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How did it go so wrong?
September 25, 2014
12:56 am
Therese
Guest

Montana said
It is interesting to read these posts because it is clear in laws have in effect cut off their sons and dils. Once two people are married they are one unit. Adult children are supposed to differentiate themselves and individuate from their parents. Most of the MILposts here are focused on demonizing their child's spouse... Of course tour sins aren't coming back - you disrespected their choices and attacked their wives. Sheesh!!!

It's really not that simple.  In my case, I get along fine with my son's choices, they've actually thanked me for how I raised my sons.  It's my daughter who has estranged herself from both myself and her brothers.  

She was 20 and pregnant when she married, he was much more experienced as he was in the military and had been deployed a couple times.  He controls every dime, she doesn't work and after he left the army he bragged he would be making $250,000 a year in the logging industry.  He had her believing they would buy a big $500,000 house on 20 acres, but she found out when they applied for a mortgage on a $200,000 house that he has to have 2 years proof of income and that they're heavily in debt.  

I never openly criticized him but I told her she needs to get a handle on their financial situation because it's also her future.  He spends a lot of money on his gaming computer, his truck while she has had extremely few new clothes in 5 years.  She had great potential but with him, there seems no way she can launch a career or finish college.  She's completely dependent on him for everything and yes -- I don't think she's wise in allowing him to have total control while she has become little more than a servant to him.  

I never had a fight or argument with my daughter, nor do I want to have one.  We're estranged and maybe that's the way it will always be because he wants full control over her.  He is verbally abusive to her, I've witnessed him sending her sout to buy him beer because he can't get off the computer and make her bring him coffee and breakfast and lunch when he's doing a sun-up to sun-down warcraft session.  

They live in his dad's house with his dad's alcoholic gf who is also the sister of my son-in-law's mother, and her 19 year old unemployed son, and son-in-law's drug addict brother.  So no, I'm not too accepting of her choice.  

I'll probably cut her out of the will because she wouldn't control how any money is spent, I don't choose to work hard for him to blow her inheritance on his next gaming computer or get a lift for his truck or pay off a portion of his debt so he can spend more.  

At this point I'm angry with her for throwing her youth and talent away on what looks like a pretty dreadful lifestyle.  It's probably best we don't talk as there isn't much I can say sincerely that would be positive.

September 23, 2014
7:30 pm
Montana
Guest

It is interesting to read these posts because it is clear in laws have in effect cut off their sons and dils. Once two people are married they are one unit. Adult children are supposed to differentiate themselves and individuate from their parents. Most of the MILposts here are focused on demonizing their child's spouse... Of course tour sins aren't coming back - you disrespected their choices and attacked their wives. Sheesh!!!

January 21, 2013
8:21 am
Linney
Guest

Jenny.....It could have been me who wrote your reply. Its exactly how I feel. I am sorry that you and other posters are going through a similar event. I take comfort from all the positive words and want to thank you all for the kindness and support shown, it is very much appreciated.

January 21, 2013
8:06 am
Linney
Guest

Thank you to everyone who offered advice and kind words of sympathy. Dolly it is very easy to make a judgement when not given the full factsI I don't blame you for the conclusions you have come to and I can only assume that a similar life event has happened to you and if that the case you have my sympathy.

 

Megan showed some very odd personality traits for months (she had blamed her mother for certain events which took place. We later found out that it was in fact Megan who had caused problems and not her mother. this sent alarm bells to everyone in the family.

An example of this was when Stephen was admitted to hospital via A&E as an emergency admission. Megan failed to inform us of the seriouness of the situation, no call, no text, no personal message on facebook which she spends hours on, nothing at all. My son phoned a couple of days later to say he had been released from hospital, he had been too poorly to contact us and I guess he assumed Megan had told us he was in hospital.

