TELESEMINAR SERIES FOR COUPLES AND PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN AND TEENS
TELESEMINARS FOR ESTRANGED PARENTS
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12:02 pm
I had a father who was very selfish and spent little time with his 3 children. He like to be around his friends. My Mom who was a kind and gentle person really raised us, but she was afraid of my Dad. I married a wonderful man and we are going to celebrate 50 years soon. We have a duaghter we don't speak to. Long story short. . she embezelled money from my Father just before he died and left my Mom penniless..then she died. Sad story but she was always a kind of two faced sneaky person who I can honestly say I never really knew her. She caused us so so many problems growing up.. ran away so many times and was arrested many times as well. We always stuck by her through the school stuff and police stuff but once we went to Tough Love and they said to let her fall f lat on her face but I thought they were wrong and never went back. Big mistake. Anyway, when I stopped 'helping her', money and other such things..and after what she did to my Mom she didn't need me anymore and its been 8 years and we do not speak. It doesn't even bother me. I felt like a big weight lifted off of me. It was constant every day with her one thing after another. She had 3 abortions and that bothers me. She sold drugs out of my house. But, I love her but for my own protection can not have anthing to do with her. I have two grandchildren I never see and I think she thinks I may tell them how bad she was which I wold never do.
Now my son 48 is sort of doing the same to me. Calls me and dumps all his problems on me. He os obsessive/compulsive and believe me he is hard to deal with. He doesn't care about his Dad or me. He only calls to tell me his problems and I get frustrated and wind up loosing it and yelling at him. He is self centered (like my Dad was) also spoiled by his wife who caters to his every whim. He has two children who he ignores and it hurts me. I tell him he is like the guy in the song "the cat in the cradel". Deep in the back onf my mind I blame myself because I grew up with nothing and did spoil both of my children..but they are adults and sometimes I think..they never grew up and relaized we are getting on in years and its not all about them anymore. We used to be very close at one time. He is quite bright but lazy. His attitude is we should help him out. His wife did not speak to her parents for 7 years and I guess we may be going down the same road. Then again she didn't speak to her Mom for all these reasons that seem childish to me. . for a couple of years. I instigated a sort of Christmas get together so that sort of patched things up for her and her Mom (Her Dad passed away years ago). So, its up and down weith me and my son. My husband feels as I do but doesn't bother to say anything because he says .. well, he will never change so whats the use. I want respect and to have him treat me like I treated my parents. I took care of both my parents in their later years and am so glad I did. I have tried to tell him we won't be here forever but he says he loves us but its another thing showing it. We don't live far and they never come to visit..they are invited.. never ask us over either. They have a teenager and that is taking up a lot of time but we both feel forgotten and un appreciated.
1:41 pm
Dear Bellfl, You are trying to understand and make sense out of craziness – you will only hurt yourself more by keeping in touch with your son and daughter in law. (I've been there – trying to deal with a lying alcoholic ex and a daughter who has taken on his negative personality traits.)
Believe me, THEY are the ones with the problem, NOT YOU. They twist the facts, in order to make themselves look wonderful, but in your heart you know you don't deserve this treatment, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Let them say whatever they want – hold your head high – you can't worry or control what others say or what others think. I learned this, and it has helped me stay positive. Your son's girlfriend makes fun of your car – don't give it a second thought – she's isn't worth worrying about.
You must be strong and cut all contact with them. They are very abusive. You deserve to be treated with respect.
8:40 am
Patti said:
8:38 am
There is something Dr. Coleman said in a video cast that I can not forget.
I was born in 1947, I was raised in a authoritative home, my parents said children should be seen and not heard, or I will give you something to cry about, I was fearful of my parents. Today households are a democracy, we have help programs on TV 24 7, we have to constantly reward children for doing anything, lives now revolve around the children.
My age was the transition between the two and I certainly can not understand it. Maybe the pendulum will swing back to the center? My children can not understand me any more than I can understand them.
