Get THE COLEMAN REPORT
FREE cutting edge advice and commentary on marriage, parenting, relationships, and society. Delivered by email every 2 weeks.
Recent Appearances
-
When Mom Earns More than Dad
NPR Talk of the Nation: How women’s increased economic and educational power are changing marriage.
-
On Point: Tom Ashbrook Interviews Dr. Coleman and NYU Sociologist Kathleen Gerson
NPR: Tom Ashbrook interviews Dr Coleman and Kathleen Gerson on “Women Bringing Home the Bacon”
-
PBS Life Part 2: Cut Off from the Grandkids
PBS Life Part 2: Boomer Grandparenting
-
NY Times: Working Women Say Their Marriage Is Richer For It
NY Times: Working Women Say Their Marriage Is Richer For It
-
NPR On Point with Tom Ashbrook
NPR On Point with Tom Ashbrook
-
When Mom Earns More than Dad
Forum
I finally felt that I could accept my daughter crossing me
February 6, 2010
Judith
Kathi:
We have gone through the same feelings, relative to our daughter's estrangement. She has hurt us deeply with scars that do not heal. She took away her emails, phone and moved so we could not find her. She put restraining orders on us to keep us away from her Harvard Graduation, her speaking at a Gifted Conference, and from "Boston" in general. This was mean and vindictive and obviously meant to hurt.
We did nothing to deserve this. We recently had a sad event that prompted me to contact her at a school where she was teaching. After providing us her two emails and two phone numbers, we tried to make contact over a period of several weeks–all of which went unanswered. I then left a message at her school and she called me back with an ugly voice, telling me I was worthless and would send another restraining order if I ever contacted her again. We do not know where this mean streak is coming from. Our Therapist has told us not to bother with her again. However, although my husband wants nothing to do with her because of the unbelievable hurt, pain and humiliation she brought onto this family, I cannot come to grips with never seeing our only child again. We lived for her, and being in our mid sixties, we are not well and will likely go to our graves without hearing her voice, seeing her face, or feeling her hug–the way it used to be before "who knows what" happened.
I am happy for those of you who have been able to find peace in your hearts and minds. For my own health, I will listen to our Therapist, but I can't imagine that my heart will ever heal.
February 4, 2010
JillB
Kathi…I too have “begged” my kids to remain in my life…. always being there for them in a crisis, calling and calling and CALLING, instantly forgiving (not say NOT forgive, but sometimes there are consequences to some behaviors and you can forgive while setting limits…like i told my daughter in an email “i love you. however if you ever hit me again you will be arrested”…… I will not apologize for things i have not done, or make dozens of phone calls (rarely answered) to try and stay connected. a relationship takes TWO…and it has been only ME trying to keep it together. I am hurting during these holidays but sense some peace too….I will acknowledge the hurt as nothing takes away the pain of a child who totally rejects you…but in the storm there is peace as I realize God has a plan in all of this.
February 4, 2010
Margaret
Kathi,
I did not believe that I could ever arrive at this place but I am here after three years of estrangement. It has been a year and a half since I have spoken to our daughter. I am at peace. In fact I am not sure how I arrived here. We went to a counselor a month ago and met three times. We were told not to contact our daughter any more. I needed to hear this. My husband and I have the tree up, the house is decorated and we are enjoying each other and family who are loving and kind. I realize that begging our daughter to be in our life was so demeaning!! Never again. I am praying for you and everyone on this blog. I am praying for continuation of peace in our lives.
February 4, 2010
Kathi
Well, the last time I wrote I finally felt that I could accept my daughter crossing me, her dad, her sister and my parents of her list and out of her life. I knew the true test Just to refresh my story quickly, she left a note on the table 5 1/2 years ago. Was embraced by her fathers side of the family and said God only knows what about but I all lies. Last year I was told she was engaged so I emailed her and wished her well etc. I told her that we would love to help her in anyway and that I had heard they were planning a Disney honeymoon. I told her we would love to be able to arrange for her to stay at their most deluxe resort. She did write back only to say no. Now what I am trying to wrap my head around is she is sending Xmas cards to close friends of mine (that she has never done before) and signing them from her and her fiance. Of course I am being told this and I want to cry and scream why doesn’t she send a card to her grandparents or her sister or me and her dad? I wish I could get into her head to know if she knows that she is intentionally hurting me and her fatehr more and more even though so much time has gone by. I have been told that she is also facebooking these people too. It is like she is trying to make sure that I am constantly reminded that she hates us. I am so tired of hurting and crying and thinking of her every single day. Please does anyone know if this hurt will ever stop? Will she ever grow up and welcome us back? What is she thinking and why is she doing this? Please don’t mention reaching out to her again etc. You can be sure in the past 5 years I have tried it all only to have her change her phone number, ignore me etc. It is only so hard to understand why she had completely estranged herself from all of us. This isn’t just a mother /daughter thing. My story is like so many others I have read in that we were always a close family, we did everything together, no divorce, no drinking, no problems. Just an ideal childhood with all the priviledges any kid could want. why, why, why? If I can only get through the next few weeks I know that in the new year I can get back on track. It is the holidays that make this so unbearable.