 

Another incident was when my eldest son was getting married, Stephen announced that he could not afford a new suit and that he was going to wear Megan's fathers 20 year old wool suit. The whole family (mum, dad and brothers) put money in and purchased a new suit for Stephen, new shirt and tie, we did not mind doing this as we felt he would be more comfortable. Stephen was very pleased with the suit. I said to him at the time of giving the outfit, that if he did not like the suit that was fine, we would not be offended and we could return it, it was no problem. He said he loved it. At the time we noticed Megan looked unhappy but could not understand why. We later found out that she was telling everyone that Stephen was going to wear her fathers suit to the wedding.

 

On the day of the wedding (my son got married abroad) Stephen was wearing an old suit, shirt, tie etc. He didn't understand how the suit he was wearing (which he did not recognise) had been packed away as he was 100% sure that he had packed the new suit in the case, he looked very embarassed. We believe that the suit he ended up wearing was Megan's father's suit, and that Megan had switched the suits over.

 

This demonstrates only a couple of incidents, there are many more. It seems to me that we right to raise our concerns and do not regret doing this, although we regret the outcome. She has made him choose her over his family not us. Yes he is an adult, but what is it that they say about love being blind.

December 21, 2012
7:07 am
Dollywiththewholeinh
Guest

The poster discussing personality disorders brought an interesting topic into the mix. Yes they are real and some dils and mils have true narcissistic or borderline etc personalities. But many do not. Did this dil gave issues before? It seems unlikely one day this disorder popped up which coincided with her son transitioning from child to an adult. More then likely and I can't be sure but when things got serious between the future dil and the posters son, the poster had an idea of how things should be. Well real life didn't measure up. Her son was pulling away because he was an adult and in love. He wanted to make his own choices with his bride to be the poster would have been wise to step back and let her son take over the reigns of his own life and choices about how he spent his time and lived his life. But she pushed and gossiped and scapegoated her future dil and insulted her son by acting like he was his fiancée s spineless puppet. She drew a line in the sand by critizing his bride to be whome he loves and wants to start a new life with. He is grain key him make his choices whether they are the ones you would make or not. He had the right to live his life. I believe you can save this relationship but you must stop the blame game and negativity and look inward at your actions.

December 19, 2012
9:01 pm
Jenny
Guest

Reading your story was like reading my own. I too have lost a son, and my grandchildren. I'm not sure the shock will ever fade. I have been blamed repeatedly, for things that make no sense at all. DIL's role has been a source of confusion for me, as I've swung back and forth, believing my son must have never loved me at all and views me as an enemy, then knowing he must have been influenced greatly by her because there were no issues or problems before her. I also am so sorry that he ever met this woman and yet am taken aback that he has not stood up at all for his family. I never knew that so many young women are crazy and controlling to the point of breaking up families. I grew up in a world where problems were talked out and resolved and simply walking away from your family was unheard of. Thank God I have another wonderful child to focus on, or otherwise I think I'd go mad. I love and yet hate my son, and I hate the negative feelings I have toward him. I think in time, when it hurts less....if it ever will, I'll be able to at least forgive him.

December 17, 2012
3:46 am
M
Guest

The previous poster does have a good point and seems to have experience with family members impressing their much unasked for opinions on inlaws-to-be. However, if the DIL-to-be was initially "bright and bubbly" then seemed to have a radical personality change after the relationship with rooted which then alienated her son from her... that smacks of a personality disorder, particularly Borderline. For anyone about to question my experience in psychology, I am not an MD but an RN with psych experience. 

Not questioning previous poster's stance at all... but when family members express concern, sometimes it IS in fact valid. 

December 6, 2012
8:37 am
Dollywiththeholeinhe
Guest

Ahhh. My iPhone autocorrected alot of that post. Sorry. Hopefully the sentiment gets through that your son is an adult, made a very adult choice to marry a woman he loves and you were wrong to put him in a position where you put him on the defensive by critizing his fiancé . And you are ignoring the true issue if hurting your son and causing him to want to be away from all of his negative family by blaming your dil. My heart hurts for your poor son.