8:09 am
Helen Marie, words of wisdom in your post. I am struggling to get there but working on it. The one thing that keeps going through my mind is the question: How could my son do this to me? WHAT on earth is happening in his head??? I do not deserve this level of punishment for my crimes. Also, I have asked that we have mother/son counselling (he is my only child) and he has refused. I believe it is because he won't have to face his wrongdoings as long as he doesn't participate. Do these adult children EVER realize we are not going to be around forever – do they care? My parents were not perfect by any stretch, but I used to worry about that. Now they are both gone and I don't have the opportunity of trying to work out differences. However, I NEVER would have turned against my own parents and never did regardless of their faults or things they didn't say correctly. Yes, that is why I am being cut off….there is absolutely nothing I can say to my son that what he doesn't turn and get mad at me for saying. This, and the fact I really don't want to spend my limited Christmas visit each year with his partner's mother and family. This past Christmas I spoke up and did what I wanted to do for the first time! I cancelled my trip and stayed home to enjoy my house and my friends and most of all my pets! My son has always expressed anger towards me for not making a life, not bringing happiness to myself and when I made the decision and did, I am now cut off. Since that time, there is nothing I can say to his level of impossible satisfaction. Now looking back, I realize that I have been repeatedly attacking for not saying or doing something that he likes! I am terrified of the rest of my life without him, but as I decided at Christmas, I will not be verbally and emotionally abused by my own son and his very insensitive partner who has said things over and over in the past 7 – 8 years that have hurt my feelings and I kept quiet to keep the peace. My son said it is up to me to work that issue with his partner – be the bigger person he told me! I won't do this because in my view, and my friends' views who have been around my son and his partner, it is their way or the highway….well, I guess I have been shoved down the highway because they have no clue the hurts they have caused me. When I tried to tell my son this, he said I was being narcissistic. My therapist thinks he has this COMPLETELY reversed after seeing a few of his emails. I don't know how to keep my spirit uplifted everyday – I think of this constantly and don't even sleep well now. How on earth does any parent (who doesn't deserve to be treated like this) ever accept the loss of a child? I start second guessing myself and forget that he has contributed greatly to my unhappiness through the years…..I have been abused. Several of my past counselors has also said, in addition to my current one, that he is extremely abusive and I need to stop allowing it. The thing that is hurtful is his demonstrative firing back that EVERYTHING is ME! All me, I don't say something right, or make the right decision, or whatever…he ALWAYS puts it back on me. When I said that he never admits what he does to hurt me, he flatly denies it or that it is his fault at all. I have no idea whether to believe that I am now protected against his wrath or whether I should be totally devastated that he is behaving like this….I am pulled in both directions all at the same time. Thanks for sharing your experiences and thoughts, I think they are very helpful to parents on this site.
Helen Marie said:
10:26 pm
You make very salient points.
It hurts. But you can't make anyone love you.
Not parents, nor children, not anyone.
I think when you are a bit older, and feel that your children don't love you it is almost surprising.
You thought you tried to be better for them than the bad stuff that happened to you. You knew you were flawed. But you kind of thought you were doing a better job than your parents had done for you.
Dismaying to find out that maybe you didn't succeed.
Maybe it was equally dismaying to our parents back in the day. Maybe they thought they were doing a better job for us than what they had.
Perhaps at some point a long time ago they felt the way we do now. They felt under appreciated and misunderstood.
For me it makes me, now in my 50's, more understanding of them than I have ever been in the past.
Getting older is not making me understand younger people better. Obversely it is actually making me understand my parents, now long dead, better. Or at least with more compassion.
Maybe we are clueless on how to deal with our kids, but in retrospect we are burying our own demons about our own experiences with our own birth families.
Maybe we should have cut them more slack back in the day. The same slack we would so very much want to have now.
The saying goes, "What goes around comes around".
But who ever really thought it would?
I thought I was a better parent than my parents were. But it looks like I was just another person. A person that made all the mistakes all persons do.
1:39 pm
Dear DaisyG,
You said, "My children don't love me or respect me". Unfortunately, you didn't go into more detail, so we could offer you more support; however, may I suggest that you love yourself and respect yourself – no matter what they do or say. Don't give anyone that much control over you. I learned that in a support group for abused women, and it helped me deal with my adult daughter's negative, abusive remarks. Remind yourself of all your positive traits, and try to think happy thoughts each day. Don't worry about tomorrow – concentrate on today and do something that makes you happy.
3:25 pm
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