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Nettie/rj,

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. Hopefully, there can be more sharing and helping each other. Hopefully, through prayer there will be answers, and good outcomes.

You know, it seems that just as you feel that you are finished with raising your kids, there is one more thing that keeps you in the parent role. I guess that once a parent…always a parent. And it doesn't get easier, just more complicated.

As RJ has repeated, WE were there at the beginning! and for us, I can safely say very conscientiously and thoughtfully for those first 19 years.

Due to our sons behavior, we were forced to take a hard look at ourselves as parents and our family. We were involved in a counseling and group sessions at his new school (which did take us away for a few days each time from our daughter. But she stayed with loving extended family and we did not abandon her just for sake of our son.)

We did learn that parents must stay strong and never give up on their children. However children, especially "adult" children, will make different choices than we might and they must learn from these mistakes.

I personally feel that as parents, we may "hover" like helicopters over these kids most of their lives then …it is time to release them and they are puzzled by all the choices they need to make. 18 years old seems to be the legal age (and boy do they hang onto that one!) but really not until you have a few bumps and grinds in life, you are not really an "adult".

I recall growing up, with very little fear expressed by my parents to watch our for molesters of children or drugs. And they would let me ride my bike for hours on end to the "ends of the earth"…as long as I got back in time for supper. That was also time before cellphones…when a 25 cents could get you a phone call home at a pay phone.

Nowadays we parent with 'leashes' and are at every soccer game, ballet lesson, gymnastic lesson, awards ceremony, make sure each of their school projects is tip-top so that they(we) won't experience the disappointments of life with them.

Well, its my time now to pray. I feel that, analogous to my Lord's unconditional love for me…I sometimes (too often) reject His love at times for my sinning instead…just as we must pray to our God, we must communicate with our child. Even if it seems one -sided. I believe those letters and well as prayers are heard. It takes patience as a parent. We can not assume that all 50 years (or 60yrs if we are lucky) of watching our kids live is going to be perfect.

I will keep praying and my wife and I will keep writing my daughter messages of love. . I must practice patience. Patience. I can not force her to communicate with us. Pray and write. Pray and write……

GeofW
Hi Geof My teenage daughter did exactly that stormed off from me in a restaurant , never turned upfor my 50th birthday etc she was 16 when she left us and all what you have written reminds me of what my daughter was like with us so many similarities too many to mention. I tried desperately to keep in contact with her I always tried to be positive and upbeat just like RJ has told you to me (RJ always gives good advice) Unfortunately like you we had all her education hopes dashed when she left school as well . She went from an A grade student , great baleet dancer and ice skater to leaving school getting tatoos , piercings and finally pregnant . She has returned to contacted us 6 weeks ago 1 week before she had her baby( the baby came 4 weeks early) It has needless to say been hectic since but what I did learn from her and this may help you so thats why I write it is that she blocked a lot of what happened and what she did to us from her mind because it was too painful and she thought she was right she now knows she wasn't I asked her was there anything that I did that helped and she said all your txts telling me you still loved me ,sometimes I only sent a kiss that was all. but the turning point was she was was giving me a telling off yet again about something and I just paused and when she finished I asked was there anything else she'd like to tell me off about before I go and it stunned her and things started to change I always tried to remain friendly and upbeat even when she was nasty . It didn't always work sometimes I cried and pleaded with questions as to why she was doing all this. It did help backing off and not discussing the past and when reunited just said at some point we will need to talk and we have on occasions and it has helped . Having the baby has certainly made her grow up quickly not that this what you would want for your daughter but hang on in there the fact that she is keeping in contact with other family members is good my daughter kept in contact with her step brother and granny. We never discussed her with her granny and all her brother would say is family is important dont throw it away and he only said it once so . My daughter said your daughter will keep in contact with family members to hear about you even though she will never admit it so take heart keep in contact always be loving and strong I found that always being nice and upbeat helped because they couldnt argue with anything so avoid trying to get answers they will come later much later however frustrating it is for you at this time. As RJ says you have age on your side she is young our daughter was estranged for 18 months lived with 2 families one of them her boyfriends . It was our hardest 18 months of our lives I cried every single day . take heart use this forum it is the best thing and got me through on the darkest days knowing I wasn't on my own

We have gone over this situation over and over again. We have relived the "last supper" in which she walked off. Perhaps we could have handled that particular situation differently. Yes. It was two against one but there was some constructive discussion…otherwise we would have sat at the table with our daughter and just talked about the weather for an hour! (The big 800 pound gorilla sitting amongst us for the entire trip up to then. )

In fact, just a couple months before, by a telephone conversation, my daughter had challenged my wife to reflect on aspects of her (my wife's own behavior). In fact, my wife followed through and reviewing those reflections with her at the dinner table was where the topic was going…when she just…dramatically…walked off and basically did not want to have an adult conversation. It was just as if she slammed the phone on my wife (as she had time and time before)…except it probably felt better to her to see our faces as she walked off into the distance, never to speak to us since.