December 6, 2012
8:30 am
Dollywiththeholeinhe
Guest

I know this is an old post but I wanted to respond the op. op I hear pain in your post and I'm sorry for that. I recognize that things in your life didn't work out how you thought they would. But we all work with the hand we are dealt. We need to learn to take charge, change ourselves and our expectations if others. I hope you will take my advice to heart because I believe your situation can change. But not by maintaining this same thought pattern and behavior
You stated that your entire family raised grievances with your son about his fiancé. He was engaged and in live what did you expect the outcome would be? Honestly did you want him to break the engagement and his heart, resent you forever and miss out on starting a life with woman he lived all because if your wants and needs of how Megan should be? Unless I missed it and your son was a minor at the time, what business was it if yours to place your son is such a posting when he had made the very adult decision to get married to his live? This was an opportunity to embrace a life change for your entire famy and celebrate with your son. Instead you greatly hurt him and his wife to be with your negativity. You say you could never trust Megan again but how could your don or Megan trust you? What other happy events will you rain on because it isn't how you think it should be? The wedding itself? Birth if a child? Of course your son was defensive. Who would not be?
To make matters worse your family appears to have ganged together against the vil Dil. Wow what a great welcome to a new family! Who would want to spend time with a group if judgmental gossips who dislike you? You have made her the scapegoat. She is all evil. How can that be true when your son loves her so much? You are the ones who pushed him away with your concerns. And then his brother got on his back as we'll instead of being neutral. And if you don't support the union why would you be invited to the wedding?
I disagree that the burden of communicating us on your son. If you search your heart and really want him in your life then you need to reach out and apologize with zero expectations you need to accept Megan with your full heart and not critize. She was special enough for your don'tind pick for a wife that should be good enough for you. If you don't start looking inward and sto placing so much blame on a dil you make out to be the devil, you will lose your son forever. All the people yes sing you on the forum aren't really helping you at all. They are estranged and bitter. If you want reconciliation then you need to change the game plan.

October 20, 2012
9:07 pm
Michelle
Guest

Kika said

"...forgive both of them because they truly do not understand"

HI KIKA:

Just have to make a crucial point here, which is that these abusive, manipulative Personality Disorders (narcissistic, sociopathic, psychopathic) DO in fact truly understand what they are doing. They know exactly what they are doing, and they do it with great deliberation and purpose. They know very well that what they are doing is WRONG, which is why they do it covertly, behind closed doors, not in front of "other people", or before they are sure they have their victims hooked  (deeply in love, dependent, married, pregnant, etc.). Only when they know they can do their awful deeds in safety do we victims see their true selves. They are diabolical.

Forgive if you like, of course, but do not fool yourselves that Personality Disorders are blind. Quite the contrary, they are always calculating, always several steps ahead of the rest of us.

Best wishes to you and all.

 

 

Hi Linney,
I am so sorry for your situation
You obviously are an intelligent woman and you are blessed with a beautiful family. Unfortunately your son was manipulated by a controlling psychopath. I should know because my brother married someone like that and in the end he filed for a divorce. He was blindsided.
Unless your son wakes up there is nothing you can do unless of course she brings harm to him psychically.. Emotional abuse is what she is inflicting on him but he is so caught up in her web that he cannot see it
Life is rarely perfect, there always be one person who will poison the well
I think you and your family should send him love thru cards, show him compassion because I'm sure he is in pain but is also in fear that he might lose her and forgive both of them because they truly do not understand
Take care of yourself!

October 18, 2012
6:57 pm
jennifer
Guest

Although I my estrangement from my once loving and devoted son is over 2 years long, understanding the role that my daughter-in-law played/plays along with her mom has at least stopped the non-stop why's.  My tears still flow daily and my pain is unbearable, but after taking Dr. Coleman's teleconference on daughter in laws and son in laws, I was able to breathe again.  His conference described our family's past happiness and closeness and current estrangement and grief as if he knew us personally.  By the time he got to my question on the air, my question had already been answered in his lecture. My situation has only gotten worse for I am not able to see my new grandchild and I hear another is on the way, but I understand the nature of the beast (DIL) and the manipulation she has accomplished with my son.  I am not just a biased mom who thinks she had such a wonderful tenderhearted son ! I know I did because that is why she picked him. 

