wife? God, I hope not.
These are young children that sat in the sidelines and listened to the verbal fighting of their parents. The dad knew it was being taped. Heard this audio before and it still is very sad to hear. It is what she told the children after the words were spoken to the husband that is so very wrong and my thoughts are those were very pathological in destroying relationships between parent and child that last a lifetime. She took them away, far away and the courts allowed it. Divorce should always have 50/50 custody. Showing this kind of disrespect to each other and allowing the children to be disrespectful to a parent, may very well be the precursor to adult alienation. However, as is the case for many on this forum, that was not the case. It may hurt even worse as when you do not know the reasons for alienation from your adult child it consumes you to try and find it. How old are these kids now? How much time do you get with them? Are you healing ?
Are you implying that it's because of the wife/ Mother's frustrations whereby she resorts to a verbal assault that causes parental alienation ?
So.. The husband and child have in no way contaminated or contributed to the ailientation.. Is that what you are implying?
Here is a powerful video on spousal abuse and Parental Alienation. I hope it helps others in a similar situation.
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