Did it start and end here?? I doubt it, but unfortunately we were distracted by her brother, who a few years earlier, was living under the influence of drugs and going through his own rebellion. He was sent away for a few years to a military school but made good with his life. We remained intensely involved with his problem and involved in a prescribed program. (In retrospect, this probably usurped a great deal of time away from our daughter. But it was necessary to save his life)

Realizing this at some point, we involved her in a related camp for siblings and counseling with her involved as part of the re-indoctrination of our family.

Unfortunately, during this time, she was bullied at school by her girlfriends (about her brother) and then eventually, there were suicide threats about broken relationships with girl and boyfriends. As her parents, we helped her walk through these things with compassion and she was given the appropriate professional help.

Eventually, she was able to graduate from HS and we gave her opportunity to live on her own aided by out funding her needs for a defined period of time…until she could either support herself with a job at age 18 or to go to school. (Going to college gave her opportunity to educate herself and we would fully support that without financial problem)…but alas, she threw that away and even blew off the one semester of support we awarded her by not showing back to classes after spring break! Tuition was lost…but what was more offensive was the response of this carelessness with, "oops, my bad!"

The effort that we had expended to help her to be independent and confident in one way or another was enormous…with travel back and forth to her current location of residence. After several months of this preparation after graduation and several moves from one apartment to another we began to gradually tapering our support over a 10-12 month period…and finally with false promises to re-enroll in classes (as a tactic to hold onto some monetary support)…we told her that we would not push her into advanced schooling (and in fact, she could reintroduce that topic at any time- but it would not be the focus of our conversations henceforth). With her claim that she was not interested in school we advised that she find her way in the "real world", since that is what she was choosing to do, without further advance education or trade school training. She could at any time reconsider this but advised her that it would be more difficult if she was to get married to become a mother, before accomplishing these things.

So, in a "nut shell", those are some of the obvious things that led to our separation.

My wife and I are dealing with our 19 y/o daughter that has decided to connect with just about everyone of her extended family (uncles and aunts and grandmother) but refuses to return calls from us. She is our second child. We have maintained an intact family and have an intact marriage of over 25 years. This situation is very frustrating. I am sad, angry, embarrased, and feel guilty for no egregious mistake, that I or we have made as parents to her.

We raised her by example in a household that valued hard-work and education. She has not embraced the education part of our value system. She has not gone on to college after graduation in May 2010.

In December of this year, she did not call my wife on her birthday. She did not call us on Christmas. (but she did connect with her brother and her uncles and aunts and grandmother for Thanksgiving and Christmas)

Our last conversation with her was in August when we were visiting her where she now lives. What had hoped to be an open discussion about what was bothering her between her mother, ended in a contentious discussion that resulted in her refusal to discuss the topic any further and she walked away from the restaurant table and paid for the meals and despite our pleading for her to come back…she just literally…walked out of our lives.

We did not realize that her avoidance of the topic was probably an indication that she was feeling too much pain to discuss it, but it had hints of a controlling mother when she was 9 years old. Something about a 9 year old boy that we discouraged her to spend so much time with.

It seemed ridiculous to have to discuss this "aged" topic. But now I realize that it must have been the "initial prick that started hurting her as the nail was subseqently driven-in by seemingly insignificant later events". She must be in some degree of pain to have held onto this idea for so long (10 years).

She is no longer on our "dole" as we have agreed to support her while studying in college or while seeking a degree, but she sees no value in that concept and simply wishes to seek a "simple life"as she puts it.

As you can see we have raised a child that is quite different from us. We do not know how to approach her.

We have so many "good" memories to dwell on over the past 19 years as a family with her brother.

These 5 months have been torture for us. We feel helpless. We pray and talk about our situation together. We feel desperate.

We were given advise by our pastor to simply give her space and write her on her BD and at Holidays with loving words. But Dr. Coleman's advise says otherwise. I am afraid that we have lost time. I do not know what to say at this point!!

Help!