 

I am sending you support and ((((HUGS)))) as you ache for the past closeness you once shared.  In time, I pray it will be even closer when the truth is realized.

Jennifer

October 7, 2012
8:36 am
KiKa
Guest

Hi Linney,
I am so sorry for your situation
You obviously are an intelligent woman and you are blessed with a beautiful family. Unfortunately your son was manipulated by a controlling psychopath. I should know because my brother married someone like that and in the end he filed for a divorce. He was blindsided.
Unless your son wakes up there is nothing you can do unless of course she brings harm to him psychically.. Emotional abuse is what she is inflicting on him but he is so caught up in her web that he cannot see it
Life is rarely perfect, there always be one person who will poison the well
I think you and your family should send him love thru cards, show him compassion because I'm sure he is in pain but is also in fear that he might lose her and forgive both of them because they truly do not understand
Take care of yourself!

October 7, 2012
12:00 am
Linney
Guest

Hi There,

 

Where do I start?

I have been happily married for 28yrs, during that time my husband and I have raised 5 wonderful sons. I feel very blessed to have been given the chance and opportunity be a mother. I love all my sons, and respect that they are individuals in their own right. My husband and I have always been very supportive and encouraged our boys to make their own choices, even though at times we knew that the choices they made (in our opinion) where not always the right ones (but we always encouraged them regardless). We allowed them the freedom to grow and to develop as individual well rounded people, safe in the knowlege that they were loved and respected.

My third son Stephen and I had a very close relationship, we had the same interests and I could always depend on Stephen, he was a kind, considerate, but a very sensitive person. Five years ago he moved away from home and attended university, we were very proud of his achievements, and then he met Megan, we loved her straight away, a lovely girl very bright and bubbly. The whole family were so pleased when Stephen announced after two years that they were to get engaged, we laid on a wonderful engagement party and could not be happier for them both.

 

Unfortunately within a few months cracks started to appear. Megan turned out not to be the person we thought she was, and it seemed it had always been her intention to split the family. We felt stupid that we hadn't recognised problems and dealt with issues and concerns sooner. We thought we were being paranoid. Eventually after things were going too far, the whole family raised concerns to help protect Stephen, we don't regret doing this.

 

In the end Stephen chose his fiance over his family, she made him choose. He sent a text to my husband stating that he felt it would be better if he cut off all communication from us, but wanted to maintain contact with his his brothers (which he hasn't done). He also informed us the parents that we would not be sent an invite to the wedding next year. Within a few hours of the text being sent all family members were removed from facebook, we know his fiance did this as we know Stephen was at work at the time.

My husband responded to the text, stating that the door will always be open for him should he change his mind.

My eldest son Chris spoke to Stephen a day or two after the text message was sent, and tried to help sort the rift out, Stephen did not listen to my son. This all happened on the 5th May 2012. We all feel very sad, hurt and angry by the whole situation. We have given him space and hoped he would see sense and would have contacted us by now.

We have read various articles advising not to make contact and to give him the time and space required. The whole family (extended included) has taken this situation badly. The sad thing is I know that Stephen will be finding this situation hard, but he will have had enough of the nagging from Megan, so he probably hoped that things would settle down eventually.

Rightly or wrongly the family feels he needs to make the first move as he closed the door. I find this really hard, and just want to see him and resolve the problem. Unfortunately as time goes by, anger increases and nobody will ever trust Megan, so even if he does contact us, our family will never be the same again.

We feel very disappointed that Stephen did not stand up to Megan we would never have asked Stephen to make a choice and feel at a loss.

All our lives are going forward, there has been some recent family developments, we feel very sad that Stephen is not privy to that information.

I am at the stage now where I need to accept that it is very likely that he is not going to make any contact. I am heartbroken as I know we did nothing wrong to warrant this course of action from Stephen. I hate to say it, but I am so very sad that he ever met Megan as she has destroyed our close family unit.

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