Forum

Hi Carolyn

I would love to be in touch. If Dr. Coleman can somehow do this for us, great! Please let me know! I don't want to put it on this forum….take care!

Hi Carolyn,

I would like to keep in touch off-line. Are you open to this? If so, not sure how to get my email address to you….I am not comfortable staying on this site right now….tell you why later. Let me know and I will think about how to get my contact info to you. I really want to chat about your situation. My son Is contacting me again….about once a day. Issues are not resolved – I have not spoken with him, only email. But he is being kind and supportive to some things going on in my life. We have agreed to get through some things we are dealing with In our lives, be kind and then we will figure out how to resolve issues between us. I don't want to do or say anything to disrupt this "new" direction.

Please let me know about being in touch! I am sending good thoughts for you!

Hi Patti, I read your post yesterday but did not have time to respond. Now it is not on the forum. I did want to say how happy I am that you did hear from your son on New Years. The fact that he signed it with a X and O shows that he does care so I feel things will work out for you. It is good that you let out your feelings on this forum rather than to your son since they do not want to hear it. Some anger is good since it shows that we do not deserve what is happening. I do want to say that any "words of wisdom" I have I must attribute to what I learned in the seminars of Dr. Coleman. I took both series last year and it was a godsend for me. I learned how to deal with the estrangement in a more positive and productive manner. It also helped me realize that it wasn't all my fault. Yes, I may have overreacted at times and sometimes said things I shouldn't have, but I always apologized and never held a grudge or turned my back on my children when they hurt me. I realize that they have their issues that they need to deal with and that it is out of my control. I have been giving my one daughter her space for the last six month as she requested which has been very difficult. I did text her on New Year's day wishing for a year of peace and harmony and she did text me back wishing me a Happy New Year. So even though it is a little morsel it gives me hope. At least she is responding. I may now try to email her in a couple of weeks just to see how everything is going and whether she is ready to start talking again. I hope you are doing well and wish you the best is dealing with your son.

Hi Patti, Thank you for your kind words. It makes me feel good that I can be of help to you. That is what is so great about this forum that even though our situations are all different we are all suffering and by talking to others who understand we can encourage each other to keep going. Please do not blame yourself about cancelling your trip. You did what you did because it is what you thought best at the time. You also apologized so you did what was right. We all wish we could do things over; that is just life. No one is perfect. Sometimes, I think our children think we should be perfect. What you need now is to have self-compassion and forgiveness for yourself and for your son. If your son does not contact you, it is not your fault. Sounds to me like he is being controlled by his partner by the comment you made about having to be with his mother on Christmas because that is always what they do. It could be that your son is not able to negotiate with his partner to what he would like. Just a thought. I could be wrong. It may help you to read another book recommended by Dr. Coleman, Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD. It is very encouraging and helpful in getting out of the cycle of "beating ourselves up." As mothers we are always the ones who are at the receiving end of whatever our children want to throw our way. It is because we love them no matter what. But when it comes to disrespect and verbal abuse that is when we need to stand up for ourselves and limit it by being lovingly assertive. I let that go on too long and now that I have taken a stand my girls are having a difficult time seeing me be strong. My estranged daughters are 43 and 41 and it is about time that they realize I am a person who has feelings. Some days are more difficult than others, especially holiday, birthdays but I have learned to keep my expectations low since the disappointment is too great to bear. I so want to text and email but when I do not get a response the pain starts all over again. I would love to have them back in my life but it would have to be with boundaries. For my own health and sanity I have learned to accept what is and continue to live my life giving to others and enjoying myself. They both know that I love them and if and when they are ready to come back I will be here for them. Be patient and most of all treat yourself well. You deserve it.

Hi Patti, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with and can feel your pain. I have been in a similar situation with my estranged daughter. My advice to you would be to just leave him alone for awhile. Since you already made your apology let him just be. I made the mistake of emailing too much and explaining too much. They just ignore it. After a month or so maybe try to text or email just to see how he is doing not bringing up the situation. Before my estrangement from my daughter she too was spending all her time with her husband's family and the only way I saw her or my grandchildren was to fly to their home. They visit the other grandparents three to four times a year. They also receive quite a bit of money from that family so you can see why they have to do whatever their family wants. I made the mistake of writing her my feelings and how it hurts me that they could not just at least come once in seven years to bring my grandchildren to see where I live and so I can show them off to my family. This daughter also could not come for my 60th birthday which was just a year after her father and my husband of 38 years died but she could go to her mother-in-laws birthday party a year earlier. She always has some kind of excuse. She even told us after she was married that they never would come to AZ because her husband doesn't like the heat. Now her excuse is that her husband is too tall for our beds or the mattress isn't good enough. You see what I mean. Excuses. Of course I am good enough when I give them money or a piano so they wouldn't have to spend $25,000 on one. I wasn't ready to give it up but felt it was foolish for them to buy one. All these problems started when she started dating and then married. Before we had a very close family with the normal ups and downs but always were there for each other. To make a long story short, she took my writing how I felt as being critical and toxic and that she can not have a two way relationship with me. In truth, it was her who can't have a two way relationship since everything has to be her way or the highway. It seems these AC take everything we say as controlling rather than just for face value that we love them and want to be around them. It is only normal for us to feel hurt when they give all their attention to the other family as though we are second class citizens. But they do not want to hear that. So if I could do it over, I would not have let her know my feelings and just go along with whatever they say. They want to be in control and do not want to be questioned. Obviously, they are having issues with others in their lives that they can not distinguish how to treat their parents with respect. I do know that her husband is controlling in their marriage and has his own issues with his family. In fact when I am there it is like walking on eggshells and all I hear from her is her problems. I would deal with it just so I could see my grandchildren who I had a loving and warm relationship with. They even told me they wish I wouldn't have to go home. She was not happy with their comment. I know it is difficult situation but you have to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for what happen. Do not continue to punish yourself. We are only human and do not deserve estrangement because of some misunderstanding. It is only a week for you and I pray that your son will cool off and contact you. If he does want to talk about the situation, it is best if you just emphatize with him and not be defensive. From Dr. Coleman's suggestion that will just push them further away. I found out too late and it is two years for me that I have not seen my grandchildren or have any contact except for a Christmas card and pictures from the boys and thank you notes for their gifts. Do not let his behavior or treatment of you define who you are. He is not in control of that. Spend your time around those that love you and remind yourself what a good mother and person you are. Wishing you and all of us on these forums peace and harmony for the New Year!